The truth is...

The truth is, life is not ideal.
We dream of true love. We dream of wealth. We dream of picture-perfect picket fences outside three bedroom houses which beckon us into a perfect life.
Dreams are swell. Dreams are what keep us going... we think.

The superficial requirements of every day life slap us across the face every time we begin to ponder our meaning- our purpose. Stuff. What is stuff? Stuff is what consumes us in our digital age of materialism. The newest itouch. The fanciest car. The craziest gaming system. The most efficient product.

Sorry to break it to you, 2011, but this seemingly flawless society we live in is not so perfect after all.

As we come into 2012, I think.
This very well could be dangerous, especially in the world we live in.

We strive so desperately to fit into the ever-developing place we call earth. We long to find purpose within the circles of people surrounding us. We wish to be able to fully rely on a human being for our entire lives, never having to experience failure or disappointment. No mistakes. No arguments. Just perfection.

The truth is, human beings contain no perfection. Products contain no perfection, no fulfillment.
Jesus Christ is perfection. He is fulfillment.
The truth is, we may not get our picket fence, but who needs it? Who needs the clutter of materialism... who needs the burden of finding meaning?

Search no more for meaning, because it is here. Jesus Christ.
He has provided us with imperfect relationships, amplifying His beauty, perfection and complete love.
He has created us to grow, to form friendships, to learn how to love, to progress, to discover.
He has designed us to be able to fail and try again so that when we succeed, we may appreciate it.
He has fashioned us to step out of the box- beyond the superficial cookie-cutter desires, past the typical dreams of selfish fulfillment, and into the arms of our Lord- striving for HIS desires.

The truth is, life isn't ideal. God is. HE is.

A Blog About Retail

I work in retail while at home. It's Christmastime... we know what that means! Story time!
With much pain and suffering comes many worthy anecdotes. 
I feel as though retail at least deserves that. Anecdotes.

As I sit here, relaxing after my fourth day back after a year, I ponder my daily eight-hour-adventures in the layer of hostile individuals (customers). Being thrown on the floor by myself the first day in the mad rush of holiday cheer (is that what they're calling it these days?) means they must either really hate me or really trust me. Maybe both?

So.. maybe you wonder about the types of people I encounter during the holiday season?
Don't be fooled by the mass of people swarming through the mall- they are not all the same. In fact, there's a variety of categories that retail workers are able to place each individual customer in.
Let me enlighten you.

1. The hurried mother with the screaming baby
2. The cute old couple that don't hear very well, but just smile and nod at everything you say
3. The ones that don't speak English and just smile awkwardly and say "no" to everything
4. The obnoxious group of teenaged boys that flirt with any girl they come in contact with
5. The angry middle-aged woman who won't make eye contact with you
6. The friendly family who stands and makes small talk
7. The individual who begins the transaction with "The answer is NO TO EVERYTHING! How much do I owe you?"
8. The customer who swipes their card over and over before you are done scanning the items, and when you tell them that you must total up the transaction, they say "Oh." and proceed to swipe their card.
9. The customer who not only doesn't speak English, but also decides that they want to pay for 13 pairs of shoes in pennies and nickles alone. Yes, this happened to me.

That pretty much covers most of the different types of customers.

I must also mention the array of co-workers.. 
-Ones who don't know how to interact with customers.
-16-year-old boys who have the guts to flirt with their 20-year-old co-worker.
-That one manager who says things like "Why are you getting a break before me? You make like nothing." (I replied with, "Wow. You got some arrogance there don't ya?" .. that shut her up- a once in a lifetime occurrence. It was fantastic.)
-The teenaged girl who comes in late every day to work, chews their gum obnoxiously to the customers and says "I'm not cleaning that. I am too tired."
-The hilarious, awesome ones who make the day go by faster.
-The elderly, angry ones who yell at customers (also hilarious).
-The coworkers that don't speak English.. and therefore are impossible to get help from.
-And of course, last, but not least, the awesome manager that is actually encouraging and respectful.


I joke, but in reality, I've learned so much about life and interaction with people through this job. 
I've learned that most people just need a smile to melt whatever stresses are on their mind.
I've learned that I can't really be angry at someone if they're being a bit rude- I don't know their story.
I've learned that there will always be the power-hungry managers who feel the need to stomp on their employees to make themselves feel important.
I've learned that it's alright to make mistakes. It happens.
I've learned that one can make even the most unnecessary objects sound intriguing and useful.
I've learned that credit cards are horrible inventions.
I've learned that people need Jesus Christ. Big time.
I've learned that I may be the only Bible people may read. A good attitude is detrimental.
I've learned that using words like "detrimental" makes customers happy.
I've learned that retail is a world of its own. One must study out the world to live in it successfully.

 The life lessons go on, and I'm thankful for them. I'm thankful for the rushed, hostile environment- it brings out the worst and best in people, and sometimes that's what is needed to understand the world a little bit better.

Chapters

Tonight I read the first few pages of my current journal which was started my senior year of high school (only a few pages left until I move onto another journal.. can't believe it).

My how things have changed... for better and worse, but mostly for better. Reading about the people who once were prevalent in my life but are now shadows of the past, reminiscing of all the good and bad times we had and seeing where we all are today- just another method of seeing God's consistency in my life through it all.

I genuinely cannot believe that I have just finished the first semester of my sophomore year of college. I am officially scared to blink. It seems like just yesterday I was a silly elementary school girl who pictured high school students to be the epitome of adulthood. Little did I know...
It scares me that how I viewed high school and college is how I now view the rest of my life- so far in the future. Non-existent. Impossible. An enigma. 
The truth is, real life is not far away. I may still be a student, but I am an adult now and rapidly approaching the rest of my life. In exactly one month I will be twenty- the age I thought I would never reach. God willing, I will look back and say "at twenty I was so young and foolish," but for now I stand and say, "I cannot believe I have lived for two decades."

Life. How it passes. Such a vapor; such a ripple. I pray that I will not take any moment for granted, but that every phase of my life will be a time to remember. Ok, this is all pretty cheesy, I know, but if we don't think about these things, I think it's easy to pass through life, never really understanding.
To dwell in the past is to miss the present.
To miss the present is to ruin the future.
To dwell on the future is to ignore the present.
To ignore the present is to forget the past.
It's all one big cycle- one I don't want to ever get caught up in.



I have to say, I am genuinely scared to pull out my old journals from junior high and the rest of high school. Let's not even bring up the content in my elementary school journals. However, no matter how petty the topics and how silly my perspective, I am glad I have kept journals throughout my life.

I see into pieces of myself that I never knew existed, forcing myself to step out of my own world, pretending to be an outside reader of life's novel. One thing that journaling has taught me: everyone has a story and everyone's stories matter, so write it down. 
I read through the chapters where God lead me through dark deserts
as I searched for myself and ultimately, for Him.
I read through the chapters where I lived my life convincing myself I was in the right,
when really I was not.
I read through the chapters where God stripped my pride, forcing me to see myself as I was.
I read through the chapters where God holds me close, showing me Himself
and the value I hold in Him.
I read through the chapters where I have reached a point of satisfaction in God.

Chapter after chapter, I see myself.. but really I see God's work in me.
I see the growth that took place, and I see the growth that needed to take place but never fully did. I see situations that happened years ago that are just now molding me into who I should be.
Through it all, I see God's grace.
I see God's goodness.
I see God's faithfulness.
I see God's love.
I see God.

My point? Please journal. It's just another way to prove that God can be worshiped and praised through any form of talent or hobby. To get to know God better is to get to know His creation and the interaction He has with them. Sometimes the creation one must analyze is himself.

God bless,
Daisy Wolf

Letting Go to Hold On

It's perfectly amazing how God answers prayer and in the most interesting methods possible, mind you.

Those of you who happen to have kept up with my previous blogs, this semester God has been teaching me how to view HIM as my best friend, rather than people, and to be satisfied in Him. He brought to the surface my habits of making people into idols and focusing so much on my relationships with people rather than with HIM.

To remove me from this difficult place, God chose to bring me closer to Him through loneliness. He stripped down layer after layer of comfortable relationships, leaving me with the feeling that I had no one (even if I did). I know now that I had to go through that dark place so that I could see Jesus Christ as my one Light in this world, releasing my grip on the people in my life so that I could hold onto Him with both hands.

That being said, God has faithfully brought me back to the place of reliance on Him and satisfaction in who He is. While I have so much room to grow, there has been movement out of my previous state, and I thank God for even the baby steps.

