He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing,  ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Me of Little Faith

Sometimes I don't write because there really isn't anything to say. Other times, I don't write because I have something to say but don't know if it's worth documenting- if I write, it means that I have to be vulnerable. Lately, the latter has been most applicable. Well, I think it's time to be vulnerable and document.

It is in that moment of doubt that you lose yourself. Doubting your purpose. Doubting your worth. It is when you take your eyes off of Jesus that you begin to sink to your watery grave. It's like I've been drowning in the salty water of decision making, gasping for the air that I hope will give me answers. But through it all, I've received no answers. No clarification. No miraculous sign from God to show me what I'm supposed to do with my life. Nothing. Just empty discouragement.

Yet, as I gazed longingly at the Savior, my eyes slowly descending beneath the water line, I realized what had happened. My faith had failed, and instead of keeping my eyes on the One who rules all, I looked at the size of the waves and the strength of the wind, and my focus on Jesus was shifted to my lack of strength. Who was I to walk on water? I wasn't anyone at all, and I didn't deserve to be defying any sort of laws of nature. I couldn't do it. I wasn't capable. Well, I was right. I wasn't capable. What I didn't and still don't always understand is that, that's the point. Jesus allowed Peter to sink for that brief moment because Peter pulled his eyes away from Jesus, even if just for a moment. That brief glance at the water represented Peter's reliance on himself. Peter was no longer trusting in Jesus for strength.

As I, metaphorically, walked on the water, I realized in just a moment that I didn't know where I would step next. I had no plan, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to complete it. Well, Jesus hasn't called me to know where I am going on the water. He has just called me to walk, my eyes fixed on Him. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You will call me." -Hillsong United

I know God has called me to serve Him, whether I know the specifics or not. The question isn't where I'm going, but whether I'm willing to go or not. Though I fight discouragement, confusion and lack of direction, I know that there's more to this story than meets the eye. An easy life is not an option in life of a Jesus follower, and I must realize that if I'm not willing to serve God while not knowing His calling, I won't be willing to serve God while knowing His calling. Knowing isn't the issue. It's the step of faith that defines the follower. No wind, no wave, no lack of footing can prevent me from accomplishing God's purpose for my life. May I keep my eyes on Jesus, no matter the storm.

Matthew 14:22-32 

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way[a] from the land,[b] beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out,“Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

My life in a disney analogy

I feel like my entire life has been me struggling with God, telling Him I trust Him but not actually letting go of my desires. I don't think I've even really passed this point, and I wonder sometimes if I ever will. I pray that God will give me enough faith to take Him at His word and just go with His will or wait on Him when His will has yet to be revealed. Why is it so hard? The moment I give something up to God, I refuse to let go of something else.
It's like this crazy cycle of  Peter-syndrome: [[when Jesus called Peter to walk on the water, Peter did at first, until he saw the intensity of the waves. So maybe we've never actually physically attempted to walk on water, but in reality, God calls us to walk out on the waters of faith daily. Like Peter, I more than often sink as my eyes shift away from Jesus and towards the waves.]]

I don't normally like to compare my relationship with God to Disney movies, but what immediately comes to mind in this situation is the phrase, "Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?"

Ok, before I get a bunch of angry-mob-comments about me comparing Aladdin to God, I obviously do not think Aladdin is even on the same spectrum as God.
This is simply an analogy, so keep your Jesus jukes on the shelf for next time.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like Jasmin (not just because of our common Middle Eastern ethnicity.. but that's also a reason) (...also, I do not support her clothing choices.. sorry, I'm not about that).
It's like God is telling me to go on a magic carpet ride (ok, I can't help but laugh out loud while writing this... this analogy is ridiculous...), but I'm often hesitant and sometimes miss out on the wonders of His glory (I'm still laughing at the nerdiness that is this analogy...)
("Take you wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride... a whole newwww worlddddd...").
Disclaimer: let's also just ignore the fact that Aladdin lies a lot, and God NEVER lies or lets us down.. but that's not the point I'm trying to make.

Bet you won't be able to watch Aladdin without thinking about this now, right?
Mission accomplished.

Really though, if there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that when I give God complete control of my life and decisions, I never have regrets. I may not immediately be "happy" by the world's standards (such misconceptions of happiness), but I am never sitting in regret. Ever. The only time I ever have regrets or that "unsettled" feeling is when I am fighting God's will.

I don't want to live in the regret of lacking in faith, wondering what my life would be like if I just went out onto the magic carpet (haha) or walked out onto the water.
Lord, give me the faith to take risks in Your will and to wait, even if it means being uncomfortable.

Obey with What I Know

It seems to be my eternal prayer that God will show me how all of these mismatched pieces of my life will somehow fit together. It's like God has allowed so many beneficial life lessons and experiences to come into my life but none of them really relate to each other.

To be extremely honest, I've been discouraged lately-- not because I don't believe God is faithful or that He is incapable, but because I'm so impatient to see where this mess I call my life will go.
I'm so thankful for all of the people God has placed in my life in the past and in the present, but why can I not trust God with the people in my future? The Lord is so faithful, yet I still struggle to fully trust Him. I'm not sure why that is. If you can figure that out, please, feel free to enlighten me.

My major? Not sure what it's for.
My future job? No idea.
What am I going to do after college? That's a good question.

Despite my discouragement and, at times, bad attitude, God has been so beautiful in showing me how even seemingly insignificant roles (or lack of immediate direction) can impact the world for God's kingdom.

