Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Cherishing Children

Children. Misunderstood and underrated.

This summer, I have realized how completely clueless adults are with children. So many teens and adults talk down to children as if they "can't possibly understand," leaving the kids believing that it's true. Kids are often shoved under the rug, or on the flip side, completely left to do whatever it is they want to do, without any protection or teaching.

I'm no parent, so I'm not really talking about raising children (and don't really have a right to). I'm mostly thinking of adults in general. Teachers, leaders, how adults treat random children in public, etc.

How often we forget that these children will one day be adults, and in their adulthood, they will carry with them the lessons that WE have taught them. They will remember the way they were treated and they will reflect it on the other people in their lives. People wonder why children fear adulthood and "never want to grow up"? It's because they fear us. They fear who they might become and what love for life they might lose. These little humans watch our every move, crave our affection and just want somebody to be proud of them. They want to look forward to adulthood, and that can only happen if they are given a reason to look forward. If they have seen adults who appreciate life and appreciate them, they have been given hope for their future.

You know all those discourteous and insensitive adults in your life? The ones who cut you in line and yell at their cashiers? They were children once, and something or someone in their life told them that acting like that was ok. Some may have suffered belittlement as children, and as a result, feel that it is their time to belittle others. Some may have never been taught to "do to others as you would have them do to you," and as a result, see the world as their throne. Whatever the reason, they were impacted in some way as a child, and now they have graduated from unruly child to unruly adult. From bitter child to bitter adult.

Think back to your childhood. For me, I longed for the affections of those that were older than me. I admired them, I mimicked them and I wanted them to be proud of me. Everything I did in public, I did for some sort of sense of approval.  I think of all the adults in my life growing up....

Parents. I was blessed to have parents who encouraged me in my endeavors and who disciplined me when I needed to be corrected. I wouldn't have believed in myself, understood right from wrong or learned to really see and love other people if it weren't for the instruction of my incredible parents.
Teachers. Oh the teachers I've had in my life. I've had good ones, I've had great ones and you can better believe I've had bad ones. In elementary, I had some teachers who so favored the "popular," "pretty" children that I found myself believing that I was worthless. Those same teachers made me dread school, hate learning and despise who I was and what I was not. Then, I had some fantastic teachers who taught me lessons I've never forgotten, encouraged me when no one else would and showed me who I could be if I allowed it. They saw me as more than "just a kid," corrected my negative traits so that I indeed recognize them as negative, and took the time to help cultivate the positive traits I did have. My teachers have been some of the most influential people in my life. The bad and the good. The horrible and the fantastic.
My friend's parents. This is sort of a weird one, but my friend's parents did in fact have an influence on me.  I had some friends whose parents appreciated my friendship in their child's life, which in turn, encouraged me to be a better friend and take responsibility for my actions. And then there were some parents who looked down on me, seeing me to be unworthy of befriending their child. When I was in 3rd grade, I was told once by my friend's parent that I "made her sick to her stomach when she saw me" because of my "bad attitude." I don't think adults understand the toll that takes on a child. "Am I really that disgusting?" I would ask myself. "Is her daughter really that superior to me?" I still fight to release any bitter feelings towards those type of parents, and sometimes I still ask those same questions. I'm not saying it's their fault, but I am saying that it has influenced the fact that those questions even creep into my mind.

Those are just a few adults that played key roles in my lives, but good and bad, they all have something in common. I remember them, and I think of them from time to time.

All I know is, I do NOT want to be one of "the horrible" adults in any child's life. I would much rather be that adult who, years later, they still positively remember and cherish. Even in the correction and discipline, what they should remember about us is that we CARED enough to correct them. That we LOVED them enough to build them up.

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

A Pepto Bismol Kind of Day

Today I had my second encounter with an awkward couple as an RA (which I suppose should be expected since Valentine's Day is just around the corner... and we all know that couples' awkwardness goes up about 80% in February).

Ok, disclaimer- I DO NOT HATE COUPLES. or Valentines Day. I know it may seem like that because of my frequent anti-awkward couple posts, but honestly, it's not the holiday, it's the people who make the holiday an Awko Taco experience.

