Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Dreams, Desires and Doubt

While some desires are fleshly desires, I do believe that some desires are God-given and with godly motivation. Such godly desires, I believe, are essential to pursue.

Often we ignore or stifle dreams and desires because we're scared of them. We're afraid they're not "God's will," and we're terrified by the amount of hard work (and trials) the dreams will take to accomplish. If God is giving you a passion and dream to do His work in some form or another, chances are, it IS God's will.
Maybe that's a little bit bold to say, but I do believe that.
I always ask God, "But how do I know it's Your will?"
I find that usually after praying about and seeking godly counsel, if it is still weighing on my heart so heavily, it is probably worth pursuing as God's will.

I really do not believe that God's will is some deep, mysterious calling that we will magically be enlightened by. Maybe it is for some people, but for the everyday Christian, God's will is an everyday call to action. Living in God's will is seeking to glorify Him in whatever talents, abilities and passions He has given us. After all, such talents, abilities and passions are given to us by God and are meant to be used for His glory and to share His Word with the world.

If you have a desire and it is a godly one, ask.
Ask for wisdom. Ask for completion. Ask.
Ask who? Ask GOD.
Ask how? Ask in FAITH.

Matthew 7:7-9

⁷ Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. ⁹ Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?

James 1:5-7

⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. ⁶ But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. ⁷ For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; ⁸ he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.

Don't doubt that God can do whatever it is you're seeking Him to guide you in. If you ask God, but don't believe He can do it or will do it, why WOULD He do it?
No, God is not a genie in a bottle to give us whatever we want, but He does give us the privilege of talking to Him and sharing with Him our deepest desires and cares. Maybe things won't happen how you picture them or imagine them, but either way, it will be a good thing. God loves us more than we love ourselves (and we all know, that's a lot).

Jesus Christ does not disappoint, and He does not abandon.
He fulfills, He makes whole, He provides and He loves.

"Your ways are not My ways, declares the LORD."

God has been moving in my heart in a way that He never has before. I've always been passionate specifically about the people of the Middle East since high school and God has more recently placed on my heart serving orphans. As of now, God hasn't opened any doors regarding any orphanages quite yet, but regarding the Middle East, God's been slamming opening some crazy doors and slamming them open quickly.

Last night, after having dinner with one of my closest friends, Sarah (click on her name to see her blog- this woman is such a beautiful woman of God) and just opening up our hearts to each other, we decided to attend a student-led worship service at my school. Mind you, I had no intention of going. I kind of was hardened to it actually, with the "I'm not in the mood for emotional-hand-raisers" mentality. I know. That's harsh, but that was honestly my attitude. Well, we went, and I can tell you right now that God really moved.. and for that one night, I was a hand-raiser.


Let me start from the beginning of the night.
When we arrived, we walked up and made our through the initial minimal crowd. The worship band played some praise and worship songs, read some Scripture and prayed numerous times.
It started off as just a time to express to Jesus through song how much I truly love Him. As I sang, I looked around to see flags of the world surrounding us. I tried to find the flag of my heritage, but I couldn't find it.
One of the first gentlemen that went up to pray focused his prayer on the people of Africa. The next young lady who prayed focused her prayer on the people of Latin America. Person after person made their way to the front where there was a globe, found their home countries and prayed over the lost people of their family's nation with fervency and passion. Prayer after prayer was lifted to God, pleading the salvation of the people of their nation. So many cultures in this melting pot of Christians.
As I witnessed this, God pressed my heart. My culture is often so forgotten.
The Middle East is so frequently labeled as a place of terror and violence, but it is just another place that needs Jesus. So many lies believed, and they just need the truth.
So I prayed and I cried. I prayed with all my heart for my family's country and the people of the Middle East. I prayed that for God to use me, whether now or some other time in my life, to reach those people. I cried out to God, begging Him to bring them to Him. I cried for the lost and the forgotten nations.
I cried for my lack of involvement.
And after I prayed and cried, I made my way to the front, found the Middle East on the globe, and prayed and cried some more.
Needless to say, God is working.

I talked to my dad today to see if any of my relatives were going to the Middle East this summer. I was scared that he would disapprove because of the danger-factor and because of the fact that I'm not home all year due to school. His response? "Why? Do you want to go? I think that's a great idea."
My heart was so happy to hear this. I told him that I didn't want to go on a vacation- I wanted to be involved in the Bible-believing church in my dad's hometown either helping with a kid's club or doing Bible studies with teenaged or college-aged girls. He loved the idea and told me he would contact the pastor of the church there to find out what I can be involved in.

Well, I guess within the next few weeks I will be finding out whether I'm really going this summer or not. Either way, I'm trusting God. I won't lie- I'm scared. I'm really scared. I have no idea what may come of this trip if I go, how God will use me this summer or what God will do with me the rest of my life. I'm scared. The control-freak in me screams, and it's awesome. God's pushing out the control-issues in my life and bringing in trust in Him. So thankful for Jesus Christ in my life to strip away everything that pulls me away from God.

