He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

To Overthrow the "Entitlement" Mentality

See all those successful people who you admire and envy? Those individuals who have accomplished their dreams and contributed to society? Most aren't extra special nor do they have an incomprehensible IQ. Most just tried until they accomplished something. Failure did not stop them and neither did people's discouraging remarks.

Probably one of my largest pet peeves is when people hate on the wealthy or successful, screaming at them to "give me some of that."Though I'm sure some have inherited the money, it was earned none-the-less. I'm obviously not talking about bootleggers or illegal money-making scheme, but as far as the honest money-maker, it takes work.

Whenever I walk around Boston or any city in general, I wonder to myself who the owners are of all of the successful businesses.
How did they begin? 
How did they excel? 
What does it take to accomplish something hard?
Work. Time. Dedication.
For the most part, nothing came to the developers easy, whoever they may be.
They sweat. They stressed. They endured. They probably failed many times.

It seems to me that my generation of Americans has lost their sense of pride in working and have fallen into a mindset of entitlement.
"I deserve this because....
I'm an American.
I'm a woman.
I'm a minority.
I'm a teenager.
I'm a cat (haha just kidding.. but really)...."
The list could go on and on.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but we don't deserve anything. We never have.
We all have dreams. We all have passions. We all have talents.
But alone, these things cannot be cultivated without work.
Hard, honest work.
I think about all of the different passions I have, all of the people who have helped train me to accomplish these passions and all of the different possibilities in them.
I don't know what I'm going to be or what difference I will make, but whatever it is,
I'm going to be it and make it well.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10

In this incredible country, we can pretty much choose to do anything. We can choose to be anything.
The sad truth is, many of us waste it.
The government just gives us things, we take it and it makes us lazy.
The hard-working, honest living is shriveling up into oblivion for many of my generation, and it breaks my heart.

"In all labor there is profit, But idle chatter leads only to poverty."
Proverbs 14:23

Don't just talk about it- DO IT. Get up, work and do what you were made to do.

Working was never a curse, even before the fall of man.
God worked (and He also rested). (Genesis 1 & 2)
God also created mankind to cultivate the earth we've been given, with whatever occupation.

²⁷ So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. ²⁸ Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:27-28

Work was created to glorify God and to minister to others (which also glorifies God).

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:32

I've been doing a study on Proverbs 31, which is specifically about what a virtuous woman looks like, but the concepts really are applicable to all human beings. She works with her hands willingly, she has integrity and ultimately she is looking out for the good of the people in her life (Proverbs 31:10-31). She is not lazy and because of her hard-work, her whole family benefits.

Hard work with the talents God has given us BREEDS success. Yes, this earth is not our permanent home, but God put us here, nonetheless, and He expects us to serve Him in all we do.

Things I Learned Today

1. The highway is not as scary of a place as it seems.
   Beyond the high speeds and the obnoxious tolls, the highway has a soft spot to it. A soft spot that involves cruising to tunes, feeling like a winner and enjoying the scenery (which is always quite wonderful in New England). Despite my former assumptions, not all drivers are out to get me, 70 mph is really not that terrifying and I will not end up in Canada. Five years later, I have conquered an irrational fear! Laugh if you want, but we both know that you have an equally irrational fear. It's ok, we'll get through it together.
   
   
2. I'm not quite as directionally dysfunctional as previously believed.
   I didn't get lost today on the way to my internship... and I drove for almost an hour all alone! For those of you who know me, this is a big deal. I mean, I am still lower on the "I know how to get places" meter, but I learned today that I can read signs. When the GPS fell off the windshield and I was forced to just find my way via road signs, I made it. Well, I am positive that it was God giving me wisdom so I wouldn't, in fact, end up in Canada, but with God's help I CAN FIGURE IT OUT! I may be able to survive the transportation world after all.
   