My SLD and I are going through the book of Philippians with our two prayer leaders. Last week, I was blessed to be able to study and teach on how the church at Philippi (to whom Paul is writing his letter in the book of Philippians) began.
If you read Acts 16, you can see even in this very short passage the people that God used in the starting of the church at Philippi (which gave us the beautiful book of Philippians).

Maybe I'm biased, but I absolutely love Lydia. There isn't much said about her except that she was a seller of purple fabrics, "worshiped God," that "the Lord opened her heart to heed the things spoken by Paul," that she was baptized, and that she opened her home to Paul and Luke (and whoever else was with them) for the sake of the gospel... and eventually allowed Paul and the other believers to meet at her home (vs.14-15;40).
I find this absolutely incredible.
First off, women in Bible times didn't really seem to have much part in the spiritual growth of community. However, women of the early church like Lydia play key roles that are often overlooked.
Lydia did what she knew how to do, worshiped God in what she did and made herself accessible to fulfill whatever the need.

The believers in Philippi needed a place to meet to encourage each other and worship God together? Not a problem. Lydia was there to offer up her home and use what the Lord had given her.
I love this quote from 365 Life Lessons from Bible People: 

"Lydia's response to the gospel was personal, profound and practical. She opened her own life to Jesus. She then led her entire household to committing themselves to Christ in baptism. Then she insisted on having the missionaries make her house their base of operation. To the extent that Lydia understood God, she obeyed.
She displayed a willing heart."

I really just love that quote.

Lydia may not have known that God would use her hospitality to be the "base of operation" for the missionaries at Philippi. 

She may not have known that through the growth of the Philippian church would come Paul's letter to the Philippians. 

She didn't know that the book of Philippians would be inspired by God and placed in God's fulfilled and completed Word, the Bible. 

She also had no idea that millions upon millions of people would read it, learn from it and grow in their relationship with God from it.

That, my friends, shows the power of obedience despite "lack of direction."

And THAT is what I need. To obey "to the extent that I understand God." 

In other words, I need to obey God with what I know. 

I need to do what I know how to do, worship God in what I'm doing and make myself accessible to fulfill any needs that may surround me.
That is what I need to do. 

"To the extent that Lydia understood God, she obeyed."

True faith.

Dreams, Desires and Doubt

While some desires are fleshly desires, I do believe that some desires are God-given and with godly motivation. Such godly desires, I believe, are essential to pursue.

Often we ignore or stifle dreams and desires because we're scared of them. We're afraid they're not "God's will," and we're terrified by the amount of hard work (and trials) the dreams will take to accomplish. If God is giving you a passion and dream to do His work in some form or another, chances are, it IS God's will.
Maybe that's a little bit bold to say, but I do believe that.
I always ask God, "But how do I know it's Your will?"
I find that usually after praying about and seeking godly counsel, if it is still weighing on my heart so heavily, it is probably worth pursuing as God's will.

I really do not believe that God's will is some deep, mysterious calling that we will magically be enlightened by. Maybe it is for some people, but for the everyday Christian, God's will is an everyday call to action. Living in God's will is seeking to glorify Him in whatever talents, abilities and passions He has given us. After all, such talents, abilities and passions are given to us by God and are meant to be used for His glory and to share His Word with the world.

If you have a desire and it is a godly one, ask.
Ask for wisdom. Ask for completion. Ask.
Ask who? Ask GOD.
Ask how? Ask in FAITH.

Matthew 7:7-9

⁷ Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

James 1:5-7

⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Don't doubt that God can do whatever it is you're seeking Him to guide you in. If you ask God, but don't believe He can do it or will do it, why WOULD He do it?
No, God is not a genie in a bottle to give us whatever we want, but He does give us the privilege of talking to Him and sharing with Him our deepest desires and cares. Maybe things won't happen how you picture them or imagine them, but either way, it will be a good thing. God loves us more than we love ourselves (and we all know, that's a lot).

Jesus Christ does not disappoint, and He does not abandon.
He fulfills, He makes whole, He provides and He loves.

Reliable Joy

Happiness is so fleeting. One day, life is good and all is well in the world, and the next it feels like the sky is collapsing into a deep abyss. Emotions and feelings.. so unreliable. So uncontrollable.

So where do we find comfort? Where do we find stability?

There may not be a lasting happiness, but there is a lasting joy.
Happiness may be fragile and comfort may be vaporous, but the joy in Jesus Christ is eternal.
Those "moments" you love and never want to end pass into memories.

Jesus Christ does not change. His love does not change. It does not leave. It does not get bored.
God's love is reliable because HE is His love, and HE does not change.

Don't be discouraged if life seems to be in a valley, and remember that there is always a consistency in your life if you have Jesus Christ. What hope we have in Christ. What eternal love we have. Never unloved. Never alone.

2013: Day One

2013: Day One

Dear Self,

I decided it would be interesting to write a letter to myself to begin the new year.

Although I will not keep up letter entries to myself throughout the entire year, (because, who am I kidding?) I am currently writing to myself as if it's a normal occurrence.Why, you ask? Because it's a new year, and I don't need a reason. I post this letter to myself on my own public blog so that I can be held accountable, because everyone knows everything feels more official when you post it on the internet.

So self, when you go into 2013, there are a few factors that you must never forget.

