He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Adventures of Having Curly Hair

If you have curly hair, know someone with curly or have seen a random stranger with curly hair,
this blog post is for you.
 
The purpose of this post?
For those will curly hair: to empathize with, to share a heart-to-heart and to simply bond with.
For those acquainted with a curly-haired individual: to help you understand your friends better, to give you further detail into methods in which you may assist your friends and to help you to appreciate your hair.
For everybody else who has seen curly hair: to inform you on this topic (since you obviously need further information about it), to provide an anthropological analysis on the curly-haired population and simply to entertain you (cause who doesn't find other people's problems funny?)

If you reside within the first category of individuals reading this post, you may be asking yourself "Am I the only one who has such interesting experiences due to my untamed hair?"
I am here to tell you: no. No you are not.
If you find yourself in the latter two categories, maybe you're asking yourself, "What is it like to experience such craziness?"
I am here to further develop your understanding and to culturally enrich your senses.

Now, let's dive into our fine specimen of a topic.

It is a known fact, that curly hair contains some sort of magnetic component which forces food and drink to leap onto the hair, tangling itself within the web of curls. The case usually grows with the growing of the hair- the longer the hair, the more magnetic the bond between the hair and the food.
Example: Eating bread usually results in a mass amount of crumbs residing within the hair. Eating soup usually results in drippings of liquid on the tips of the hair. Eating bananas usually results in bananas just hanging out in the hair.
To the curly-haired individual: When eating, please tie your hair up. It will prevent any magnetic forces from publicly humiliating you, conquering your ego or simply just dirtying your hair.
To the friend: If your curly-haired friend has forgotten some sort of hair-tying contraption, please resort to holding your friend's swirly locks back for them as they attempt to eat their meal. Otherwise, simply keep an eye on them as they dig into their nutritious (I should hope) dish.
To the random by-stander: Have a video camera ready (this may apply for the friend as well).

Only a rainy day, the adventures dramatically increase. It is common knowledge that rain holds a life-long grudge against curly hair. If it rains, curly hair will pay. How? The beautiful term "frizz" comes to mind. Why? Because rain can. Rain thinks to itself, "This girl has curly hair.. how about we multiply her curls into millions of little, unattractive curls that make her look like a lioness on the prowl? What a brilliant idea, self!"
To the curly-haired individual: I am sorry. The only advice I can think to bestow upon you is LOTS of gel. Or mousse. And just don't waste your time straightening your hair. Umbrellas do nothing. Hoods can work if squeezed tightly around head, creating the whole "hoodlum effect."
To the friend: Be kind to your friend and don't laugh at them in a public place. We realize our hair is uncontrollably large and extra curly and do not need to be informed. Also, if you have a hat on hand or some sort of... disguise (for your friend), you know what to do.
To the random by-stander: Be gracious and don't judge. It's not just a bad hair day- it's a rain day. Nothing could be done, and your understanding would be greatly appreciated.

The curly-haired individual does not manage their hair; the curly-haired individual is managed BY their hair. Everyday is different. Some days the hair decides that it will appease its owner and look presentable, while other days result in tears and frustration.. and eventually a pony-tail. People wonder why women are moody.. well, when your hair is bipolar, that tends to influence a woman. The hair has a mind of its own. It curls. It waves. It flattens. It poofs. It frizzes. It flips awkwardly. It falls nicely. It just falls. It plops. It gets stuck on facial features (noses, ears, eyebrows, lips.. etc).
Curly hair does what it wants and it won't be told otherwise.

I'm sure there's more to be said about curly hair... but I'm tired, so this is ending.
Goodnight, curly-haired and straight-haired folks alike! Let us all live peaceably with our differences!

Knit Together

First of all, I began writing this at 11:11 pm, which I think is pretty nifty. Yes, I have just revealed one of my little girly inclinations that I often try to hide from the world. What am I saying? I'm an open book. Moving on.

I don't know if you've experienced this in your life, but I seem to always have these recurring thoughts and phrases that randomly pop into my head at random moments in my life.. usually a time when I am unable to write about it, thus being immediately robbed of my realizations as they fly away into oblivion. Where do those thoughts go and how do they come back? Wow, total rabbit trail. Anyway, even though it would be fascinating to analyze the occurrence of thoughts, I'm going to actually get to my point this time. I promise.

One of these random thoughts that I've caught coming and going through my mind all throughout my life came back to me today as we discussed how beauty is portrayed in modern advertising.
So many times I find myself picking apart who I am, how I look, what people think of me, and what people want me to be. Than I think to myself, if I change myself, who am I disappointing (that may be a higher priority on my list)?
Fact: I will never make everyone happy.
Fact: I will never be whatever everyone specifically wants me to be.
Fact: I am who God created me to be.