In this place I am in now, God has slowly brought people into my life, encouraging me spiritually and emotionally. Now that I am refocused on God and not on people, I am seeing more and more of God's love in people rather than just the people themselves. One of the hardest aspects for me to grasp regarding God is not being able to physically touch Him and have Him to hold me in His arms when I am feeling alone. I now see that the way we interact with God physically is through other believer's love when He shines through them in their lives.

I am so thankful for the people that God has placed in my life so that I may see God's love in flesh. God knows what I need based on who He's created me to be- my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my hopes and my dreams. Jesus Christ continues to bring people into my life on a daily basis. It has come to the point that every time I feel loneliness coming on, God places someone in my pathway (literally) and I have a friend for the specific moment that I need it.

It's incredible, and I am so thankful.
So each of you who is involved in my life right now, I hope you know that you are an instrument of God being used in my life, and I love you. I'm thankful for you.

God is good all the time. The hard times are so worth it.

God Bless,
Daisy Wolf

I'd rather be single then settle

So, it's happened. I have made a list of what I must have in a future spouse. What have I realized from this list? I am picky. Will I find a guy that will fulfill my "must-haves?" Probably not. Just kidding.. I think.

At a university that pushes getting married at a young age and finding "God's choice for you," I feel as though it's so easy to convince myself that "anyone will do." I then must slap myself brutally in the face to remind myself that this viewpoint will result in a miserable marriage filled with an "if-only" mentality. I don't want to settle. I don't want to find myself married to someone I don't want to be married to. I want who God wants for me, but somehow I don't believe that God wills for me to simply marry because it's what is expected of me.

I know what you're thinking.. "Marriage? You're not even dating."
Why would I date someone who didn't possess the qualities of someone I would consider marrying?
I know some people find this ridiculous, but that's ok. I don't make decisions based on other people's view of "the norm." Sometimes the norm isn't effective. Sometimes the norm is a broken system.

So I have come to the conclusion that although I may never end up getting married because of my standards, I am okay with that... because I would most definitely rather be single than settle.

Will this be an easy mentality to maintain? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

I know that God will take care of me, whether I am single or married. If God wants me to get married, He will bring someone into my life who will be right for me. I trust Him. When it all comes down to it, people don't suffice. All that matters in my life is having Christ, and well, I have Him. So, I'm all set, whether He provides a man for me or not.

There ya go.. a little bit of insight into my soul.

P.S. I figured something out:
To share your feelings to the fullest, pray. After that, blog.

A Christmas Post

Christmas music everywhere we go, lights over-taking the center of campus, and a giant Christmas spectacular .. and they wonder why we can't focus on our finals.
It seems that all year long the work load seems to pile up, but come finals week, life's enjoyments seem to become new again as the end of the hard work is approaching (temporarily, anyway).
I love this time of year.. but who doesn't? Christmas productions all over the place, shiny and bright objects, glitter, bells, warm coats, fireplaces, snowman-shaped cookies, decorations galore.

However, I fear that I am probably the only one on the planet who hates the whole gifts part of Christmas. Am I abnormal? Probably.

My logic behind this feeling:
- Awkward gift exchanges
- Not knowing what to get people
- Over-priced everything, when I am currently a poor college student
- Crazy stores everywhere = stress
- The pressure behind the gift giving; that "they don't like me because they didn't get me something" mentality; basing relationships on the gifts
- Getting so caught up in the gifts, not giving the true meaning of Christmas the attention it deserves (our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ) and not just enjoying the simplicity of family time.

Forgive me if you disagree, but that's how it goes in my mind.
I'm guessing gift-giving is just not one of my main love languages (don't get me wrong- if someone I really care about gets me something meaningful that shows they actually know me, I get giddy. There's no denying that).

What's my favorite part of this whole season?  

- Jesus is amazing.
Just another time to remember the most incredible gift ever given- God leaving His glory in heaven to live among men in a corrupt world to save us. Grace- Jesus Christ giving us what we don't deserve- Life.

- Music everywhere 
 Why is it that the rest of the year, you don't find groups of people sing together, knowing all the words by heart and bonding through the joy of music? Someone should mend this problem, and they should do it as soon as possible.
- Everyone's in a better mood
Something about this time of year brings people together, lifts people's spirits, and creates an overall joyous occasion. Chipper, cheery, sweet, bright.. whatever you want to call it.
- Family time
This is pretty self explanatory.
- Dressing up
I don't know about the rest of the world, but I'm particularly fond of getting to wear pretty Christmas-colored outfits with cute hair bows and colorful jewelry. The girly-ness in me is appeased this time of year.
- Delicious baked goods
Alrighty. This could be the top on my list.. but that's debatable. Chocolate cookies, pies, cakes, cheescakes... bring it all on. Chocolate everything. Just yes.
- Christmas pageants and programs galore
Who doesn't love the free, cheesy entertainment? Just kidding, it's cute, it really is.
- Christmas movies
Need I say more?

The list goes on, but I will stop here.

20 DAYS!

The array of happenings called life.

Well, I feel as though it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and I feel correctly.
I've begun about 4 or 5 blogs in the past week or so, but failed in actually writing something worth posting. So, what's been happening in my life lately.. let's see. 

Summer internship twenty minutes away from home, working with a magazine? Check.
Another possible internship for the summer after at a television station? Check.
God providing me with $75? Check. (No pun intended)
Reading the most incredible book by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love? Check.
Spending a week with the most incredible family ever? Check.
Christmas lights popping up all over campus? Check.
Two different sorts of roommate dates in one day? (previous and current). Check. 
An encouraging prayer group today? Check.
Crazy intense workout and growing muscles? Check.
Annihilating a paper until 2 a.m. and leaving in style, mulling through the rain in a light sweatshirt and sweatpants? Check.

Random thing that I love: getting mail from friends from back home and from my campers. That is love right there...
I also love hearing from my campers and their constant reminders at what an incredible summer we had together. I learned so much from all of the incredible people I worked with, staff and campers together.

Spiritual lesson of late: God's infinite love.
No matter how unloved I feel, I AM loved.. by the ultimate lover. The CREATOR of the universe. The MAKER of time.
It's amazing how many times I can learn about God's love and still stand in awe each time. In fact, the awestruck factor grows significantly during every moment that He shows me His love, which is frequent. What really boggles my mind is the fact that God's love is even greater for me than even my closest family members. I'm not sure why I feel so "out of love" when I'm not with my family. I think I forget how much Jesus Christ loves me.. and I fail to thank Him for it.
God has definitely been showing me how much I rely on the love of people. Well, people will fail me. God will not. People may not forgive me. Jesus Christ already has. People may not always be around. God is infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. 

Another topic: it's amazing how God works things out. Situations I thought would brew and stew and eat me alive somehow evaporated... but I know that "somehow" really is not a "somehow" at all. "Somehow" implies that it was a coincidence, when I know pretty confidently that there are no coincidences with God. One quote someone posted on facebook recently was, "Coincidences are just God choosing to remain anonymous." I like that.

God is good and that's all there is to it. He takes me as I am, cleanses me from pains I cannot cleanse myself from, and restores me into a new person daily. How absolutely refreshing it is to be renewed into who God shapes me to be, rather than shaping myself. We all know I have no artistic skills. (God created the universe.. so I think it's safe to say He's pretty artistic).

God bless, and goodnight!

Praise the Blesser, not the Blessings

What on earth have I been so caught up with?
The past two weeks I have been wallowing in my own world, partying it up alone in pity, and it wasn't until yesterday that I finally realized what was going on.

Over and over within my mind I have picked out every little flaw in my life, dwelt on it, and then complained about it. Why? Because the things which I once had don't exist. "Why would God give me those things and then take them away?" I would ask myself.

I finally see what has been going on between God and me lately. God blessed me, I worshiped His blessings instead of Him, and He removed these blessings from my life so I would worship Him alone. How easy it is to become comfortable with all that God blesses us with, take it all for granted, and instead of praising the Lord for it, turn it into something we admire and obsess over.

Through this, God has been teaching me that He and He alone will satisfy. Only Jesus Christ is able to love me the way I should be loved, and until I find complete satisfaction and fulfillment in Him, disappointment will be the reigning emotion in my life. I search for love and acceptance in all the wrong places, while God's love emulates through Jesus Christ's sacrifice on the cross.

