Fried Brain Tomatoes

It's been an intense year, but my classes have finally come to a close.
And by finally, I mean, "Wow, that one year of classes felt like about forty years in the wilderness."
No really. I read Exodus for half of this semester, and it all started to make sense.
(Please realize that this is all exaggeration.. it really was not that bad...)

I think back to last semester when I thought News Writing was a lot of work and then I laugh as I think about Investigative Reporting this semester. But it's over. And I nailed the class, so I'm ok.
I can tell you right now that I have never been more satisfied with or proud of an A in my entire life.

...I literally just stopped thinking for a few minutes. Just now. That's how exhausted my mind is. I'm not even sure how words are coming out of my mouth right now.. or out of my fingers. I don't even know right now.

Even beyond school, this has been one of those physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing years of my life. I haven't really even had time to process it all.
When I do though.. oh be ready. It will be written about.
I've already begun the documenting process of life as an RA. So far all I have is how I first got pulled up to RA while in Lebanon (those of you who have followed my blog got to be a part of all of that craziness).
I'm not sure where to begin, but I suppose that's my project for the 13 hour drive home on Sunday.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it when it's done.
Probably just keep it in the chest in my room with all of the rest of my million journals. And maybe I'll reference it when I need to know how to deal with interesting people or really bizarre situations that involve people in bathrobes.
That's another story for another time.

This year. My mind is just mush from it all.
I'm convinced that everyone and anyone who has met me within the last month of school thinks I'm an air-headed, mindless individual.
Sorry, folks. If only I could somehow explain to you how completely fried my being is, then I would.
Actually, let me try.
My being is so fried that walking to the bathroom takes mental motivation.
My being is so fried that I forget to chew my food and simply swallow (no, this is not a joke).
My being is so fried that I forgot my last name the other day.
My being is so fried that I become even more awkward that I already am.
My being is so fried that the South's chicken dishes would be put to shame.
My being is so fried that I could pass for dead. But I'm not dead, so that's good.

I long for the day when I can think abstractly again. I see that day soon, but it hides beneath a canopy shaped like New England. And once I am rejuvenated in all that is Northern, I will be able to face another year in the South with strength and swift movement.

I'm just going to stop typing...

To the Talented and Planning Awkward Couple- Subco Edition

Oh, awkward couple who I saw while in line for a sub, I promised you a blog post because I did not just see you once, but twice in the span of three days being awkward (both times in the same place, might I add).
[In honor of you, I will scatter various pictures of awkward couples around this blog post].

Flower Power

Same awkwardness, same place, around the same time?
That, my awkward friends, takes talent to accomplish. Or maybe skillful planning.
Possibly a mixture of both.

Planned, talented awkward couple soup.

Adventure-seeking couple

Now, let's take a look at the planned and talent portions of the blog post:

PLANNED:
- Happening to somehow manage to be the exact amount of people in front of me in line (both times).
- Happening to be in line for the same meal both times at around the same time.
- Happening to partake of the same awkward actions both times:

• pinching each other and giggling (pain is so cute)
• rubbing each others sides (sometimes, if you rub their side just right, they might do a trick)
• poking noses (..they may as well throw in some baby talk too)
• stroking hair (I just have nothing to say about this)
• gazing into each others eyes (because what is more romantic than standing in line for a sandwich?)

World's Best Dad

TALENT:
- Happening to be equally awkward both times.
- Happening to be awkward enough to catch my attention both times.
- Happening to not let go of each others hands the entire time
(Seriously though, props to you, folks! That takes intense focus and extreme perseverance. It should be an Olympic sport...)
- Happening to be so awkward both times that you won yourself your very own blog post.

"Everything else is black and white, except for our bond."

So, couple, well done at achieving your own blog post!
You have accomplished both talent and excellent planning. Be proud. Be very proud.

Also, thank you for allowing me to take part in your special moments before I ate, and not after.

If you can't change it, let it go.

Despite the finals coming up, I have been extremely peaceful in regards to all of my school work these days. Thinking about this makes me realize how much God has changed me over the past few years of my life. During the high school days, if it was finals week my heart would be racing, the world would be ending and my nerves would almost be up to par with Mrs. Bennett's (and everyone would reply with a "I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."). (Please tell me you caught my Pride and Prejudice reference..)