1. Never let people become more important than God. God calls us to love people, but He calls us to love HIM first. Don't let people become an idol, and don't let service become a distraction.
2. It's okay to be bad at things. You are not superwoman, you are not all-powerful, you cannot be in multiple places at once and you are not made to be perfect, because, Self, you are not God. I know that sounds over the top and you may never actually think you are God, but when you act as if it's your duty to be the most fantastic multitasker in the world, that is attempting to elevate yourself to the level of God. So don't. Trust God and let Him be in control... it's a lot less stressful and a lot more productive.
3. Don't ignore the people in your life. Ever. They may not always be there. When you take people for granted, you skip essential parts of your life, wasting time and memories. Why waste any moment when life is like a vapor?
4. Remember the things that might hurt to remember. They help you not to backtrack to places you once were and never need to be again. It might not always be pleasant to remember those embarrassing, painful memories, especially the ones involving receiving consequences from sin, but in the long run, you will be better for it.
5. "God is not a secret to be kept." This quote by Newsboys/TobyMac captures quite beautifully the essence of your purpose. You are here to share the gospel, reach people, love people and show them Christ. Don't waste any opportunities, and don't miss any possibilities.
6. Just because you're single doesn't mean you're a loser. Ok, the fact that I'm telling myself this may seem a bit loser-ish, and maybe it is, but honestly, the truth is that being single is just another stage in life. "Being in a relationship" does not suddenly fulfill you or give you worth, because your only worth is in Christ. Take advantage of your singleness- go places you've never been, meet people you've never known, invest your time into people who need it, embrace spending time with your family every day, try new things, form new hobbies, get jobs you love, serve God in all of it.
7. Any life worth living is going to be hard. Don't take the easy route. Don't just do what's comfortable. Do hard things. Take risks, but plan accordingly. Show initiative, don't be lazy and don't miss out on good memories and wonderful people.
8. Trust God to provide. Don't spend your life worrying about finances, especially when God has blatantly called you to something and opened doors. If God has opened one door, chances are the doors will just keep opening. Work hard, but always trust God.
9. When you feel like you're stuck and no one understands, just keep going. Prayer and God's Word is ALL that will comfort you, so keep persevering and the hovering will soon come to an end.
10. Remember that you are here to LOVE GOD and LOVE PEOPLE. Don't get hung up on yourself. Life isn't about you. It's about Jesus Christ. God is who you are here to glorify. People are who you need to reach and what you need to be passionate about. Life alone is empty. Love people. Invest in them. Show them Christ.

So, Self, remember these things. When you feel like life in 2013 is crazy, out of control and unbearable, remember that this happens during every year. Hard times are inevitable, so just get through them. People are difficult. You are difficult. They will fail you. You will fail them. They will sin. You will sin. Push through. Trust God. Love God. Love people.

Cling to Jesus in everything.

Love,
Me

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

And now for a short message to all the teens in the house...

So I've been thinking about the teenaged years. "Why would you relive such horrid times?" you may be wondering. Well, you know, even though high school was not my most treasured time in life, I must admit that I had some incredible experiences in high school. And by incredible, I mean, horrible to go through but extremely life-changing and necessary.

So, as I ponder the not-so-distant years of being a teen, I just remember how HARD it is to be one. We give high-schoolers WAY less credit than they deserve.

Seriously though.

Middle school/ High school = Finding out who you are + people telling you who to be + you trying to be who they want you to be + horrible math classes + very little freedom + thinking about the future and eventual adulthood + dramatic peers + crazy emotions and hormones + discovering how intense your emotions can be + figuring out how to balance your emotions with logic + not quite being an adult but becoming one.

I mean, COME ON. Not even Bill Gates wants to solve that equation.

My heart goes out to middle-schoolers and high-schoolers. So much vulnerability, so much willingness to be molded, but so many voices calling out to them, telling them what to be.

Well, to all my friends in this age range, you are respected, admired and felt with. The years may never seem to end, and it may seem you never will make it out alive but hey- I'm still breathing.

I've only been out of high school for 3 years and out of teenhood for 2, but those years weighed so heavy, that leaving them behind meant REALLY leaving them behind and never looking back. But, once you're out, you're out. And you feel like a superhero because you made it through years of dramatic, emotional individuals who spur on crazy drama and emotions out of you that you didn't know existed.
(Spoiler: They always existed. Everyone else seems to be the problem, but you want the reality? You're the problem. We all are. Sin is. This feeling is never really something anyone actually grows out of. Everything is always "someone else's problem.")

Anyway, don't ever let older people make you feel like your life is easy, because it's not. Every stage of life is messy, and the teenaged years happen to be the messy part of life in which you don't actually know who you are (which makes it all the more confusing). You truly are a superhero. Keep pushing through!

Ask God for wisdom, trust Him always, love Him more than anything or anyone, and never look to a human being to satisfy you. Seek guidance from those who are willing to help you, especially ones who have been where you've been before, but stay away from advice that will turn you away from Jesus. He is your priority, and the only way to make it through the brutality of teenhood is through His GRACE.

That is all =).

If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.

Every year, Thanksgiving seems to get more bittersweet then ever. Every year it seems that numbers  dwindle at our family gatherings, and the family time just seems less... existent. I love my family so much and we will always be close, but this thing we call "growing up" seemed to happen quicker than I thought. The little ones are in high school, the young ones are in college and the rest are married with children. Such is life, I suppose, but adjusting to the seasons of life will always be a challenge for me.