Now, those of you who know me know that I already hold a deep disdain for awkward couples. All shapes and sizes of awkward couples.. I can't handle it.
They make me want to take some Pepto Bismol.
Nausea. Heartburn. Indigestion. Upset stomach. You know it goes.

See the face that lady is making? 
That's the face I make. But amplified. 
So anyway, I had my second encounter... Maybe I should just tell the story.
I'm honestly building this up way more than I need to....

I walk into the Annex lobby (already a trap) to wait for the rest of my RA group so that we may soon enjoy a nice peaceful dinner. I sit down onto the seemingly comfy couch, when actually, much to my dismay, I am about to feel extreme discomfort.
As I sit down, I hear giggling. Already a bad sign. As I slowly turn my head to the right, my heart nervous for what I'm about to witness (especially in the Annex lobby), there I see it.
A boy sprawled out onto the lap of a girl. Oh wait, there's more? She is rubbing his head and lulling him to rest. What is this? Really now? Lulling?
The giggling intensified and so did the nauseous feeling. and heartburn. and indigestion. 
More rubbing of head. More giggling. More "Oh dear, sweety, I need to do homework, stop distracting me.. hehehehe," along with some uncomfortable arm caressing.

This picture is pretty relevant. And accurate.

And then it hits me. I am an RA. Oh yes! I can stop this madness! Actually, I'm supposed to stop this madness because it's my job! HIZZAH! #perksofbeinganRA <-- you can tell I'm a twitter person.
So, I find within me the courage to go up and talk to these people.
As you can imagine, this was difficult for me. For those of you who can't imagine...

1. Because it's awkward to confront people you don't know
2. Because I already have an awkward-couple-complex
3. These people were REALLY awkward.

Thankfully, I conquered these fears because.. well.. I didn't feel like going to dinner with a nauseous stomach (especially since I didn't have any Pepto with me). 

"Excuse me," I said. Panic in their eyes. I decided it was a good idea to make this short and sweet.
"I'm an RA," I said quickly, sort of mumbling the last word. "You probably shouldn't be lying on each other." (I even used the proper form of "lie" ... grammar win!)

Needless to say, there was an extremely awkward moment for a good few seconds, lots of shifty eyes and uncomfortable coughs. Then they dramatically (and, you guessed it, awkwardly) jumped away from each other and apologetically concluded their awkward actions.
Moral of the story? Just don't be an awkward couple. You're not only making everyone else feel extremely uncomfortable, but also yourselves. Just say no.

Only you can prevent awkward couple encounters!

Such is the story of my second awkward couple encounter as an RA.

Quinntroduction

So, first impressions of living at a hotel. Let's see...

I walk in. Ahoy! A lobby and front desk! Well this is interesting. I continue down the carpeted hallway only to see an extremely long hallway and a number of rooms. Wait, you enter the building from the 3rd floor? Stairs. Ok good. This will take me to my 1st floor destination. Down I go until I reach the lowest floor where the laundry room also resides.
Tra la la through the hotel I go, maintenance men everywhere installing doorknobs for all the lovely residents on my hall.
What is this? Still not at my room? I continue walking until finally, a left turn and hallway later, my roommate's and my room. Oh hello. Giant balcony window/door to the woods and highway. Well this seems safe. SHUT THE SHADES. Ok, perfect.
Oh hey, own bathroom and shower! I like this.
Rearrange room with roommate. Rearrange again. The tall dressers almost crush us. That would be bad to die my first day moving in. Thankfully, we squish the dressers into their corners.
Begin unpacking. Then it hits me. I'm living here for four months. Woah mama. Speaking of which, I miss my Mama already. I think she misses me, too, because she keeps saying really cute things like "I can't believe you already came and went," and "It's so quiet and weird without you here." I'll take it.
Go on with our day. Hang out with the awesome RA group.
Annex RAs come and raid the Quinn with love and welcoming spirits? Absolute sweetness. Such kind souls and encouraging beings! Seriously though, I would LOVE to get to know these RAs better. What a blessing it will be to be their neighbors!

