He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Room

As I sit in my bedroom at home, its history haunts me, reminding me of who I've been and how God has changed me. I remember when I moved into this room-- eight years old and completely unaware of the utterly different, yet curiously similar girl that would sleep in the room thirteen years later.
The pictures on the wall have hung there for about nine years, some for longer and some shorter.
On the wall to the left of my closet hangs the wolf poster I designed in 6th grade (that was the class project that sparked my love for the crazy beasts) and a variety of other wolf pictures. To some, it may be an odd fascination, but I love wolves, nonetheless. Another glimpse of the nerdy-self.

The figures on my dresser have collected there over the years, my 1st grade softball trophy being the oldest member of the collection. On one side of my mirror hangs my kindergarten graduation tassel, and on the other side hangs my high school graduation cap.
The miniature piano music box given to me by my piano teacher of eight years sits on the dresser as well, and I remember the many frustrating, yet absolutely incredible years of piano lessons. I think of how my piano teacher didn't just teach me how to play an instrument but how to live a song. She always reminded me of why I should play and Who I should play for, and I haven't forgotten.

Each poster and picture on the wall has a memory and a background. In high school, I hung the 1 Peter 3:3-4 poster above my mirror to daily remind myself of the beauty that lasts in life. Pictures of my family all around my room, because I am blessed by them. Pictures of childhood friends scattered here and there, whether I'm still friends with those folks or not. Why I do keep the pictures? To remind me that friends come and go, but the LORD remains. Posters of childhood fandom and adulthood realizations, Bible verses that have especially made a difference in crucial points in my life and things with memories. I hung John 14:27 at the end of my bed during the times of consecutive nightmares, and it reminds me every night of the peace in Jesus Christ.

The bookshelf that holds many of my favorite classics and even more of my unread, literature goals. I haven't conquered the whole mini-library yet, but someday it will happen (although the books constantly seem to multiply). Books from my childhood sit up there-- the ones that sparked my love for story-telling.

The memory chest is a newer addition to my room, but one of my favorite parts of it. When we found it in the attic, I knew it would be in my life for a while. No matter how unexciting or unenchanting it's outward appearance may be, it's inward contents are priceless. Old journals, even older pictures, little artifacts that remind me of the people that have come and gone through my life, glimpses of myself from the past and dreams for myself in the future. Few secrets, but many stories.

Such a little room, yet so much history of my small life.

This summer, I plan to move to my sister's old room.
Maybe it's for the extra space. Maybe it's for the change. Maybe it's for both.
Maybe it's to remind myself that a room with a past does not define me.
It will be hard to say goodbye to this room, but it will always be my room.
No one knows it like I do.

It's time to move on.

21 and the Best Birthday Yet

So this may in fact have been the best birthday ever. That may be a really generous statement, but as far as my memory recalls, today trumps the rest.

After a slightly trying week, God blessed me with the most lovely, uplifting day, and on my birthday, mind you. What I kind God I serve =).

Last night I stayed up until midnight and rang in the 21st birthday with a reading of the January 16 (birthday) "Jesus Calling," devotional, along with the Proverb of the day (Proverbs 16) which was incredible, as usual. I then went to bed, hoping to sleep in, but ended up being wide awake at 6:30 a.m. which I considered a wake up call from Jesus. So, finally by 7 a.m. I decided to start my 21st birthday off the right way in prayer to my Savior. So I had a good time talking to Jesus =). Best person to start my birthday off with! I then read Ephesians 4 which is absolutely INCREDIBLE. And I need to reread it over and over. And so do you.

So, after my time with Jesus, I was able to talk to my beautiful parents and siblings, which was awesome as usual. They wished me a Happy Birthday and said sweet things, and they made me even more thankful for them than I already am.

I then got to enjoy a delicious blueberry pancake and fruit breakfast with my SLD, Loren, thanks to the mini rot's yummy food! Off we went to convocation where I got to sit with all of my lovely Dorm 2 ladies and see some friends from the brother dorm. Oh, I need not leave out that Towns graced us with his presence in convocation as well, which is always very interesting. It's almost like Jimmy Stewart was there for my birthday!

So after convo, enjoyed a lovely Developmental Psychology class with another birthday girl, Grace-Anna, and it was fantastic. After class, had lunch with one of my very close friends and former roommates, Carla, and she gave me the most elegant cameo broach. She knows me so well! Then on to my interesting "Announcing" class which involves us talking like television and radio professionals and is very humorous.