Whether it's just this summer, temporarily in my life or for my whole life- I want to be used by God in the Middle East. My heart yearns for their salvation.

"Jesus. I'll stand with arms HIGH and heart ABANDONED,
in awe of the One who gave it all."

Isaiah 55:8

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD."

The Bucket List

So, I've always wanted to write a bucket list out, but never really have, so I think as I approach a new experience in life (being a camp counselor), now is the time to create goals for my life in the future.
Here it goes... (in no particular order)...

1. Learn Arabic to the absolute utmost (learn how to speak it much better and understand different dialects, learn to read and write the formal language fluently, and be able to hold detailed, Biblical conversations).
2. Backpack through Europe and share the gospel with others as I go.
3. Lead as many people to Christ as God allows
4. Get married to a godly guy who fits me... and who will be my best friend. And then have a family with him :P
5. Reach the Muslim world
6. Be able to run 10 miles and not die..
7. Swim with dolphins
8. Be able to ride horses well
9. Pet a wolf
10. Own a husky
11. Never take a sip of alcohol in my life (so far so good)
12. Be able to swim a long distance (and not drown)
13. Learn to dive
14. Learn to do a cartwheel
15. Write a novel that touches lives
16. Write articles that make a difference
17. Climb a really tall tree
18. Read a Jane Austen novel while sitting under a weeping willow tree
19. Go on a missions trip to the Middle East
20. Play the piano regularly in church
21. Run through a corn field while singing random country songs
22. Become so fit that I have a six pack
23. Live in Boston.. even if it's for a short period of time
24. Whale watch
25. Go fishing all day
26. Hike up Mt. Washington
27. Actually learn to ski (and actually know what's going on)
28. Visit Hawaii and watch the surfers
29. Become so good at the piano that I am able to hear pieces on the radio, pick up the chords, and figure out the song on my own.
30. Love in a way that allows people to only see Jesus Christ in me.
31. Spend the Fourth of July and New Years in Boston

Those are just a few, but I'm sure I'll add in some here and there when I think of them.
What are some goals you have before you die?

All Things New

A day to remember- it's a love-hate relationship.

Name all the things a rushed college student tends to dread...
Not making it into any of the classes I need for my major? Not understanding the material in two of my classes? Not being able to find a speech topic? Oh wait, and being sick and unable to focus on top of it all?
Yup, you guessed it- that was my day.

But guess what- God's got my back.
And guess what- I have twizzlers.
And guess what- Dayquil tends to work wonders.

When life seems to say, "HA. You can't do it. HA. You're frail and human. Just give up while you're behind," I just like to say, "HA. You're right, I can't do it, but God can. HA. I am frail and human, but God is all-powerful and supernatural. I won't give up, because I'm not running alone."

It's days like this, the dreary, frustrating, head-in-a-fog, sort of days that make the devil get a big head.
But guess what- compared to God, he's got a tiny brain jingling around all emptily in his giant head of hot air.
And guess what- I have God on my side.
And guess what- Tomorrow is a new day.

That's one thing I've recently been learning.. God is a God of newness. New creatures, new life, new days.
2 Corinthians 5:17- "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new."

I can tell you that I am so thankful for a God of second chances. I am so thankful for a God who loves us even during our times of bad attitudes, complaining tongues, and cynical perceptions. He makes all things NEW.

God Bless.

To Every Girl Who's Hurting..

This is a message to every girl who is hurting:

You are loved. While you may feel lost and completely alone in this world of pain and sin, there is One who never fails you. Ears are open to hear our cries, and arms are wide to hold you close. While you may have been physically and emotionally abused or hurt, and while true love may seem far away, hold on, for there is One who never will let you go and One who will treat you as the treasure you are. You are made originally by the Creator of the universe, and you are loved individually, for you are beautiful. God knows you, He sees your hurt, and He will bring you through it. You may feel as though you have no worth and it doesn't matter how you treat your body, but you have been deceived by the world and its lies. You are worth the world to your Heavenly Father, and He wants You to come to Him and trust Him. Throughout His life on earth, Jesus Christ impacted the world and loved those who thought they were not worth being loved. Through His death on the cross, He covered every sin of every man and through His sacrifice demonstrated His intense love for mankind. Through His resurrection He displayed His incredible power over death and His conquering love. Jesus Christ is your hope, and you no longer need to feel worthless. You no longer need to feel hopeless and dirty. You no longer need to feel abandoned. God is a God of hope, and in this hope, you can be rid of every doubt. Doubts of your self-worth, doubts of your competence, and doubts of your quality. You are loved. You are more than what you've been told you are. You are more than the world has treated you to be. You can be God's child, eternally forgiven, eternally loved, pure and holy, and a new creation in Him. There is hope, and Jesus Christ is it.

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to write this, but I feel a burden for every girl out there who has been physically or emotionally abused. I just wanted to share the love there is for you.

God Bless <3