   
3. I am learning things in school!
   Yay! The thousands of dollars that I have been spending (and my parent's have been spending) on an education haven't been a waste! For my internship, I will have to use the same audio program that I used during my practicum. Today, I realized how much I remembered. I wasn't as completely and utterly lost as I thought I would be! Hizzah for being able to keep up! Hip hip, hooray! I wonder how many other things I know and remember that I do not even realize? Thank you to the many professors who pour into us as students-- you are much appreciated. To be quite honest, I would be as clueless as it gets if it were not for the professor folks.
   
   
4. The LORD is faithful.
   Wait what? I didn't know that already? Well, I did... My faith just always seems to kind of burn down to a warm glow sometimes instead of the preferred blazing flame. That truth stinks, but it is the truth none-the-less. Despite my unbelief, God is GOOD, kind, merciful, and loving. He gives when I don't deserve, blesses when I don't believe and provides when I don't see it coming. I still have yet to find a job, but I trust that I will end up exactly where God wants me. Exactly where. I also know that, until He provides a job, I am, right now, exactly where He wants me to be. Exactly there. I am so thankful I have a God who I can trust, and I am thankful for the opportunities He has given me to serve Him, glorify Him and SHINE Him.
   
   
5. I'm in the right major.
   YES. Another indication that I have not wasted my (and my parent's) money. Even if I don't do exactly what it is I'm studying to do (that is, writing and journalism), it's helping me to get into different types of avenues and explore the gifts God has given me. I love what I'm learning, and it's been useful to so many unexpected aspects of my life.
   
   
6. I'm thankful for my school.
   I realized today that I complain an unnecessary amount about my school. So I don't agree with every little thing they do. So what? I am SO blessed to be there. The opportunities have been great. The lessons have been great. The education has been great. The professors have been great. The people I have been able to get to know are great. From my experiences and education at that school, I have learned and come to understand even MORE about how GREAT my God is. Also, I promise that I learned more words in journalism school than the word "great," but I also learned to only use big words when necessary, and "great" is the most fittingly simple word. I love that God has changed me through my time at school, and I love that He has been glorified through my experiences there.
   
   
7. My parent's are incredible.
   So supportive. So encouraging. So loving. I mean, my mom packed me a lunch on my first day today just to relieve my nerves and save me time-- if that's not love, I don't know what is. They are always showing me the love of God, and I couldn't be more overwhelmed by it. People have asked me, "Well, you grew up being taught about Jesus. How do you know you weren't just believing a lie your whole childhood?" I can tell you right now that my parent's HAVE LIVED the truth. They were my early glimpses of God's love. They were my brief explanations to hope and truth. For that, I am unbelievably grateful. They're not perfect, but they were perfect for me: they were the parents God provided me with. He knew I would be born to them, and He knew that I would need them to be the parents I had. My mind is sort of boggled now, so I'm going to move on to another point.
   
   
8. God is my strength.
   Again, something I already knew, but something I literally need to be reminded of EVERY day. Every action, every decision, every word-- everything-- can only be done by God's strength in me. Anything I do in my own attempts with result in a FAIL. Believe me, I've had many FAIL moments, and they're not fun. But I've also had many victorious moments when I gave up control to my Savior. The only reason I made it on the highway, did not get lost, followed what was going on today, understood the instructions, made it through the day in one piece and made it back home safely was that Jesus got me through. That's how. There's really no other method of success but to give up control to Jesus. So refreshing.

So, I'm going to go and end there. One, because I'm out of points, and two, because 8 is my favorite number. Funny how that works out.
Thankful to the LORD for another day that He was give the glory!

The Stuff of Summer

Despite the overcast, slightly chilly days, I love New England summers.
The thunderstorms are mild, but beautiful,
the rain is gloomy, but magnifies the greenery,
and the light breeze forces me to hold on tighter to the ones I love.

It's good to be home.