"Have you no consideration for my poor nerves!?"

But as life has passed and I realized how miniscule many of these "stress producers" were, my life has changed quite drastically for the better.

I honestly trace this whole attitude change back to freshman year (of college). I attribute the whole mindset alteration to my lovely roommate at the time, Kaytee. (Yeah, I was that freshman who freaked out about English 101). Every time I would have a meltdown over one of my two page papers (hahah.. now I laugh..), Kaytee would tell me to calm down, get over it and just do it. And she was right. When I would stress about a grade I got and be extremely disappointed, she would tell me that if I couldn't change it, it was time to move on. And she was right. Somewhere along the way, her words clicked in my mind.

"If you can't change it or can't do anything about it, why stress out?"
"All you can do is your best, but don't let this ruin your life."

Back then, I always felt like she was being insensitive and didn't really understand.
Now, I am so thankful for the lesson she taught me and the way it helped me to grow. The Lord has put so many people in my life to teach me seemingly simple lessons and grow me in seemingly simple ways. I do believe that this lesson, however miniscule it seems, changed my perspective on life forever.

Honestly, this year has probably been the most intense year of my college career.. and maybe in my life in general, in regards to my walk with God. Yet, despite the intensity of this year, I was probably the most at peace I have ever been in my life. I owe that all to the Lord for allowing me to let go of that stressful perspective I once had and hold on to His truths and focus on eternity.
The Lord has stretched me in ways I never expected, pushed me in ways I never wanted and used me in ways I never deserved.
I am so thankful to the Lord for every lesson He has put in my life thus far, and I am looking forward to (and to be honest, extremely terrified of) whatever God will bring my way in the future. I am so incredibly encouraged by my sisters and brothers in Christ and the way they challenge my walk with God.

So anyway, I guess the point is, if you're stressed over whatever, ask yourself these things:
1. Can you change it? If so, how? If not, then let it go.
2. Are you in control of this situation? If so, take responsibility and just get it done. If not, give it up.
3. Will this impact eternity? Either way, why are you stressing? God is in control. (which is honestly the answer to everything...)
4. Will this matter one year from now? If not, chill out.

21 and the Best Birthday Yet

So this may in fact have been the best birthday ever. That may be a really generous statement, but as far as my memory recalls, today trumps the rest.

After a slightly trying week, God blessed me with the most lovely, uplifting day, and on my birthday, mind you. What I kind God I serve =).

Last night I stayed up until midnight and rang in the 21st birthday with a reading of the January 16 (birthday) "Jesus Calling," devotional, along with the Proverb of the day (Proverbs 16) which was incredible, as usual. I then went to bed, hoping to sleep in, but ended up being wide awake at 6:30 a.m. which I considered a wake up call from Jesus. So, finally by 7 a.m. I decided to start my 21st birthday off the right way in prayer to my Savior. So I had a good time talking to Jesus =). Best person to start my birthday off with! I then read Ephesians 4 which is absolutely INCREDIBLE. And I need to reread it over and over. And so do you.

So, after my time with Jesus, I was able to talk to my beautiful parents and siblings, which was awesome as usual. They wished me a Happy Birthday and said sweet things, and they made me even more thankful for them than I already am.

I then got to enjoy a delicious blueberry pancake and fruit breakfast with my SLD, Loren, thanks to the mini rot's yummy food! Off we went to convocation where I got to sit with all of my lovely Dorm 2 ladies and see some friends from the brother dorm. Oh, I need not leave out that Towns graced us with his presence in convocation as well, which is always very interesting. It's almost like Jimmy Stewart was there for my birthday!

So after convo, enjoyed a lovely Developmental Psychology class with another birthday girl, Grace-Anna, and it was fantastic. After class, had lunch with one of my very close friends and former roommates, Carla, and she gave me the most elegant cameo broach. She knows me so well! Then on to my interesting "Announcing" class which involves us talking like television and radio professionals and is very humorous.

