Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

God is still God

Tragedy tends to either bring out the best or to bring out the worst in people. I like to think that most of the time, it brings out the best.

Sometimes I think I know. I think I know life and then something happens. Tragedy. And then I am reminded at how little I really know and how young I truly am. I'm not invincible, but I do believe I forget how fragile the human race truly is. In this fallen world, death and pain is inevitable.

Boston. My home. 

Tragedy happens every day, but when it's close to home, our invincibility factor tends to evaporate. What invincibility? My home-- threatened. My fellow Bostonians-- attacked.

In my own school, young adults facing death.
 
Last night, I went to Faith Helbig's memorial. 
I've never met Faith, and I don't even think I've seen her around really.
We never had a relationship, and she never knew my name.
We didn't have any deep conversations.
We never had a conversation at all.
Despite those minute details, my heart ached for my brothers and sisters in Christ who lost her.

Tragedy.

Whatever happened the day that she died changed my friends' lives forever, and I'll never really understand. I think I know life, but I don't.

As we stood with our unlit candles at the memorial, the wind sorrowfully blowing our hair into the mess that symbolized this situation, my eyes scanned the crowd of tearful college students and staff members who were mourning the death of this 18-year-old girl. Many were her friends, her family, her leadership and her acquaintances, and I am sure that many were like me.
Total strangers, witnessing tragedy.

As I stood there, I mourned for those people experiencing tragedy, and as I mourned, I realized that  
I think I know life, but I don't.
I also realized that despite tragedy and despite my ignorance to life, 
God is still God. He is still good. He is still in control.
He is still GOD.
The same God who parted the Red Sea.
The same God who allowed Job to experience intense trial so that God would be glorified.
The same God who used sinful people to serve Him.
The same God who is so completely holy that Moses had to hide in the cleft of a rock when He passed by and was only able to see the back of God.
The same God who sent His Son to die for the sin of mankind.
The same God who resurrected from the dead.
That's OUR GOD. He is Who He is, and He does not change.

The Lord gives and He takes away and beyond the depravity and feebleness of the human race,
He is GOD.

I don't understand tragedy... yet... but when I do, I strive to remember that GOD IS STILL GOD.