Home has a way of relaxing me, even when I'm stressed. I know that I am loved where I am, and that's all I really need to know. That I am loved. From that point on, I can face the rest of this world. That's probably why, in general, I am not really a stressed out person.
I know that, no matter what people's opinions of me, I am loved by the Creator of the world. That's definitely a mind-boggling relief.
I am thankful for the people he's placed in my life here at my official earthly home because through them, I see Him. Their love, to me, represents God's love, because I know that they love because He loves. Home reminds me of that.

So far, this summer has involved getting to know and love my nephew, catching up with cousins, seeing old friends who I grew up with, trying new things, sticking to old things and getting some work done.

I just love my nephew a lot. Everything about him. How is it possible to have so much love inside of me for this little human being who can't talk and who I barely know? I don't know how, but it's happened. Needless to say, that little one has my heart.
I've come to understand what God wants of me in certain areas of my life but only in glimpses. I sort of know what He wants, but I don't know when or how that's going to happen. Or maybe (probably) I don't actually understand, and I just think I do.
...And people think the Christian life is boring. Ha.

In other news, I sort of threw the majority of my reading list out the window and developed a whole new one.
Didn't read the Great Gatsby before I saw the movie, but may in fact read it anyway.
The movie reminded me of why I loved the book in the first place... depth, beautiful language, depiction of historical pains.
I picked up "To Kill a Mockingbird" off of my shelf tonight. It's been there for years, and I still have yet to read it. I'm sort of glad I didn't read it when I was young because I believe that now I can really appreciate it. So I begin that, along with two books that I have to read for RA for next year.
"Gospel Centered Discipleship" by Jonathan K. Dodson and
"Lady in Waiting" by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones.
I started Dodson's book and so far so good. We'll see.
I'm really excited to start on "Lady in Waiting," especially since I started my new blog, Embrace the Single. I'm praying that it gives me more to think about and to contribute.
I am, however, still reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray," but it's sort of turned into my "when I'm stuck somewhere, bored and just need to read" book since it's on my iPod.
Sometimes you just need one of those books.

I'm finally getting to watch some movies that I've been wanting to watch but haven't had time for during the semester, one of which was "One Day," a 2011 picture starring Anne Hathway and Jim Sturgess. This movie genuinely took my breath away (of course, not including inappropriate scenes and so on) .. it was creative, made my heart happy and sad all at the same time and attached me to the characters. Definitely a worth while film.

I painted on Wednesday and realized how completely unrealistic my mind is- or so depicts my art. Disorganized, colorful, flowery and... swirly. Those are the contents of my brain.
Confusing. Unfocused. Passionate. Hopelessly romantic.
I don't even understand my mind.
Does everyone think in different shapes? If that's the case, I'm pretty sure the shape I think in is swirls. Is that a shape?
This reminds me of a quote from a song by the Vespers:

"People come in circles and squares
Some are hearts but they're quite rare."
-Eyes Wide Open

I love that quote. It's such a truth of life. It's like the hearts in life are the kindred spirits.
That's how I paint.. with that in mind. That there are hearts out there somewhere, despite their rarity.
I don't paint well, but somehow there is still a method to the madness.

On a different note, despite every single place I've applied to either telling me they won't hire for the summer or not getting back to me at all (even though I harrass them frequently), God has still provided me a method of work this week (and exercise).
House cleaning. Nothing crazy, but something.
And a something that helps me build my muscle index as well.
I can't complain.
Honestly, cleaning is extremely relaxing for me (unless it's my own room.. then it makes me want to procrastinate). It was enjoyable for me in general, and it was exciting that I was doing something and working hard. I've loved the opportunities of relaxation, but I really do love to work and earn.