So there you have it, folks. What an introduction to adventures. Quinntroduction, I mean. Cause we're "quinning." We are the "Quin Folk." SO MANY QUINNSIGHTFUL PUNS!

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

Hurricanes

There were no classes on Monday (due to Sandy) and you know what that means! Campus-wide refusal to do homework! Favorite part of classes being cancelled? Well, that classes are cancelled.. but also the uproar that emerges onto a hall at 11:30 p.m. when the girls realize there are no classes the next day. It hit "Christmas morning" on the excitement-radar Sunday night. Interesting times.

I've written so little in my blog this semester. I'm so ashamed. Sorry to the people who read this, if you're out there. This is not intentional, I assure you. I blame college.

In other news, my dorm is being torn down. Maybe this surprises you readers, but it shouldn't (and it shouldn't surprise me either.. even though I was in shock for a few days) because if God's sending rain for me to trust Him, why not send the hurricane (isn't that appropriate.. oh Sandy) for me to completely depend on Him? This is just another instance where I am required to trust God fully.
Last year, my semester's theme was probably "Making God my first love" and "not allowing people to become an idol." If there's a theme for this semester, it's definitely been TRUSTING God with EVERYTHING- every little measly detail until, one day, the big detail hits, and I'm prepared to trust Him. So I would say this whole, "being kicked out of my home" thing is a low to medium occurrence that will happen in my life where I will need to trust God, and I'm sure that I'll have more dramatic situations in the future. I would rather not think about that now and just focus what He's put in front of me now, no matter how minor it all may seem in the big picture. "But where will we live?" we ask. "Don't know, don't care. How's that?" is the reply. Just kidding.. that's a quote from "The Emperor's New Groove," but ya know. It's a great reference. I couldn't help myself.


So basically. While this has been the most stressful, confusing and frustrating semester probably of my whole college career up until now, this has probably been the best semester of my life due to me being forced to trust God and the growth that has taken place in my life. Really though, trusting God truly does bring peace while bitterness just brings more hurt.


So yeah, that's my update!

Junior Year, You've Arrived with a Vengance

So, this is my first post in a while not focused upon the Lebanon trip. What an incredible month of my life, but it's good to be back in the states. If you read the Lebanon posts, you now know that I am experiencing the newness of RA this year. I just arrived last week and it's already crazy... and I know this is just the beginning. Once classes start... oh man.

So what's been happening so far now that I've moved back into school?
- Making the hall look pretty
- Making our room look homey so girls on the hall aren't scared of us
- Getting a ton of training crammed into a couple of days
- Moving in freshman (one of the most fun things ever!)
- Getting to know the girls that will be on our leadership team
- Getting to know my partner/ roommate better
- Getting to know the brother & sister dorm leadership
- Having one last hoorah with my partner and one of our Spiritual Life Directors .. dinner & shopping before we are locked on the hall until classes start.
- Being locked in our room (to be here to move students in) for about a week..
- A LOT of trusting God

That about sums it up.

At the moment, I have some down time, which is really nice. So why this blog post? To be quite honest, this post is mostly for my sister and my parents since finding a time to talk to them and tell them about everything has been ridiculous, but if you are interested in reading this, by all means, read away! =)

In general, I'm really excited about this position. This is definitely going to be one of those positions that I have to FULLY rely on God in every single decision or situation to give me wisdom, strength and, well.. just basic knowledge. There's a lot. I was a little bit overwhelmed with all of the logistics at first, but once we started meeting girls and moving freshman in, it calmed me down a lot and made me see how worth it this will be. God is just very good. I know this will be a major tester of my faith this year, but it will be good. God will definitely stretch me and growth is inevitable. I can't believe this is my official "I'm a junior" post though. It's definitely a new year with extremely new experiences, but that's good. I have mixed feelings regarding the major changes, but God has it under control. He just does. I know that even though I may feel as though I can't make it any longer, He will get me through it. He never puts us in situations that we can't handle, and I am comforted by that. So, now I can look back to this post when I'm totally freaking out and about to pull my hair out so that I can be reminded that God put me here, and He'll bring me through.

