He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing,  ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).

Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

Me of Little Faith

Sometimes I don't write because there really isn't anything to say. Other times, I don't write because I have something to say but don't know if it's worth documenting- if I write, it means that I have to be vulnerable. Lately, the latter has been most applicable. Well, I think it's time to be vulnerable and document.

It is in that moment of doubt that you lose yourself. Doubting your purpose. Doubting your worth. It is when you take your eyes off of Jesus that you begin to sink to your watery grave. It's like I've been drowning in the salty water of decision making, gasping for the air that I hope will give me answers. But through it all, I've received no answers. No clarification. No miraculous sign from God to show me what I'm supposed to do with my life. Nothing. Just empty discouragement.

Yet, as I gazed longingly at the Savior, my eyes slowly descending beneath the water line, I realized what had happened. My faith had failed, and instead of keeping my eyes on the One who rules all, I looked at the size of the waves and the strength of the wind, and my focus on Jesus was shifted to my lack of strength. Who was I to walk on water? I wasn't anyone at all, and I didn't deserve to be defying any sort of laws of nature. I couldn't do it. I wasn't capable. Well, I was right. I wasn't capable. What I didn't and still don't always understand is that, that's the point. Jesus allowed Peter to sink for that brief moment because Peter pulled his eyes away from Jesus, even if just for a moment. That brief glance at the water represented Peter's reliance on himself. Peter was no longer trusting in Jesus for strength.

As I, metaphorically, walked on the water, I realized in just a moment that I didn't know where I would step next. I had no plan, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to complete it. Well, Jesus hasn't called me to know where I am going on the water. He has just called me to walk, my eyes fixed on Him. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You will call me." -Hillsong United

I know God has called me to serve Him, whether I know the specifics or not. The question isn't where I'm going, but whether I'm willing to go or not. Though I fight discouragement, confusion and lack of direction, I know that there's more to this story than meets the eye. An easy life is not an option in life of a Jesus follower, and I must realize that if I'm not willing to serve God while not knowing His calling, I won't be willing to serve God while knowing His calling. Knowing isn't the issue. It's the step of faith that defines the follower. No wind, no wave, no lack of footing can prevent me from accomplishing God's purpose for my life. May I keep my eyes on Jesus, no matter the storm.

Matthew 14:22-32 

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way[a] from the land,[b] beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out,“Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

The Poem of Unrest

Miles and miles by car or flight,

The world seemed to have shrunk,

The Caribbean star, the Arabian night,

A filled, yet empty trunk.

To pasture grand with roaming horse,

Or eastern salty wave,

So far to learn, no past remorse,

I thought that I was brave.

And though the travels did entice,

My heart was left behind,

I found that though each place was nice,

My love was not that kind.

Romantic dreams of southern stage,

Made faulty thoughts unkempt,

And though the dreamer dreamt a page,

The words were still unmet.

Expectations, inspirations,

All but really fake,

Though I still have aspirations,

It’s not my time to take.

Willing attempt, decision and plan,

Each a noble cause,
Still fall short for every man,

They’re destination flaws.

Every place, experience galore,

Though rewarding in their way,

Leave its partakers wanting more,

Grown hunger every day.

One thing fulfills and does suffice,

Its mysteries unfailing,

Few prove willing to pay the price:

Surrender and exhaling. 

Gossip, Words & Speaking the Truth in Love

Gossip. 

The cliche posters in high schools saying "Gossip hurts."
The Christians who talk about how bad it is, but find time to tear people apart on a daily basis.
The idea that it doesn't even show up in Christian circles.

Unfortunately, despite people's recognition of how unbiblical it is, we still tend to shove it under the rug. Why? Why do we recognize other sins, yet find it justifiable to use words to rip people to shreds? What makes us think that it's ok?

I write this because I realize that this is one of my deepest and most real struggles. Let's be honest.
I am the first to blame. Right here, right now.

As Christians, our gossip may not involve a "Oh wow did you see her shoes? How hideous." (or maybe they do.. in which case, that's just sad).
Often our gossip entails sitting in our Christian circles and idly discussing others failures and mess-ups.
Does the fact that people sin or do something we don't approve of give us the right to go and talk to other people about them?