 In my time in the Word, I have been reading Judges and I just love everything about the book (even though I have been struggling to read it daily, especially with its heavy topics). The repetitiveness of Israel's sin can sort of be disheartening at times, reminding me of my perpetual disobedience to God as a human being, but at the same time, it reminds me of God's mercy and constant forgiveness of the people of Israel.
From the book of Judges, I learn who I want to be like, who I don't want to be like, how I want to live my life and how I don't want to live my life.
I see more about the character of my God, what He expects of those who follow Him and how He interacts. Most importantly, I see my need for Him.
The Bible has a trivial way of somehow relaying that same message, despite the actual topic.

I start my internship on Wednesday, and it would probably be an understatement to say that I'm terrified. Terrified to mess up, terrified to forget what I've learned, terrified to let people down, terrified to not display Jesus to people. In addition, I'm terrified to get lost. Really though, I am the most directionally dysfunctional human being (probably on this planet), and I can't get lost. I really need to figure out where this place is...

So that's what's been happening.
Summer. Life. Love. Bliss. Home.

The Day that I Was Scammed

Scams. They're sort of like scabs, but more gross.

Today I went to an interview for what seemed to be a legitimate job. To some, maybe it is a legitimate job. Hey, maybe I'm the loser for even going to the interview. Thankfully, every moment is a teachable moment. What did the moment teach me? Sales people are GOOD at what they do. Very good. I also learned that Sales is not my calling and never will be (no matter how convincing I can be).

I should have sensed this was a little sketchy by the letter I got telling me to call them for more information, but sometimes your hopefulness clouds your intuition. So, off I went to the headquarters with the sketchy letter (how did they get my address?.. I still have yet to know..) in hand, ready to tackle whatever job God was bringing my way. As I walked into the office, everything seemed pretty normal..
they had normal employees (I think?),
there were chairs and a table (must be a real office, right?)
and most people were dressed professionally.
 I went in for the first part of the interview which was with this guy (maybe a manager? maybe not?) and another interviewee. He asked us some questions and then sent us on to the "second interview" which was to be a group interview. We sat, pretty awkwardly, might I add, and time was passing slowly. And by slow, I mean turtle slow. The manager (?) came back into the room with those of us who were naive enough to remain for the remainder of the interview.

Then he talked.
And he talked.
And then he asked us questions we didn't know.
And then we answered.. to which he usually responded with "No. Actually..." and the proceeded to repeat what we had already said.  

Everything he said was vague, yet intriguing.
Simple, yet highly complicated.
Friendly, yet uncomfortable.
Nothing really was explained, nor was anything really confirmed.

After this 2 hour interview (yes... I sat there listening to this man drone on for 2 hours), the man handed us applications. One of the guys next to me then decided it was appropriate to crumple up the application, throw it on the ground and walk out angrily (that should have been my cue), to which the manager (?) responded, "Does anyone else feel the need to crumple up their application and leave?" ... At this point, the manager/salesman had us spun pretty tight in his web, pulling us closer to his fangs and plotting how we might be devoured. Just kidding. That's dramatic. Needless to say, we bought it. It seemed legitimate.. I mean, who wouldn't want to go into strangers houses to sell kitchen knives? So, we all eagerly filled out the application (why was I so eager? I'm telling you.. these guys are GOOD), scribbling down the best of the best suck-up information, waiting to be brought in for our one-on-one portion of the interview where we would be told whether or not we got the job.
Then I heard my name. It was my turn to go in.

"Obviously we cannot offer everyone this job," began the spider.. I mean.. man. He slowly read through my information, reeling me in closer into the center of the web.
"If I were to offer you this job, on a scale of 1-10, how excited would you be?" he asked me.
"Um.. an 8?" I ventured to say. And then I asked God to forgive me for lying.
"Why an 8?" he asked.
"Well.. I would be excited to receive a job, but I also would like to think about it."
At this point, he noticed I was starting to become a little wary of it all.
"Well," he continued quickly, "I can see from your information that you are a hard worker and would do a great job at this position. I would like to welcome you to the team! Training (which would be 3 days, 5 hours each day and unpaid, might I add) begins tomorrow!" He then shook my hand as I blurted out a quick "thank you" without really thinking about what just happened.