Life and Lessons from 1 Samuel

I haven't posted in quite awhile, mostly because I have so much to write that I'm almost not even sure where to start. Every time I attempt to start a post, I just get overwhelmed and stop.
So this is me attempting again.

I'm currently home on spring break, which is absolutely glorious. It's always beautiful to be home and spend much needed time with my family. It's always good to be home.
The past two weeks have been so insane, every day bringing a new, original situation and circumstance. This year I have been a frequent gym-goer, but the past two weeks I literally spent every spare moment on assignments, studying for midterms and SLD (Spiritual Life Director) interviews.
After many SLD interviews, intense praying, extreme discouragement and many moments with God, God finally gave me an extreme peace and joy about one specific hall, the hall that will be my home next semester.

That whole process was definitely straining, begging God to make it clear on what hall and with what leadership team I will be most affective. Every hall I interviewed with was solid and the RAs were great, but at the end of the interview- no peace. It wasn't until my 5th interview that God brought on an intense peace and complete joy. I have no idea what is in store for the rest of the semester and for my junior year, but knowing God, there will be a lot of growing, learning and stretching involved. I absolutely am excited to see what God will do, and I just pray that I can be used for His glory in any way possible.

Some things I've been learning in my spiritual life?
Well, I have been reading through 1 Samuel, which has been incredible. God has been teaching me so much about what it means to be a true leader and servant and what He expects of us as believers in Him. I'm just going to hit on the two bigger lessons I've been learning, or else this would end up being a novel. So let's get going, since we're all here and this is obviously one of my lengthier blog posts.

1. I Samuel 8 --> Israel demands a King

"Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said, "No, but we will have a king over us, that we also may be like all the nations, and that our king may judge us and go out before us and fight our battles." (vs 19-20)

Before I dive into what God has shown me through this section of the book, let me first give a quick background.
-God is the head of Israel, completely taking care of them.
-Israel keeps falling into idolatry, being unsatisfied with God. Instead of being the outstanding nation God called them to be, they wished to blend in with every other nation.
 Now that we know a little bit of the tone and the environment, we see Israel demanding of God that they have a king. Here are my first thoughts- "...why do you need a king? You already have a King and He is all-powerful and all-knowing." And then I realized something... I do this too.
So often I forget that I have THE King of Kings as my Lord and Savior, and I still end up looking towards humans to fulfill my needs. I seek human love, human approval and human presence, hoping that it will fill me up, when in reality, what I need has and always will be right here- Jesus Christ.
While human leadership can be useful and human love is natural, it fails.
Jesus Christ never misleads and his love never fails.  

2. I Samuel 15 --> Saul Spares King Agag; Saul Rejected as King

"So Samuel said, 'When you were little in your own eyes, were you not head of the tribes of Israel? And did not the LORD anoint you king over Israel?
Now the LORD sent you on a mission, and said, 'Go and utterly destroy the sinners, the Amalekites, and fight against them until they are consumed.'
Why then did you not obey the voice of the LORD? Why did you swoop down on the spoil, and do evil in the sight of the LORD?" (vs 17-19)
..*insert Saul's excuses*... (vs 20-21)
"So Samuel said, 'Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD?
Behold to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams."

At first, Saul served God with the position he was given. In I Samuel 11, Saul is brave, filled with the Spirit, intentional and does what is right. He did not make it about him; he knew it was about GOD (vs 13). Slowly, but surely, he allowed power to corrupt him, seeking self-praise and personal glory.
In this passage, God directly commanded Saul to WIPE OUT all of the Amalekites. All livestock. Everything.
Instead, Saul decides, "Oh hey. I think even though God said to do that.. I think I'm going to just.. keep stuff alive and take it home! FREE GOODIES!!"
So as I read this, I tried to figure out WHY. Here are some "maybes" I came up with:
A. Selfishness
B. He thinks he's smarter than God.
C. Doesn't care
D. Wants to be in control
Obviously, Saul wants to do things his way.
Saul's excuse? "I wanted to serve God. I was going to sacrifice it all to God."
Here's where the "teachable moment" happens in this story- It's all fine and dandy if we serve God, but we must do it GOD's way. God does not find favor in empty sacrifices that go against His will. He wants us to OBEY Him.
Service is great, but when it becomes an idol or an escape from doing what God REALLY wants us to do, it is sin.