Maybe it's because I'm in more of an in-between season, whereas most everyone else in my family has already reached a new stage. My stage is more of a... purgatory, of sorts.
I've been spending a lot of time with my sister this week as I'm home for Thanksgiving break, and it's been awesome. It hit me today, however, that this holiday season will be the last holiday that I can just have alone time with my sister. When I come home for Spring Break in March, my sister's baby will be born. I am so incredibly thrilled for this boy to enter the world (and I couldn't be more ready to love this child to bits), but I am also realizing what this will entail. Life will change. My sister is part of a new family now, which is hard to grasp.

One thing that's difficult about this purgatorial season is that while my sister and the majority of my cousins have a new family, I'm still part of the old family. Every single one of my cousins, minus two (and I have a lot, so this is not a large amount) and the ones younger than me, are engaged or married. The family has all moved on, but I'm still here.
I know, I know. "It's all part of the cycle of life."
And I know. I'm only 20 (hence the limbo-land of change in my life).
It's a wonder that no one really seems to struggle with progressing through this cycle, but I can assure you that I do.

If Anne Shirley were not a fictional character, I would feel extremely comforted by her similar perspectives. "Why do people have to grow up and marry, change?" To which of course Gilbert Blythe responds obnoxiously, "Oh, you'd change. If someone ever admitted that they were head over heels for you, you'd be swept off your feet in a moment." Sorry Gilbert, but at this moment in my life, I'd have to side with Anne on this one: "I would not, and I defy anyone who would make me change."
Yeah, ok. So maybe they end up together in the end, and they both move on and grow up, too, but until then, I'm going to go with the "Why do we have to grow up and marry and change," sentiment.

Well, since it's Thanksgiving, I should probably throw into this cynicism a little bit of thankfulness.
I'm thankful that I have had a childhood worth missing.
I'm thankful that I have a family worth being sad to grow up from.
I'm thankful that I've been blessed enough that change is painful because the stage I'm in is so wonderful.
I'm thankful that this hurts, because it means that it's love.

As the wise Jon Foreman once said, "If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love," and I couldn't agree more.
This pain in change, this hurt in necessary development? It's love. It's growth. It's beauty.
If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.

So, that's my nostalgic Thanksgiving post.

Sorry for the sappiness of it all, but I'm writer and if a writer can't be sappy and slightly melancholy sometimes, then the world has gone askew.

The King who can't be Dethroned

So, maybe I've missed the "obligatory political blog post" boat during these election times, but I feel as though maybe the after-thoughts may be more interesting, and well, just more thought out in general. During the election, my emotions are usually all over the place and everyone tends to be high on politics. I guess this is part of what I want to write about.

I'm not going to be shy, and I'm not going to lie. I was extremely disappointed with the outcome of the election and failed to have a good attitude. This is a personal blog, so I'm going to go ahead and openly say that President Obama being in office for another four years makes me shutter. And wonder what freedom will look like when I'm 24.

When the election results came out, a fog of depression emerged upon my extremely conservative university, except for the occasional Obama fan who would decide that throwing Obama flyers was a great idea. (To slightly digress on that- if you want to help me maintain a good attitude, then please do not do this. I will in fact snap and yell things like "SAVE THE BABIES!" and then walk away angrily. This is a true story). Walking back to the dorm room after hearing that was like walking out of a funeral home and into a memorial service. The tensions on my hall were high, and I decided that there was no possible way that we could have a good attitude and show respect without intense prayer. So, I made a "prayer circle" call onto the hall and some obviously unhappy girls emerged from their room, ready and willing to pray for the country and our president. As I prayed out loud, it occurred to me that it was not in fact the end of the world. It may not be good news for our country, but it is not the end of the world (yet).

Although my attitude still suffered and I had to fight bitterness, I believe God used this whole thing in my life a lot. I learned a lot about people and about myself, and I re-realized how omnipotent and sovereign God really is.

Now, before I go on, let me just say that I think it is extremely important to respect authority, and since President Obama has been placed in authority over our country, I will respect him.
However, the moment he tells me to do or think something that opposes God's Word, I choose Jesus over him any day. But anyway...

The main verses that popped into my head right after President Obama was announced to be the winner of the election was Romans 1. Now I'm not saying Mitt Romney would have been some sort of redeemer, but any candidate who supports the genocide of the unborn proves himself to be lacking in the "following God" department. So anyway...

Romans 1:18-25

¹⁸ For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness,¹⁹because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. ²⁰For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, ²¹ because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. ²² Professing to be wise, they became fools, ²³ and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things. ²⁴Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, ²⁵ who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.

 ...I can't help but relate this verse perfectly to our country and our world.
Immorality and corruption is overtaking our country, but here's the thing-- the people have CHOSEN it. When people want to sit in their own filth and manure, God allows them. Maybe that's heartless, but I believe it's the truth.

God won't force anyone to love Him. 
He won't force anyone to care about what He says.
However, God gives people the worst punishment they could imagine when they choose to live in sin-- what they want. You don't want a God to tell you what to do? Prepare for chaos. Prepare for complete and utter chaos. The world without God's presence is a very scare place, my friends.
Sorry if that's morbid, but this really did come to mind at all of these occurrences. I was surprised that our country re-chose a man who stands for all things contrary to the Bible, truth and morality, but then again, I wasn't surprised at all. This is the world we live in and this is the choice that they've made.