Once classes were over, I met up with two of my very good friends Heather and Andrew, and so our adventures began for the day. Off we went, to random places by random modes of transportation. Actually, just to North campus on a wet bus (it's been raining all week). Andrew shared a disgusting and disturbing story about an awkward couple he observed, but I will spare you from despair and not share the story. I literally gagged, so that was memorable.Wet buses are disgusting, by the way.
So, to North we went to retrieve packages (yay birthday gifts from my Mama!) and things and to enjoy some intense games of Ping Pong (which Heather cheated at numerous times. Just kidding. Kind of). After our tournaments, Heather and Andrew rushed me to dinner, which at the time I had no idea why. Little did I know, these sneaky folks had invited a few of my good friends to go to dinner to celebrate my birthday. So we went, and they distracted me with toys until everyone arrived.

The beverage of choice on my 21st birthday? Water with lemon, and proud of it.

After dinner with these lovely folks, I came back to the new hotel-dorm which has newly been occupied by my lovely residents. Boxes everywhere, wet randomness, chaos. You name it. So much entertainment! A few crazy occurrences on the hall... sicknesses, broken doors, missing drapes, moving shenanigans. Just all around adventure. 
 My hallmates then began singing "Happy Birthday" to me as I walked down the hall, gave me flowers, a card, a picture of the hall folks and a delicious turtle cake. Such sweet, kind-hearted people on my hall =). Thank you to my sweet roommate for working so hard to make today special, even though we didn't get to see each other very much!

The last hour of my birthday was spent with my lovely Developmental Psych friend (who shares my birthday), Grace-Anna. The turtle cake could not be eaten alone, so we had a little birthday party together in the lobby of our hotel-dorm, ate cake and drank Diet Coke.

What a day.
So incredibly thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life who show me so much love always.

Also, indescribably thankful to my Jesus for blessing me with such people and such a day to remember =).

Thanks everyone for your love and care for me! I didn't expect any of it, nor did I deserve it.
I'm blessed by you all <3.

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

Home is Wherever I'm With You

The high I get from coming home never really gets old. There's nothing really like it-- that feeling of anticipation as you travel home, eagerly awaiting the people who have seen you grow up, the town that has been the stage of your childhood and the houses that hold dear memories.

It's not that I dislike school or hate being away from home. Actually, I really like school (when it's not stressing me out), and traveling and trying new things is exciting for me. However, no matter where I go, who I meet or what new things I experience, I still resolve that there really is no place like home. Other than the U.S., I've been to (officially) five countries, and within the U.S. I've been to pretty much all of the East Coast states and 3-4 states in the midwest. I would say I've been to a variety of places in my short life (which I'm thankful for and LOVE), but the best lesson I learned from these trips is that home is wherever the people you love are. I honestly could live anywhere, in any country, in any climate, in any culture (for the most part), as long as my loved ones were with me. It's the people that make the place. I loved all those places I visited, but they were missing one thing- the PEOPLE who meant the most to me.

With that said, I absolutely love my friends at school, and they definitely had made my college experience incredible. When I'm home, I miss them so much. Honestly, they're my family away from my family. They make college another home.

I won't lie though- there's something special about the people who have known you as long as you've known yourself. Isn't that an interesting thought?
Now for the official mind-boggler:
God knew you and me before we knew ourselves.
Is your mind blown yet? If not, just wait.
He didn't just know us, He planned us.
That's right. PLANNED. As in, we have a purpose. We were created for a specific intent. We have worth. We were planned.

It's one thing for me to think about my parents knowing me since my first entrance into the world, but it's another thing to realize that God formed me before my mother even knew she was pregnant with me. Even before that, he knew that my parents would get married, and I would be the product of their union. Before that, he knew that my grandparents would have my parents. And it goes on and on and on.

God knew us before anyone did. He knew us before we knew ourselves. He knows us more than anyone still. He knows us more than we know ourselves.
He sees every inner thought, feeling, desire, wish and dream within us, whether pure or impure, and He still LOVES us.

That, my friends, is incredible.

All that to say, while it's amazing to be home with people who know and love me, it's even better to know that no matter where I am or who I'm with, God is always with me and knows me better than anyone. He never misunderstands me and never gives up on me.