Throughout my life, I've realized that the moment I change something about myself to please someone else, I have lost connection with someone else who would have liked me for the very aspect of myself that I abandoned. God has created us uniquely, perfectly designed to be just as He intended us to be. Personality, flaws, and all. Do not get me wrong- by flaws I do not mean sin. Sin is a completely different issue that is definitely that should be changed and worked on. By flaws I mostly mean quirks. Get me? Ok good.

In the words of Johnny Diaz, "You were meant to fill a purpose that only you could do. There could never be a more beautiful you."

When we change ourselves to please others, we are removing ourselves from who God created us to be. We are warping ourselves into plastic people.
I fully believe that if I remembered that this life is not about pleasing others but about pleasing the God who gave me breath and created me just as I am, my self esteem would no longer be catapulted into depths of despair. Instead, I would realize my self worth in Christ. I would know that somewhere out there is a man who has also been uniquely created by God, his temperaments, quirks, beliefs, and standards fully complementing mine and his heart appreciating who I am for who I am. He's out there, and I know it. Until then, I will continue to be me- who God formed me to be when He personally knit me in my mother's womb. 

This goes for you, too. To every person who feels that they must change themselves to fit someone else- there's someone better for you. Not better, just better for you.
Cliche? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

Don't disappoint the wrong person.

Finally. That thought is written down and finally out of my heart for the world to see. Hope you enjoyed it. Here's the music video to the Johnny Diaz song which I earlier quoted.. enjoy!

Goodnight & God Bless!

Maybe I should read the dictionary....

It seems that the more I hear about the future and what I must do to prepare for a successful one, the more absolutely terrified I am of growing up. No, I'm not lazy, and no, I am not failing to equip myself, but yes I still feel inadequate. This could be because I'm allowing myself to believe the lies of the world (and myself) that I'm not good enough, or it could be because I simply am overwhelmed by the extreme requirements in this little story we called "life." (Or it could be both).

Have you ever felt like you are the only one incapable of doing what it is that you and whatever other million people in the world want to do? You know- that whole, "Wow. They even ask questions better than me."
Yeah. I feel it. I feel it often. Especially in a field of study such as Communications.. where everyone births eloquence and strategically places their words in precisely the right spot at exactly the right moment (whether spoken or written). Then I think to myself, "Maybe I should read the dictionary more often."

If you have ever felt this way, you understand. Well, here's what I've realized recently: Success is not about big words. It's not about prestige. It's not even about landing the ever-so-dreamed-of "job of the century" which pays wages more than you knew existed and gives you a name you never knew you could have.
Really, it's not about names at all (except for One name).
Success is diligence. Diligence to do what you can do, do it in the best possible way that you can do it, and do it with the motive of glorifying the God who is greater than you and greater than I.
Success is being intentional. Intentional to learn what you can learn, put this learning into practice, and be humble enough to admit it's not simply your human intelligence and "profound capabilities" that have allowed you to learn, but the fact that God has created you with an incredible, unique, and highly complicated mind and body, allowing you to learn and excel in whatever path you have decided to follow.

[Keep in mind that there is a difference between spiritual and worldly success; however, I do believe that in many cases they do intertwine]. [Another topic for another time].

So, from a girl who constantly argues with herself (literally- sometimes even out loud) over whether I am capable or incapable, whether I will be successful or unsuccessful, or whether I am worth anything- in Jesus Christ, there is no question of worth. I cannot think of any other way to put it, really. Your or my worth cannot even be debated or questioned when we have Jesus Christ as our Lord. 
He has created us. He has formed us. He has given us the intelligence, strength, and purpose to complete whatever it is He has called us to do for His ultimate purpose. There is no question of our worth. No doubts, no excuses, no alternatives.-

So that's just a tidbit from my life. Hope this encouraged somebody out there.

One last word:
I am not defined by what I achieve, but rather Who I achieve it for.

God bless and have a good Friday!

Wake me up when September ends....

I feel as though I start every single blog post with, "it's been one of those weeks." So, in order to avoid this cliche, yet true statement, I fear that all I can say is... it's been one of those semesters. Yes, an entire semester has been one of "those." One of change, challenges, decisions, emotions, and major growth. 
I don't know about anyone else, but does it seem like it's been September for FOREVER? I literally find myself relating to the song, "Wake Me Up when September Ends."