I know that in my new position as SLD for next year, I MUST remember that OBEDIENCE is better than sacrifice. Service must be done God's way. On top of that, I cannot look to men to lead me and satisfy me, but only GOD is the true King of Kings in my life.

Reminiscing the Ranch

I wrote this article on the train ride back from camp this summer, but as usual forgot to finish it. Thankfully, I stumbled upon it when looking through my documents.

Here's a little summary of my El Rancho de Paz experiences. Enjoy!

What were my feelings coming into camp? Extreme fear. With no idea of what to expect, no prior experience, and a rush of the unknown, my entire being told me that I wouldn’t be able to handle being a counselor at El Rancho de Paz. Yet, while the physical told me I would be unable, the spiritual assured me that God was bringing me here for a reason, and He wouldn’t leave me to face the summer alone (which would be a recurring theme in my life this summer).
            What are my feelings now that the summer has come to a close? Absolute awe. In the words of one of our favorite camp songs, “I stand to praise You as I fall on my knees.” God proves faithful over and over, and this summer God’s faithfulness exceeded my expectations beyond the imagination.
            As the summer began, staff training definitely broke off a lot of the initial fears of camp regarding staff unity and camp dynamics. I was immediately comforted by the fact that the rest of the staff was just as crazy and weird as I was, and that their passion for God and people went above and beyond my expectations. The summer continued, and I never ceased to learn, though much of the time I did not willingly volunteer the lessons upon myself. I was forced to try some camp activities that I would normally avoid in a day in the life of Lena (such as paintball, climbing the tower, and fire building), and by the end of the summer, I can venture to say, I even enjoyed these activities.

            Many of the occurrences that I assured myself would be the death of me ended up being the most outrageously fun experiences I have had since I was little tyke, or maybe even ever. Although many of my fellow staff members may have started off with the assumption that many of the activities weren’t a big deal for me, my family and friends from back home were shocked, and maybe even appalled at the fact that I would, God forbid, stomp through a pond of mud with middle school girls, or go on a “toad hike” in the woods with junior-aged campers, catching toads like warriors and singing to them like friends.

One of my favorite memories from LIT week was our “rebellious” attempt to sneak out after lights out and go for a late night swim, mysteriously sifting through the bunkhouse doors two at a time, crawling behind the bunkhouse like secret agents, and darting towards the pool like we were to have the last swim of our lives. Wonderfully enough, since my campers had no idea that I’m not a natural rule-breaker, I convinced the girls that if we were caught, I would most definitely, without-a-doubt get fired; this of course added an extra measure of fear and intensity to the situation. As Mr. Steve “caught” us in the pool, I will never forget the girls’ reactions which started out as expressions of fear and remorse, slowly transforming to laughter and the beauty of the fact that they had been “punk’d.” This was definitely an incident I will always remember, as I’m sure will all the LIT ladies.

            While I enjoyed most of the camp activities, the experiences which I will remember and re-tell for the rest of my life are the ones involving the spiritual growth in campers, staff, and myself, which I was blessed enough to witness and sometimes be used in. While at El Rancho de Paz, I saw campers open up their hearts to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw teenaged girls, broken in their insecurities and past experiences, pouring out their hearts and breaking through their self-built barriers (myself included). I witnessed the sanctuary that El Rancho acts as in the lives of many, and the impact one camp can have in the hearts and souls of children, teenagers, and young adults of all different backgrounds, experiences, personalities, and ages.  

            All throughout the summer, each week seemed to bring different trials and life-lessons to the table, growing both the campers and the staff as a whole. The last week in particular (junior-middle), I was blessed enough to experience first-hand three middle school girls in my group accepting Christ and two rededicating their lives to Christ. To the rest of the world, five exists as a minor number in comparison to the millions of teenagers in the world, or even to the hundreds of campers El Rancho de Paz receives every summer, but to me, these five girls’ decisions may very well have been the most incredible, beautiful experiences I have ever witnessed in my own personal life.