So in a way, everywhere is home because God is with me no matter where I go.
GOD is home.
What a GOD I serve. So thankful.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros sing a song called "Home is Wherever I'm With You," which is a very valid and creative phrase. In their song, however they state that even Jesus Christ isn't home compared to their "loved one." When I first heard it, I sort of gasped in shock. You know, that self-righteous "Oh dear, I can't believe someone just said that out loud," gasp. After thinking about it though, I think that's often what I do. I love my family so much, and I love being home so much, that I idolize it in a way, even above my Savior Jesus Christ. I forget that GOD is home. JESUS CHRIST is my home. Unfortunately, Sharpe and the Zeros have yet to find that out, but there's still hope. The song is a beautiful one though and a favorite of mine, but I do hope that someday they do find Jesus (sorry for the Jesus jukeness of this all, but ya know... some things just relate).

Sometimes I ignore the part I disagree with and sing the song to Jesus.
Jesus, Home is wherever I'm with YOU (everywhere). <3

Princess Heather and the Swinging Suitor

Last night, my best friend Heather couldn't sleep, so I decided to tell her a bedtime story via Facebook chat.
Below is the result. Enjoy!

"Princess Heather and the Swinging Suitor."

Once upon a time (cause every story has to start with that if it's going to end well) there was a beautiful princess named Heather.

Now Heather liked lots of things like flowers and pumpkin munchkins and anything that did not contain dairy products.

She loved music and dancing, and when she was alone she loved PR.

So one day, Heather decided to gather up all of her favorite things and make a song about it.

She decided it would also be useful to sing the song to a multitude of children during a thunderstorm.. and then eventually use the drapes to make them clothing. ("Sound of Music" reference).

While this seemed illogical, Heather decided it was worth the joy that she would bring these children.. and maybe it would bring her a wonderful prince, because everyone knows that princesses all eventually marry a prince... they don't marry anyone less noble. Unless it was Hugh Jackman. Who is a Duke. ("Kate and Leopold" reference).

So anyway, off Heather went, drape-clothed children, favorite things and all...

into the woods they roamed. Dancing and singing and playing with gnomes, until a giant possum emerged from the depths of the darkness.

 The giant possum made its way towards Princess Heather and the children as they stood frozen in their tracks, frightened and confused.

"Why is there a giant possum in the woods!" yelled one child. 

"And why is it dark? It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon!" yelled another.

 "Hush children," said the princess. "The louder you are the more likely the possum will eat you. Also, it's always dark in the forest." ("Anne of Green Gables" reference)

The children all held each others mouths shut since we all know children can't be quiet ever.

So... the possum approached... it's long, fanciful fangs dripping blood and it's eyes seeking satisfaction (for the possum was hungry and trees and bark just aren't satisfying).

Just when the children thought that they would be the solution to this possum's discontentment, Princess Heather saw a light. It was the light bulb above her head. 

She had a plan.

"I shall do my bird call and it shall emerge the birds into the woods!" "You have a bird call?" asked one of the lads. "Not yet," she replied, "But Snow White does this all the time. I know it will work."

"Question," said one of the frightened girls. 

"Why aren't the birds already in the woods? Why do they have to emerge?"

"Stop asking questions," Princess Heather replied, very irritated at the children's ignorance. "You're all nonsensical. I made you clothing out of drapes-- don't you trust me!"

This silenced the children, for she was right. She had never let them down before, and if Princess Heather wanted to emerge the birds, she would emerge them, especially since Snow White was her support in this matter.

The bird call she made was like none other... almost like a shrieking of sorts.

No movement.

"Why didn't it work!?" yelled little Alfred. "Hush. No nonsense," she replied.

And again she shrieked.. er, I mean called.

What happened next was not exactly what Heather expected.

Though birds did not emerge, something else did. Thump, thump, thump. 

Heather couldn't believe her eyes.

Not one, but two bears plopped themselves merrily towards the possum.

"We're saved!!!" yelled the children.

The two bears took quite a while to destroy the possum, not because they were incapable, but only because they could not agree on which would get the head and which would get the bottom.

Once a compromise was finally reached, the bears soon devoured the possum leaving only its tale, because no one likes cartilage.

"HOORAY!" yelled the children. But Heather stood speechless.

She knew there was more to this situation than met the eye. Actually, it was quite evident to the eye, but at this moment everyone was blinded by the fact that the two larger bears just devoured their smaller enemy.