Once classes were over, I met up with two of my very good friends Heather and Andrew, and so our adventures began for the day. Off we went, to random places by random modes of transportation. Actually, just to North campus on a wet bus (it's been raining all week). Andrew shared a disgusting and disturbing story about an awkward couple he observed, but I will spare you from despair and not share the story. I literally gagged, so that was memorable.Wet buses are disgusting, by the way.
So, to North we went to retrieve packages (yay birthday gifts from my Mama!) and things and to enjoy some intense games of Ping Pong (which Heather cheated at numerous times. Just kidding. Kind of). After our tournaments, Heather and Andrew rushed me to dinner, which at the time I had no idea why. Little did I know, these sneaky folks had invited a few of my good friends to go to dinner to celebrate my birthday. So we went, and they distracted me with toys until everyone arrived.

The beverage of choice on my 21st birthday? Water with lemon, and proud of it.

After dinner with these lovely folks, I came back to the new hotel-dorm which has newly been occupied by my lovely residents. Boxes everywhere, wet randomness, chaos. You name it. So much entertainment! A few crazy occurrences on the hall... sicknesses, broken doors, missing drapes, moving shenanigans. Just all around adventure. 
 My hallmates then began singing "Happy Birthday" to me as I walked down the hall, gave me flowers, a card, a picture of the hall folks and a delicious turtle cake. Such sweet, kind-hearted people on my hall =). Thank you to my sweet roommate for working so hard to make today special, even though we didn't get to see each other very much!

The last hour of my birthday was spent with my lovely Developmental Psych friend (who shares my birthday), Grace-Anna. The turtle cake could not be eaten alone, so we had a little birthday party together in the lobby of our hotel-dorm, ate cake and drank Diet Coke.

What a day.
So incredibly thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life who show me so much love always.

Also, indescribably thankful to my Jesus for blessing me with such people and such a day to remember =).

Thanks everyone for your love and care for me! I didn't expect any of it, nor did I deserve it.
I'm blessed by you all <3.

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

And now for a short message to all the teens in the house...

So I've been thinking about the teenaged years. "Why would you relive such horrid times?" you may be wondering. Well, you know, even though high school was not my most treasured time in life, I must admit that I had some incredible experiences in high school. And by incredible, I mean, horrible to go through but extremely life-changing and necessary.

So, as I ponder the not-so-distant years of being a teen, I just remember how HARD it is to be one. We give high-schoolers WAY less credit than they deserve.

Seriously though.

Middle school/ High school = Finding out who you are + people telling you who to be + you trying to be who they want you to be + horrible math classes + very little freedom + thinking about the future and eventual adulthood + dramatic peers + crazy emotions and hormones + discovering how intense your emotions can be + figuring out how to balance your emotions with logic + not quite being an adult but becoming one.

I mean, COME ON. Not even Bill Gates wants to solve that equation.

My heart goes out to middle-schoolers and high-schoolers. So much vulnerability, so much willingness to be molded, but so many voices calling out to them, telling them what to be.

Well, to all my friends in this age range, you are respected, admired and felt with. The years may never seem to end, and it may seem you never will make it out alive but hey- I'm still breathing.

I've only been out of high school for 3 years and out of teenhood for 2, but those years weighed so heavy, that leaving them behind meant REALLY leaving them behind and never looking back. But, once you're out, you're out. And you feel like a superhero because you made it through years of dramatic, emotional individuals who spur on crazy drama and emotions out of you that you didn't know existed.
(Spoiler: They always existed. Everyone else seems to be the problem, but you want the reality? You're the problem. We all are. Sin is. This feeling is never really something anyone actually grows out of. Everything is always "someone else's problem.")

Anyway, don't ever let older people make you feel like your life is easy, because it's not. Every stage of life is messy, and the teenaged years happen to be the messy part of life in which you don't actually know who you are (which makes it all the more confusing). You truly are a superhero. Keep pushing through!

Ask God for wisdom, trust Him always, love Him more than anything or anyone, and never look to a human being to satisfy you. Seek guidance from those who are willing to help you, especially ones who have been where you've been before, but stay away from advice that will turn you away from Jesus. He is your priority, and the only way to make it through the brutality of teenhood is through His GRACE.