Last night my school had a Thanksgiving Communion service during which we thanked God for salvation and commemorated Jesus Christ's payment for our sins on the cross. As I walked through the service, reading all the different verses and looking at the pictures displayed throughout the building, I couldn't help but realize how absolutely ungrateful I have been for all Jesus Christ has done for me. I whine, I complain, and I mope over what I am "suffering" from and what I "don't have" rather than thank God for the one absolutely beautiful thing in my life that matters- the love of Jesus Christ and my freedom in Him. We then continued on to another room where I took communion with a group of students I didn't know and a friend in my prayer group. What a night to remember as I was able to fellowship with my classmates and brothers and sisters in Christ, ones I had never met before, thanking God for our gift of salvation and praising Him for the work He has done in us.

I have been given salvation and freedom in Christ. What more could I ask for?

The Squeaky, Crooked Third Wheel

Wow. It seems that couples are blooming like cherry blossoms in the spring.
They just seem to be popping out of no where, catching all of us by surprise, their hair blowing in the wind as they frolic to class hand-in-hand.
Sounds like a good old fashioned chick flick.
There must have been a time in your life when you too felt like the third, slightly crooked, squeaky wheel. It happens. It also inspires me to write a fictional nonsensical short story.
By George I think I will.


The Squeaky Third Wheel
By: Daisy Wolf

Once upon a time (classic beginning) there was a sad wheel. This wheel did not seem to fit on its said vehicle, but rather seemed to feel quite lonely and out of place. Billy (let us refer to this third wheel as Billy to create more clarity throughout this story) often found himself staring at the other two wheels wondering why they got along so well together and why he, to put it quite frankly, did not. It was not that Billy did not enjoy being a wheel, but on the contrary he normally loved his job and actually found it quite fulfilling. However, Billy suffered from being slightly squeaky and more than slightly crooked, terribly disturbing the other two wheels whom he worked with.

At first the two wheels pretended not to notice the obnoxious sounds coming from his motion. They even attempted to overlook his crooked structure which occasionally hindered them from completing their required jobs. Unfortunately, after a while the two wheels could not stand Billy any longer. "You have no purpose!" hollered one wheel. "You are annoying and out of place!" continued the other. If the two wheels could have exchanged high-fives after their cutting words, they would have, but we all know that wheels do not have hands. The two wheels stabs affected Billy quite harshly, and he felt his little wheel heart break. "They are right," Billy sadly thought to himself, "I am pathetic and useless."

At this discouragement, Billy decided there was no reason for him to turn anymore (since wheels one job is to turn, advancing whatever vehicle they work for into the direction they must go). The two wheels scoffed at Billy, telling him that it would be better for their vehicle that way. So Billy sat, and he sat, and he sat some more, moping in a way that he never had before. The more Billy sat, the more the two wheels realized that it was very difficult to move the vehicle on their own. Finally, a little being wobbled awkwardly to the vehicle, its legs chubby and miniature. "We have a user of our vehicle!" cried one of the wheels. So the two wheels prepared themselves for the job ahead of helping the child move its vehicle.

However, when the little one got on board and the two wheels began their efforts to turn, they realized that the weight was too much for them to bear. "Billy," one wheel quietly chimed in, "Could you turn just a little bit?" Billy pondered. "But I thought I have no purpose?" he whispered sadly. The two wheels, embarrassed by their past words conversed together over how to encourage Billy to help again. "Billy, we need your help. This child will never get to its playground in time if we do not help its vehicle move. You are the front wheel on this vehicle and we need you. We are not a tricycle without you." Billy beamed with excitement at their words and immediately began to turn.

Off the child went to his joyful destination, riding bravely, the wind blowing his little curls. Yes, the tricycle took him there, but the wheels moved the tricycle, and Billy was one of those wheels.

The End



Disclaimer: This story is not based on a true story but is indeed fictional.

Brokenness Rebuilds

The feeling of not belonging anywhere: prevalent.
The question as to whether or not I'm going anywhere with my life: existent.
The striving to be worth something: painful.
The wish for unconditional human love: unbearable.
The aching to let it all go: intense.
The understanding of God's perfect love: surreal.

I can tell you right now that God has been using loneliness and misplacement to uproot my inner, deep idols. Such idols, idols of being loved, idols of being a part of something, idols of people in general, have been dangerously prohibiting me from reaching the potential relationship that I could be having with my Savior. While I don't feel necessarily far from God right now, these patterns that have been forming could potentially pull me away from God, if that has not already begun.

Through the loneliness, God has opened a door for me to pry away my general attachment to people, my wish to be loved by people, and my expectancy for constant company, all which, at the root, are idols in my life. Yes, love and people, two perfectly normal, healthy aspects of life, can become idolized. When these normally harmless things have come back to their original state of nature and when I learn that God is my only source of comfort and meaning, it is then that the loneliness will cease.

It's amazing what brokenness can rebuild. One of chapel speakers this week stated, "Rock bottom is where God takes you to rebuild you." So true.

I long for the day when I can be fully satisfied with God's presence in my life alone, distancing the clutter and busy-ness of life from who I am. People are not my identity- God is.

"Bring me joy,
bring me peace,
bring the chance to be free,
bring me everything that brings You glory.
I know they'll be days when this life brings me pain,
but if that's what it takes to praise You,
Jesus, bring the rain."
-Mercyme

Knit Together

First of all, I began writing this at 11:11 pm, which I think is pretty nifty. Yes, I have just revealed one of my little girly inclinations that I often try to hide from the world. What am I saying? I'm an open book. Moving on.

I don't know if you've experienced this in your life, but I seem to always have these recurring thoughts and phrases that randomly pop into my head at random moments in my life.. usually a time when I am unable to write about it, thus being immediately robbed of my realizations as they fly away into oblivion. Where do those thoughts go and how do they come back? Wow, total rabbit trail. Anyway, even though it would be fascinating to analyze the occurrence of thoughts, I'm going to actually get to my point this time. I promise.

One of these random thoughts that I've caught coming and going through my mind all throughout my life came back to me today as we discussed how beauty is portrayed in modern advertising.
So many times I find myself picking apart who I am, how I look, what people think of me, and what people want me to be. Than I think to myself, if I change myself, who am I disappointing (that may be a higher priority on my list)?
Fact: I will never make everyone happy.
Fact: I will never be whatever everyone specifically wants me to be.
Fact: I am who God created me to be.

Throughout my life, I've realized that the moment I change something about myself to please someone else, I have lost connection with someone else who would have liked me for the very aspect of myself that I abandoned. God has created us uniquely, perfectly designed to be just as He intended us to be. Personality, flaws, and all. Do not get me wrong- by flaws I do not mean sin. Sin is a completely different issue that is definitely that should be changed and worked on. By flaws I mostly mean quirks. Get me? Ok good.

In the words of Johnny Diaz, "You were meant to fill a purpose that only you could do. There could never be a more beautiful you."

When we change ourselves to please others, we are removing ourselves from who God created us to be. We are warping ourselves into plastic people.
I fully believe that if I remembered that this life is not about pleasing others but about pleasing the God who gave me breath and created me just as I am, my self esteem would no longer be catapulted into depths of despair. Instead, I would realize my self worth in Christ. I would know that somewhere out there is a man who has also been uniquely created by God, his temperaments, quirks, beliefs, and standards fully complementing mine and his heart appreciating who I am for who I am. He's out there, and I know it. Until then, I will continue to be me- who God formed me to be when He personally knit me in my mother's womb. 

This goes for you, too. To every person who feels that they must change themselves to fit someone else- there's someone better for you. Not better, just better for you.
Cliche? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

Don't disappoint the wrong person.

Finally. That thought is written down and finally out of my heart for the world to see. Hope you enjoyed it. Here's the music video to the Johnny Diaz song which I earlier quoted.. enjoy!

Goodnight & God Bless!

Maybe I should read the dictionary....

It seems that the more I hear about the future and what I must do to prepare for a successful one, the more absolutely terrified I am of growing up. No, I'm not lazy, and no, I am not failing to equip myself, but yes I still feel inadequate. This could be because I'm allowing myself to believe the lies of the world (and myself) that I'm not good enough, or it could be because I simply am overwhelmed by the extreme requirements in this little story we called "life." (Or it could be both).

Have you ever felt like you are the only one incapable of doing what it is that you and whatever other million people in the world want to do? You know- that whole, "Wow. They even ask questions better than me."
Yeah. I feel it. I feel it often. Especially in a field of study such as Communications.. where everyone births eloquence and strategically places their words in precisely the right spot at exactly the right moment (whether spoken or written). Then I think to myself, "Maybe I should read the dictionary more often."