May I please point out that he did not tell me that they would "like to offer me a position" nor did he ask me "whether or not I would be pleased to accept the position." As I walked out of the office, up the stairs and back to the car, I just realized what had happened. I had spent two hours in an interview only to be conned into accepting a position at a company whose product was legitimate, but whose methods were slimy.

Needless to say, I am not going to the training, and I will not be selling knives in stranger's homes.
While it was quite a waste of my life, I did learn. After experiencing falling for a scam first-hand, I can tell you that my naivety level and trust for unknown employers went way down.

What a day. My first encounter with a con-artist. A day to remember.

A Blog About Retail

I work in retail while at home. It's Christmastime... we know what that means! Story time!
With much pain and suffering comes many worthy anecdotes. 
I feel as though retail at least deserves that. Anecdotes.

As I sit here, relaxing after my fourth day back after a year, I ponder my daily eight-hour-adventures in the layer of hostile individuals (customers). Being thrown on the floor by myself the first day in the mad rush of holiday cheer (is that what they're calling it these days?) means they must either really hate me or really trust me. Maybe both?

So.. maybe you wonder about the types of people I encounter during the holiday season?
Don't be fooled by the mass of people swarming through the mall- they are not all the same. In fact, there's a variety of categories that retail workers are able to place each individual customer in.
Let me enlighten you.

1. The hurried mother with the screaming baby
2. The cute old couple that don't hear very well, but just smile and nod at everything you say
3. The ones that don't speak English and just smile awkwardly and say "no" to everything
4. The obnoxious group of teenaged boys that flirt with any girl they come in contact with
5. The angry middle-aged woman who won't make eye contact with you
6. The friendly family who stands and makes small talk
7. The individual who begins the transaction with "The answer is NO TO EVERYTHING! How much do I owe you?"
8. The customer who swipes their card over and over before you are done scanning the items, and when you tell them that you must total up the transaction, they say "Oh." and proceed to swipe their card.
9. The customer who not only doesn't speak English, but also decides that they want to pay for 13 pairs of shoes in pennies and nickles alone. Yes, this happened to me.

That pretty much covers most of the different types of customers.

I must also mention the array of co-workers.. 
-Ones who don't know how to interact with customers.
-16-year-old boys who have the guts to flirt with their 20-year-old co-worker.
-That one manager who says things like "Why are you getting a break before me? You make like nothing." (I replied with, "Wow. You got some arrogance there don't ya?" .. that shut her up- a once in a lifetime occurrence. It was fantastic.)
-The teenaged girl who comes in late every day to work, chews their gum obnoxiously to the customers and says "I'm not cleaning that. I am too tired."
-The hilarious, awesome ones who make the day go by faster.
-The elderly, angry ones who yell at customers (also hilarious).
-The coworkers that don't speak English.. and therefore are impossible to get help from.
-And of course, last, but not least, the awesome manager that is actually encouraging and respectful.


I joke, but in reality, I've learned so much about life and interaction with people through this job. 
I've learned that most people just need a smile to melt whatever stresses are on their mind.
I've learned that I can't really be angry at someone if they're being a bit rude- I don't know their story.
I've learned that there will always be the power-hungry managers who feel the need to stomp on their employees to make themselves feel important.
I've learned that it's alright to make mistakes. It happens.
I've learned that one can make even the most unnecessary objects sound intriguing and useful.
I've learned that credit cards are horrible inventions.
I've learned that people need Jesus Christ. Big time.
I've learned that I may be the only Bible people may read. A good attitude is detrimental.
I've learned that using words like "detrimental" makes customers happy.
I've learned that retail is a world of its own. One must study out the world to live in it successfully.

 The life lessons go on, and I'm thankful for them. I'm thankful for the rushed, hostile environment- it brings out the worst and best in people, and sometimes that's what is needed to understand the world a little bit better.