As for me, I choose to follow the ONE true God. No human being can give me the hope that Jesus Christ has given me. Now to only spread this hope and truth to the rest of the world *another post for another time*....

Anyway, I guess to conclude all of these thoughts I'm just going to say that whoever our president is- Jesus Christ is LORD. Whatever the people choose- God's Word is the final authority. Whatever chaos breaks out in this lost world- there is peace in Jesus Christ.
Life will go on, and Jesus will always be in control.
Jesus Christ will always be King.
Nothing will ever change that.
Not the republicans. Not the democrats. Not Romney. Not Obama. Not any individual. Not any policy. Not any "change."

Hurricanes

There were no classes on Monday (due to Sandy) and you know what that means! Campus-wide refusal to do homework! Favorite part of classes being cancelled? Well, that classes are cancelled.. but also the uproar that emerges onto a hall at 11:30 p.m. when the girls realize there are no classes the next day. It hit "Christmas morning" on the excitement-radar Sunday night. Interesting times.

I've written so little in my blog this semester. I'm so ashamed. Sorry to the people who read this, if you're out there. This is not intentional, I assure you. I blame college.

In other news, my dorm is being torn down. Maybe this surprises you readers, but it shouldn't (and it shouldn't surprise me either.. even though I was in shock for a few days) because if God's sending rain for me to trust Him, why not send the hurricane (isn't that appropriate.. oh Sandy) for me to completely depend on Him? This is just another instance where I am required to trust God fully.
Last year, my semester's theme was probably "Making God my first love" and "not allowing people to become an idol." If there's a theme for this semester, it's definitely been TRUSTING God with EVERYTHING- every little measly detail until, one day, the big detail hits, and I'm prepared to trust Him. So I would say this whole, "being kicked out of my home" thing is a low to medium occurrence that will happen in my life where I will need to trust God, and I'm sure that I'll have more dramatic situations in the future. I would rather not think about that now and just focus what He's put in front of me now, no matter how minor it all may seem in the big picture. "But where will we live?" we ask. "Don't know, don't care. How's that?" is the reply. Just kidding.. that's a quote from "The Emperor's New Groove," but ya know. It's a great reference. I couldn't help myself.


So basically. While this has been the most stressful, confusing and frustrating semester probably of my whole college career up until now, this has probably been the best semester of my life due to me being forced to trust God and the growth that has taken place in my life. Really though, trusting God truly does bring peace while bitterness just brings more hurt.


So yeah, that's my update!

Peace that Passes Understanding

It's amazing that sometimes in the most desperate, frustrating times, God is most present and rest most attainable. When we relent to God's plan, whether extremely uncomfortable or not, God blesses.

It's a rare occasion when I find myself letting myself go to God and trusting Him wholly, but when I do, it's incredible. The Bible is spot on when it names God's peace as one that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Oh, don't worry, I had my panic/shock moment last week, but honestly, the fact that I'm not in panic/shock right now and am at peace in Jesus is absolutely divine. There is no other explanation except GOD.

I shared a post a few weeks ago and mentioned Joshua 1's reference to being able to rest in God when we follow His will, and I still fully stand by that. To add to that thought from Joshua, Joshua 4 talks about the importance of passing on to the next generation the lessons God has taught us and the experiences that He has gotten us through.

In order to get through the difficult times in the present, it is essential to REMEMBER what God has gotten us through in the past. We have to remember.

Joshua 4:4-7
⁴ Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; ⁵ and Joshua said to them: “Cross over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, ⁶ that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ ⁷ Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”

It is crucial that we take action and leave physical reminders for ourselves and for those who come after us, burning into our beings the memories of past hardships and the phases God has taken us through in order to learn and to grow, remembering that it was (and is) HE who gave (and gives) us victory in this situation and brought (and brings) us into another stage.

Maybe that's why I like to journal so much (and always have). It's funny, awkward and extremely humiliating to see some of my past thoughts, writings and perspectives, but it also opens my eyes to what God has taught me and how He's grown me so far. It also gives me hope that He will continue to do so and reminds me that this is what's going on right.

This hard stuff? That's growth in the making.
These humiliating situations? That's the knee-dropping necessities.
The discomfort? That's the molding of my heart.

Jesus, I trust You.

Stretching-->Obedience-->Rest

I haven't blogged in a while.. which is sad, but it's ok.
I've started a few blog posts and haven't finished them, but some of them are the type that accumulate with information over time (surprises ahead!)

It has been a crazy semester so far. And by crazy I mean insane. And by insane I mean psychopathic. And all of that is an understatement.
Just kidding, I bet other people in the world are going through more crazy, insane and psychopathic things, but everything always seems worse and weirder when it's you.

First of all, September is over! *faded cheering in the background*
I don't know why it is, but September never fails to be the worst month ever. Always and forever. It's like the month of September knows that when it comes around, it's time to bring out the worst emotions in Daisy possible. Thankfully, God sped up September a little bit this semester, so it didn't last as long as last year. That was a blessing.
However, despite my lack of appreciate for the month of September, God has taught me that I have SO much to be thankful for, whether I enjoy September or not. That is another post for another time (oh don't you worry.. it's coming). I find that September is my peak month for complaining, and I also find that this habit needs to change. Whether I like the month or not, God created it and I am still alive in the month, and He expects me to make the most of every day and be thankful.