That is all =).

Sunny days, white gloves & tryptophan

So, it finally happened. Finals are over. The rain cloud above my head seemed to finally go away and the sun decided it was its turn to keep me company. Who knew the sky was blue behind those grey distractions?

What's left? Well.. now to clean the entire room. By tomorrow. It's ok though. Maybe I'll find all of the things I lost this year (once I have the capability of sharing these stories, you better believe I will, but until then, you all shall be left in suspense). Maybe I'll find golden treasures beneath the surface of my mound of stuff. It's amazing how much stuff I have that I don't need. I mean really.. who needs that pink striped ribbon that's in my desk or the knitting kit that's been in the box since last Christmas (sorry Grace.. I'm really going to use it this winter, I promise).

So anyway, once the room is clean, then awaits the RA banquet. Not really sure what to expect for that, but I suppose it will be like most college events- forced fun. Hip hip HIZZAH. Wow, I'm a bad sport, but I feel as though my readiness to be home overcomes any sense of friend-making abilities I currently possess. I don't know about everyone else, but the adventurous side of me got sleepy ever since I consumed unhealthy amounts of tryptophan (I'm thankful for... TURKEY)! That's right. About three weeks of comatose adventurousness. And I'm not even sad. It's just been one of those semesters.

But yeah... then Friday will be an entire day of seclusion ... JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED. In case you couldn't tell, that was sarcasm. Obviously being in isolation for 24 hours is the most cruel punishment for an extrovert.
However, amongst finals, I have definitely not given God the time He deserves in my life, so maybe this day of solidarity silence will be a great time to have some time with Jesus!
YAY JESUS TIME!

Wow this is the most A.D.D. post. I guess all of my posts are pretty A.D.D. though... I don't even know if people read them. Whoever reads these posts must be pretty patient....
I would accuse finals of being the culprit of my current insanity, but we all know that writers are really just this weird. Actually, I can't even attribute my weirdness to being a writer. I'm just a weird person.

So now that we've all come to the conclusion that I'm weird, I'm going to end this post. Hopefully my next post will be less random and more filled with substance.

In the beginning (3rd grade)...

Reading through old stories, poems and journals I have written is absolutely PRIME.

If you want a good laugh, read a story written by an 8 year old about a haunted bathroom stall.
The story involves lots of exclamation points, a hidden romance that the reader doesn't know about (the author knew though.. oh the author knew..), an extensive use of the word "Yikes" and many trap doors that lead no where.

Yes, that is an accurate portrayal of the story I wrote 13 years ago. I hold the hard copy in my hand at this very moment, illustrations created on "Paint" and all. My use of quotation marks is a little bit embarrassing, but I'd say for an eight-year-old, my grammar was pretty impressive.
Well done, 3rd grade teacher! I may have disliked you deeply but at least I knew my grammar!

Oh man, 3rd grade. The days when cubbies were where we stuck our backpacks, we cleaned down our desks with shaving cream, recess involved barbies, cops & robbers and tire swings, and my crush was the "popular boy" .. the one with the spikey hair and cool sneakers.
Yeah, third grade. My first steps as a writer. I mean, I haven't even published a book since then ;] (yes, I sold that baby to lots of folks.. $.50 to each person, I made a pretty hefty paycheck of $5).
It's amazing to see what little interests God gave me growing up that have led to deciding what my major in college would be and what steps He made me take to prepare myself for whatever it is my future holds.

Who knew that 13 years later, I would be at college with friends that I knew since 4th grade and that our dreams would be unfolding all at the same time. Remember those days when 20 seemed so far away? The days when 20-year-olds seemed like scary adults who had it all together and knew life? Well the day has arrived. Except we don't have life all together and we're pretty far from ever really KNOWING life. We just pretend. Either way, now is the time we've dreamed of... so let's make it count.
I don't know what to do with this writing obsession of mine, but something's going to come of it. The question is what. If it's just my famous (haha.. famous among 3rd graders and my grandma) bathroom-stall story, then I guess that's fine, because it's brought a lot of laughs (someday I'll post it on here for you all to LOL at. It's just not the same outside of it's original form and Paint illustrations to go with it, though).