"Stop! There's a bigger problem here, children! Grab your drapes... these bears are still hungry."

This comment caused all of the children to shriek... bringing more bears. Goldilocks was relieved.

So, everyone was surrounded.

There was no hope.

But what's this? A gentleman swinging from trees? This confused Princess Heather, because normally gentlemen don't swing from trees, especially when they're wearing suit coats with tales.

The bears recklessly strained their necks to see what all the commotion was about above them, causing some of their heads to snap off of their bodies.

This resolved some of the bear-problem, but yet some of the smarter bears simply tilted their heads carefully and remained alive.

The gentleman swung and he swung.. and yet he swung more until he reached a high branch, unreachable to the ferocious beasts.

There were only four bears left at this point, leaving the suited man with a few more options than before.

Princess Heather knew she had to do something to divert the attention from the man, so... she did the first thing that came to her mind.

She danced.

She danced and she danced, the draperies swinging about merrily.

Then something magical happened:

Not only did the children begin to dance, but so did the bears.

Not only did the bears begin to dance, but so did the possum (and the possum was dead, so this was magical indeed).

Not only did the possum begin to dance, but so did the birds (who had refused to come because they don't respond to shrieking).

Not only did the birds begin to dance, but so did the trees and the rivers and the ants and even some of the skunks (who like to frighten women who stick their heads in their cages). (Youtube video, "Killer Karaoke" reference).

Princess Heather paused a moment in her dancing endeavors and watched the motions of the forest.

The entire forest had erupted into dance. Bears dancing with children and children dancing with skunks. The Creator would be pleased to see his creation as He intended it.

The gentleman looked from above, his suit coat swaying in the breeze, the sweat dripping from his dark brow and his eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

"This woman. She is ravishing."

As he peered from the trees, admiring her beauty and elegant dance, he decided he would marry her if it was the last thing he did.

But first, he must not miss out on this dance, because no gentleman misses a ball.

Arms spread majestically, he dove into the dancing forest and landed into a pile of leaves doing a jig as well.

It tickled a bit so he was forced to giggle but then he composed himself, because we all know that gentlemen don't giggle.

(except for Andrew)

The man quickly brought himself to his feet and pushed through the dancing crowd of forest friend, struggling to find the dancing queen, young and sweet only 17. But he was mistaken because she was 20.

Finally he reached her.. the woman of his dreams.. her light brown hair blowing in the wind and her big blue eyes sparkling with relief. "Miss! May I have this dance!"

She was astonished. She couldn't believe her ears. Who was this suited stranger who had come to rescue her? Why was he now seeking a dance? She shrugged. "Oh well," she thought, "He's charming and handsome, and I'm young, beautiful and can make clothing quite creatively."

So they danced.

And danced.

The bears still dancing, the children still dancing, the skunk still dancing... the forest dancing.

But all of this seemed to be nonexistent as the two shared their dance. All they saw was the trees, hanging like a canopy above their heads.

Amidst the dance, however, Princess Heather, the PR in her arising, remembered that once the dancing ended, so would their lives (for the bears were still hungry and their appetite would only increase due to intense dance).

"Stop," she whispered to the man. "We must take the children and leave. I am hungry, and if I am hungry the bears are hungry and if the bears are hungry we will no longer be hungry because we will no longer be."

The man was slightly lost, but decided that Heather was too beautiful to argue with. So he grabbed her hand along with all of the children's hands (I'm not sure how managed to hold all of their hands at once, but gentlemen find ways) and they sneaked out of the dancing gang, past the bears, through the woods and up to a mountain.

"Let's get married!" he shouted victoriously. "OK!" she yelled, staring into his dark, melancholy eyes.

"Wait! But what about the children?!"

She stopped abruptly.

"The children? Well they have drapes, isn't that enough?"

She was offended by this comment and he knew it, so he quickly came up with a solution.

"Let's send them to a convent and they can all become nuns!"

"But the majority of them are boys," she said logically.

"They can become monks then!"

This seemed reasonable to Princess Heather.

So off they sent the children, each to their convent and monastery.

And the gentleman, whose name is unknown to the public, and Princess Heather lived happily ever after as they skipped through the mountains singing joyous melodies about climbing mountains and yodeling peddlers.

The End. 

Stretching-->Obedience-->Rest

I haven't blogged in a while.. which is sad, but it's ok.
I've started a few blog posts and haven't finished them, but some of them are the type that accumulate with information over time (surprises ahead!)