God has been really stretching me lately- in ways I didn't see coming (of course) and never thought I'd experience at this age.
I'm learning that I am so THANKFUL for my friends here at college. Two of my best friends, Heather and Andrew, have definitely been large contributors of joy to my semester, and I do believe God has placed them in my life strategically at this time.
I'm learning that the way to overcome anger towards a person is often just to pray for them- it's nearly impossible to hold bitterness against someone when you're praying for them to the God of the universe. It sort of just... happens that way.
I'm learning that my classes are actually useful to my life and that there are professors who actually care about my well-being (which means the world).
I'm learning that rest is NECESSARY, and God grants it to those who obey Him and follow His will.
I'm learning that the way my day goes cannot be based on others moods (or else it constantly will be bad and roller-coaster like).
I'm learning that I'm not responsible for other people's attitudes or responses to my boundaries.
I'm learning that only God is constant and can sustain me.
I'm learning that God takes care of us, whether we think He will or not.
I'm learning that trusting God wholeheartedly with my entire life is one of the hardest things in the Christian life EVER.
Basically, in a nutshell, I'm learning that growing up is hard.

The other day I read a passage in Joshua 1 that really encouraged me....
Joshua 1:10-18
¹⁰ Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people, saying, ¹¹ “Pass through the camp and command the people, saying, ‘Prepare provisions for yourselves, for within three days you will cross over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land which the Lord your God is giving you to possess.’”
¹² And to the Reubenites, the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh Joshua spoke, saying, ¹³ “Remember the word which Moses the servant of the Lord commanded you, saying, ‘The Lord your God is giving you rest and is giving you this land.’ ¹⁴ Your wives, your little ones, and your livestock shall remain in the land which Moses gave you on this side of the Jordan. But you shall pass before your brethren armed, all your mighty men of valor, and help them, ¹⁵ until the Lord has given your brethren rest, as He gave you, and they also have taken possession of the land which the Lord your God is giving them. Then you shall return to the land of your possession and enjoy it, which Moses the Lord’s servant gave you on this side of the Jordan toward the sunrise.”
¹⁶ So they answered Joshua, saying, “All that you command us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go. ¹⁷ Just as we heeded Moses in all things, so we will heed you. Only the Lord your God be with you, as He was with Moses. ¹⁸ Whoever rebels against your command and does not heed your words, in all that you command him, shall be put to death. Only be strong and of good courage.”
  
The main thing that God is teaching me right now is that 
If we are obedient to God and follow His will, then He will give us REST. (vs 13-15). Joshua OBEYS and leads others to obey as well. (vs 16).

Junior Year, You've Arrived with a Vengance

So, this is my first post in a while not focused upon the Lebanon trip. What an incredible month of my life, but it's good to be back in the states. If you read the Lebanon posts, you now know that I am experiencing the newness of RA this year. I just arrived last week and it's already crazy... and I know this is just the beginning. Once classes start... oh man.

So what's been happening so far now that I've moved back into school?
- Making the hall look pretty
- Making our room look homey so girls on the hall aren't scared of us
- Getting a ton of training crammed into a couple of days
- Moving in freshman (one of the most fun things ever!)
- Getting to know the girls that will be on our leadership team
- Getting to know my partner/ roommate better
- Getting to know the brother & sister dorm leadership
- Having one last hoorah with my partner and one of our Spiritual Life Directors .. dinner & shopping before we are locked on the hall until classes start.
- Being locked in our room (to be here to move students in) for about a week..
- A LOT of trusting God

That about sums it up.

At the moment, I have some down time, which is really nice. So why this blog post? To be quite honest, this post is mostly for my sister and my parents since finding a time to talk to them and tell them about everything has been ridiculous, but if you are interested in reading this, by all means, read away! =)

In general, I'm really excited about this position. This is definitely going to be one of those positions that I have to FULLY rely on God in every single decision or situation to give me wisdom, strength and, well.. just basic knowledge. There's a lot. I was a little bit overwhelmed with all of the logistics at first, but once we started meeting girls and moving freshman in, it calmed me down a lot and made me see how worth it this will be. God is just very good. I know this will be a major tester of my faith this year, but it will be good. God will definitely stretch me and growth is inevitable. I can't believe this is my official "I'm a junior" post though. It's definitely a new year with extremely new experiences, but that's good. I have mixed feelings regarding the major changes, but God has it under control. He just does. I know that even though I may feel as though I can't make it any longer, He will get me through it. He never puts us in situations that we can't handle, and I am comforted by that. So, now I can look back to this post when I'm totally freaking out and about to pull my hair out so that I can be reminded that God put me here, and He'll bring me through.

Lebanon Trip: Part 4

Week 4:

Sunday, July 29th, 2012

"Hearing hymns in Arabic is so beautiful. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and a couple of other books. At 6:30 p.m. was youth group, and after we all hung out at the jnanee again.Today we leave for the Mutamar. I'm excited, but I pray that God would bless it and make it one to remember (in a positive way). It's weird to think I leave in a week, but I think in a week that I'll be ready. I'm looking forward to seeing Baba and Mama, God willing. And Grace and Abe. And Simon, Marc and Matt. And Cass. And Kristen. And Catherine. And whoever else I can see before I go to school. I'm excited to see all my Liberty friends. It's going to be good. I look forward to seeing what God will do, teach me and use me for. I realize now how I am so at peace here- I'm in God's will and where God wants me. Jesus: "You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me. You are love, You are love, on display for all to see... I'm running to Your arms." I need to practice my listening skills.. in both Arabic and English. Dude, I'm going to be exhausted at school. I better sleep A LOT on the plane."