Among the trials and lessons learned this week, my eyes have definitely been opened to little blessings that God has placed in my life, and simply just reasons.
How to know God has a sense of humor: Oh, He gives you exactly what you ask for, but in the most random, original, and slightly abstract way.
Here are some basic conversations that I had with God this week:

Me: "Lord.. why do You give me people to minister to who don't even want to be ministered to and don't really care whether I'm in their lives or not?"
God: "Uh, cause you asked to be used by Me, even if it's not easy? ... duh."
Me: "...oh...right."

Me: "Lord.. why are there people who under appreciate my service for them or simply do not want me to serve them?"
God: "...because you said you wanted to be more like Me, and you treat me that way all the time."
Me: ".....oh."

Me: "Why do you let me embarrass myself in public?..."
God: "...I don't force you to say/do anything. I simply made you unique."

God has also placed amazing friends in my life this semester who have encouraged me more spiritually than I could ever have imagined, and such blessings have definitely gotten me through this month. So, shout out to Sydney.. the girl who I just have gotten to know this year, and who's already gone above and beyond to be an amazing friend! Thankful for her! Also thankful for my other fantastic, godly friends who have stuck with me since last year... appreciate you guys more than ever <3.

Totally different side note...
Lately, I feel like the leadership on this campus have been under spiritual attack... cause I mean, logically, who else would Satan go after? If he can get the leadership down spiritually, he can get the rest of the campus down spiritually. Something crazy: Satan can't beat us.
SPOILER ALERT: Satan loses in the end. We're on God's side.. AKA, we win. Hands down.

It's amazing how my own insecurities, Satan's lies, and society in general can so easily convince me that I'm a failure. Well.. here's a little note to myself, to Satan, and to the world: sorry, but you can't tear down someone who has an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-perfect God as their SAVIOR. Booya. *Insert snapping in Z-formation here* 

Alright, now I feel like I've ranted on this for long enough.
Now to get through another week.. THUMBS UP, LET'S DO THIS! (and God bless!)

Camp: Memories and Lessons.

So it's definitely been a while since I last posted.. which is expected due to the craziness of camp counselor life (and craziness is slightly an understatement). I definitely love it here and know that God sent me here for the purpose of not only encouraging campers spiritually, but also for my own growth and maturing.

This summer I have been learning (dramatically) what it means to humble myself in my weaknesses in order to encourage others to develop their strengths. While I'm not, by any means, a "campy" person, I have learned that through my need for help and strength, God's grace is shown in my life.

While here at camp I have tried things I probably would never have tried had I not been forced by my job description (camp counselor, aka, one who will do every activity in order to encourage campers to do every activity, even if it involves intense humiliation and ego-smashing). I've been able to attempt to play paintball, climb the tower (kind of like a rock-wall, for those of you who don't know what it is) even though I haven't made it to the top (yet), practice my swimming skills (or lack thereof), and bring out my wild side which sings and dances like a maniac in order to get kids to have some fun and be a little weird.
"There was a great big moooose and he drank a lot of juice!"

Fun highlights of my time here so far?
Doing a late-night swim with my LIT girls, convincing them that if anyone found out I would get fired, and then freaking the living daylights out of them when the program director, Mr. Steve "caught" us.

Going on a "toad hike" with my junior girls. Picture this: me with a group of 8-11 year olds, marching through the woods while holding shoulders, capturing toads in paper cups, and then releasing them while chanting "FROGGIES! FROGGIES! FROGGIES, WE LOVE YOU! NOW WE SET YOU FREE!" over and over again, all while wearing some war paint (which we got from the coals from our campfire). That is what I call an amazing time. I definitely will always remember it.

Waking up in the middle of the night due to an intense thunderstorm, finding two of my campers scared in their beds, and then during it getting to tell them about how Jesus calmed an intense storm and showed His incredible power. There's a reason God brings storms.


There are a ton of other amazing memories that I will have to post later, but for now I must say goodbye.
Hope you all are enjoying your summer!
God bless <3.

Insecurities

Insecurities.
Insecurities revolved around the world's definition of beauty.
Insecurities revolved around the world's definition of talent.
Insecurities revolved around the world's definition of love.
Like most teenaged girls and young women, I have been bombarded with such insecurities my entire life. So why bring them up now? Why even write about them when previous blogs I have written have already touched upon areas of these issues? Because I wish to be honest, and I wish go deeper in these insecurities to give God the glory, because after all, when I am weak, then I am strong.

In this specific post, I'm going to just discuss beauty and love, because those are the two that I have been specifically struggling with recently. I also have written about talents in previous blogs, so feel free to scroll back and check those out.

On beauty...