It has been a crazy semester so far. And by crazy I mean insane. And by insane I mean psychopathic. And all of that is an understatement.
Just kidding, I bet other people in the world are going through more crazy, insane and psychopathic things, but everything always seems worse and weirder when it's you.

First of all, September is over! *faded cheering in the background*
I don't know why it is, but September never fails to be the worst month ever. Always and forever. It's like the month of September knows that when it comes around, it's time to bring out the worst emotions in Daisy possible. Thankfully, God sped up September a little bit this semester, so it didn't last as long as last year. That was a blessing.
However, despite my lack of appreciate for the month of September, God has taught me that I have SO much to be thankful for, whether I enjoy September or not. That is another post for another time (oh don't you worry.. it's coming). I find that September is my peak month for complaining, and I also find that this habit needs to change. Whether I like the month or not, God created it and I am still alive in the month, and He expects me to make the most of every day and be thankful.

God has been really stretching me lately- in ways I didn't see coming (of course) and never thought I'd experience at this age.
I'm learning that I am so THANKFUL for my friends here at college. Two of my best friends, Heather and Andrew, have definitely been large contributors of joy to my semester, and I do believe God has placed them in my life strategically at this time.
I'm learning that the way to overcome anger towards a person is often just to pray for them- it's nearly impossible to hold bitterness against someone when you're praying for them to the God of the universe. It sort of just... happens that way.
I'm learning that my classes are actually useful to my life and that there are professors who actually care about my well-being (which means the world).
I'm learning that rest is NECESSARY, and God grants it to those who obey Him and follow His will.
I'm learning that the way my day goes cannot be based on others moods (or else it constantly will be bad and roller-coaster like).
I'm learning that I'm not responsible for other people's attitudes or responses to my boundaries.
I'm learning that only God is constant and can sustain me.
I'm learning that God takes care of us, whether we think He will or not.
I'm learning that trusting God wholeheartedly with my entire life is one of the hardest things in the Christian life EVER.
Basically, in a nutshell, I'm learning that growing up is hard.

The other day I read a passage in Joshua 1 that really encouraged me....
Joshua 1:10-18
¹⁰ Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people, saying, ¹¹ “Pass through the camp and command the people, saying, ‘Prepare provisions for yourselves, for within three days you will cross over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land which the Lord your God is giving you to possess.’”
¹² And to the Reubenites, the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh Joshua spoke, saying, ¹³ “Remember the word which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, saying, ‘The Lord your God is giving you rest and is giving you this land.’ ¹⁴ Your wives, your little ones, and your livestock shall remain in the land which Moses gave you on this side of the Jordan. But you shall pass before your brethren armed, all your mighty men of valor, and help them, ¹⁵ until the Lord has given your brethren rest, as He gave you, and they also have taken possession of the land which the Lord your God is giving them. Then you shall return to the land of your possession and enjoy it, which Moses the Lord’s servant gave you on this side of the Jordan toward the sunrise.”
¹⁶ So they answered Joshua, saying, “All that you command us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go. ¹⁷ Just as we heeded Moses in all things, so we will heed you. Only the Lord your God be with you, as He was with Moses. ¹⁸ Whoever rebels against your command and does not heed your words, in all that you command him, shall be put to death. Only be strong and of good courage.”
  
The main thing that God is teaching me right now is that 
If we are obedient to God and follow His will, then He will give us REST. (vs 13-15). Joshua OBEYS and leads others to obey as well. (vs 16).

The little things are really the big things.

You know those moments that hit you when you realize how truly blessed you are? I've recently had one of those moments. It's easy to take people and opportunities for granted, but I am trying my hardest to thank God for the little things daily, because the little things really are the big things.

As I prepare for my trip, I realize how blessed I am to be able to go on this trip. I am truly thankful for those who God led to assist me with the funds for the trip without my even asking. I am so proud to say that God provided every single penny for the trip (as He always does)- whether through other people's assistance or through money He allowed me to save up (based on jobs He has provided for me). Nothing really ever is done in my own strength or by my own abilities, if I really break it down. It always points back to Jesus Christ. Jesus is always the protagonist of the story, and my life is just a subplot. Guess we'll see where this story goes throughout the rest of this month, huh?

