To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).

Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

Summer Goals

I have a lot of goals this summer. 
Most of them involve continuing things I've always liked to do but don't have a lot of time to do at school (such as reading as many books as possible, playing the piano, exercising, etc.), but some involve things I haven't really had the chance to try (painting, getting into running, writing a book, interviewing people for my new single's blog).

And then there's the appendages to those goals. 
For example, with my piano playing, I don't want to just play piano, but I also want to really dig into music theory (dangerous, but possible) and learn how to play better by ear (I'm a hardcore sight reader).
Or, with reading, I don't want to just read, I want to analyze, soak in, and emerge myself.
With exercising... well, I want to actually exercise and not say that I will exercise.
With painting, I want to paint something I'm proud of and not give up after a bad painting.
With running, I want to be able to 5 miles like it's nothing (that may seem like nothing for you athletes out there, but for this girl, that's a pretty lofty goal).
With writing a book, I want to finish it. It doesn't have to be incredible, it just has to have an ending, unlike everything remotely book-like that I've begun. By "finish it," I mean at least know where it will go, whether it's actually finished by the end of the summer or not (I definitely doubt it will be done by then).
With the "Embrace the Single" blog, I really want to make the most of it and use it to minister to people. I want it to be a testimony of all of the single Christians that I can get in contact with who are willing to share a piece of themselves so that others may be encouraged. I don't exactly know where it will go, but I pray it will go somewhere useful.

In addition, I will be working as a Production Intern this summer at a local radio station.
I am so ridiculously excited, and I have already set some goals for myself in that internship.

1. Do the best that I know how to do so that be a good steward of the gifts God has provided me with.
2. Attempt to remember everything that I learned during my Radio Practicums..
3. Make friends in my area!
4. Share Jesus & show people God's love
5. Gain lots of experience and hopefully score a job through this internship! 

Other goals this summer?

• Go to local events and activities (be a part of the community)
• Spend lots of wonderful time with my family & nephew (BABY!!)
• Spend time with cousins!
• Be involved in my church.
• Dig into books of the Bible and meditate on them.
• Find a job.
• Spend time with my grandmothers <3
• Try to go play piano for those at the Assisted Living home in the town next door (I miss them!)
• Get rid of things I don't need.
• Make new friends =)
• Find people to minister to
• Try to cook more? (....we'll see...)
• Make the most of every moment!

I can't wait to see what the LORD does these next couple of months!

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

Unrequited Love

To be completely honest, the position of RA has quickly (and easily) sunk me into a place of loneliness. To constantly pour love and care into everyone else but not be loved and cared for in return can become extremely draining, especially when that is expected to be the norm for you. I think I understand now what it's like to be a mom.

I know I'm not a mom and don't truly know what it all consists of, but I have been thinking about how amazing mothers are- mine in particular. Just like the position I'm in now, mothers are expected to love and to give. As a child, I always just assumed my mother would cook meals for me, help me with whatever it is I needed help with at the exact moment I needed help, love me when I needed to be loved and listen to all of my problems. Even throughout my teenager years and early adulthood I've had this sort of mindset- until this week. It's a painful thing to be put under those expectations and yet not receive any of those same luxuries in return. Maybe this is overly sentimental, but I truly appreciate my mother now. Mom, thank you for loving me and taking care of me even when you were the one who needed to be loved and taken care of. You are genuinely a priceless jewel.
On a grander scale, I think I've been starting to hit the surface of understanding God's love for us. How hurt he must be when He unconditionally loves us and ultimately sacrificed everything so that we could be set free for something we didn't deserve and don't appreciate.

Salvation. So incredibly under-appreciated.

Jesus, thank you for loving me even when I don't live my life in a way that loves you. I can't even fully comprehend the love that Jesus Christ has for us, but I think He's teaching me the basics of His love. Unrequited love. One-sided sacrifice. Care that is given and not received.

So to actually get to my point...  
Jesus Christ did not love expecting something in return.
Jesus Christ came to love and save because He is GOOD.
Jesus Christ healed, but didn't expect anyone to dab his gruesome, bloody wounds after He was beaten and nailed to a cross.
Jesus Christ just LOVED. He just did, because that's who He is.
Jesus ministered to people because He felt compassion, not because He expected them to care when He was hanging on a tree for their sins and abandoned by all of his friends.
He knew how He would be treated in the end. He knew, and yet He still LOVED and CARED.

As believers, we are not called to love with expectations. We are just called to LOVE.
We are not called to care for others so that maybe in some alternative universe others would also care for us. We are just called to CARE. We're not called to expect, but to pour out. I am not responsible for the way anyone else loves (or lacks love), but I am, however, responsible to fulfill what Christ calls me to do.
Love won't always be reciprocated and care won't always be requited, but that's ok.
The only one who can truly fill us up is Jesus Christ, and that's thing- He always does. We are never in it alone. Ever. We never have to love out of our own strength, because HE is our strength. Without Him, we know no love.

Jesus Christ is our endless supply of love.

Lebanon Trip: Part 4

Week 4:

Sunday, July 29th, 2012

"Hearing hymns in Arabic is so beautiful. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time reading the Bible and a couple of other books. At 6:30 p.m. was youth group, and after we all hung out at the jnanee again.Today we leave for the Mutamar. I'm excited, but I pray that God would bless it and make it one to remember (in a positive way). It's weird to think I leave in a week, but I think in a week that I'll be ready. I'm looking forward to seeing Baba and Mama, God willing. And Grace and Abe. And Simon, Marc and Matt. And Cass. And Kristen. And Catherine. And whoever else I can see before I go to school. I'm excited to see all my Liberty friends. It's going to be good. I look forward to seeing what God will do, teach me and use me for. I realize now how I am so at peace here- I'm in God's will and where God wants me. Jesus: "You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me. You are love, You are love, on display for all to see... I'm running to Your arms." I need to practice my listening skills.. in both Arabic and English. Dude, I'm going to be exhausted at school. I better sleep A LOT on the plane."