The world pushes its distorted and ungodly images of beauty, talent, and love upon every human being, but especially upon women. We are told that to be beautiful, we must place artificial masks of clay upon our visage to cover our "flawed faces." We are told that to be beautiful, we must dress in a way that not only reveals our bodies to the world, but also flaunts ourselves in a way that idolizes ourselves in our "perfections." We not only become idols to all who may find us beautiful, but we also become idols to ourselves as we pour our energy and time into OURSELVES.
Well, what does GOD say about beauty? What does GOD, the Creator of mankind, nature, and all that exists, tell us about beauty in HIS Word?
1 Peter 3:3-4

³ Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— ⁴ rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

In the eyes of God, the Inventor of beauty and the Mastermind behind all created things,
beauty begins in the heart. God does not see beauty in fake, obnoxious women who parade themselves like peacocks on display. Humility and meekness are qualities of beauty in the eyes of God. God does not see immodesty and vain focus as beauty. Modesty and eyes which are fixed upon God are qualities of beauty in the eyes of God. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing immoral about make-up and jewelry, but when our focus is on such things it is then that we have failed ourselves. When our life depends on an artificial beauty, it is then that we have stripped ourselves down to a shallow, meaningless worth.
1 Samuel 16:7

⁷ But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Lately I have been struggling with comparing myself to others, especially in areas of physical attractiveness. I can tell you right now that because of this specific issue, Facebook has really become an enlarged problem for me, and if it wouldn't be for staying in touch with people from school, I would immediately delete it (I'm still contemplating the idea). It's true though- people display their photographs of themselves, including myself, wishing to parade their beauty and gain complements from the world. This satisfaction that we gain from these compliments, I can tell you right now, leaves us empty and unfulfilled. This "beauty" is not lasting and will fade with age. This "beauty," as declared by the world, does not define our inner state by any means, but rather can easily twist our hearts to believe lies about ourselves.
The world tells us that beauty revolves around how we perceive ourselves, which in a way is true. Yet the world manages to twist such a truth into a perception which states "I should be the center of attention. To strut around as if I own the world tells those in the world that I am confident and beautiful." The Bible does not by any means support this definition of our self-perception, but rather focuses on how we see ourselves in regards to God. "I am God's creation. He has designed me in His image and has fashioned me to be exactly as I should be. Life is not about me and what I think I should be, but rather about God and who He has created me to be in order to serve Him. It's not about me, it's about HIM."
The reason I felt the need to write about this was not because I see the many girls around me acting this way, but that I myself have struggled with this ungodly perception of myself and self-centered approach to beauty. This is more to me than to anyone else, but if it impacts anyone in a positive way, then to God be the glory.


 On love...

How has the world defined love? Plastered upon the media and every other form of communication used by the world exists the world's blinded definition of love which tells us that our self worth relies in other human beings. We are told that to know love, we receive. We are told that in order to understand love, we must gain both physical and emotional benefits for ourselves. According to the world's standards, love is the passionate emotion we feel for someone.. but that is as deep as it goes. According to GOD, the Creator of emotions and love and life, what is love?
Romans 5:6-8

⁶ For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

The true definition of love is sacrifice. GOD's definition of love is Jesus Christ. So how do we accomplish true love in all it's holiness and beauty? Be Christ-like. How do we know what Christ is like? Read God's Word.
Love is not satisfaction in gaining, but in giving. Love is not what we may receive, but what we may give. Love is not what pleasures we may temporarily feel, but what Christ displays in His loyalty, sacrifice, faithfulness, purity, and absolute humility.
Love is not simply having a boyfriend and all is hunky dory.
Love is being willing to die for this person.
Do I love the world with a sacrificial and selfless love? If I don't, I do not know love.

Lately, I have been struggling with being content in my state of singleness as I see all the "happy couples" in "love" all around me. While many may indeed understand love, I have been forced to evaluate my understanding of love. In this discontentment, I am telling God that He is not enough. In this occasional jealousy I obtain, I am telling God that I do not understand His love and in reality do not love Him with a true love. To understand love I must be first satisfied in my Lord and Savior's true and most precious love ever shown. If I cannot be content and thrilled in the most deep and passionate love to exist, how can I ever even begin to be content with failing, frail, and faltering human love?


Like I said earlier, this blog post is for me. This may have been a little bit too honest, but look at this as an in-depth insight into my own personal journal entry. I choose to post this because I realize that many other young women are most likely struggling with these issues, and maybe, just maybe this will touch someone's heart. Maybe God will use this in someone's life who truly needed this reminder, just as I have needed this reminder.