If you have ever felt this way, you understand. Well, here's what I've realized recently: Success is not about big words. It's not about prestige. It's not even about landing the ever-so-dreamed-of "job of the century" which pays wages more than you knew existed and gives you a name you never knew you could have.
Really, it's not about names at all (except for One name).
Success is diligence. Diligence to do what you can do, do it in the best possible way that you can do it, and do it with the motive of glorifying the God who is greater than you and greater than I.
Success is being intentional. Intentional to learn what you can learn, put this learning into practice, and be humble enough to admit it's not simply your human intelligence and "profound capabilities" that have allowed you to learn, but the fact that God has created you with an incredible, unique, and highly complicated mind and body, allowing you to learn and excel in whatever path you have decided to follow.

[Keep in mind that there is a difference between spiritual and worldly success; however, I do believe that in many cases they do intertwine]. [Another topic for another time].

So, from a girl who constantly argues with herself (literally- sometimes even out loud) over whether I am capable or incapable, whether I will be successful or unsuccessful, or whether I am worth anything- in Jesus Christ, there is no question of worth. I cannot think of any other way to put it, really. Your or my worth cannot even be debated or questioned when we have Jesus Christ as our Lord. 
He has created us. He has formed us. He has given us the intelligence, strength, and purpose to complete whatever it is He has called us to do for His ultimate purpose. There is no question of our worth. No doubts, no excuses, no alternatives.-

So that's just a tidbit from my life. Hope this encouraged somebody out there.

One last word:
I am not defined by what I achieve, but rather Who I achieve it for.

God bless and have a good Friday!

A blog about something.. or nothing.

There exists no particular reason as to why I am writing right now, since there is nothing specifically on my mind (but who knows what may subconsciously come out through my fingertips into the world wide web), except that I had a major test and refuse to do homework until I absolutely am required to.
I currently have nothing specifically due tomorrow, so when I do decide to begin an assignment, I will feel extra productive since it's not required. Until that moment, I am dawdling. Why? Because it is these precious moments of brief freedom which we college students must grasp hold of to simply step back and enjoy life for one slight moment. So here I am... just stepping back and enjoying. Rare moment in life indeed.
So what should I write about in my moment of freedom? Whatever I feel like writing about, fiddly snap! Oh the beauty of a personal blog.. the one place you can just ramble and no one can complain, because no one is forcing them to read (or listen, in some situations).

I don't think I shared my embarrassing moments as of late, now have I? Well, unfortunately one is slightly too awkward for the internet (but I will probably tell you if you ask me in private, so go for it). Other awkward moments? Ok well, let me give a brief background first....

So you know those pesky 8:50 a.m. classes, specifically the ones that have tests in them? Well, say I were to, oh I don't know, unknowingly sleep through my alarm for about an hour and wake up at 8:45 a.m.? Yes. It's true. This happened to me a few days ago. You're probably wondering what happened. That's funny, because I can tell you. After waking up abruptly, gasping for air as I realized I just woke up five minutes before a big test, I literally threw on clothing that weren't pajamas (since unfortunately, pajamas are simply frowned upon in a classroom environment these days), and ran, yes, literally RAN, to class (backpack flopping around and all). What time did I arrive at class? 8:52. I have no clue how this possibly happened other than maybe God stopped time or just made it go by obnoxiously slowly, but it did. The teacher hadn't even passed out the tests yet. It was fantastic.

However, when you wake up that way, your entire day is thrown out of whack and thrown into a twilight zone that you didn't know actually existed on earth. Well, I'm here to tell you that it does exist. While in this twilight zone, magical, strange experiences happen. Just kidding, they're not magical.. but I'm not exaggerating about them being strange... because they are. Somehow one trips extensively in front of everyone around, but mostly in front of those of the male species (because that's usually how it happens). One's filter also is completely stripped away, allowing your mouth to run before your brain has time to function. For instance, when a teacher asks a question, one's first response in a college classroom would not normally be, "Because she peed herself." Yes, indeed. I did say that in public, and then immediately was horrified (my eyes probably opening so wide they would soon fall out of my head). Good times. Good times, indeed. Don't worry, I received many bewildered expressions from my classmates.

So that's just a tidbit about my life and my skill of being an embarrassing person.

Until another day.
(God bless)

Wake me up when September ends....

I feel as though I start every single blog post with, "it's been one of those weeks." So, in order to avoid this cliche, yet true statement, I fear that all I can say is... it's been one of those semesters. Yes, an entire semester has been one of "those." One of change, challenges, decisions, emotions, and major growth. 
I don't know about anyone else, but does it seem like it's been September for FOREVER? I literally find myself relating to the song, "Wake Me Up when September Ends."


Among the trials and lessons learned this week, my eyes have definitely been opened to little blessings that God has placed in my life, and simply just reasons.
How to know God has a sense of humor: Oh, He gives you exactly what you ask for, but in the most random, original, and slightly abstract way.
Here are some basic conversations that I had with God this week:

Me: "Lord.. why do You give me people to minister to who don't even want to be ministered to and don't really care whether I'm in their lives or not?"
God: "Uh, cause you asked to be used by Me, even if it's not easy? ... duh."
Me: "...oh...right."

Me: "Lord.. why are there people who under appreciate my service for them or simply do not want me to serve them?"
God: "...because you said you wanted to be more like Me, and you treat me that way all the time."
Me: ".....oh."

Me: "Why do you let me embarrass myself in public?..."
God: "...I don't force you to say/do anything. I simply made you unique."

God has also placed amazing friends in my life this semester who have encouraged me more spiritually than I could ever have imagined, and such blessings have definitely gotten me through this month. So, shout out to Sydney.. the girl who I just have gotten to know this year, and who's already gone above and beyond to be an amazing friend! Thankful for her! Also thankful for my other fantastic, godly friends who have stuck with me since last year... appreciate you guys more than ever <3.

Totally different side note...
Lately, I feel like the leadership on this campus have been under spiritual attack... cause I mean, logically, who else would Satan go after? If he can get the leadership down spiritually, he can get the rest of the campus down spiritually. Something crazy: Satan can't beat us.
SPOILER ALERT: Satan loses in the end. We're on God's side.. AKA, we win. Hands down.

It's amazing how my own insecurities, Satan's lies, and society in general can so easily convince me that I'm a failure. Well.. here's a little note to myself, to Satan, and to the world: sorry, but you can't tear down someone who has an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-perfect God as their SAVIOR. Booya. *Insert snapping in Z-formation here* 

Alright, now I feel like I've ranted on this for long enough.
Now to get through another week.. THUMBS UP, LET'S DO THIS! (and God bless!)

Because I Love You

So these past few weeks I've been learning a lot of about relationships.. and my lack of readiness for a romantic one. Lately I've been finding myself not interested in any sort of relationship (other than friendships, of course) and often not even caring about whether I get married or not. If you know me personally, you know that that is absolutely the opposite of me and how I've always been.
By nature, I am a hopeless romantic. I'm the girl who basks in cute romantic movies and seeks out the story behind how every couple first met. So, for me to have turned into the girl who believes she could be entirely content being single for the rest of her life, something drastic must have taken place.

Honestly, for the longest time I wasn't sure what this so-called "drastic occurrence" might have been, since my life seemed pretty uneventful as I started feeling more and more disinterested.
This past Wednesday in Campus Church, Clayton King and his wife Charie King spoke on relationships and God's will for a marriage. I found myself becoming extremely emotional during this service and at first I didn't know why. As church continued, God also continued. Somewhere during the message God showed me that the reason I had been feeling this apathy towards relationships was because I prayed for it. No, I did not specifically pray, "Oh hey, can you make me think every guy is lame? Thanks." No, not at all. I prayed, "If I'm not ready, don't make me want it yet so I don't waste my time," and that is exactly what God did.

I think the reason I was so emotional was that I wasn't sure whether to be excited that God was answering my prayer or disappointed that I wasn't ready for a relationship. We could call this an "emotional tornado," because that's what I imagine when I describe that emotion within me.
Now that the "tornado" has calmed, I am so incredibly thankful that God has been working in my life. Now to simply wait for a guy worth waiting for.

That was another thing that made me emotional during church- seeing Clayton and Charie's love for each other, bound through their mutual love for God. At first I envied them. I envied what they had and wondered how they got it and why most marriages don't have their marriage's qualities. Then I simply admired them. I admire their passion and drive to make it work, their focus on God, and their willingness to share it all with others.
While this gives me hope for the future, it also makes the present difficult, constantly wondering whether God will bring "that guy" into my life.. you know- the one who loves God more than anything, who will love me the way God has intended for me to be loved, and who just is right for me.
So I ask myself, why do I wonder? Why am I so concerned about this? Whatever happens in my life, God knows and God cares, and nothing that God allows will be too much for me to handle. Also, I firmly believe that God does not give us desires and then leave us hanging (which I definitely appreciate).