"Lord, I trust You with myself in all of my awkwardness. I was told the other day that I'm unique. I don't mind that. It's better than being boring and cookie cutter, I think. I pray that God will give me someone who fits me perfectly. I'm in the service right now, and I feel bad because I have been having issues paying attention in the service, but it hurts my head to try to understand this Arabic and to focus this much. I hope someday I can write a book."

"It's sad saying bye to difference people each day. It's really fun that Charlie got here though, because he's the only one I really know from back home. I love Teta! Wow. When the fan just came on, I subconsciously thanked God for "kahraba" (electricity). I've never done that before, but I should have. Thank you, God for a country that makes me thankful."

"So, after an incredible two hour drive through the mountains of Lebanon, we arrived. We unpacked, ate shepherd pie, then had the first message of the conference. This country is beautiful. God rocks... in every way. Lord, please bless this week and touch people's hearts.  Give me wisdom and confidence in all I do. You are good always, and I thank You for who You are.and how You love me. 'No one loves me like You. No one loves me the way You do.' (Jars of Clay). Nothing else matters. I look at the mountains here and hear the chorus of bugs, and I know that everything praises God. No one else is worthy but You. Always help me to have perspective. The right one. Keep my mind open and thinking."

Monday, July 30th, 2012

"This morning, after a sleepless night of chatty teenage girls and hungry insects, we woke up and ate breakfast. Now, an American missionary is preaching from Matthew 23:27-28. Heart vs. outward appearance. Is my heart pure? "How can I be happy in my daily life?" -Keep my identity in Christ and not in people (my family, friends and mentors). -Worship God in everything I do (even daily typical actions)
-Thank God in everything. -Read the Bible and pray faithfully and genuinely."

"Love is selfless, not selfish. Less of me, more of YOU, Jesus. Empty me."

"Focus. Focus on what? The world's lens focuses on material, but let my view be on that which is ETERNAL.
Focus. As the cross comes into view, all else blurs into the background. The world and it's distractions: blurred background.
As we miss the focus, we only see the BLUR.
What if, we saw the whole picture for what it truly was?
What if, through the blur, the focus was made clear?
What if, through the focus, the insignificance of the blur became evident?

Focus. What is my focus?
Am I captured by the miniscule, missing the meaningful?
Am I lost in the subplot, ignoring the ultimate journey?
FOCUS. Not on the scene, not on the act, but on the entire play.
Not on the assisting characters, not on the antagonist, but on the protagonist.

FOCUS. What is my focus?
The stage? The lights? The flare in the costume?
Is my focus on the lead character?
FOCUS. Remove the blur; see past the background.
Do we know the FOCUS?"

"Today has been good, but I'm a bit discouraged. I'm not sure why God wanted me here this week, but I suppose I'll find out. I guess I'll never know the big picture right now. Sometimes I just really embarrass myself.. usually when I try to rush God or do things on my own. I'm hitting a point where I'm ready to go home. Lord, You know best. Waiting stinks, but You know. You always do. 'While I'm waiting I will serve You, while I'm waiting I will worship.' Why am I here, Lord? Why have you caused me to stay longer?"

"Today, Manwella and I led a Bible verse treasure hunt around the camp for the kids, which I think I forgot to mention. Right now, we're in another Bible meeting and Matthew is translating for a British girl I met named Danielle and for me. He's talking about Jonah. I understand bits and pieces, but it's difficult. Matthew is a good translator though. Lord, show me if there's something you want me to do or something you want me to say. Help me not to be useless. My heart aches for those who don't care about Christ. How can people 'believe' this and not make it their life? Help me not to turn anyone off from the gospel because of being judgmental. Keep my eyes open to all people, and open my eyes to need and emptiness.Help me not to shut down, Lord, the moment I don't know how to respond. Give me wisdom and strength to withstand discouragement or obstacles (I spelled that very very wrong in my journal). I guess nothing is ever a waste of time as long as the aim is to serve You, so I am happy with wherever You have me, Lord. Help me to focus on lasting things and not to get dragged down by distractions. What are my distractions? What's holding me back?"

"I wonder if You brought me here to just be involved this summer or if this is for something long-term. Guess I'll find out someday. Even though my Arabic still stinks, I feel much more comfortable speaking than when I first came. The speaker just made a joke and no one laughed which made me laugh. Fail joke. Someone tells me a sad story, and I laugh accidentally. My life. Ahhhh it's just one big awkward moment. Jesus, I know you don't make mistakes, but man. You must have had a good laugh when you made me. Hahahaha.. your sense of humor is the best."

"I miss Baba. A lot a lot a lot. Lord, thanks for being my heavenly Father =). 'Cause you are everywhere and forever. Jesus, sometimes my heart hurts. It's so hard working for you as a woman. There's so many gender-based restrictions, but I'm a woman and I can't really change that. I can't lead in certain scenarios even when no one else does. I can't take charge even when the men are being total pansies. Lord, give me a man. Not a pansy. A man who loves You, serves You and leads. Raise up a David (minus the Bathsheba part). Raise up a Daniel or a Joshua. Raise up a Peter (minus the denying Christ...) or a Paul. Raise up a Joseph- someone with integrity, purpose and motivation. Someone like Baba."