I guess the more specific question is, Did Jesus ever say this?:
"To make yourself more holy, go ahead and talk trash about an individual, let everyone know exactly what they did wrong and make sure they know that you would never do something like that. Humiliate them if necessary."
NO.

In fact, He said quite the opposite.

In Matthew 8:1-12, Jesus is in the middle of teaching a crowd when some Pharisees bring a woman (who was caught in the act of adultery) to Jesus, telling him to stone her.
His response?

“He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”

Now, I don't believe Jesus was saying that sin shouldn't be punished.
No, not at all. Sin is sin.
Sin is the reason Jesus came to die for us. Sin is what put Him on that cross.
I believe that this was Jesus' point: the Pharisees sought to publicly display individuals sin so that they themselves would seem more holy. So that people would recognize their works.

Isn't this often the motivation behind our idle conversation? To glorify ourselves?
Is this Biblical?
Why is it so difficult for us to show grace to others when JESUS shows grace to us DAILY?

When sin issues need to be addressed (and are done with a humble, loving heart), sin won't be addressed in a method of gossip.
Matthew 18:15-20 clearly tells what one should do if someone sins:

¹⁵ Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

 It also addresses what to do when a believer won't listen to you, if you do talk to them about their sin:

¹⁶ But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ ¹⁷ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

There's a pattern to dealing with believer's sin issues, and gossip is not one of them. Yes, if they absolutely refuse to leave from a sinful lifestyle, we are to view them as any other unbeliever (that does not mean we should sit and gossip about unbelievers either).
Sin should be addressed, but it should be addressed directly to the person.
Jesus addressed sin, and he addressed abandoning ourselves and our fleshly desires to follow HIM:

Matthew 8:34-35

³⁴ When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. ³⁵ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. 

When talking about sin issues, he didn't drop names- he simply talked about the sin for what it was. Romans 3 is extremely up front with man's depravity. It talks about the human condition and one's need for a SAVIOR.
However, Paul (in Romans) does not sit and name every person, what they did and how wrong they were.
He says "THIS is sin. THIS is why we need a Savior. THIS is the type of forgiveness we can have from our sins."
Not: "Woah, look at Sally Sue's sin! Can you believe that!"
No.

Believer or unbeliever- gossip is unacceptable.
Whether just empty chatter or whether seemingly "holy" talk- if it's not uplifting, edifying, encouraging, if it's not building up the body of Christ, if it's not pointing people to Christ, if it's not righteous LOVE- don't do it.

Really, it all comes back to LOVE. 
1 Corinthians 13 says,

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing."

Words. How powerful they are, yet how freely we use them.
The same tongue that says loving words can also be brutal and evil. (James 3)
So many verses in the Bible about this topic.

It's difficult because people often don't even know what constitutes "gossip." 
Basically, this is how I can tell that I should not say something (though often times I say it anyway, sadly) and that
it fits into the "gossip" category:

• If I would not want it said about me, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something that, if the subject matter had been about me, I would have rather it said in private, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's untrue, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not furthering the kingdom of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not glorifying the name of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not bringing someone to Christ, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something I'd be embarrassed to have repeated to me later, I shouldn't say it.
• If I don't have all of the facts, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not the business of the person I'm telling it to, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's going to get spread unnecessarily, I shouldn't say it.
• If what I'm saying isn't done out of LOVE, I shouldn't say it.
  As one of my elementary teachers used to always say:
  "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary."

I borrowed this picture from a Pinterest user: "OMalls."

Gossip is detrimental. It destroys friendships, builds enemies, breaks trust, hurts everyone.
Eradicate the gossip, whatever form it may take. It's not worth it.

Things I Learned Today

1. The highway is not as scary of a place as it seems.
   Beyond the high speeds and the obnoxious tolls, the highway has a soft spot to it. A soft spot that involves cruising to tunes, feeling like a winner and enjoying the scenery (which is always quite wonderful in New England). Despite my former assumptions, not all drivers are out to get me, 70 mph is really not that terrifying and I will not end up in Canada. Five years later, I have conquered an irrational fear! Laugh if you want, but we both know that you have an equally irrational fear. It's ok, we'll get through it together.
   