I pray that God will use this desire He's placed in me for something He wants and that anything I write touches the heart of at least one person. I guess we'll find out.
Until then, I'm going to keep writing.

Hurricanes

There were no classes on Monday (due to Sandy) and you know what that means! Campus-wide refusal to do homework! Favorite part of classes being cancelled? Well, that classes are cancelled.. but also the uproar that emerges onto a hall at 11:30 p.m. when the girls realize there are no classes the next day. It hit "Christmas morning" on the excitement-radar Sunday night. Interesting times.

I've written so little in my blog this semester. I'm so ashamed. Sorry to the people who read this, if you're out there. This is not intentional, I assure you. I blame college.

In other news, my dorm is being torn down. Maybe this surprises you readers, but it shouldn't (and it shouldn't surprise me either.. even though I was in shock for a few days) because if God's sending rain for me to trust Him, why not send the hurricane (isn't that appropriate.. oh Sandy) for me to completely depend on Him? This is just another instance where I am required to trust God fully.
Last year, my semester's theme was probably "Making God my first love" and "not allowing people to become an idol." If there's a theme for this semester, it's definitely been TRUSTING God with EVERYTHING- every little measly detail until, one day, the big detail hits, and I'm prepared to trust Him. So I would say this whole, "being kicked out of my home" thing is a low to medium occurrence that will happen in my life where I will need to trust God, and I'm sure that I'll have more dramatic situations in the future. I would rather not think about that now and just focus what He's put in front of me now, no matter how minor it all may seem in the big picture. "But where will we live?" we ask. "Don't know, don't care. How's that?" is the reply. Just kidding.. that's a quote from "The Emperor's New Groove," but ya know. It's a great reference. I couldn't help myself.


So basically. While this has been the most stressful, confusing and frustrating semester probably of my whole college career up until now, this has probably been the best semester of my life due to me being forced to trust God and the growth that has taken place in my life. Really though, trusting God truly does bring peace while bitterness just brings more hurt.


So yeah, that's my update!

Unrequited Love

To be completely honest, the position of RA has quickly (and easily) sunk me into a place of loneliness. To constantly pour love and care into everyone else but not be loved and cared for in return can become extremely draining, especially when that is expected to be the norm for you. I think I understand now what it's like to be a mom.

I know I'm not a mom and don't truly know what it all consists of, but I have been thinking about how amazing mothers are- mine in particular. Just like the position I'm in now, mothers are expected to love and to give. As a child, I always just assumed my mother would cook meals for me, help me with whatever it is I needed help with at the exact moment I needed help, love me when I needed to be loved and listen to all of my problems. Even throughout my teenager years and early adulthood I've had this sort of mindset- until this week. It's a painful thing to be put under those expectations and yet not receive any of those same luxuries in return. Maybe this is overly sentimental, but I truly appreciate my mother now. Mom, thank you for loving me and taking care of me even when you were the one who needed to be loved and taken care of. You are genuinely a priceless jewel.
On a grander scale, I think I've been starting to hit the surface of understanding God's love for us. How hurt he must be when He unconditionally loves us and ultimately sacrificed everything so that we could be set free for something we didn't deserve and don't appreciate.

Salvation. So incredibly under-appreciated.

Jesus, thank you for loving me even when I don't live my life in a way that loves you. I can't even fully comprehend the love that Jesus Christ has for us, but I think He's teaching me the basics of His love. Unrequited love. One-sided sacrifice. Care that is given and not received.

So to actually get to my point...  
Jesus Christ did not love expecting something in return.
Jesus Christ came to love and save because He is GOOD.
Jesus Christ healed, but didn't expect anyone to dab his gruesome, bloody wounds after He was beaten and nailed to a cross.
Jesus Christ just LOVED. He just did, because that's who He is.
Jesus ministered to people because He felt compassion, not because He expected them to care when He was hanging on a tree for their sins and abandoned by all of his friends.
He knew how He would be treated in the end. He knew, and yet He still LOVED and CARED.

