He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Room

As I sit in my bedroom at home, its history haunts me, reminding me of who I've been and how God has changed me. I remember when I moved into this room-- eight years old and completely unaware of the utterly different, yet curiously similar girl that would sleep in the room thirteen years later.
The pictures on the wall have hung there for about nine years, some for longer and some shorter.
On the wall to the left of my closet hangs the wolf poster I designed in 6th grade (that was the class project that sparked my love for the crazy beasts) and a variety of other wolf pictures. To some, it may be an odd fascination, but I love wolves, nonetheless. Another glimpse of the nerdy-self.

The figures on my dresser have collected there over the years, my 1st grade softball trophy being the oldest member of the collection. On one side of my mirror hangs my kindergarten graduation tassel, and on the other side hangs my high school graduation cap.
The miniature piano music box given to me by my piano teacher of eight years sits on the dresser as well, and I remember the many frustrating, yet absolutely incredible years of piano lessons. I think of how my piano teacher didn't just teach me how to play an instrument but how to live a song. She always reminded me of why I should play and Who I should play for, and I haven't forgotten.

Each poster and picture on the wall has a memory and a background. In high school, I hung the 1 Peter 3:3-4 poster above my mirror to daily remind myself of the beauty that lasts in life. Pictures of my family all around my room, because I am blessed by them. Pictures of childhood friends scattered here and there, whether I'm still friends with those folks or not. Why I do keep the pictures? To remind me that friends come and go, but the LORD remains. Posters of childhood fandom and adulthood realizations, Bible verses that have especially made a difference in crucial points in my life and things with memories. I hung John 14:27 at the end of my bed during the times of consecutive nightmares, and it reminds me every night of the peace in Jesus Christ.

The bookshelf that holds many of my favorite classics and even more of my unread, literature goals. I haven't conquered the whole mini-library yet, but someday it will happen (although the books constantly seem to multiply). Books from my childhood sit up there-- the ones that sparked my love for story-telling.

The memory chest is a newer addition to my room, but one of my favorite parts of it. When we found it in the attic, I knew it would be in my life for a while. No matter how unexciting or unenchanting it's outward appearance may be, it's inward contents are priceless. Old journals, even older pictures, little artifacts that remind me of the people that have come and gone through my life, glimpses of myself from the past and dreams for myself in the future. Few secrets, but many stories.

Such a little room, yet so much history of my small life.

This summer, I plan to move to my sister's old room.
Maybe it's for the extra space. Maybe it's for the change. Maybe it's for both.
Maybe it's to remind myself that a room with a past does not define me.
It will be hard to say goodbye to this room, but it will always be my room.
No one knows it like I do.

It's time to move on.

If you can't change it, let it go.

Despite the finals coming up, I have been extremely peaceful in regards to all of my school work these days. Thinking about this makes me realize how much God has changed me over the past few years of my life. During the high school days, if it was finals week my heart would be racing, the world would be ending and my nerves would almost be up to par with Mrs. Bennett's (and everyone would reply with a "I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."). (Please tell me you caught my Pride and Prejudice reference..)

"Have you no consideration for my poor nerves!?"

But as life has passed and I realized how miniscule many of these "stress producers" were, my life has changed quite drastically for the better.

I honestly trace this whole attitude change back to freshman year (of college). I attribute the whole mindset alteration to my lovely roommate at the time, Kaytee. (Yeah, I was that freshman who freaked out about English 101). Every time I would have a meltdown over one of my two page papers (hahah.. now I laugh..), Kaytee would tell me to calm down, get over it and just do it. And she was right. When I would stress about a grade I got and be extremely disappointed, she would tell me that if I couldn't change it, it was time to move on. And she was right. Somewhere along the way, her words clicked in my mind.

"If you can't change it or can't do anything about it, why stress out?"
"All you can do is your best, but don't let this ruin your life."

Back then, I always felt like she was being insensitive and didn't really understand.
Now, I am so thankful for the lesson she taught me and the way it helped me to grow. The Lord has put so many people in my life to teach me seemingly simple lessons and grow me in seemingly simple ways. I do believe that this lesson, however miniscule it seems, changed my perspective on life forever.

Honestly, this year has probably been the most intense year of my college career.. and maybe in my life in general, in regards to my walk with God. Yet, despite the intensity of this year, I was probably the most at peace I have ever been in my life. I owe that all to the Lord for allowing me to let go of that stressful perspective I once had and hold on to His truths and focus on eternity.
The Lord has stretched me in ways I never expected, pushed me in ways I never wanted and used me in ways I never deserved.
I am so thankful to the Lord for every lesson He has put in my life thus far, and I am looking forward to (and to be honest, extremely terrified of) whatever God will bring my way in the future. I am so incredibly encouraged by my sisters and brothers in Christ and the way they challenge my walk with God.

