Week 4:
"Hearing hymns in Arabic is so beautiful. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and a couple of other books. At 6:30 p.m. was youth group, and after we all hung out at the jnanee again.Today we leave for the Mutamar. I'm excited, but I pray that God would bless it and make it one to remember (in a positive way). It's weird to think I leave in a week, but I think in a week that I'll be ready. I'm looking forward to seeing Baba and Mama, God willing. And Grace and Abe. And Simon, Marc and Matt. And Cass. And Kristen. And Catherine. And whoever else I can see before I go to school. I'm excited to see all my Liberty friends. It's going to be good. I look forward to seeing what God will do, teach me and use me for. I realize now how I am so at peace here- I'm in God's will and where God wants me. Jesus: "You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me. You are love, You are love, on display for all to see... I'm running to Your arms." I need to practice my listening skills.. in both Arabic and English. Dude, I'm going to be exhausted at school. I better sleep A LOT on the plane."
"Lord, I trust You with myself in all of my awkwardness. I was told the other day that I'm unique. I don't mind that. It's better than being boring and cookie cutter, I think. I pray that God will give me someone who fits me perfectly. I'm in the service right now, and I feel bad because I have been having issues paying attention in the service, but it hurts my head to try to understand this Arabic and to focus this much. I hope someday I can write a book."
"It's sad saying bye to difference people each day. It's really fun that Charlie got here though, because he's the only one I really know from back home. I love Teta! Wow. When the fan just came on, I subconsciously thanked God for "kahraba" (electricity). I've never done that before, but I should have. Thank you, God for a country that makes me thankful."
"So, after an incredible two hour drive through the mountains of Lebanon, we arrived. We unpacked, ate shepherd pie, then had the first message of the conference. This country is beautiful. God rocks... in every way. Lord, please bless this week and touch people's hearts. Give me wisdom and confidence in all I do. You are good always, and I thank You for who You are.and how You love me. 'No one loves me like You. No one loves me the way You do.' (Jars of Clay). Nothing else matters. I look at the mountains here and hear the chorus of bugs, and I know that everything praises God. No one else is worthy but You. Always help me to have perspective. The right one. Keep my mind open and thinking."
Monday, July 30th, 2012
"This morning, after a sleepless night of chatty teenage girls and hungry insects, we woke up and ate breakfast. Now, an American missionary is preaching from Matthew 23:27-28. Heart vs. outward appearance. Is my heart pure? "How can I be happy in my daily life?" -Keep my identity in Christ and not in people (my family, friends and mentors). -Worship God in everything I do (even daily typical actions)
-Thank God in everything. -Read the Bible and pray faithfully and genuinely."
"Love is selfless, not selfish. Less of me, more of YOU, Jesus. Empty me."
"Focus. Focus on what? The world's lens focuses on material, but let my view be on that which is ETERNAL.
Focus. As the cross comes into view, all else blurs into the background. The world and it's distractions: blurred background.
As we miss the focus, we only see the BLUR.
What if, we saw the whole picture for what it truly was?
What if, through the blur, the focus was made clear?
What if, through the focus, the insignificance of the blur became evident?
Focus. What is my focus?
Am I captured by the miniscule, missing the meaningful?
Am I lost in the subplot, ignoring the ultimate journey?
FOCUS. Not on the scene, not on the act, but on the entire play.
Not on the assisting characters, not on the antagonist, but on the protagonist.
FOCUS. What is my focus?
The stage? The lights? The flare in the costume?
Is my focus on the lead character?
FOCUS. Remove the blur; see past the background.
Do we know the FOCUS?"
"Today has been good, but I'm a bit discouraged. I'm not sure why God wanted me here this week, but I suppose I'll find out. I guess I'll never know the big picture right now. Sometimes I just really embarrass myself.. usually when I try to rush God or do things on my own. I'm hitting a point where I'm ready to go home. Lord, You know best. Waiting stinks, but You know. You always do. 'While I'm waiting I will serve You, while I'm waiting I will worship.' Why am I here, Lord? Why have you caused me to stay longer?"
"Today, Manwella and I led a Bible verse treasure hunt around the camp for the kids, which I think I forgot to mention. Right now, we're in another Bible meeting and Matthew is translating for a British girl I met named Danielle and for me. He's talking about Jonah. I understand bits and pieces, but it's difficult. Matthew is a good translator though. Lord, show me if there's something you want me to do or something you want me to say. Help me not to be useless. My heart aches for those who don't care about Christ. How can people 'believe' this and not make it their life? Help me not to turn anyone off from the gospel because of being judgmental. Keep my eyes open to all people, and open my eyes to need and emptiness.Help me not to shut down, Lord, the moment I don't know how to respond. Give me wisdom and strength to withstand discouragement or obstacles (I spelled that very very wrong in my journal). I guess nothing is ever a waste of time as long as the aim is to serve You, so I am happy with wherever You have me, Lord. Help me to focus on lasting things and not to get dragged down by distractions. What are my distractions? What's holding me back?"
"I wonder if You brought me here to just be involved this summer or if this is for something long-term. Guess I'll find out someday. Even though my Arabic still stinks, I feel much more comfortable speaking than when I first came. The speaker just made a joke and no one laughed which made me laugh. Fail joke. Someone tells me a sad story, and I laugh accidentally. My life. Ahhhh it's just one big awkward moment. Jesus, I know you don't make mistakes, but man. You must have had a good laugh when you made me. Hahahaha.. your sense of humor is the best."