As believers, we are not called to love with expectations. We are just called to LOVE.
We are not called to care for others so that maybe in some alternative universe others would also care for us. We are just called to CARE. We're not called to expect, but to pour out. I am not responsible for the way anyone else loves (or lacks love), but I am, however, responsible to fulfill what Christ calls me to do.
Love won't always be reciprocated and care won't always be requited, but that's ok.
The only one who can truly fill us up is Jesus Christ, and that's thing- He always does. We are never in it alone. Ever. We never have to love out of our own strength, because HE is our strength. Without Him, we know no love.

Jesus Christ is our endless supply of love.

To the Awkward Couples: Junior Year Edition

As we begin a new year in college, I feel as though it is duly owed to every individual in the "young adult" population that I, once again, address the "awkward couples," as I like to call them.
So here it is. The first (and probably not last) awkward couple blog post of junior year. I actually don't think I posted one sophomore year, so this is ok.

I'm just going to share some tips for all of you who just radiate awkwardness in your relationships:

1. It's ok to hand-hold, but when hand-holding must be done to get to places like, say, the bathroom, there's an issue. I think you can let go for a second. Just a second. You'll be ok.
2. I wonder if you know that church is a place of worship, not cuddling. Yeah, that's right. I went there. Cuddling. Don't act like you don't know.. you know. When the Bible talks about "fellowship amongst believers," I guarantee that's not what it meant. 
3.  Specifically to the "first week of school couple" out there (you know who you are): make sure not to start naming your future children yet. 
4. Gazing into each others eyes is romantic in chick flicks, but when you switch the setting to reality and in a cafeteria, the romantic vibe just.. flees. I'm sorry, but meatloaf from the dining hall is just not "candle-light dinner" worthy.
5. Feeding each other. Just don't do it.
6. Always remember, there are other people in the room, too.. and you're making them uncomfortable. I'm glad you're happy, but it's not always about you and how happy you are. There are other people who exist in this world, and they too must breathe the same air and enjoy the same earth.
7. It's ok to not have a class together. I know you won't be able to pass cutesy notes back and forth while the teacher lectures on single celled organisms, but you will survive. Maybe you won't get to have thrilling study dates in the library (where you can continue to make more students feel awkward), but it will be ok. I promise it will. 
8. The longer you say goodbye before your class, the harder it will be. Just let go of those hands, bid adieu and learn about things other than your significant other's favorite type of taco.
9. Twitter is not the place to have extensive conversations back and forth about how much you love each other. It's good to love each other, just not over twitter.. for everyone to see.. and to be spammed by. It's just not fun to be spammed by other people's cupid-shot conversations.
10. As you loom awkwardly in the darkness, just remember, that I am an RA now.. and I'm gonna find you. Just kidding. But seriously. This post should express the extreme lack of appreciation I have for awkward couples... so don't go asking for trouble. I believe this warning was given fairly in advance.

That is all. For now.

Junior Year, You've Arrived with a Vengance

So, this is my first post in a while not focused upon the Lebanon trip. What an incredible month of my life, but it's good to be back in the states. If you read the Lebanon posts, you now know that I am experiencing the newness of RA this year. I just arrived last week and it's already crazy... and I know this is just the beginning. Once classes start... oh man.

So what's been happening so far now that I've moved back into school?
- Making the hall look pretty
- Making our room look homey so girls on the hall aren't scared of us
- Getting a ton of training crammed into a couple of days
- Moving in freshman (one of the most fun things ever!)
- Getting to know the girls that will be on our leadership team
- Getting to know my partner/ roommate better
- Getting to know the brother & sister dorm leadership
- Having one last hoorah with my partner and one of our Spiritual Life Directors .. dinner & shopping before we are locked on the hall until classes start.
- Being locked in our room (to be here to move students in) for about a week..
- A LOT of trusting God

That about sums it up.