So anyway, I guess the point is, if you're stressed over whatever, ask yourself these things:
1. Can you change it? If so, how? If not, then let it go.
2. Are you in control of this situation? If so, take responsibility and just get it done. If not, give it up.
3. Will this impact eternity? Either way, why are you stressing? God is in control. (which is honestly the answer to everything...)
4. Will this matter one year from now? If not, chill out.

Fresh Eyes

I met my nephew today, and it was more incredible than I anticipated.

I remember when my sister used to dream of the day she would find the man God wanted her to be with. I remember when she watched her friends getting married and having children, and I remember seeing that longing in her.
Now it's here.
God has blessed her with an awesome husband and a beautiful baby boy.

I don't think I've been happier for anyone in my entire life.
I don't think I have ever loved a baby this much in my entire life, either.

Today, I held Kyle, and he looked up at me in all of his innocence, soaking in the world around him.
I wonder what he sees when he sees the world?

I don't know what he's thinking, but I know that I'm thinking that I serve a powerful and beautiful God who forms the most incredible beings and creatures. I serve a God who hand-makes humans to be unique and individual. There is no other copy of this Kyle. There is no other me. There is no other you.

As he looked up at me, straining to keep his eyes open, my heart worshipped God. I don't think I really even knew it at the time fully, but it happened. I was in awe at this new human. It's not like I've never seen a baby before, but I don't know. This is different. It's my sister's son... and he's here.
Sometimes, the Lord's provision has nothing to do with finances, health or safety.
Sometimes, the Lord provides people. 

Sometimes, the Lord provides little people to tug at your heart and make you thankful for life.
Sometimes, the Lord provides innocence and beauty.
Fresh eyes.

Thankfulness for the past. Appreciation of the present.
Hope for the future.

How do newborns spark this sort of awakening?

All I know is that God is a good God and that amidst a world of chaos and darkness, He provides peace and light.

Baby Kyle, minus the full beard.

As of February 28th, I am an aunt (not pronounced like the insect).

Basically, I cannot contain my excitement and generally tell everyone I see. I don't know half of them (well.... I do now. Even the lady who works at the dining hall... We're friends now, and she asks to see pictures of the little tyke).

My sister, Grace, texted me every now and then on Wednesday, updating me on her current "situation." (I will avoid details for your own sake). As the afternoon approached, so did baby's arrival. Grace texted me with a "Pray for me. Kurt's taking me to the hospital." 
Of course, I was restless from that point on.
School work? Yeah whatever.

Around 9:30 p.m., text updates from my mom begin to filter in.
"Grace is doing breathing exercises."
"Grace is now walking a little bit in the hallway with Kurt upon the doctor's instructions."
"...We have to go to the waiting room now." (which was the cue that the time was approaching)

It was around this time that I started to get really sad that I couldn't be there with my sister. Her life is changing forever, and I'm here at school. Eating peanut butter and writing articles about the housing industry. I guess that's life sometimes.

The night went on, and my focus was officially wounded. It hasn't fully recovered since then.

I attempted to get to bed around 1:30 a.m. Thursday morning (to no avail). Prayers for my sister and the baby were all that were going through my mind... and for Kurt too. I mean, I can't imagine how traumatizing this must be for a husband... I don't really want to know right now.
Due to my restlessness, I decided I would scroll through my non-phone iPhone (I'll explain this to you sometime) and see if the social media world could distract me.
What happened next will probably go down in the history books of our family.
Here is the exact Facebook message from my cousin Simon (who is also away at college):
Simon: "GRACE HAD THE BABY!?!?!"
Me: "She's in labor right now!!"
Simon: "DETAILS."
Me: *details*
Simon: "I wonder if she's going crazy right now...."
Simon: "Get on skype! Let's share our excitement!"
Me: "hahah no I should be sleeping."
Simon: "SKYPE ME.
HOW OFTEN CAN WE SKYPE WHILE GRACE IS IN LABOR?
YOLO."

Yes. He said "YOLO."

So I gave in. And I'm so thankful I did.
Now Simon and I can tell little Kyle that though we could not see him in his first few hours of life, we did in fact have a 2 a.m. Skype conversation about his entrance into the world.
I also have the quotes saved to prove our subtle involvement in this situation....

Simon: "What's his name going to be?"
Me: "Kyle Alden ....."
Simon: "Kyle Alden ..... ? That's the whitest name I've ever heard."
Disclaimer: Simon is half German.

Me: BABYY! BABBBBBYYY!!!
Simon: "You're not even having the baby. Grace is, and you're crazier than she is."