"Lord, I trust You with myself in all of my awkwardness. I was told the other day that I'm unique. I don't mind that. It's better than being boring and cookie cutter, I think. I pray that God will give me someone who fits me perfectly. I'm in the service right now, and I feel bad because I have been having issues paying attention in the service, but it hurts my head to try to understand this Arabic and to focus this much. I hope someday I can write a book."

"It's sad saying bye to difference people each day. It's really fun that Charlie got here though, because he's the only one I really know from back home. I love Teta! Wow. When the fan just came on, I subconsciously thanked God for "kahraba" (electricity). I've never done that before, but I should have. Thank you, God for a country that makes me thankful."

"So, after an incredible two hour drive through the mountains of Lebanon, we arrived. We unpacked, ate shepherd pie, then had the first message of the conference. This country is beautiful. God rocks... in every way. Lord, please bless this week and touch people's hearts.  Give me wisdom and confidence in all I do. You are good always, and I thank You for who You are.and how You love me. 'No one loves me like You. No one loves me the way You do.' (Jars of Clay). Nothing else matters. I look at the mountains here and hear the chorus of bugs, and I know that everything praises God. No one else is worthy but You. Always help me to have perspective. The right one. Keep my mind open and thinking."

Monday, July 30th, 2012

"This morning, after a sleepless night of chatty teenage girls and hungry insects, we woke up and ate breakfast. Now, an American missionary is preaching from Matthew 23:27-28. Heart vs. outward appearance. Is my heart pure? "How can I be happy in my daily life?" -Keep my identity in Christ and not in people (my family, friends and mentors). -Worship God in everything I do (even daily typical actions)
-Thank God in everything. -Read the Bible and pray faithfully and genuinely."

"Love is selfless, not selfish. Less of me, more of YOU, Jesus. Empty me."

"Focus. Focus on what? The world's lens focuses on material, but let my view be on that which is ETERNAL.
Focus. As the cross comes into view, all else blurs into the background. The world and it's distractions: blurred background.
As we miss the focus, we only see the BLUR.
What if, we saw the whole picture for what it truly was?
What if, through the blur, the focus was made clear?
What if, through the focus, the insignificance of the blur became evident?

Focus. What is my focus?
Am I captured by the miniscule, missing the meaningful?
Am I lost in the subplot, ignoring the ultimate journey?
FOCUS. Not on the scene, not on the act, but on the entire play.
Not on the assisting characters, not on the antagonist, but on the protagonist.

FOCUS. What is my focus?
The stage? The lights? The flare in the costume?
Is my focus on the lead character?
FOCUS. Remove the blur; see past the background.
Do we know the FOCUS?"

"Today has been good, but I'm a bit discouraged. I'm not sure why God wanted me here this week, but I suppose I'll find out. I guess I'll never know the big picture right now. Sometimes I just really embarrass myself.. usually when I try to rush God or do things on my own. I'm hitting a point where I'm ready to go home. Lord, You know best. Waiting stinks, but You know. You always do. 'While I'm waiting I will serve You, while I'm waiting I will worship.' Why am I here, Lord? Why have you caused me to stay longer?"

"Today, Manwella and I led a Bible verse treasure hunt around the camp for the kids, which I think I forgot to mention. Right now, we're in another Bible meeting and Matthew is translating for a British girl I met named Danielle and for me. He's talking about Jonah. I understand bits and pieces, but it's difficult. Matthew is a good translator though. Lord, show me if there's something you want me to do or something you want me to say. Help me not to be useless. My heart aches for those who don't care about Christ. How can people 'believe' this and not make it their life? Help me not to turn anyone off from the gospel because of being judgmental. Keep my eyes open to all people, and open my eyes to need and emptiness.Help me not to shut down, Lord, the moment I don't know how to respond. Give me wisdom and strength to withstand discouragement or obstacles (I spelled that very very wrong in my journal). I guess nothing is ever a waste of time as long as the aim is to serve You, so I am happy with wherever You have me, Lord. Help me to focus on lasting things and not to get dragged down by distractions. What are my distractions? What's holding me back?"

"I wonder if You brought me here to just be involved this summer or if this is for something long-term. Guess I'll find out someday. Even though my Arabic still stinks, I feel much more comfortable speaking than when I first came. The speaker just made a joke and no one laughed which made me laugh. Fail joke. Someone tells me a sad story, and I laugh accidentally. My life. Ahhhh it's just one big awkward moment. Jesus, I know you don't make mistakes, but man. You must have had a good laugh when you made me. Hahahaha.. your sense of humor is the best."

"I miss Baba. A lot a lot a lot. Lord, thanks for being my heavenly Father =). 'Cause you are everywhere and forever. Jesus, sometimes my heart hurts. It's so hard working for you as a woman. There's so many gender-based restrictions, but I'm a woman and I can't really change that. I can't lead in certain scenarios even when no one else does. I can't take charge even when the men are being total pansies. Lord, give me a man. Not a pansy. A man who loves You, serves You and leads. Raise up a David (minus the Bathsheba part). Raise up a Daniel or a Joshua. Raise up a Peter (minus the denying Christ...) or a Paul. Raise up a Joseph- someone with integrity, purpose and motivation. Someone like Baba."

"Tonight was good. After the service, me and the British girl Danielle talked for a bit, and she was really encouraging. She wants to do missions in the Middle East. We prayed together, and it was AWESOME. God knows just what my heart needs exactly when it needs it. After was a sahra (late-night hang-out), and there were games and stuff. We all were trying to calm the teenaged girls down from their fears of dab3 (hyena.. the '3' represents the sound of the throat 'ah' sound that is crazy to pronounce). They were freaking out, and then we heard howling. And that just iced the cake."

Tuesday, July 31st, 2012

 "Exhaustion. I am SO tired. I woke up for breakfast late, but thankfully made it in time to eat something. My brain. I can't function right now. I'm so nervous about being an RA and having to take on other people's personal issues. Lord, give me strength. It's going to drain me emotionally, spiritually and physically.. so give me the stuff to pour into people, and put people in my life to minister to me, too. Be with the girls on the hall, and help me and Megan to be awesome RAs who leave an impression. Help us, as a leadership team, NOT to be: -cliquey -judgemental -snobby -closed off -lazy -unkind -unwise -self-righteous. Rather, help us TO be: -welcoming -loving -kind -open -intentional -wise -actually righteous -examples."