   
2. I'm not quite as directionally dysfunctional as previously believed.
   I didn't get lost today on the way to my internship... and I drove for almost an hour all alone! For those of you who know me, this is a big deal. I mean, I am still lower on the "I know how to get places" meter, but I learned today that I can read signs. When the GPS fell off the windshield and I was forced to just find my way via road signs, I made it. Well, I am positive that it was God giving me wisdom so I wouldn't, in fact, end up in Canada, but with God's help I CAN FIGURE IT OUT! I may be able to survive the transportation world after all.
   
   
3. I am learning things in school!
   Yay! The thousands of dollars that I have been spending (and my parent's have been spending) on an education haven't been a waste! For my internship, I will have to use the same audio program that I used during my practicum. Today, I realized how much I remembered. I wasn't as completely and utterly lost as I thought I would be! Hizzah for being able to keep up! Hip hip, hooray! I wonder how many other things I know and remember that I do not even realize? Thank you to the many professors who pour into us as students-- you are much appreciated. To be quite honest, I would be as clueless as it gets if it were not for the professor folks.
   
   
4. The LORD is faithful.
   Wait what? I didn't know that already? Well, I did... My faith just always seems to kind of burn down to a warm glow sometimes instead of the preferred blazing flame. That truth stinks, but it is the truth none-the-less. Despite my unbelief, God is GOOD, kind, merciful, and loving. He gives when I don't deserve, blesses when I don't believe and provides when I don't see it coming. I still have yet to find a job, but I trust that I will end up exactly where God wants me. Exactly where. I also know that, until He provides a job, I am, right now, exactly where He wants me to be. Exactly there. I am so thankful I have a God who I can trust, and I am thankful for the opportunities He has given me to serve Him, glorify Him and SHINE Him.
   
   
5. I'm in the right major.
   YES. Another indication that I have not wasted my (and my parent's) money. Even if I don't do exactly what it is I'm studying to do (that is, writing and journalism), it's helping me to get into different types of avenues and explore the gifts God has given me. I love what I'm learning, and it's been useful to so many unexpected aspects of my life.
   
   
6. I'm thankful for my school.
   I realized today that I complain an unnecessary amount about my school. So I don't agree with every little thing they do. So what? I am SO blessed to be there. The opportunities have been great. The lessons have been great. The education has been great. The professors have been great. The people I have been able to get to know are great. From my experiences and education at that school, I have learned and come to understand even MORE about how GREAT my God is. Also, I promise that I learned more words in journalism school than the word "great," but I also learned to only use big words when necessary, and "great" is the most fittingly simple word. I love that God has changed me through my time at school, and I love that He has been glorified through my experiences there.
   
   
7. My parent's are incredible.
   So supportive. So encouraging. So loving. I mean, my mom packed me a lunch on my first day today just to relieve my nerves and save me time-- if that's not love, I don't know what is. They are always showing me the love of God, and I couldn't be more overwhelmed by it. People have asked me, "Well, you grew up being taught about Jesus. How do you know you weren't just believing a lie your whole childhood?" I can tell you right now that my parent's HAVE LIVED the truth. They were my early glimpses of God's love. They were my brief explanations to hope and truth. For that, I am unbelievably grateful. They're not perfect, but they were perfect for me: they were the parents God provided me with. He knew I would be born to them, and He knew that I would need them to be the parents I had. My mind is sort of boggled now, so I'm going to move on to another point.
   
   
8. God is my strength.
   Again, something I already knew, but something I literally need to be reminded of EVERY day. Every action, every decision, every word-- everything-- can only be done by God's strength in me. Anything I do in my own attempts with result in a FAIL. Believe me, I've had many FAIL moments, and they're not fun. But I've also had many victorious moments when I gave up control to my Savior. The only reason I made it on the highway, did not get lost, followed what was going on today, understood the instructions, made it through the day in one piece and made it back home safely was that Jesus got me through. That's how. There's really no other method of success but to give up control to Jesus. So refreshing.