At the moment, I have some down time, which is really nice. So why this blog post? To be quite honest, this post is mostly for my sister and my parents since finding a time to talk to them and tell them about everything has been ridiculous, but if you are interested in reading this, by all means, read away! =)

In general, I'm really excited about this position. This is definitely going to be one of those positions that I have to FULLY rely on God in every single decision or situation to give me wisdom, strength and, well.. just basic knowledge. There's a lot. I was a little bit overwhelmed with all of the logistics at first, but once we started meeting girls and moving freshman in, it calmed me down a lot and made me see how worth it this will be. God is just very good. I know this will be a major tester of my faith this year, but it will be good. God will definitely stretch me and growth is inevitable. I can't believe this is my official "I'm a junior" post though. It's definitely a new year with extremely new experiences, but that's good. I have mixed feelings regarding the major changes, but God has it under control. He just does. I know that even though I may feel as though I can't make it any longer, He will get me through it. He never puts us in situations that we can't handle, and I am comforted by that. So, now I can look back to this post when I'm totally freaking out and about to pull my hair out so that I can be reminded that God put me here, and He'll bring me through.

The little things are really the big things.

You know those moments that hit you when you realize how truly blessed you are? I've recently had one of those moments. It's easy to take people and opportunities for granted, but I am trying my hardest to thank God for the little things daily, because the little things really are the big things.

As I prepare for my trip, I realize how blessed I am to be able to go on this trip. I am truly thankful for those who God led to assist me with the funds for the trip without my even asking. I am so proud to say that God provided every single penny for the trip (as He always does)- whether through other people's assistance or through money He allowed me to save up (based on jobs He has provided for me). Nothing really ever is done in my own strength or by my own abilities, if I really break it down. It always points back to Jesus Christ. Jesus is always the protagonist of the story, and my life is just a subplot. Guess we'll see where this story goes throughout the rest of this month, huh?

I am so thankful for the parents who God has provided me with- ones who encourage me to serve Christ, whether the world tilts their head in confusion at my actions or not. They're always such godly supports and never discourage me from doing what God is calling me to do (even when the situations may seem dangerous or odd). They also tell me when certain decisions are necessarily not godly ones and when I need to pray more about a situation. I don't think I could successfully doing anything without their godly advice and encouragement. I'm thankful for parents who listen, who care and who love me for who I am. They may not always agree with me or think I am right, but they love me just the same and do what they can to help me grow. I'm thankful for parents who miss me. I know that sounds selfish, but it's nice to be missed. It's nice to be appreciated for who you are and what you bring to their lives.

I'm thankful for my friends. My sister, my cousins, my church friends and my college friends. 
My sister is the friend who will always be in my life, and for that I am thankful. We're very different in many ways, but we understand each other, too. Most of the time we think exactly the same way, which may be attributed to how we were raised, but I think in general we're just kindred spirits ;]. I am thankful for her and who she is, and I'm thankful for her generosity of love to me. She's a great example of a godly woman.
My cousins will also always be involved in my life, whether we stay active in each other lives in every stage of life or not. As many of the cousins get married, have babies, move away or go to college, it's often difficult to stay in touch constantly, but near or far, we are always friends. We know each other inside and out, which growing up together affects, and it's a great feeling to have people like that in your life as well.
My church friends are sort of like my cousins in that we grew up with each other. Many of us differ from each other, but we always find things in common, especially our common bond of being brothers and sisters in Christ. These are some of the most hilarious people I have ever met, and I enjoy their company so much! Thankful for some godly friends at home to keep me accountable and have some awesome laughs with.
My college friends hold a very special place in my heart. You know, I've never experienced such a wide variety of personalities till I went away to school, and I've really enjoyed it! Who knew I could find other people with similar interests in me, are my age, same sense of humor and who LOVE Jesus?! Didn't even see it coming, I can tell you that. My freshman year roommates, Carla and Kaytee, have become my sisters when I'm over at school and two of my closest friends. Two of my freshman year friends, Sarah and Ariel, have stayed close with me until now and have become two of my best friends as well. I've also made a variety of other awesome friends within my major, on my halls or at the church I attend while I am at school, and I love them all so much! I look forward to the new friends I will make junior year and the old friends I will grow closer to as well.

I am thankful to be able to go to a university, and a godly one at that. I know we always find things to disagree with at places like my school, but we often forget how incredible a place like that university is. Incredible. That's really the only way to describe it.