Here's a poem I wrote on Wednesday night after the service .. hope you enjoy it:

Because I Love You

My mind screams "confusion"
My heart whispers "contentment"
The world states "abandoned"
The Lord proclaims "purchased"
Who I was convinces me "you want this"
Who I am reminds me "you have better"
My mind says "find"
My soul says "seek"
Culture expresses "go now"
God's love says "wait"
I ask "when?"
God states "soon."
My heart wonders "why?"
Jesus Christ replies "because I love you."



God Bless & Goodnight!
Daisy Wolf

On my Mind.. the World

On my mind... the world. Right when I think I'm where God wants me everything seems to become unclear again. Is that Satan trying to distract me from doing God's will or God simply just re-directing me? Or me just being confused? Or all of the above.. if that's even possible. Who even knows (except for God of course).

I absolutely love my major of Journalism, but I am terrified that it won't be useful. I'm terrified that there won't be any writing jobs, or that I will hate the jobs that are available. I'm terrified that I'll finish college thinking, "I should have done this," or "I wish I had majored in that." I'm also terrified that I'm worrying about this when really none of it is in my control. I've been realizing more and more lately that over-thinking unchangeable circumstances does not positively influence anything, but rather removes our eyes off of Jesus and onto ourselves. While my worrying factor has gotten significantly better since last year (thanks to an incredible roommate who definitely gave me a new perspective on the whole thing), I still find myself thinking about the future in all of its mysteries, which I guess is perfectly normal and human-like. I think I just have to let it go. Just let it go.

On top of that, can I just state that I LOVE being single? (Oh yeah, of course I can state that.. this is my blog). I absolutely love it. I love it because I know that if I'm overwhelmed now with my schedule, it would only overwhelm me more and I would simply have no time for anything. I love it because I have so much freedom. I love it because it's so much easier to get involved in various types of service. I love it because there's one less pressure on the future and one more step closer towards fully relying on God. (*insert picture of a "FROG" here*) (Sorry, Christian bookstore humor). I just love it. There's really no specific reason why... except that I prayed I would be content in my singleness and God has gone above and beyond to answer this prayer and simply just made me absolutely happy and even relieved.

On a completely different note, I find it extremely ironic that from my most horrible class ever, I have the most fun study group ever. I have never clicked so well with such a diverse group, and I love it! I guess similar disdains bond people together (for example, extreme dislike for this class). So thankful that God has put this study group in my life or else I think I would be utterly distraught in this extremely time consuming and nerve-wracking class. God definitely doesn't give me more than I can handle, and I definitely appreciate it. God is so awesome. I don't think I can really state that enough.

Anyway. This was a good time and I definitely have more than just this on my mind, but some I will refrain from posting to the entire blogging sphere of existence.

Good night & God Bless.
Daisy Wolf

Just updates... all sorts of them.

A heavy heart, penetrated by the grace of God and humiliated by my own self- those are my current feelings. As I examine myself and my need for human acceptance, I am torn by my lack of surrender to God. Jesus Christ has always been there... always been faithful. People fail. People will fail at be accepting and loving, but Jesus Christ's love is overwhelming. Why do I throw it away? Why do I forget so quickly that the Creator of the universe knows me and cares?

These past two weeks have been all over the place with a variety of emotions and feelings. With Spiritual Emphasis Week, thoughts regarding God, my own spiritual life, how I treat people, and who I am in general overwhelmingly pour in. On top of that, my work load seems to be never ending and overflowing. Right as I seem to be catching up on work and nearly finished for the week, the next week starts and I find myself with a fresh bucket of assignments and weary soul.  

Sleep? It hasn't been happening. A decent amount of exercise? Also not happening. Consistent Jesus time among everything going on? Yet again another fail. Results? Feeling horrible. 

I won't lie, I'm having the most difficult time managing my time. It's not that I'm failing to spend it wisely, it's that I feel as though I simply do not have enough of it.
How am I having time to write this? Because I just need a break, and writing always seems to relieve a lot of pent up emotions and unnecessary stresses.

I have been studying the relationship between Mary and Martha (Luke 10) because I am planning on doing a series for my prayer group based off the book "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." The more I study Martha, the more I feel like her. I feel that while I try to serve God, I spread myself so thin with so many different activities and tasks that it's hard to really focus on it all. Some of it must be done, but some I just place upon myself. So the question is, what should I drop so that I may be more effective for God? I have absolutely no idea. I absolutely love everything I am involved in right now; I think maybe the key is not to add on ANYTHING ELSE.


I recently have become involved in my newly adopted home church for when I am at school, and I will be able to play piano with the worship band. I am so thankful that I will be able to be involved in this, and I am even more thankful that it will not stress me out but rather give me an outlet of being able to step back and just worship completely in my form of service. I have never been given the opportunity to use the piano skills I have for anything other than pleasure, and I cannot wait to see how God uses it. While I am excited for this, I am fully convinced that this is the last task I will take on for this semester or else I most likely won't be affective in anything I do at all (due to extreme weariness and fatigue).

This weekend... well. God has definitely been teaching me discipline. When my college's football fans scream "COME HELP US CHEER," I am required to respond with, "Not if I want to graduate from college." It seemed that Flames Football was beckoning me as I witnessed all of my hall mates, brother dorm, and sister dorm decked out in red and blue clothing and face paint. I can tell you right now- I am not one to normally pass up a good time... ever. Hopefully this gives you a slight idea of the amount of work I had (and still have yet to fully finish.. but I don't think it ever really will be fully finished at this point).

For the first time in my college career, I have been extremely homesick. There isn't really any specific crazy reason, except that I think it has something to do with not being home all summer. I miss my dad and my mom and my sister. I miss my piano. I miss home-cooked Lebanese food. I miss my own room. I miss my cousins. I miss hearing people speak Arabic. I miss being able to read whatever books I want and NOT textbooks. I miss having free time. Mostly I just miss everyone in my family and a few friends. It's crazy how you can be a part of so many "groups" and never really feel like you fully fit anywhere. I think growing up is slowly hitting me, and it's hard to come to grips with the fact that nothing in this physical world is consistent. I am thankful that God, however, is consistent and I know that this is what He truly uses in my life to make me realize that He is all that will fulfill, suffice, and survive. I don't think I would be able to rely on Him fully if it wasn't for the inconsistencies of life, and I am so thankful that God knows what I need (even if it hurts sometimes). Do you ever wish you could just physically feel a hug from God? I don't know if that's a weird thought, but lately that's the only thing in the world I'm truly wishing for. A physical hug from Jesus Christ.

However, God is good (as usual) and I was actually productive this weekend! I have also been made aware of many flaws I did not know I even had (I mean in addition to the ones I was already aware of), but I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to see these areas I need to spend time on in my life that are hindering me spiritually.

Prayer request: that I would be able to unify my prayer group, do the most I can in my prayer group (being involved with the girls, speaking the Word effectively, and just being there for them), and not let the weariness of college effect this ministry or any friendships.

So that's my life right now. I love you all and God bless :].

Week two- Prepare to be Annihilated

Since it's been a few days since I've last posted, I figured that now was the time to update this baby.
As you may have noticed from my last post, the first week of classes tends to take a toll on a sophomore year college student, and therefore leaves me posting nonsensical, mostly stress-relieving blogs simply from the heart of Daisy Wolf.
Thankfully, the first week is over now and I am fully healed, leaving me officially able to focus (somewhat). I have decided that the rest of my life shouldn't be left for the rest of my life, but rather preparation is necessary. Just like the poster hanging in my high school physics class stated,

"When you fail to prepare, you prepare to fail,"

(along with an adorable picture of an apathetic, depressed polar bear).
This was quoted by some unknown author, so Sir, if you are the speaker of this quote and you are offended that I have not given you credit, I am sorry but you simply shouldn't hide your identity from the world. I guess I can't please everyone.