I am so thankful for the parents who God has provided me with- ones who encourage me to serve Christ, whether the world tilts their head in confusion at my actions or not. They're always such godly supports and never discourage me from doing what God is calling me to do (even when the situations may seem dangerous or odd). They also tell me when certain decisions are necessarily not godly ones and when I need to pray more about a situation. I don't think I could successfully doing anything without their godly advice and encouragement. I'm thankful for parents who listen, who care and who love me for who I am. They may not always agree with me or think I am right, but they love me just the same and do what they can to help me grow. I'm thankful for parents who miss me. I know that sounds selfish, but it's nice to be missed. It's nice to be appreciated for who you are and what you bring to their lives.

I'm thankful for my friends. My sister, my cousins, my church friends and my college friends. 
My sister is the friend who will always be in my life, and for that I am thankful. We're very different in many ways, but we understand each other, too. Most of the time we think exactly the same way, which may be attributed to how we were raised, but I think in general we're just kindred spirits ;]. I am thankful for her and who she is, and I'm thankful for her generosity of love to me. She's a great example of a godly woman.
My cousins will also always be involved in my life, whether we stay active in each other lives in every stage of life or not. As many of the cousins get married, have babies, move away or go to college, it's often difficult to stay in touch constantly, but near or far, we are always friends. We know each other inside and out, which growing up together affects, and it's a great feeling to have people like that in your life as well.
My church friends are sort of like my cousins in that we grew up with each other. Many of us differ from each other, but we always find things in common, especially our common bond of being brothers and sisters in Christ. These are some of the most hilarious people I have ever met, and I enjoy their company so much! Thankful for some godly friends at home to keep me accountable and have some awesome laughs with.
My college friends hold a very special place in my heart. You know, I've never experienced such a wide variety of personalities till I went away to school, and I've really enjoyed it! Who knew I could find other people with similar interests in me, are my age, same sense of humor and who LOVE Jesus?! Didn't even see it coming, I can tell you that. My freshman year roommates, Carla and Kaytee, have become my sisters when I'm over at school and two of my closest friends. Two of my freshman year friends, Sarah and Ariel, have stayed close with me until now and have become two of my best friends as well. I've also made a variety of other awesome friends within my major, on my halls or at the church I attend while I am at school, and I love them all so much! I look forward to the new friends I will make junior year and the old friends I will grow closer to as well.

I am thankful to be able to go to a university, and a godly one at that. I know we always find things to disagree with at places like my school, but we often forget how incredible a place like that university is. Incredible. That's really the only way to describe it.

How blessed I am, and how thankful I should be.

Divinely Created to Impact

Oh, how intricate life is.

On these summer days I have a lot of time to think and remember.
I think about who I was, who I am and who I'm going to be,
and then I think about all the different people who have impacted me, even if only in the slightest way. I remember each person who made a difference in my life, whether for a year or a week.. or even a moment. Those situations that, had I not experienced them, my current perspective would be slightly altered. I guess you could call it a sort of "butterfly affect," minus all the superstition.

I think of what or who has influenced my likes and dislikes. How the books of my childhood pushed me to love literature and writing. How admiration of my sister encouraged me to pursue playing piano (and how my piano teacher's belief in me pushed me to thrive and really enjoy the instrument). How my parents' lives exemplified Christ for me to see tangibly. How my teachers either gave me favorable or unfavorable tastes of their said subjects.
I think of the friends who came and went out of my life, teaching me about myself, about other people and even about God. Of the friends who showed me what love looks like and of the friends who showed me what manipulation looks like. Of the friends who were there when I needed them, whether they would be in my life long-term or not. Of the friends who taught me how to be a friend.

Everyone makes a difference. No matter how insignificant you may feel in someone's life, you have impacted them in some way, whether in a positive or negative way.
And on top of it all, God knows you. God knows me. God knows where we've been and where we're going. And He knows why.

As I reminisce, I thank God for His hand in my life and the people He has put in it, making me who I am. I thank God for His constant involvement in my life, never leaving me to brave the pains of this life alone. Always with me to rejoice with me in the joys of life.
I thank Him for the ability to rest in Him and to trust that my life will happen just as it should. I will meet the people I will need to meet, and I will face the trials I need to face. I will make the memories and learn the lessons. I will take my place in this giant cycle of life, contributing to each person's memories and lessons. No one can take the place of YOU. No one can take the place of ME.

We are who God created us to be, intricately designed with care and meaning. We have purpose, no matter how minute the purpose may seem.