"This journal is getting close to the end.. there's still a good amount left, but I bet by the end of the trip this will be full. I am so excited to be home this weekend! Home church on Sunday! Weird. I love that we can go half-way across the world in less than 24 hours. Crazy! Thanks, Jesus =). Dude. There's going to be a mass amount of my high school people at college this year. Help me to have integrity in everything that I do. 'Empty my hands, fill up my mind, capture my heart with You.' That is my prayer. Tenth Avenue North knows where it's at. Preach it, bros!"

"What do I love? What is important to me? Where are my priorities? Why do I do what I do? Who am I? What do I allow to define me? Who do I allow to define me? Where am I going and how am I getting there? Am I thinking? Am I leading? Who am I following?"

"Today I talked to little Nicholas about how he is a leader and needs to be careful how he acts around the young ones around him. He understood. That boy has a lot of potential, but I hope he takes advantage of it. Man, I'm hitting a point where I'm starting to get sort of tired of people. My mind is exhausted."

Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

"We're back in the town now. I am really glad to be back here. I think I am really ready to go home. One of the teenage girls was being really unkind to another one of the teenaged girl, so I sat down and had a nice little chat with her in broken Arabic. I slept for about 2-3 hours when I got here, and then hung out with people in the jnanee. I miss my Liberty friends and my family so much."

Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

"I'm trying to think of reasons why God may have wanted me to go to the Mutamar or if He didn't really have a reason. I was able to help with the children and build relationships with a lot of the teenaged church girls. The theme of the conference is "the Christian family model," which has also been an awesome topic to learn about. I'm not really sure why, and to be honest, I wish I was able to have left earlier, but I know that God knows why. Lord, help these last two days to be fruitful and useful. I guess I'm learning that the way You typically work is in small, subtle strides, affecting the long-term rather than immediate giant strides affecting the now. Lord, please use me, even in little strides, everywhere that I go. For good."

"I just had a really nice day. I went to the pastor's house for lunch and then went to his sister's house where I met the pastor's niece as well. She is the sweetest woman ever, and we got along great. She took me to Saida (Sidon) so that I could buy some souvenirs. It was really nice of her. One day left."

Friday, August 3rd, 2012

"Tomorrow I will be home, God willing. Yay home! What a great summer this has been. Saw pretty much all of my home friends, had lots of fun times with the college group, lots of awesomeness with my family, cousins and relatives, a lightning storm, Boston for the 3rd of July, Newburyport with Grace, the lake with Simon and Eric, Lebanon for a month, VBS... Very awesome stuff. Thanks, Lord, for life, health, safety, family, friends and fun. You are so good! Cheers to new opportunities! I look at the past and am thankful for the present, allowing me to look forward to the future. Life is one big ball of craziness."

"Today is my last service in this church. Going to miss it, but I'm ready. Although I would have loved to know my Gidoo, I'm so thankful to know my Baba. I'm proud of who He is and what He stands for. I'm also thankful for a mom who always raised me to read, know and love the Bible. Whether I cooperate or not, she is always a good teacher.  She is patient, kind, thorough and loves what she teaches. I am the definition of blessed. Godly parents, awesome family, terrific school, numerous opportunities, joyful friends and awkward/unique characteristics. Help me to be able to control my tongue, Jesus, and not to humiliate myself by just saying whatever is on my mind. Give me tact. That's the word I've been looking for all this time. Don't allow me to get prideful or arrogant, but instead humble and THANKFUL for what You've given me. Perspective. Oh, what You teach me daily. Difficult lessons, but useful, nonetheless. 20 hours of alone time (on the plane), here I come. Unless of course You place an "interruption" in my path. Lord, You know the desires of my heart. Take care of me, as You always do. I'm going to miss the people in this church; I'm glad to have gotten to know them."

Saturday, August 4th, 2012

"Traveling internationally alone. Well, I made it through customs, security and all that jazz, and now I have two hours of sitting in Gate 5. So last night (or today), I pulled an all-nighter and hung out with the "group" until about 3 a.m. Teta was not very happy since we had to leave at 5 a.m., but I don't know when I'll see these people again, so.. oops. We needed a last hoorah."

Lebanon Trip- Part 3

Week Three:

Sunday, July 22nd, 2012

"Church was good today, but I have a hard time understanding sometimes. It's interesting to be in Saida during Ramadan. They fast from sun up to sun down, but from like 7 p.m. till around 4 a.m. they feast. Interesting. I sort of like the fact that it's so easy to creep on everyone here, but I also don't like it because that means everyone creeps on me, too. I wonder if the word "privacy" can be translated into the Arabic language? Somehow I doubt it." 

"I have a skype interview with the RD tonight at 9 p.m. and I'm sort of nervous. I wonder what type of questions she'll ask me. There's really no way to prepare, so let's just pray that God gives me wisdom."

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

 "Most people's trips here are drawing to an end, and mine is so tentative. I had the interview last night, but I'm not sure what's going to happen. There's a lot of waiting going on right now. Last night, after the interview we met everyone at the jnanee (as usual), and we talked, chilled and played this card game called 400. Then I slept over Maha's, and we watched "Despicable Me," (not to be mistaken by "Indespicable Me" .. *cough cough* Matthew *cough cough*). Today I went to the pool with Maha, Matthew and Roger and then everyone in the "group" happened to go, too, and it was awesome. Sirena, Bob, Patrick, Maria and a bunch of others. It was a ton of fun. We swam, played water basketball, talked, chilled, etc. It was like the whole town was there. Now, time to just chill. I hung out with Manwella a bit after, too. I am legitimately a little bit nervous to see what happens with the RA thing. I want it, but I also really want to go to the Mutamar (Bible Conference). I'm not sure what to do or what will happen. Dear Lord, help me to be the woman You want me to be and a woman that's worthy of a man who's worth it. Help me not to be moody or emotional, but stable-minded. I'm almost done this journal! Well, Antoinette (yes, I name my journals), it's been a fun six months, but our time here has concluded. I hope you've enjoyed my thoughts and prayers. I hope nothing I said will embarrass me in the future, but I guess either way, this is me. Right now. In this point in my life. 20 years old and so much to learn. Oh God, You are my God. In earnest will I seek YOU."

 Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

"So, I'm in Lebanon and I'm done my other journal. So this little purple journal will have to do. So, right now I'm waiting awkwardly to see what will happen for next semester at school- whether I'm going to have to leave early to be an RA or what. Taunt Farida said, "Wherever God plants us, we must learn to bloom somehow." I thought that was an awesome quote. So far, I would consider this to be a really fruitful trip. God has been working, but in a lot more subtle ways than I expected. I have been able to build a ton of relationships and talk about God and the gospel a ton. I have built friendships with girls from all over the U.S. & world and younger girls from the church. I have been able to be here for Teta and help her when I can. I am learning so much more Arabic, though it's still broken and embarrassing. I'm learning a lot about the people, the culture and the country."

"So, I just found out I got the RA position. Whatttt. Looks like I'm leaving early. And going to be an RA. Lord, I'm not sure what exactly it is that You are doing, but I'm cool with whatever it is. I'm amazed by You, Jesus. The song "White Flag" keeps going on in my head, and I don't think that's a coincidence. "I raise my white flag, I surrender all to You, all for You." However, I'm getting sad that I can't go to the Mutamar. As of now anyway. I'm ready to go, but this has been an awesome trip."

"Today, I spent some time with Manwella. Then I went with Maha to this guy Elie's house who is an atheist. Such interesting conversations with him. I got to talk to him about what I believe a lot. We mostly just argued, but it was interesting. It turns out his brother is an evangelical Christian. Lord, use his brother in his life. Open his heart. After that we hung out at Matthew's house for a bit. Then I came back home and stressed about my ticket change and all that, which is all up in the air. You know, I find that my refusals to drink alcohol, smoke, swear or dress immodestly have been some of the most interesting witnessing opportunities ever. =P. Sirena, Manwella and I got to watch the Christmas special of Downton Abbey and it was fantastic! At night, a huge group of us went to a restaurant in Saida, and it was a good time. I got to call Baba! Then the jnanee of course. I hope it's ok that I'm cutting my trip short, and that it's what God wants. I guess I will find out. Lord, show me Your ways."

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

"I've been thinking a lot about what RA is going to entail, and I realize I must prepare myself mentally for difficulties and immense responsibility. Loneliness will be a part of life I must grasp and accept, and standing alone will probably happen. I'm not sure exactly what will happen, but I guess it will be like being a camp counselor on a completely different level. I'm learning to just take each moment by faith and not always need a plan. Ultimately, it's not about my plan. I wonder if God's even ok with me missing the Mutamar.. or if He doesn't care either way."

"I love Moses. So much. I relate to him a lot. Even though I still stink at speaking Arabic, He's grown my Arabic a ton. Dear Lord, keep helping me become fluent in Arabic. Help me to be a light wherever I go. I feel as though my perspective on Lebanon and Lebanese culture has really developed and changed. I appreciate a lot more about the culture, and I dislike a lot more about the culture as well. I love the beauty of the mountains, but I hate the heat of the sun. When it all comes down to it, people are people. Life is life. Culture is culture. No matter where in the world, sinful people exist and abide. We're all wrong in our methods (according to one another). Lebanese scoff at American culture and American's scoff at the Middle East. Being a Lebanese-American, I find beauty and brokenness in both."

"As of now, there are no open tickets for tomorrow, Friday, Saturday Sunday and so on. Maybe God wants me to go to the Mutamar after all. Right now, I'm just waiting on God. Lord, work it out. I have no power in this situation, whatsoever."

"I'm in church right now and Pastor Pierre is speaking on the sower (Mark 4). I am trying to not worry about any uncertainties in life right now and just enjoy being here. I know that God has me right where He wants me at precisely the time He wants me there. I love being in this church because it reminds me of Baba and makes me feel like I'm getting to know Gidoo (grandpa) just a little bit. What an incredible man he must have been to have raised such an incredible son as Baba. I'm proud of my family and my heritage, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's kind of fun not knowing which country I'm going to be in within the next week. I have a pretty interesting life.. I'm not going to lie. I think Pastor Pierre is talking about planting cherries right now, but I'm not really sure. I'm usually a little lost when they speak in the more formal Arabic. Oh well. He's talking about babies now? I think. Oh, he's talking about growing in the faith past a child- moving on from "baby food," and the necessity of reading the Bible and spending time with believers. SO true. It's essential to survival. I feel like Christians often can relate to those endangered species on the discovery channel: we have to stick together to survive and people often stare at us, totally weirded-out by our unique characteristics and sort of intimidated by our originality from the rest of the animal kingdom. I even feel like I live in a zoo sometimes- everyone always watching and commenting, as if they know the ins and outs of our life."

"I'm not going to lie, my dad is the best man I have ever known in my life. Good luck to all men, because Baba has set the bar HIGH. Thanks, Lord, for my family!"

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

 "Today I put my feet in the Mediterranean Sea and got seashells from the beach. I went with two women from the church and Maha to an all-woman's beach/pool. It was really nice, but now I'm super burnt. So I'm pretty exhausted, so I gotta write pretty fast. After the beach, went to Maha's and got a really sweet message from Simon which made my day. I just heard a terrifying noise outside that sounded like a wild cat shriek.. or sneeze. Anyway, I was at Maha's for a while until Matthew came. As he came, I received a message from the RD, Hillary, saying it was fine for me to come August 9th! Praise God! So, I get to go to the Mutamar AND be an RA this year! Oh snap!"