Weekends... they're supposed to be for rejuvenation and healing, correct? Well, while I did heal quite a bit and the sleep did somehow rejuvenate my system, the overpowering stress of an intense work load, mixed with student leadership, mixed with social life resulted in a late Sunday-night meltdown. Just kidding, it wasn't that bad, but it's more fun to call it a meltdown. What was the initiator of this so-called, "meltdown," you may wonder? How about blackboard failing to work at nine o'clock in the evening, when I have two online assignments due at midnight? Or maybe it was because at times the internet failed to work in general?
I find it absolutely repulsive how attached I, along with millions of others, am to the internet. It's almost like the entire world shuts down when it ceases to work for five minutes. I am determined to remove this mind-set from my life, but rather bring back the use of the old fashioned pencil and paper. It will happen- just watch.

All right, time to be actually productive and either do homework or attempt to apply for internships.
Internship folk, if you happen to read my blog, please hire me. I am a dedicated, fun, hard-working, and slightly sarcastic writer who enjoys a good satire once in a while. I am respectful though. Respect is important to me. I'm going to stop sucking up to my non-existent future boss and leave blogger already.

God Bless!

Target, Sickness, Earthquakes, and Jesus Time

You know you're back at my school when:

-The cool thing to do is go to Target.
-There is a section of Target closed off solely for doing the cuban shuffle and cha-cha slide.
-Your friends start a conga line around target.
-You never went to Target to buy anything in the first place.

Friday was definitely a night to remember. It started off with extreme exhaustion due to sickness and, well, lack of sleep, and continued on with slight dementia. It is definitely a great time to introduce yourself to new hall-mates when you have just woken up and are immersed in many cold meds, don't you agree? Well, I wouldn't agree now, but at the time it sounded like a grand idea.
Here's a little play-by-play of how that little conversation went:
Me: "Hi. *eyes half open and voice screechy from lack thereof*"
Them: "Oh, hi, nice to meet you."
Me: "I'm not usually this loopy. I just woke up.. and I'm on cold meds."
Them: "Oh... uh... we'll take your word for it."
Me: "Nice to meet you. Bye. *slowly and creepily walks away*"
Poor new hall-mates. (Positive: I talked to them the next day and they just thought it was all hilarious).

Now that classes have started and my sickness is slowly creeping away, I am able to function as a normal human being (which is always nice). Apparently there was an earthquake today, which exhibits how utterly oblivious I am to life, since I thought the screeching sound while I was in class was caused by people moving furniture on the floor above me (..I was on the top floor of the building).
Well, I have yet to fully feel an earthquake. I suppose it will happen someday, but until that day I am slightly disappointed that I missed out on this momentous occasion.

Currently...

So many things to be prayed about. Should I add an English minor to my Journalism major? Will the first prayer group I lead tonight go well? Will I survive a class with a professor whose last name is Beavers?

On another note, I stated in my last blog post that I had been struggling with staying consistent with my Bible reading, which has still been deemed true for me. On a positive note, I found the most incredible little room right next to my dorm which I can use for the time I set aside to read the Bible and pray. I think now that I have found a specific place to go, it will give me more motivation and organization in my own disheveled mind (and so far so good).

This will definitely be an interesting, eventful year with lots to write about, so be prepared.
God Bless!

THUMBS UP, Let's do this!

Tonight our entire leadership team met as a group and played games, chilled, ate, and just shared our hearts and prayed for the first time this year as our whole leadership team.

There is something so incredibly powerful about a group of women with the same vision and goals, just sitting down and fervently praying together for unity and wisdom as a hall. I just cannot even wait to see how God will work this year, and I know that whatever He does , it will completely exceed any possible expectations that exist in my mind, as always.

I'm really struggling to faithfully read my Bible for a long period of time right now, but I'm frantically striving to get back into the habit. I know that I need God's Word, and it's amazing how dry and empty I feel when I'm lacking time with God. The part the scares me the most is how much more it will impact me when the year has actually gotten going, I have a prayer group to lead, and I get even busier with actual classes. My prayer right now is for extreme discipline regarding time management..
It's going to be difficult, but God has me here, so He won't give me something more than I can handle.

Freshmen.arrive.tomorrow.
Feelings? Mostly just excitement. Time to pull out the hospitable big sister card! Seriously cannot wait.
Dreading? Carrying heavy boxes that I really cannot carry in order to not give a selfish first impression to the new students. That and being on lockdown in the hall for 8 house.

SLEEP.

College. Round Two.

It seems just like yesterday I wrote my "can't believe my freshman year of college has ended," post.
Well, folks, the day has come that I am finally able to write my "can't believe my sophomore year of college has started." When did this even happen? Was it in the millisecond that I blinked or maybe that moment when I was forced to sneeze?

Well whenever or however this happened, I am here, and it feels as though I haven't even left.
It's hard to believe that the summer has come and gone, and that within that miniscule amount of time I experienced so many changes in my life and learned so much about myself, people, and God. It's amazing what God can teach in those seemingly meaningless gaps of life. Don't worry, I will soon post a detailed excerpt of what occurred in my life this summer, but for now I figured I would post an official "first of sophomore year" post.

First official day back and what has occurred? Major bonding of our hall's leadership team, being reunited with close friends from last year, feeling like we never left, beginning to make new friends, dinner at our favorite dining hall (sense the sarcasm?), and an incredible, convicting opening message from one of our favorite campus pastors.

Signs of an incredible year have already peaked up from behind the wall of speculation and hesitation that initially existed in my heart considering being a prayer leader, or just on leadership in general. Thankfully, God is bigger than the boogie man (Veggie tales reference... anyone?).

So, in order to function this long day of leadership training, I feel that sleep is an important factor in my life at this current moment, or at any moment really.

Goodnight world and God bless.

Camp: Memories and Lessons.

So it's definitely been a while since I last posted.. which is expected due to the craziness of camp counselor life (and craziness is slightly an understatement). I definitely love it here and know that God sent me here for the purpose of not only encouraging campers spiritually, but also for my own growth and maturing.

This summer I have been learning (dramatically) what it means to humble myself in my weaknesses in order to encourage others to develop their strengths. While I'm not, by any means, a "campy" person, I have learned that through my need for help and strength, God's grace is shown in my life.

While here at camp I have tried things I probably would never have tried had I not been forced by my job description (camp counselor, aka, one who will do every activity in order to encourage campers to do every activity, even if it involves intense humiliation and ego-smashing). I've been able to attempt to play paintball, climb the tower (kind of like a rock-wall, for those of you who don't know what it is) even though I haven't made it to the top (yet), practice my swimming skills (or lack thereof), and bring out my wild side which sings and dances like a maniac in order to get kids to have some fun and be a little weird.
"There was a great big moooose and he drank a lot of juice!"

Fun highlights of my time here so far?
Doing a late-night swim with my LIT girls, convincing them that if anyone found out I would get fired, and then freaking the living daylights out of them when the program director, Mr. Steve "caught" us.

Going on a "toad hike" with my junior girls. Picture this: me with a group of 8-11 year olds, marching through the woods while holding shoulders, capturing toads in paper cups, and then releasing them while chanting "FROGGIES! FROGGIES! FROGGIES, WE LOVE YOU! NOW WE SET YOU FREE!" over and over again, all while wearing some war paint (which we got from the coals from our campfire). That is what I call an amazing time. I definitely will always remember it.

Waking up in the middle of the night due to an intense thunderstorm, finding two of my campers scared in their beds, and then during it getting to tell them about how Jesus calmed an intense storm and showed His incredible power. There's a reason God brings storms.


There are a ton of other amazing memories that I will have to post later, but for now I must say goodbye.
Hope you all are enjoying your summer!
God bless <3.

Peace in the Sunrise

This morning, between 3 and 4am, I woke up to an intense feeling of fear. I wrote about it in my journal around 4am or so, so I will just copy to you what I wrote this morning, for there is no other way to describe the incredible two hours I have just had, except for exactly how I wrote about it as it happened.

"It's almost 4am and I've woken up due to overheating and nightmares. My dreams consisted of something like this: I was a mom with two children, living out of a suitcase, hiding from my husband, running from hotel to hotel. Every weekend he tries to come for them. The part I particularly remember is that I was putting away silverware and glass bowls in a china cabinet, fearing whatever was to happen that night, thinking about my brother's wife who was mentally unstable and I feared would come for me.

At this point, I had an almost overwhelming fear which woke me up to where I am now. I'm not saying my dream means anything, because it's no doubt that it is just the suppression of inner sinful fear and lack of trusting in God, because fear is not of God.

When I woke up, I was clutching the bedsheets and sweating, not bullets, but significantly. I looked up to see the time and as I reached for the lamp, I overpoweringly thought to myself, "So it's at night that I say God must speak to me in His word (but yet I haven't been reading), so then it's at night you will. You have some catching up to do." I switch tenses because I really feel that God wanted me to open His word for a reason.