Be blessed today by the fact that you are divinely created to IMPACT.

Letting Go to Hold On

It's perfectly amazing how God answers prayer and in the most interesting methods possible, mind you.

Those of you who happen to have kept up with my previous blogs, this semester God has been teaching me how to view HIM as my best friend, rather than people, and to be satisfied in Him. He brought to the surface my habits of making people into idols and focusing so much on my relationships with people rather than with HIM.

To remove me from this difficult place, God chose to bring me closer to Him through loneliness. He stripped down layer after layer of comfortable relationships, leaving me with the feeling that I had no one (even if I did). I know now that I had to go through that dark place so that I could see Jesus Christ as my one Light in this world, releasing my grip on the people in my life so that I could hold onto Him with both hands.

That being said, God has faithfully brought me back to the place of reliance on Him and satisfaction in who He is. While I have so much room to grow, there has been movement out of my previous state, and I thank God for even the baby steps.

In this place I am in now, God has slowly brought people into my life, encouraging me spiritually and emotionally. Now that I am refocused on God and not on people, I am seeing more and more of God's love in people rather than just the people themselves. One of the hardest aspects for me to grasp regarding God is not being able to physically touch Him and have Him to hold me in His arms when I am feeling alone. I now see that the way we interact with God physically is through other believer's love when He shines through them in their lives.

I am so thankful for the people that God has placed in my life so that I may see God's love in flesh. God knows what I need based on who He's created me to be- my personality, my likes, my dislikes, my hopes and my dreams. Jesus Christ continues to bring people into my life on a daily basis. It has come to the point that every time I feel loneliness coming on, God places someone in my pathway (literally) and I have a friend for the specific moment that I need it.

It's incredible, and I am so thankful.
So each of you who is involved in my life right now, I hope you know that you are an instrument of God being used in my life, and I love you. I'm thankful for you.

God is good all the time. The hard times are so worth it.

God Bless,
Daisy Wolf

The array of happenings called life.

Well, I feel as though it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and I feel correctly.
I've begun about 4 or 5 blogs in the past week or so, but failed in actually writing something worth posting. So, what's been happening in my life lately.. let's see. 

Summer internship twenty minutes away from home, working with a magazine? Check.
Another possible internship for the summer after at a television station? Check.
God providing me with $75? Check. (No pun intended)
Reading the most incredible book by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love? Check.
Spending a week with the most incredible family ever? Check.
Christmas lights popping up all over campus? Check.
Two different sorts of roommate dates in one day? (previous and current). Check. 
An encouraging prayer group today? Check.
Crazy intense workout and growing muscles? Check.
Annihilating a paper until 2 a.m. and leaving in style, mulling through the rain in a light sweatshirt and sweatpants? Check.

Random thing that I love: getting mail from friends from back home and from my campers. That is love right there...
I also love hearing from my campers and their constant reminders at what an incredible summer we had together. I learned so much from all of the incredible people I worked with, staff and campers together.

Spiritual lesson of late: God's infinite love.
No matter how unloved I feel, I AM loved.. by the ultimate lover. The CREATOR of the universe. The MAKER of time.
It's amazing how many times I can learn about God's love and still stand in awe each time. In fact, the awestruck factor grows significantly during every moment that He shows me His love, which is frequent. What really boggles my mind is the fact that God's love is even greater for me than even my closest family members. I'm not sure why I feel so "out of love" when I'm not with my family. I think I forget how much Jesus Christ loves me.. and I fail to thank Him for it.
God has definitely been showing me how much I rely on the love of people. Well, people will fail me. God will not. People may not forgive me. Jesus Christ already has. People may not always be around. God is infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. 

Another topic: it's amazing how God works things out. Situations I thought would brew and stew and eat me alive somehow evaporated... but I know that "somehow" really is not a "somehow" at all. "Somehow" implies that it was a coincidence, when I know pretty confidently that there are no coincidences with God. One quote someone posted on facebook recently was, "Coincidences are just God choosing to remain anonymous." I like that.

God is good and that's all there is to it. He takes me as I am, cleanses me from pains I cannot cleanse myself from, and restores me into a new person daily. How absolutely refreshing it is to be renewed into who God shapes me to be, rather than shaping myself. We all know I have no artistic skills. (God created the universe.. so I think it's safe to say He's pretty artistic).

God bless, and goodnight!