Me: *typing really quickly to document all of Simon's hilarious quotes*
Simon: “All I can hear is you typing. It’s like you're giving birth through the keyboard.”

Me: *whispering into the webcam* “THE BABY IS COMING”

Simon: “Well now I’m going to have nightmares."

Simon: "What do you think the baby’s favorite food will be? Something white people like.. like cabbage or carrots or something gross."

Simon: “He’s born on my mom’s birthday!!! …. They should name him Stephanie. It's only fair.”

Me: "I'm glad we're Skyping during this so we can commiserate together about not being there."
Simon: “Well yeah.. how often does Grace give birth? What.. like maybe.. one more time?”

Simon: "It's going to be a gigantic baby... did you see how big Grace was?! He's going to come out like 30 years old and be like... *deep voice* 'Hey, mom.'"

Me: "Yeah... like 'Hey, mom. I have a beard.'"

Simon: "Instead of being one of those babies with a full head of hair, it's going to be one with a full beard."

Simon and me randomly in unison: "THE BABIES ARE COMING! THE BABIES ARE COMING!"
Disclaimer: this was unplanned
*Explanation: our own rendition of "the British are coming!" ... in case you couldn't figure that out 

Simon: *deep in thought* ".....What if baby Kyle grows up to be the next Michael Buble?"

....Such were the 2 a.m. conversations of Simon and I on the day of my nephew's birth.
Sleep finally happened.
Baby Kyle was born at 5:01 a.m.

A picture my dad sent me of the little one. His first day of life.

Happy emerging into the world, Kyle! I am glad that you don't actually have a full beard.

You have been born into an extremely strange (but incredibly awesome) family!
YOU ARE SO LOVED. You don't even know.
So, little nephew, I will meet you in exactly one week. Be prepared for an unlimited amount of love and affection. You also probably will get blogged about a lot. Sorry in advance.

Love, 

Your Auntie =)

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.

Every year, Thanksgiving seems to get more bittersweet then ever. Every year it seems that numbers  dwindle at our family gatherings, and the family time just seems less... existent. I love my family so much and we will always be close, but this thing we call "growing up" seemed to happen quicker than I thought. The little ones are in high school, the young ones are in college and the rest are married with children. Such is life, I suppose, but adjusting to the seasons of life will always be a challenge for me.

Maybe it's because I'm in more of an in-between season, whereas most everyone else in my family has already reached a new stage. My stage is more of a... purgatory, of sorts.
I've been spending a lot of time with my sister this week as I'm home for Thanksgiving break, and it's been awesome. It hit me today, however, that this holiday season will be the last holiday that I can just have alone time with my sister. When I come home for Spring Break in March, my sister's baby will be born. I am so incredibly thrilled for this boy to enter the world (and I couldn't be more ready to love this child to bits), but I am also realizing what this will entail. Life will change. My sister is part of a new family now, which is hard to grasp.

One thing that's difficult about this purgatorial season is that while my sister and the majority of my cousins have a new family, I'm still part of the old family. Every single one of my cousins, minus two (and I have a lot, so this is not a large amount) and the ones younger than me, are engaged or married. The family has all moved on, but I'm still here.
I know, I know. "It's all part of the cycle of life."
And I know. I'm only 20 (hence the limbo-land of change in my life).
It's a wonder that no one really seems to struggle with progressing through this cycle, but I can assure you that I do.

If Anne Shirley were not a fictional character, I would feel extremely comforted by her similar perspectives. "Why do people have to grow up and marry, change?" To which of course Gilbert Blythe responds obnoxiously, "Oh, you'd change. If someone ever admitted that they were head over heels for you, you'd be swept off your feet in a moment." Sorry Gilbert, but at this moment in my life, I'd have to side with Anne on this one: "I would not, and I defy anyone who would make me change."
Yeah, ok. So maybe they end up together in the end, and they both move on and grow up, too, but until then, I'm going to go with the "Why do we have to grow up and marry and change," sentiment.

Well, since it's Thanksgiving, I should probably throw into this cynicism a little bit of thankfulness.
I'm thankful that I have had a childhood worth missing.
I'm thankful that I have a family worth being sad to grow up from.
I'm thankful that I've been blessed enough that change is painful because the stage I'm in is so wonderful.
I'm thankful that this hurts, because it means that it's love.

As the wise Jon Foreman once said, "If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love," and I couldn't agree more.
This pain in change, this hurt in necessary development? It's love. It's growth. It's beauty.
If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.

So, that's my nostalgic Thanksgiving post.

Sorry for the sappiness of it all, but I'm writer and if a writer can't be sappy and slightly melancholy sometimes, then the world has gone askew.