"Tonight was good. After the service, me and the British girl Danielle talked for a bit, and she was really encouraging. She wants to do missions in the Middle East. We prayed together, and it was AWESOME. God knows just what my heart needs exactly when it needs it. After was a sahra (late-night hang-out), and there were games and stuff. We all were trying to calm the teenaged girls down from their fears of dab3 (hyena.. the '3' represents the sound of the throat 'ah' sound that is crazy to pronounce). They were freaking out, and then we heard howling. And that just iced the cake."

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

 "Exhaustion. I am SO tired. I woke up for breakfast late, but thankfully made it in time to eat something. My brain. I can't function right now. I'm so nervous about being an RA and having to take on other people's personal issues. Lord, give me strength. It's going to drain me emotionally, spiritually and physically.. so give me the stuff to pour into people, and put people in my life to minister to me, too. Be with the girls on the hall, and help me and Megan to be awesome RAs who leave an impression. Help us, as a leadership team, NOT to be: -cliquey -judgemental -snobby -closed off -lazy -unkind -unwise -self-righteous. Rather, help us TO be: -welcoming -loving -kind -open -intentional -wise -actually righteous -examples."

"This journal is getting close to the end.. there's still a good amount left, but I bet by the end of the trip this will be full. I am so excited to be home this weekend! Home church on Sunday! Weird. I love that we can go half-way across the world in less than 24 hours. Crazy! Thanks, Jesus =). Dude. There's going to be a mass amount of my high school people at college this year. Help me to have integrity in everything that I do. 'Empty my hands, fill up my mind, capture my heart with You.' That is my prayer. Tenth Avenue North knows where it's at. Preach it, bros!"

"What do I love? What is important to me? Where are my priorities? Why do I do what I do? Who am I? What do I allow to define me? Who do I allow to define me? Where am I going and how am I getting there? Am I thinking? Am I leading? Who am I following?"

"Today I talked to little Nicholas about how he is a leader and needs to be careful how he acts around the young ones around him. He understood. That boy has a lot of potential, but I hope he takes advantage of it. Man, I'm hitting a point where I'm starting to get sort of tired of people. My mind is exhausted."

Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

"We're back in the town now. I am really glad to be back here. I think I am really ready to go home. One of the teenage girls was being really unkind to another one of the teenaged girl, so I sat down and had a nice little chat with her in broken Arabic. I slept for about 2-3 hours when I got here, and then hung out with people in the jnanee. I miss my Liberty friends and my family so much."

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

"I'm trying to think of reasons why God may have wanted me to go to the Mutamar or if He didn't really have a reason. I was able to help with the children and build relationships with a lot of the teenaged church girls. The theme of the conference is "the Christian family model," which has also been an awesome topic to learn about. I'm not really sure why, and to be honest, I wish I was able to have left earlier, but I know that God knows why. Lord, help these last two days to be fruitful and useful. I guess I'm learning that the way You typically work is in small, subtle strides, affecting the long-term rather than immediate giant strides affecting the now. Lord, please use me, even in little strides, everywhere that I go. For good."

"I just had a really nice day. I went to the pastor's house for lunch and then went to his sister's house where I met the pastor's niece as well. She is the sweetest woman ever, and we got along great. She took me to Saida (Sidon) so that I could buy some souvenirs. It was really nice of her. One day left."

Friday, August 3rd, 2012

"Tomorrow I will be home, God willing. Yay home! What a great summer this has been. Saw pretty much all of my home friends, had lots of fun times with the college group, lots of awesomeness with my family, cousins and relatives, a lightning storm, Boston for the 3rd of July, Newburyport with Grace, the lake with Simon and Eric, Lebanon for a month, VBS... Very awesome stuff. Thanks, Lord, for life, health, safety, family, friends and fun. You are so good! Cheers to new opportunities! I look at the past and am thankful for the present, allowing me to look forward to the future. Life is one big ball of craziness."

"Today is my last service in this church. Going to miss it, but I'm ready. Although I would have loved to know my Gidoo, I'm so thankful to know my Baba. I'm proud of who He is and what He stands for. I'm also thankful for a mom who always raised me to read, know and love the Bible. Whether I cooperate or not, she is always a good teacher.  She is patient, kind, thorough and loves what she teaches. I am the definition of blessed. Godly parents, awesome family, terrific school, numerous opportunities, joyful friends and awkward/unique characteristics. Help me to be able to control my tongue, Jesus, and not to humiliate myself by just saying whatever is on my mind. Give me tact. That's the word I've been looking for all this time. Don't allow me to get prideful or arrogant, but instead humble and THANKFUL for what You've given me. Perspective. Oh, what You teach me daily. Difficult lessons, but useful, nonetheless. 20 hours of alone time (on the plane), here I come. Unless of course You place an "interruption" in my path. Lord, You know the desires of my heart. Take care of me, as You always do. I'm going to miss the people in this church; I'm glad to have gotten to know them."

Saturday, August 4th, 2012

"Traveling internationally alone. Well, I made it through customs, security and all that jazz, and now I have two hours of sitting in Gate 5. So last night (or today), I pulled an all-nighter and hung out with the "group" until about 3 a.m. Teta was not very happy since we had to leave at 5 a.m., but I don't know when I'll see these people again, so.. oops. We needed a last hoorah."