"I ate McDonald's in Lebanon today, and it was delivered to us! The sandwich was HUGE.. like the size of my face. Joanne (from Australia) is leaving tomorrow, so we hung out with her for a while and all that."

Friday, July 27th, 2012

"So, I didn't get to read the Bible today yet which stinks, but the night is still young. I woke up and went straight to Taunt Jacko's to see Charlie, Celine and Sabine (my second cousins) who are here from the States as well. We hung out, caught up on all that we missed since Thanksgiving (we get together on holidays a lot), played a card game called Likha (same as Hearts) and 400, and we watched the Three Stooges. Then I came back and had some alone time in the house, which was nice. Right now I'm at church for prayer meeting. I like this church a lot. The power just went out. Haha."

"Megan, my future RA partner and roommate emailed a sweet email, and it made me smile. I'm looking forward to this, but man do I have no idea what I'm doing. It's going to be a humbling experience to say the least, but God is good (all the time). I pray that the speaker at the Mutamar speaks in a way that I understand. I hope I make friends. Jesus, help me to be an example, a leader, a servant, a friend and a mentor. Give me strength. Help Megan and I to work together awesomely. Build an awesome partnership and friendship =). Be with our SLDs and be with our prayer leaders. Use the hall and the team in each girl's lives. All 30ish of them- it's going to be a cozy group, but it's going to be awesome! Jesus, I pray that You give us wisdom. Good thing this is a small hall. I don't think I could handle 70 girls this year. Good thing God KNOWS. Wow. He is way sovereign. The fact that He would put me on that hall and not allow me to go anywhere else. He just KNOWS. And the fact that there were no flights to go home early makes me all the more excited to go to the Mutamar because it means that God wants me to go for a reason. What do I know? What do we know? Only He knows. Jesus Christ just wins my heart everyday. This is random, but Lord, teach me someday how to raise my kids to love You and be honoring to You."

"Aww I miss Grace and Kurt. And Mama and Baba. And Simon. Jesus, take care of us as You always do. Keep using me while I'm here and help everything I do to be for Your glory. Help me to be courageous, but also wise. Help me to make a difference in the lives of everyone You put in my path. Help me to be a LIGHT. Help me to live up to my name forever. I just made the correlation between my name and the desire You've given me (my name mean's Light). Hahaha. You're funny, Jesus. You rock at the English language.. since of course you created it. HAHA Yes!! You're the best."

"Tonight was fun. After church, hung out at the jnanee with Maha, Youssef, Charlie, Chris (from FL), Roger, Matthew etc. We hung out, chilled, walked people home, etc."

"Your actions are what define you, but from the heart, thoughts and speech, actions are produced. 'We are forms of everything we love.' -(Good Monsters)."

Lebanon Trip- Part 2

Week Two

Sunday, July 15th, 2012

"I find that there are things I love about Lebanese culture and things I cannot stand. For instance, I love how close everyone is here and how much love there is, but with that sort of relationship there comes an abundance of expectations. I also love how much of a oneness of a culture there is here. As Grace once said on our trip seven years ago: "It's all about food and marriage here." That could not be more true. Those are the topics of choice here.. and maybe they throw in some politics, too. One aspect of the culture that I find overwhelming is the fact that, due to this openness of culture, there is a huge lacking in the privacy area. People sort of just walk in, and then if you don't offer them food incessantly until they accept it, you are a bad host. I'm not saying there isn't beauty to the hospitality, but it definitely takes getting used to."

"I've decided that I'm not wearing any makeup while I'm here, and if I do, I'm barely going to put on any. All of the Lebanese women my age think I look younger with no make-up? Good. That means I don't look like a plastic person. I'm not saying it's wrong to wear make-up, but I definitely have issues with it when you don't look like yourself anymore."

"Man. The Catholic church stuffs the mind of hungry people with the idea that we're still under the thumb of the law. Isn't that the opposite of what the entire New Testament teaches?"

"I just came back from church and it was beautiful. Believers all over the world, worshiping the Lord together in unity. The man preaching (who also was related to me) spoke from Romans 12:1-2 on God transforming us to do His will. I understood bits and pieces, but the formal Arabic is always difficult for me. At church I met a guy from Arizona named Caleb who has been traveling with OM (Operation Mobilization) throughout the Middle East and passing out literature."

"Taunt Farida's sister is a believer. She came to church and then came to visit Teta, and her and her son-in-law who is a pastor in Egypt, prayed fervently over Teta's leg and it was beautiful. At church they sang "All Hail the Power of Jesus Name" and "I Surrender All" in Arabic."

Monday, July 16th, 2012

"Yesterday was a really fun day. After lunch, I went to Taunt Jacko's (my dad's cousin) to use the internet, so I got to check and send emails to family and friends back home. I'm meeting so many people who knew all of my uncles when they were little. So, while I was at Taunt Jacko's, Maha (who turns out is my cousin), Matthew and Mark came and picked me up, and then we went to their house and then to the jnanee ("garden".. it's a hang out place in the town). After we went and ate dinner in Saida (Sidon). Then was a party in the town square where we met up with our "group" (the Lebanese people our age from all over the world mixed with a few people from the town), and I did the Debke (Lebanese folk dance) in Lebanon for the first time in my life and it was so fun! Then around 1 a.m. we went to Matthew's house with the group, hung out, played random games like "telephone," "truth or dare," and some game where we meowed at people. We stayed there till about 3 a.m. (cause like I said, this culture is nocturnal)."

"Tonight was a fun, but crazy night. I hung out at the house with Teta until 3 p.m. (which, I'm not superstitious, but I do believe in the power of prayer. Taunt Farida's sister prayed over Teta's leg yesterday, and now Teta's leg is significantly better. As in, she doesn't need to use the walker anymore and isn't in pain when she stands up, sits down or walks. PRAISE GOD!) and then Matthew and Maha came and picked me up. We stopped at some people from the town's house (they're all cousins and each family lives on a different floor of the building, which is really common in Lebanon. Extended family's usually all live in one building). One of the guys loves Maha. The other one just loves all women. To clear the air, there are no men that I am interested in here. That should put to rest an rumors that may begin to form. Anyway, later at night we went to one of the guy's in the town's house for a genuine Lebanese party.. as in, people actually got up and did the debke. It was pretty legitimate. We left around 2 a.m. because there was some obnoxiousness going on and then went back to Matthew's where I got to skype with Mama and Baba! P.S. After dealing with a lot of obnoxious guys recently, I would just like to say that I want a guy who loves me because he knows me and loves me. Not just because he thinks I'm pretty."