So, I'm going to go and end there. One, because I'm out of points, and two, because 8 is my favorite number. Funny how that works out.
Thankful to the LORD for another day that He was give the glory!

If you can't change it, let it go.

Despite the finals coming up, I have been extremely peaceful in regards to all of my school work these days. Thinking about this makes me realize how much God has changed me over the past few years of my life. During the high school days, if it was finals week my heart would be racing, the world would be ending and my nerves would almost be up to par with Mrs. Bennett's (and everyone would reply with a "I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."). (Please tell me you caught my Pride and Prejudice reference..)

"Have you no consideration for my poor nerves!?"

But as life has passed and I realized how miniscule many of these "stress producers" were, my life has changed quite drastically for the better.

I honestly trace this whole attitude change back to freshman year (of college). I attribute the whole mindset alteration to my lovely roommate at the time, Kaytee. (Yeah, I was that freshman who freaked out about English 101). Every time I would have a meltdown over one of my two page papers (hahah.. now I laugh..), Kaytee would tell me to calm down, get over it and just do it. And she was right. When I would stress about a grade I got and be extremely disappointed, she would tell me that if I couldn't change it, it was time to move on. And she was right. Somewhere along the way, her words clicked in my mind.

"If you can't change it or can't do anything about it, why stress out?"
"All you can do is your best, but don't let this ruin your life."

Back then, I always felt like she was being insensitive and didn't really understand.
Now, I am so thankful for the lesson she taught me and the way it helped me to grow. The Lord has put so many people in my life to teach me seemingly simple lessons and grow me in seemingly simple ways. I do believe that this lesson, however miniscule it seems, changed my perspective on life forever.

Honestly, this year has probably been the most intense year of my college career.. and maybe in my life in general, in regards to my walk with God. Yet, despite the intensity of this year, I was probably the most at peace I have ever been in my life. I owe that all to the Lord for allowing me to let go of that stressful perspective I once had and hold on to His truths and focus on eternity.
The Lord has stretched me in ways I never expected, pushed me in ways I never wanted and used me in ways I never deserved.
I am so thankful to the Lord for every lesson He has put in my life thus far, and I am looking forward to (and to be honest, extremely terrified of) whatever God will bring my way in the future. I am so incredibly encouraged by my sisters and brothers in Christ and the way they challenge my walk with God.

So anyway, I guess the point is, if you're stressed over whatever, ask yourself these things:
1. Can you change it? If so, how? If not, then let it go.
2. Are you in control of this situation? If so, take responsibility and just get it done. If not, give it up.
3. Will this impact eternity? Either way, why are you stressing? God is in control. (which is honestly the answer to everything...)
4. Will this matter one year from now? If not, chill out.

God is still God

Tragedy tends to either bring out the best or to bring out the worst in people. I like to think that most of the time, it brings out the best.

Sometimes I think I know. I think I know life and then something happens. Tragedy. And then I am reminded at how little I really know and how young I truly am. I'm not invincible, but I do believe I forget how fragile the human race truly is. In this fallen world, death and pain is inevitable.

Boston. My home. 

Tragedy happens every day, but when it's close to home, our invincibility factor tends to evaporate. What invincibility? My home-- threatened. My fellow Bostonians-- attacked.

In my own school, young adults facing death.
 
Last night, I went to Faith Helbig's memorial. 
I've never met Faith, and I don't even think I've seen her around really.
We never had a relationship, and she never knew my name.
We didn't have any deep conversations.
We never had a conversation at all.
Despite those minute details, my heart ached for my brothers and sisters in Christ who lost her.

Tragedy.

Whatever happened the day that she died changed my friends' lives forever, and I'll never really understand. I think I know life, but I don't.

As we stood with our unlit candles at the memorial, the wind sorrowfully blowing our hair into the mess that symbolized this situation, my eyes scanned the crowd of tearful college students and staff members who were mourning the death of this 18-year-old girl. Many were her friends, her family, her leadership and her acquaintances, and I am sure that many were like me.
Total strangers, witnessing tragedy.