            I thank God for the people I got to know, the lessons I got to learn, and the situations I got to experience. El Rancho de Paz opened a new window in my mind, not only teaching me about God’s creation but also about life through the drastically diverse people I came in contact with. I do believe that The Ranch has left a permanent mark on my life, and I know that I will carry with me every moment experienced during the summer of 2011 at El Rancho. God is good, and that is all there is to it.

Wake me up when September ends....

I feel as though I start every single blog post with, "it's been one of those weeks." So, in order to avoid this cliche, yet true statement, I fear that all I can say is... it's been one of those semesters. Yes, an entire semester has been one of "those." One of change, challenges, decisions, emotions, and major growth. 
I don't know about anyone else, but does it seem like it's been September for FOREVER? I literally find myself relating to the song, "Wake Me Up when September Ends."


Among the trials and lessons learned this week, my eyes have definitely been opened to little blessings that God has placed in my life, and simply just reasons.
How to know God has a sense of humor: Oh, He gives you exactly what you ask for, but in the most random, original, and slightly abstract way.
Here are some basic conversations that I had with God this week:

Me: "Lord.. why do You give me people to minister to who don't even want to be ministered to and don't really care whether I'm in their lives or not?"
God: "Uh, cause you asked to be used by Me, even if it's not easy? ... duh."
Me: "...oh...right."

Me: "Lord.. why are there people who under appreciate my service for them or simply do not want me to serve them?"
God: "...because you said you wanted to be more like Me, and you treat me that way all the time."
Me: ".....oh."

Me: "Why do you let me embarrass myself in public?..."
God: "...I don't force you to say/do anything. I simply made you unique."

God has also placed amazing friends in my life this semester who have encouraged me more spiritually than I could ever have imagined, and such blessings have definitely gotten me through this month. So, shout out to Sydney.. the girl who I just have gotten to know this year, and who's already gone above and beyond to be an amazing friend! Thankful for her! Also thankful for my other fantastic, godly friends who have stuck with me since last year... appreciate you guys more than ever <3.

Totally different side note...
Lately, I feel like the leadership on this campus have been under spiritual attack... cause I mean, logically, who else would Satan go after? If he can get the leadership down spiritually, he can get the rest of the campus down spiritually. Something crazy: Satan can't beat us.
SPOILER ALERT: Satan loses in the end. We're on God's side.. AKA, we win. Hands down.

It's amazing how my own insecurities, Satan's lies, and society in general can so easily convince me that I'm a failure. Well.. here's a little note to myself, to Satan, and to the world: sorry, but you can't tear down someone who has an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, all-perfect God as their SAVIOR. Booya. *Insert snapping in Z-formation here* 

Alright, now I feel like I've ranted on this for long enough.
Now to get through another week.. THUMBS UP, LET'S DO THIS! (and God bless!)

THUMBS UP, Let's do this!

Tonight our entire leadership team met as a group and played games, chilled, ate, and just shared our hearts and prayed for the first time this year as our whole leadership team.

There is something so incredibly powerful about a group of women with the same vision and goals, just sitting down and fervently praying together for unity and wisdom as a hall. I just cannot even wait to see how God will work this year, and I know that whatever He does , it will completely exceed any possible expectations that exist in my mind, as always.

I'm really struggling to faithfully read my Bible for a long period of time right now, but I'm frantically striving to get back into the habit. I know that I need God's Word, and it's amazing how dry and empty I feel when I'm lacking time with God. The part the scares me the most is how much more it will impact me when the year has actually gotten going, I have a prayer group to lead, and I get even busier with actual classes. My prayer right now is for extreme discipline regarding time management..
It's going to be difficult, but God has me here, so He won't give me something more than I can handle.

Freshmen.arrive.tomorrow.
Feelings? Mostly just excitement. Time to pull out the hospitable big sister card! Seriously cannot wait.
Dreading? Carrying heavy boxes that I really cannot carry in order to not give a selfish first impression to the new students. That and being on lockdown in the hall for 8 house.

SLEEP.