As I opened my Bible, I felt that I should read in Isaiah where I left off a while ago. I read this verse:
Isaiah 35:4

"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with a vengeance, with the recompense of God He will come and save you."

This verse, though probably taken out of direct context, gave me an incredible peace as I read it. In my life lies all these physical and spiritual, present and future fears: fears of the future, fears of spiritual warfare, fears of persecution, and fears of insecurity. I have come to realize that these fears MUST be dealt with and removed, because there is "NO fear in love."
1 John 4:17-19

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."

This is not to say that I have been visited by God, because God is always with me. This is to say that apparently within me lie these unknown fears which need to be addressed, because while in fear, my love in Christ is not shining to its full effect.
My current and most recent fears are those which deal with the camp that I'm going to in two days.
My fears consist of: not knowing the right words to say to the kids, not being fully equipped, and being alone and helpless. That's what it really boils down to.

1. The first fear: shows my lack of trust in God to GIVE me the words to speak, because they shouldn't be my words anyway.
2. The second: shows me my need to trust God to equip me. Christ promises never to leave us to fight any battles on our own, but rather He will be our guide, deliverer, friend, fortress, strength, help in time of trouble, and protector (as told by the Psalms).
3. The third: shows my need to LET GO of self-identity and firmly grasp onto my identity in Christ.

I am never "not part of something" in God's family. I am never helpless with God on my side. I am never alone in any battle that may come along, for God is GOOD. God does not break promises, nor does He lie. There is absolutely no reason to fear evil, because God is with me ALWAYS- whether I be home, at school, at camp, or on a mission field in the Middle East. I have no idea how God will use me in my life or what difficulties I may go through, but I know one thing:
No matter where I am, God is with me.
No matter what I may fear, God is BIGGEST.
God is HOLIEST.
God is MOST POWERFUL.
God is GOOD.
God protects His children and leaves them not alone.

In the spiritual realm, I have no idea what is currently taking place other than battle. I'm not the one to give specifics, but there is no doubt that God shows us in His Word of the constant fight between good and evil. I am thankful and at peace knowing that we know the ending to this story, and OUR GOD DOESN'T LOSE. Our God, who created all, knows all, and is in control of all, DOES NOT and CANNOT LOSE.

I find an incredible, unexplainable peace in this, knowing that there is nothing to fear, because my God will "come with a vengeance" to "come and save" ME. I love that God is not vague and distant, but PERSONAL. The pain people must be in, not in relationship with my personal, loving, all-powerful, holy God, but rather simply in relationship with themselves and themselves alone.

I am going to finish the chapter in Isaiah now....
....I have just finished Isaiah 35 and moved on to Psalm 37 which has awakened many truths to me.
I can tell you right now that there are no coincidences with God. Verses 7 and 8 pretty much sum up verses 1 through 8.
Psalm 37:7-8

"Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him. Cease from anger. Forsake wrath. Do not fret- it only causes harm."

There is really no other way to put this. No addition of words will express of these words as I go through life, seemingly going through unknown territory. To me, it may be unknown, but to God, nothing is unknown, and the LORD is with me.

I think I'm going to watch the sunrise.
Psalm 37:5-6

"Commit your way to the LORD, Trust in Him. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light."

I awoke in a state of fear in the darkness of the night, and left in a state of peace, love, and hope in Christ as I watched the sun  rise in the midst of the dawn. God is beauty in all its essence, and to describe it is impossible, yet it is utter worship to try. Worship is attempting to express God's beauty and perfection while knowing we will never reach understanding of any of it.

Tonight, I saw God working through His Word in a way I never have seen before. As I unintentionally jumped from Isaiah to 1 John to Psalms, and all these passages "somehow" related to fit perfectly together, I realized that this is of God and God alone.

The Bucket List

So, I've always wanted to write a bucket list out, but never really have, so I think as I approach a new experience in life (being a camp counselor), now is the time to create goals for my life in the future.
Here it goes... (in no particular order)...

1. Learn Arabic to the absolute utmost (learn how to speak it much better and understand different dialects, learn to read and write the formal language fluently, and be able to hold detailed, Biblical conversations).
2. Backpack through Europe and share the gospel with others as I go.
3. Lead as many people to Christ as God allows
4. Get married to a godly guy who fits me... and who will be my best friend. And then have a family with him :P
5. Reach the Muslim world
6. Be able to run 10 miles and not die..
7. Swim with dolphins
8. Be able to ride horses well
9. Pet a wolf
10. Own a husky
11. Never take a sip of alcohol in my life (so far so good)
12. Be able to swim a long distance (and not drown)
13. Learn to dive
14. Learn to do a cartwheel
15. Write a novel that touches lives
16. Write articles that make a difference
17. Climb a really tall tree
18. Read a Jane Austen novel while sitting under a weeping willow tree
19. Go on a missions trip to the Middle East
20. Play the piano regularly in church
21. Run through a corn field while singing random country songs
22. Become so fit that I have a six pack
23. Live in Boston.. even if it's for a short period of time
24. Whale watch
25. Go fishing all day
26. Hike up Mt. Washington
27. Actually learn to ski (and actually know what's going on)
28. Visit Hawaii and watch the surfers
29. Become so good at the piano that I am able to hear pieces on the radio, pick up the chords, and figure out the song on my own.
30. Love in a way that allows people to only see Jesus Christ in me.
31. Spend the Fourth of July and New Years in Boston

Those are just a few, but I'm sure I'll add in some here and there when I think of them.
What are some goals you have before you die?

OneWeek

This week has been a pretty good one filled with a pretty even balance of relaxation and family/friend time. I think I go back and forth pretty frequently over whether I'm disappointed to not be home the rest of the summer or whether I'm just extremely ready.

Part of me wishes that I would be able to be part of all of the "College&Career" activities, see my friends from church and school, spend time with my parents and sister/brother-in-law, or hang out on weekends up north with the cousins, while the other part of me is dying to get out and serve God, grow closer to Him away from the typical comforts of life, meet new people, be a mentor to kids, adapt to rising with the sun, and be forced to try new activities.
...that about sums up my feelings in one paragraph, to be honest.

The previous paragraph describes the inner battle I currently am facing between comfort and service (because to be honest, service is definitely not comfortable, and I am slowly coming to realize that). It's a strange feeling.. battling with oneself. Thankfully, I am not the only one involved in this "battle," but I have my God by my side, leading me to do His will one step at a time, and thankfully, I am going to camp whether I fully want to or not.

So, here I go. One week left. I won't lie, I will miss the sleeping in, the lazy days, the great talks with my parents, the down-time with my sister and brother-in-law, the random hang outs with long-time friends, and the freedom to read books for fun.
However, I cannot wait for the craziness, the laughing/screaming children, the opportunity to minister to these children, the responsibilities I have which force me to stay focused in my walk with God, the hikes, the cabins, the horses, the people I will meet, the staff that I will grow close to, the campfires, the nature, and the new experiences.

One quote I just found online that I really like:

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."
~Neil Postman

My main prayer is that through us, children will come to know God. I pray that our lives would be a testimony of His love, grace, and holiness, and that they would see Jesus Christ in us.

Provision and Prayer

This past week I have really been made aware of two main factors in the Christian life which I unfortunately take for granted and often overlook: God's constant provision and answering of prayer.
I believe that if I stopped to think about these two aspects of God more often, I would stumble in my faith a lot less.

For the past few years, money matters have been a constant issue which persistently prod at my family's mind. Budgets have been tight for most families that I know as well, especially families with college kids. A few days ago I received an email showing the amount of federal aid I would receive this coming year, and I can tell you that I was blown out of the water when I saw it. Not only did God provide, but He abundantly lavished. Yes, there are still payments to be done, but it's doable. God is good. He is good no matter what, but the fact that He chooses to bless me with the most random and incredible blessings expresses His complete goodness and MERCY, simply blowing me away.
Sometimes I find myself struggling to understand why God would allow my father, a hard-working, experienced, brilliant, friendly, godly man to be unable to find suitable work for over three years. While this question looms in my head, my eyes are blinded from the truth of it all. Job or not, God has provided. I have found that through this seemingly negative job situation, my dad has not only made a difference in my life through his determined mind-set and humble spirit, but he has also impacted the lives of an innumerable amount of people. Through the extra time he has been given, he has been able to truly invest himself in the lives of our family and those in our church, and instead of letting the difficulties bring him down, he always finds hope in God's provision. My father is truly an incredible role model, and I strive to love God and people the way he does.