 Tuesday, July 17th, 2012

 "I woke up to Teta being utterly freaked out that I was out till 3 a.m. and how she was imagining me dead and all that. Once I talked to her about it and explained that we just are sitting at the house because that's when people see each other in this country, and that I skyped Baba at 3 a.m. and he didn't mind, then she felt better. Taunt Farida and I have some great talks, and she even told me all about her and Khaloo (Uncle) Said met and it was cute. I hope however I meet my future husband is cute and memorable like that."

"Today was a great day. Around 8 p.m., Maha, Mark and Youssef (from Quebec) picked me up and we went to Matthew's house. Then after that we went to some place that sells menaeesh and Matthew's two Muslim friends from college came with us. So then we went to the jnanee to hang out. Somehow, the subject of God and the Bible came up, and Matthew and I got to end up having about an hour discussion with his two Muslim friends about the gospel and legitimately got to share it with them in detail. It was incredible. I was afraid to talk about it with them at first, but I'm so glad that God gave us courage, because not only did they enjoy the conversation and ask a ton of questions, but one of them also is very interested in reading the Bible. It seriously was absolutely amazing. If that is all that happens this whole trip, the seed that was planted was so worth it. Dear Lord, use us to touch their hearts and open their eyes to the truth. Bring people in their lives to mentor them and guide them to YOU alone. After the conversation, one of the guys said that now he feels really close to us. Use these relationships built for YOUR glory. Thank you for that opportunity to be useful for You! AH =). After that, we hung out and stargazed. Today, I can cross "saw a shooting star in Lebanon" off of my list."

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

"I'm legitimately still so happy that we got to share the gospel with those two guys yesterday. Their interest was so encouraging, and their hearts are really searching. We've been eating like vegetarians beacause they're worried about the meat here. Mmjudra (lentils), Baamy (okra), Mnezzlee (I'm not really sure what this.. egg plant?), Lubee b'zaat (green beans cooked in tomato sauce and olive oil), fresh fruits and veggies, etc. I like it though. I'm eating healthier and losing some of my college weight!"

"Feeling sort of blah today. I don't even know why. The heat mixed with missing home, mixed with a lot of emotions from seeing where Gidoo (grandpa- pronounced "Jih-doo") first started the church, maybe. I guess I feel like, even with the friends I've made, I still don't really fit in. My Arabic is horrible, and I'm just a little bit awkward sometimes. *and then the journal entry continues into a pity party.. so I will spare you from that, I guess there's always those days*."

Thursday, July 19th, 2012

"Today was an interesting day. I woke up, took a shower and then Maha and Matthew picked me up. We hopped from house to house, ate lunch and then by around 8ish, I was finally feeling in a better mood, and there was a party at Maha's house. Some guys decided to bring alcohol after Maha asked them not to, and so naturally, she was upset. Then she owned and kicked them out. I was all proud of her. Drama, drama, drama."

"So, random news- one of my RAs for next year isn't coming back to school, and they want me to interview for it. I'm not sure what's going on, but I guess we'll find out. Lord, if you want me to be an RA, show me your will. Please have me where I will be most affective."

Friday, July 20th, 2012

"There are a lot of random scares going on here. There have been shootings in Saida (Sidon), which is right near us. Thousands of refugess from Syria are flooding into Lebanon, so I'm not sure what that means. Also, last night, Ramadan (the Muslim time of fasting) started and it will go on for a month. Everything in Saida is closed for it."

"I forgot to tell about how on Wednesday, I saw the chapel in the current church. The chapel is where the church initially met when Gidoo was the pastor. It made me tear up a bit cause I wish I knew him, but it was crazy to picture him there preaching and Baba as a little boy. Wow, I love Baba so much, and I'm blessed to have him as my father."

"Today I ate figs and grapes from the trees/vines on our land. All of the fresh food is so delicious."

"Right now, I can hear the Muslims chanting things over the loud speakers. I can't really understand the muffled words, but I'm guessing it's for Ramadan. I don't think I am afraid of Muslims, whereas I think I was before. I definitely see all of their chains. So little surety. One thing that my Muslim friend said to me when we shared the gospel with him was, "How can anyone know where they're going when they die??" It made me sad. When we shared the gospel, he asked, "So are you saying that all Muslims are going to hell?" Matthew and I got sort of quiet, cause it's awkward to say "yes," but then we said, "The Bible says that anyone who doesn't accept Jesus Christ's gift is going to hell. So to answer your question... yes. But it's nothing personal. >_> .. <_< .. >_>.." Hahaha, they laughed. They understood we weren't trying to be jerks, but simply preaching the truth. I used Abe's "stick-figure on paper" analogy to explain our inability to understand the mind of God. I think it pretty much hit the nail on the head, and I'm glad.""T

"Today wasn't bad. Went and visited a group of people with Teta. Due to my nausea, Taunt Farida had me drink straight up lemon juice for my stomach. Teta, Taunt Farida and I had lots of interesting conversations- about Baba's oldest brother who died, of Gidoo's calling into ministry and just family stuff. Then Matthew came and got me and we went to the jnanee. Tonight, I helped Matthew and Joe (another guy from the church) brainstorm for a Bible lesson for tomorrow's AWANA. I brought up the idea about doing something regarding how faith and works go together, but we'll see what God leads them to do tomorrow. I told them my story about how God showed me to come here, and I think it helped remind me. Lord, help me in these relationships that I'm building, and keep me useful while I'm here. If it's your will for me to stay for the Bible Conference (Mutamar) please make it happen, but if you want me to be an RA, please make that happen. If both could be possible, it would be awesome!"