"I miss Baba. A lot a lot a lot. Lord, thanks for being my heavenly Father =). 'Cause you are everywhere and forever. Jesus, sometimes my heart hurts. It's so hard working for you as a woman. There's so many gender-based restrictions, but I'm a woman and I can't really change that. I can't lead in certain scenarios even when no one else does. I can't take charge even when the men are being total pansies. Lord, give me a man. Not a pansy. A man who loves You, serves You and leads. Raise up a David (minus the Bathsheba part). Raise up a Daniel or a Joshua. Raise up a Peter (minus the denying Christ...) or a Paul. Raise up a Joseph- someone with integrity, purpose and motivation. Someone like Baba."
"Tonight was good. After the service, me and the British girl Danielle talked for a bit, and she was really encouraging. She wants to do missions in the Middle East. We prayed together, and it was AWESOME. God knows just what my heart needs exactly when it needs it. After was a sahra (late-night hang-out), and there were games and stuff. We all were trying to calm the teenaged girls down from their fears of dab3 (hyena.. the '3' represents the sound of the throat 'ah' sound that is crazy to pronounce). They were freaking out, and then we heard howling. And that just iced the cake."
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
"Exhaustion. I am SO tired. I woke up for breakfast late, but thankfully made it in time to eat something. My brain. I can't function right now. I'm so nervous about being an RA and having to take on other people's personal issues. Lord, give me strength. It's going to drain me emotionally, spiritually and physically.. so give me the stuff to pour into people, and put people in my life to minister to me, too. Be with the girls on the hall, and help me and Megan to be awesome RAs who leave an impression. Help us, as a leadership team, NOT to be: -cliquey -judgemental -snobby -closed off -lazy -unkind -unwise -self-righteous. Rather, help us TO be: -welcoming -loving -kind -open -intentional -wise -actually righteous -examples."
"This journal is getting close to the end.. there's still a good amount left, but I bet by the end of the trip this will be full. I am so excited to be home this weekend! Home church on Sunday! Weird. I love that we can go half-way across the world in less than 24 hours. Crazy! Thanks, Jesus =). Dude. There's going to be a mass amount of my high school people at college this year. Help me to have integrity in everything that I do. 'Empty my hands, fill up my mind, capture my heart with You.' That is my prayer. Tenth Avenue North knows where it's at. Preach it, bros!"
"What do I love? What is important to me? Where are my priorities? Why do I do what I do? Who am I? What do I allow to define me? Who do I allow to define me? Where am I going and how am I getting there? Am I thinking? Am I leading? Who am I following?"
"Today I talked to little Nicholas about how he is a leader and needs to be careful how he acts around the young ones around him. He understood. That boy has a lot of potential, but I hope he takes advantage of it. Man, I'm hitting a point where I'm starting to get sort of tired of people. My mind is exhausted."
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
"We're back in the town now. I am really glad to be back here. I think I am really ready to go home. One of the teenage girls was being really unkind to another one of the teenaged girl, so I sat down and had a nice little chat with her in broken Arabic. I slept for about 2-3 hours when I got here, and then hung out with people in the jnanee. I miss my Liberty friends and my family so much."
Thursday, August 2nd, 2012
"I'm trying to think of reasons why God may have wanted me to go to the Mutamar or if He didn't really have a reason. I was able to help with the children and build relationships with a lot of the teenaged church girls. The theme of the conference is "the Christian family model," which has also been an awesome topic to learn about. I'm not really sure why, and to be honest, I wish I was able to have left earlier, but I know that God knows why. Lord, help these last two days to be fruitful and useful. I guess I'm learning that the way You typically work is in small, subtle strides, affecting the long-term rather than immediate giant strides affecting the now. Lord, please use me, even in little strides, everywhere that I go. For good."
"I just had a really nice day. I went to the pastor's house for lunch and then went to his sister's house where I met the pastor's niece as well. She is the sweetest woman ever, and we got along great. She took me to Saida (Sidon) so that I could buy some souvenirs. It was really nice of her. One day left."
Friday, August 3rd, 2012
"Tomorrow I will be home, God willing. Yay home! What a great summer this has been. Saw pretty much all of my home friends, had lots of fun times with the college group, lots of awesomeness with my family, cousins and relatives, a lightning storm, Boston for the 3rd of July, Newburyport with Grace, the lake with Simon and Eric, Lebanon for a month, VBS... Very awesome stuff. Thanks, Lord, for life, health, safety, family, friends and fun. You are so good! Cheers to new opportunities! I look at the past and am thankful for the present, allowing me to look forward to the future. Life is one big ball of craziness."
"Today is my last service in this church. Going to miss it, but I'm ready. Although I would have loved to know my Gidoo, I'm so thankful to know my Baba. I'm proud of who He is and what He stands for. I'm also thankful for a mom who always raised me to read, know and love the Bible. Whether I cooperate or not, she is always a good teacher. She is patient, kind, thorough and loves what she teaches. I am the definition of blessed. Godly parents, awesome family, terrific school, numerous opportunities, joyful friends and awkward/unique characteristics. Help me to be able to control my tongue, Jesus, and not to humiliate myself by just saying whatever is on my mind. Give me tact. That's the word I've been looking for all this time. Don't allow me to get prideful or arrogant, but instead humble and THANKFUL for what You've given me. Perspective. Oh, what You teach me daily. Difficult lessons, but useful, nonetheless. 20 hours of alone time (on the plane), here I come. Unless of course You place an "interruption" in my path. Lord, You know the desires of my heart. Take care of me, as You always do. I'm going to miss the people in this church; I'm glad to have gotten to know them."
Saturday, August 4th, 2012
"Traveling internationally alone. Well, I made it through customs, security and all that jazz, and now I have two hours of sitting in Gate 5. So last night (or today), I pulled an all-nighter and hung out with the "group" until about 3 a.m. Teta was not very happy since we had to leave at 5 a.m., but I don't know when I'll see these people again, so.. oops. We needed a last hoorah."
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