In the realms of prayer, I seem to go through this every few months, where I see how INCREDIBLE God is in His love for me as He hears me, an insignificant nothing, and then answers.
This past week I found my old prayer journal from 2008 and 2009. The encouragement I received from reading through it, seeing all of the answered prayers (definitely not how I imagined they would be answered), reminiscing on these past situations, and meditating on God's goodness, is unable to truly be described in words. As I look back to December 2008, I remember the pain I had over some of these situations, the total helplessness I felt, and the desperation with which I prayed these prayers to God.
Some of these prayer requests:
-"That Chantal would be able to get a VISA and be able to come to the U.S. soon." Dec. 2008
        Chantal not only was able to come the U.S. safely without any problems, but her and Jean-Paul are now married and have an incredibly beautiful little girl.
-"That one of my friends would stop doing drugs and to get saved." Dec 2008
        One of my high school friends not only stopped doing drugs, but accepted Christ as His Savior.
-"That I would find work" Dec 2008
        I not only found work, but I was able to witness to people during the job as well.
-"That my sister would get the funds for college." Dec 2008
       My sister, Grace not only was able to afford college, but is now graduated with her Master's in Nursing and is now a Nurse Practitioner.
-"That my sister would find a good godly guy." Dec 2008
      Not only did she "find a good godly guy" but she found the best, godly guy for her and they are now married.
-"That this year I would grow spiritually." Jan 2009
      Well, this year has definitely been a growing experience, and I am thankful to God for every situation He placed in my life this year to grow closer to Him and be forced to seek His face and find my identity in Him alone.
-"That I would progress in writing." Jan 2009
      I definitely feel as though I've really been able to learn more about writing and become more motivated to chase after my Journalism dreams ;]. So much more work to do, but when compared to 2009, I definitely grew in my writing abilities.
-"That my relative would quit smoking and grow spiritually." Feb 2009
     He quit that smoking. And he's still going strong (it's been about a year and a half or more). In these two years he also has grown spiritually as well.
-"For my friend to find work." Feb 2009
       She has had work for quite a while, and now has an interview for even better full-time position at another job.
-"For my cousin Marc to find an internship." Feb 2009
       He now has an incredible internship. It may have taken a while, but God still answered in His time.
-"SATs." Mar 2009
       Well I'm in college and finished my freshman year, so I must have passed those SATs.


The lists go on and on, from friends finding work after months of searching, to friends and family being healed without many complications of injuries and illnesses, God has been working. Many of my requests consisted of struggles in my own spiritual life, and while I have by no means conquered many of these, God has grown me through them and allowed Himself to be glorified through these weaknesses.

This is not to say that every request I pray for I expect to get "my way", because really God owes me NOTHING, nor do I even know what is truly best for myself the way my Savior does. This is just to show God's grace in these situations, allowing me and my friends or family to get through these situations, bringing the circumstances to conclude in ways which would glorify Him, even though done in methods I would not expect nor typically choose for myself. Thankfully, other than the choices I make, I am not in control of what happens to me, but rather God, the Creator of the Universe holds me and my situations in His hands always.

The Adventures of a Swollen Face

As I sit here, tired, swollen, and having watched way too many movies in one day, I think to myself, "Self, this is probably a good time to write a blog about my fat-faced, delirious experiences this long day!" So here I am, ready to unleash the not-so-fascinating life of a swollen visage (yes, my entire face has experiences of its own. Don't mock me).

So what occurred pre-surgery this morning?
I woke up (that's always a good sign). My mom drove me to the oral surgeon, myself unwillingly riding in the passenger seat. Just kidding.. I chose to come, but only because I had to (explain that one).
We arrived, awkwardly sat down in the waiting room, finished the extra paperwork, and off I went into the chair of death (...dentist chair). As I watched the nurses attach strange things to my arms and fingers, I decided that I didn't like this as much I thought I wouldn't like it. Then came the needle, which just about did it for me. As I was contemplating throwing off the awkward clamps on my arms and fingers and rampaging through the hospital yelling, "YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST," I decided that wouldn't be a good idea, but instead turned away and closed my eyes (not quite as fulfilling). The nurse placed some weird mask thing on my nose and the last thing I heard her say was, "Take a deep breath in. You're going to feel a little weird in a minute." Weird was definitely an understatement. My body almost seemed to tingle and as I dosed off I remember thinking, "So this is what it feels like to get high. This is definitely not fun."

The next thing I know, I am dreaming (or at least I think I am). The world seems to be spinning in all sorts of directions, and my mom and the nurse seem to be talking very slowly and quietly. The only thing I could really make out in the conversation was the nurse telling my mom to keep talking to me so I would eventually wake up and be able to leave. At this point, I was really confused, wondering why the surgery hadn't started yet and why I felt so tired. While it all began to spin less, the lack of feeling in my face began to be more evident. I blinked my eyes a few times, realizing I could not see due to my near-blindness (the sadness of needing contacts/glasses). I recognized my mom sitting across from me asking me if I could hear her, as she touched my leg a little bit to awaken me. For some reason my legs felt extremely numb and uncomfortable, causing me to angrily pull my leg away and grunt at her (yes I remember all of this, and when I look back I don't understand the reasoning behind my actions... but it happens when you're high on anesthetics). During this unidentified period of time (I really cannot remember how long it took for me to actually get up), I recall a few random attempted "conversations" that my mom and I exchanged.

Remembered Conversation One:
Mom: How are you feeling?
Me: *swollen-mouthed grumbling*...I feel high.
Mom: What? High?
Me: I hate drugs. I'm never taking them.
Mom: God forbid. (except she said that in Arabic..)

Remembered Conversation Two:

Me: *still awkwardly groaning through the swollen-ness and gauze* ...What's this? (pointing to my lips which I have no feeling in). Gauze?
Mom: No. Your lips.
Me: NOOoooo! NO! IT'S GAUZE!
Mom: No. It's definitely your lips.
Me: ..Oh. What's this? (point to my chin). Gauze?
Mom: No. That's your chin.
Me: Noooo!! GAUZE!
                     --> I'm not really sure why I was so frustrated by the fact that it wasn't gauze, but for some reason this whole little issue really bothered me. And I remember it all, but don't get any of it.

Remembered Conversation Three:

Me: *...still very difficult to understand* I'm dizzy.
Mom: ...What are you saying?
Me: Dizzy.
Mom: Are you feeling sick?
Me: NO. DIZZY. *spinning my hand around in circles angrily*
Mom: Ohh. You're dizzy?
Me: *sobbing* Yes. Dizzy. I can't see.
Mom: Are you blacking out? Are you ok?
Me: No. Because I'm dizzy. *still sobbing*

...hahaha my poor mother.
Then, the nurse came in.
At this point, my mom gave me my glasses so I could finally see things in the room, which actually just made everything begin to spin even more and hurt my head all the more. Of course, this is when the nurse decides to walk in.

Nurse: How are you feeling?
Me: *staring at a painting on the wall of three little girls* ....The girls are creepy.
Nurse: What girls?
Me: The ones on the wall.
Nurse: *looks up at the wall* ...hahahahaha. THOSE GIRLS ARE CREEPY! Don't tell the doctor I said that though!
Me: *tries to laugh but is in pain every time I break a smile*

So, the rest my time in the office consisted of odd conversations like these along with my attempt to stand up and move around. All of this was in "dream-mode".. you know, that mode where you're there, but everything is far away and awkward. The only word that kept coming to mind throughout all of this was "groggy," which was pretty appropriate. A few nasty things occurred, which I won't go into detail about, for all your sakes, but it was all pretty unpleasant at this point.

When I arrived home I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, noticed my swollen face, attempted to laugh at myself, but instead found myself in pain (how awful it is to be in pain during laughter.. such an oxymoron). The rest of the day consisted of mashed potatoes, smashed popsicles, gatorade, meds, about 5 hours of girly movies on the couch, and another two hour movie with my cousin Simon who came to keep me company. And now I am here, typing away.

All in all, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I expected (yet), I can finally feel my lips and tongue, and I love mashed potatoes, so it's all good. There isn't much to complain about when I am allowed to watch chick flicks all day with my mom. So, to any of you who prayed for me, thank you! It definitely helped!

Anddd let the sleeping begin. I'm definitely ready for a good nights sleep.
Goodnight, and God bless!

Oh, yes.. and two pictures to humor you...

 Swollen. Sad. Unable to feel my face...

                       ....but my Mama acts as a good nurse :].
So thankful for her. I love you, Mama!!