Saturday, July 21st, 2012

"This morning I helped at AWANA a bit and just did what I could despite my failure at speaking. I gave a short testimony (which Matthew translated) about how not to get stuck in the motions of a Christian home, but to make it personal and use growing up in a Christian home as an advantage to learn as much as possible now so that God can use you in ways you don't expect. I had issues tying all of my thoughts together, but hopefully it made sense."

"We ate lunch at Mary's house and it was yummy (grape leaves, kefta, etc.). Now I just took a two hour nap and feel extremely nauseous (I usually do from napping, though). Tonight is youth group and I think they're watching Fireproof. It'll be pretty interesting to watch that in Lebanon. I keep thinking about my Muslim friend and his total search for the truth. His confusion as to who God is. Dear God, I'm not sure if you're going to do more or if this is why you've brought me here. For now, thank you for what you've taught me and how you've used me for your glory.

1. You've taught me to listen and to observe.
2. You've helped me to build relationships and to be a light.
3. You've allowed me to help Teta Mary and Aunt Houda however they've needed me.
4. You've opened up conversations with multiple people about God's Word, truth, religion and controversial subjects.
5. You've allowed me to be a witness to my Muslim friend.
6. You've helped me to meet numerous believers from all over the world.
7. You've humbled me regarding speech and leadership, and you've shown me how to be an unknown servant.
8. You've allowed me to learn and grow in this foreign country and are helping me to excel  in Arabic.
I love you, Jesus."

"Youth group was good! We watched Fireproof, and I translated in broken Arabic the entire movie for this girl in the youth group who doesn't understand English. It was kind of fun! After youth group, we hung out with the youth group kids at the mall in Saida where they ate McDonald's and made fun of my Arabic. Then went to the jnanee, and I (of course) got sheesh tawok (a Lebanese chicken garlic wrap thing.. it's my absolute favorite). Then Joe (from church), Matthew, Maha and I played this game with fruit cards called ... uh. Balli Walli? No. Halli Galli. Something like that. Roger (Matthew's Australian cousin) joined in with us too, and I stunk at the game. And then they made fun of me for about a half an hour about how I can't count (I hate math and it was 1 a.m... what else can I say?). We played Go-Fish and talked. So much laughing that happened tonight. It was awesome!"

Lebanon Trip- Part 1

So wow. It's going to be quite a task to blog on my entire trip to Lebanon, but post by post, I'm going to do it. Let me just begin by saying, God is incredible in all that He does and He is good in every situation. This trip not only involved building relationships, getting to share the gospel & being a testimony, but also involved growth, learning and faith. You guys ready for this? One month of God working is going to be pretty difficult to contain into the form of blog posts, but thankfully my daily journal-keeping will ease this up for me a bit.

So here's how I'm going to do this- I'm going to post excerpts from my journal entries (along with explanations of course) to hopefully help you to see each event and experience from my perspective, and just to get a little taste of my thoughts during the little moments. So here it goes!

Week One:

Monday, July 9th, 2012

"Today's the day! We are currently in the gate and going to board the plane to London in an hour. Oh man.
Traveling internationally + traveling with Teta (my grandma) & Aunt Houda = utter chaos. Dear Lord, help me. I feel bad for the airport attendants because we are so obnoxious. They should make a comedy about us in which my face does not appear. I love Teta, but traveling with her... oh man."

"It's 7:45 p.m. and we are now taking off to London! I have a whole row to myself which is nice ... Catherine just got back from Panama and she was telling me about her experience at an orphanage. I still really want to be involved in an orphanage, but I don't know how to be or if God wants me to be. I guess I should focus on what God is doing right now. He's allowing me to go to Lebanon to do who knows what for Him. I can't believe. I'm actually on the way. Right now. Crazy. Dear Lord, please help me to be useful for You and not to believe the devil's lies telling me that I'm inadequate. Please help me also not to believe the lies that I can do anything in my own strength. Help me to rely on YOU alone. Jesus, thanks for providing this all! YAY!"

Tuesday, July 10th, 2012

 "Just arrived to London a bit ago, and technically it's now July 10th here. It's about 9 a.m. London time, but 3 a.m. in my body clock/ Boston time. London. British stuff rocks: cool British accents, high class and BBC. The Heathrow airport has all sorts of people of all sorts of nationalities. I just saw a guy walk by and he had pigtails... interesting."

"I legitimately cannot believe that I am here now. It's incredible. Teta saw her brother, Khaloo (Uncle) Fousee, in the airport and she cried, so it made me a bit misty. The Beirut airport was packed tonight. The man who drove us from the airport seven years ago drove us again tonight. The drivers are hilariously insane and people walk on the side of the highway at night. The soldiers are everywhere and I smiled one at the airport to be friendly, but he didn't smile back. Aunt Farida says they're friendly though.
When we got to Teta's house we were greeted with hugs and kisses by a  group of people I don't know (all relatives). Then Uncle Fousee had us over and we had menaeesh (zataar baked onto dough) and baked Lebnee and they legitimately gave us a feast at 10:30 p.m. I am exhausted. It's midnight and I've barely slept, but I feel as though I need to document today's events first."

"What were my first thoughts in Lebanon? 'Wow. Everyone looks like me.' So weird! And so weird hearing Arabic everywhere. Dear Lord, make me useful for You. Help me to be wise. I have no idea what tomorrow holds but I'm sleeping and we'll find out."

Wednesday, July 11th, 2012

 "I slept like a rock for about 10 hours straight. It's weird having to constantly rmeind myself to not drink the water from the sink or to rinse with bottled water when I brush my teeth. Things I take for granted. The electricity goes out at random times, which is kind of cool. Everyone sleeps in late in the summers here, and it's a pretty slow-paced lifestyle. I like it."

"It's interesting.. the people who aren't working literally just hang out all day. That's what they do. They hang out with their families. That's what they do."