As I stood there, I mourned for those people experiencing tragedy, and as I mourned, I realized that  
I think I know life, but I don't.
I also realized that despite tragedy and despite my ignorance to life, 
God is still God. He is still good. He is still in control.
He is still GOD.
The same God who parted the Red Sea.
The same God who allowed Job to experience intense trial so that God would be glorified.
The same God who used sinful people to serve Him.
The same God who is so completely holy that Moses had to hide in the cleft of a rock when He passed by and was only able to see the back of God.
The same God who sent His Son to die for the sin of mankind.
The same God who resurrected from the dead.
That's OUR GOD. He is Who He is, and He does not change.

The Lord gives and He takes away and beyond the depravity and feebleness of the human race,
He is GOD.

I don't understand tragedy... yet... but when I do, I strive to remember that GOD IS STILL GOD.

What Gets me Through the Day

The Lord is faithful.
Despite our failures, despite our flaws, He is good, and He dwells within us.

That's what gets me through the day.
Me? I don't get myself through anything. Ever.-- What gets me through is the fact that I belong to an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God.
The gospel. How easily, as Christians, we forget it. How much we take it for granted.
I was recently reminded of the beauty of the gospel while meeting with my "Big 4" for next year, and when I was reminded, I was convicted.
Details, details, details.
Important details, but often ones that mask the greater issue when not handled with care.
What greater issue? The gospel.
What gospel?

Jesus Christ. My undeserving self. His love and forgiveness. My failure.
I am in need. He is in abundance.
In need of love, and He is love & lavishes it freely.
In need of joy, and He is the source of joy.
In need of identity, and He tells me I am His.
In need of hope, and HE declares my future.
In need of saving, and HE redeems me. 
He is Everything.
The CREATOR, sacrificing for the creation?
Love. 

THE GOSPEL.

That's what get's me through the day.
The Lord is faithful.

We Call it Living

I haven't been doing a very good job of writing these days, but I haven't had much to write about. What is there to say in regards to the mass amounts of school work I have to do, the many SLD interviews I've had to go through for my next year as an RA and the sleeping I do (if I can).

The cycle-like times in life force me to reevaluate who I am and remind myself that there's more to life than just getting through. It's so terrifyingly simple to fall in that mundane pattern of living, where life is just what you do. And yes, life can be monotonous sometimes, but God is to be glorified in EVERYTHING we do.
Everything. 
Even what we eat.
Or what we think.
Or how we respond.
Or how much effort we put into our tasks.
Or what we say.
Or what attitude we have.
Or why we do what we do.

These little everythings... they make one big something.
These details seem to swallow up our attention and transform us into mindless zombies, our brains hanging out and our goal to remove of other people's brains (in a sense) as well.
Instead living life well, we just drone on with no life at all and bring everyone else down with us.
The big picture slides out of view and purpose on this earth rests in a fog.
A motionless, thick, ever-hovering fog.

Who we are, why we're here, Who we serve, how we're here. 

The big picture.

We forget. 

I'm talking to myself right now, in case you're wondering. I usually am in my blog posts, though.. so you probably figured.

Seriously though-- is this how God called us to live? Mediocre and mundane? False.
God called us to live life extraordinarily. We're not just people. We're GOD'S CHILDREN. We were bought with a price. We are here to glorify GOD. We are here to tell people about Jesus. We are alive because of JESUS!

1 Corinthians 10:31
"Therefore whether you eat or drink, or  

whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, 

whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  

For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s."

1 John 4:4

"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, 

because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

Matthew 28:19-20

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; 

and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen."

When Jesus gave us life, He did not give us life to waste, but to LIVE. 

He gave us life so that the little things in our life would ultimately fulfill God's will. 

These little things? They're not meaningless. They belong to GOD. 

All of these little things, make up something big. 

So, friends, let us live our lives in love with Jesus, 
knowing that we are here to glorify God.
Knowing that we are God's, purchased by Him.
Knowing that He is in us and GREATER.
Knowing that He is with us always.