"The guy who drives around selling fresh fruits and vegetables, Ahmed, just came by and we bought lots of fresh apricots, plums, cucumbers, mitti, potatoes, etc. Cool stuff right there.
I find that the doors to everyone's houses are always open for two reasons: to cool down the house/circulate the air (because it's so ridiculously hot) and to allow people in the townn to come over whenever htey so wish. Once again, I like it. Open door policy. Right now I hear the Muslim prayers being sung outside. This town isn't Muslim, but nearing towns are. My Uncle Said just said that 'Life is easier in America.' In some ways I agree; we are so spoiled in the U.S. However, it's just different. Not better. Life is life, no matter how you live it or where you live it.
I'm convinced that this country is nocturnal. Everyone is AWOL because it's so hot. My guess is that it's high 90's, but the humidity is ridiculous. The sun is hot, the streets are dusty and the feeling is humid. I would much rather this than being cold, though. I really like it here. I think I could live pretty much anywhere as long as I was with people I love and a few brothers and sisters in Christ."

"I went to this event with a cousin hoping to start meeting people in the town, but the event turned out to be a Catholic service. As I sat in the pews listening to the priest drone in prayer, all I heard was sadness and ritual. Those in the audience seemed sincere and searching... The Catholic church bases its entire being in good deeds and ritual. They lit candles all around the church and although all of it was beautiful, it moved my heart for them. Vainly they worship and pray to God hoping it will be enough, and vainly they believe everything the priest tells them. Am I a slave to ritual in worshiping God or do my prayers have substance and truth? They seem so close to the truth. It's so difficult to speak Arabic, and when I try people look at me all weird if I make a mistake. My favorite is when they speak loudly and slowly so that I may understand their Arabic since I am apparently deaf and dumb."

"On the page before this, the verse at the bottom says 'Let your light so shine that they may see your good works.' I find this difficult to understand, because the Catholic church thrives on good works, yet there is no light. LORD, help them to see a difference in me and a light in the darkness."

 Thursday, July 12th, 2012

"It's about 5:30 a.m. here. I woke up from dogs howling outside or something. I'm not sure what they were. I'm sitting near the veranda now and just watching the sun rise. I think this is a great time to read the Bible. So, I have to say, my hair curls really well from the water and weather. I wonder if my body knows that this is the land of my heritage, therefore feeling right at home."

"I came here to serve, but I haven't once seen Pastor Pierre to see what I can do. Lord, help me out here.. I just have to remember that no one who comes into my path is a mistake, and interruptions are of God. ... Pastor Pierre and his family just came over now (that was fast). I'm realizing that all of this is going to be really difficult because it seems that walls are built between the Baptists and the Catholics. Walls are hard to tear down, but of course, God tore down Jericho by making the Israelites be obnoxious."

"I find that no matter where I go, I never fully belong. The only place I feel comfortable is in Christ and wherever He is please with me. Americans treat me like I'm not truly American (although I'm born & here and I speak the language better than most Americans, and the Lebanese treat me like I'm not Lebanese. Jesus means it when He says we are not of this world. NOTW. It's lonely sometimes on the outside, but it's also refreshing. I have freedom to be me rather than stuffing myself in a status quo. One good thing about this trip is getting forced to read with no internet constantly around me. The Bible is making this country a home. Today, Teta's leg has been killing her. She is in so much pain. I'm glad I'm here to help a little though or else Aunt Farida would have to do everything on her own. I feel like an elderly person, always hanging out with the elderly."

Friday, July 13th, 2012

"The young thrive on beauty and strength, but it passes. The young are physically capable, yet know little about life. The old are physically incapable, yet know much about life. I wonder if God created it this way on purpose so that there is no stage in life in which we must not fully rely on Him. Today I had to help Teta with things I've never seen her need help with before. I cried after by myself. Such a struggle. Teta is in so much pain in her knees so that things like standing up, sitting down, walking and bathing are extreme endeavors. I wonder if God sent me here partially to learn to be more selfless and serve those in complete need."

"Today I hung out with Teta and Aunt Jackline came over, and then I went to prayer meeting at the Baptist church that Gidoo (grandpa) started and pastored, which was so cool. It was awesome to get to worship, pray and sing with Lebanese believers. The man who spoke (who turns out is related to me- surprise, surprise), spoke about how salvation is more than just good works, but belief in God's grace."

Saturday, July 14th, 2012

"Today, I went to AWANA for the kids at the church. I didn't feel like I helped much because I have such a hard time speaking Arabic. It's so different and hard. I played some games with the kids though and met a girl my age who turns out is my cousin. She speaks both English and Arabic very well; it's so embarrassing and humbling to be unable to respond well, but I pray that God will help me catch on quickly and be confident in speech."

"I'm starting to feel a little bit lonely. No one can understand my broken Arabic nor wants to tolerate it. I feel just a little bit like an idiot. Maybe God is teaching me how to be silent and listen, because that's what I do every day. It's difficult when everyone thinks you're mute. I feel sort of like a fly on the wall, understanding everything fluently but unable to express my self vocally."

"Wow that was fast. I was about to sleep early cause I wasn't feeling that great, but then Maha (the friend that I met at AWANA) came with Mark and Matthew (two guys from the church) and we went to the jnanee (the garden). There I met a ton of English speaking people my age from the U.S., Canada, Australia and of course Lebanon. Dear Lord, please help me to share the gospel and spread your word. give me courage and strength. They all think I'm way younger than I am. Why is this?"

The first week was definitely a little bit rough due to not knowing anyone, being extremely self-conscious and discouraged about my Arabic and just getting a tad bit overwhelmed by the culture. By Saturday though, God brought people into my life and started allowing me to get a little more involved in the church, which was such a blessing. God's timing is always perfect and His ways are so much higher than my ways. Looking back, I now see why God made things happen certain ways and how everything worked out exactly how it was supposed to. So begins my journey about learning about God's sovereignty and complete control. First weeks are always a little bit awkward, but I'm so thankful for everything God did that first week and the time I was able to spend praying, studying the Bible, getting to know the town a little bit and getting to spend a lot of time with my grandmother, my uncle and my aunt.


So concludes the first week in Lebanon =).