How blessed I am, and how thankful I should be.

Teachers Gonna Teach

We all have or have had that class that is the bane of our existence. For me, it's ARTS 222.
It's not the material that gets me- the material is actually pretty fun to learn.
However, when you have a teacher who
talks down to you,
belittles you,
doesn't believe in you,
doesn't respect you and
doesn't trust you,
the content of the class tends to get lost in the rest of it.

I hate writing negative posts, but I suppose I would call this a "realist" post. Maybe they're the same thing- I'm not really sure.

To any prospective teachers, this may be useful to you. As a teacher, your students just want to be able to trust you. They respect you (at least at first) and admire your knowledge of whatever it is you are teaching. So, when a student fears coming to talk to you about material due to your negativity, criticism and lack of encouragement, there is a problem. Teachers are to be respectable mentors in their field, not feared dictators, using their knowledge as a belittling factor for those who lack the same skill sets. Isn't that the point of taking a class? To learn? To grow? To feel at least a little bit comfortable in the subject of study by the end of the course?
On the student's part, it is crucial for a student to try. If the student does not try and does not want to learn, the teacher has only so much influence. However, if a students give their best effort and truly wants to learn the material, teachers must EMBRACE it, not manipulate it into fear.
I guess if there's one thing that I've learned from this entire course is the impact a teacher can have on one's learning abilities- whether a negative impact or a positive impact. Both leave a lasting impression of the content of the course and the department of the course.

I have learned that as a human being, I will be teacher, whether on a professional level or just on a social level.
If someday I am a wife/mother, I will teach my kids, and if in the process of attempting to teach them I instill a fear in them in which they are hindered in confronting me to ask questions, I have failed as a teacher.
If I am a manager or am involved in training other employees or workers, I am a teacher. If I treat them as morons, they will feel like morons and never wish to or excel in learning.
No matter who you are or what you do- you influence others. You teach. Do it with finesse and not sandpaper strategies. Don't make it a pulling teeth process, but a simple dental check-up with some helpful cleaning here and there.

That is all.

"You are faithful, God."

This semester is incomparably surpassing last semester. While looking out from normal-people-lenses, one would see my last semester to have been messy, depressing, crazy and lonely.
From Jesus-knows-all-lenses, one can see that while that semester was all of those things, they have framed this semester, so far, to probably be the best semester of my life.

Last semester's lessons on loneliness formed this semester's need for alone time with God.
Last semester's pains with people created this semester's growth of friendships.
Last semester's stresses over schoolwork generated this semester's patterns of taking one assignment at a time patiently and calmly.
Last semester's intense homesickness produced this semester's extreme appreciation for my family.
Last semester's struggle with romantic relationships (or lack there of) molded this semester's intense love for the gift of singleness. (This most definitely has not be a curse, but one of the biggest blessings of my current stage in life- please see..well.. the majority of my blog posts within the last month).
Last semester's discouragements of leadership provided this semester's better understanding of the people God has put in my life and how to minister to them.

So really, in a nutshell, my seemingly negative experiences from last semester allowed this semester to bloom into one beautiful rose.

The semester isn't over yet though.. so that's not to say that God will put more adversities in my path, but because of the past adversities' overall positive effects in my life (specifically having to do with my relationship with God), I say, bring it on!

(I hope I'm not speaking too soon....)

Instances and Occurrences

After a slightly stressful week (that really did not need to be as stressful as I made it), I had one of the best Friday nights in a long time.

Let me back up a bit and describe the interesting stresses of this week.
Instance #1:
I am in a television practicum where every week we create short "what's new around campus" videos that are played once a week in chapel. During class on Wednesday, I was told that I had to film and edit footage for a story. Have I mentioned that I have no videography experience, nor have I taken any videography classes?
I freaked out about this a little. Ok, I freaked out a lot. I may as well admit it now since all of my friends witnessed my sheer panic. I felt so unprepared, inexperienced, incapable, under-educated and well, just plain stupid.
So, I did what I had to do. I rented the camera (a big fancy one that made me realize what a noob I really am), emailed all of the right people and.... didn't film. Why? Because they told me the story I was covering should be covered next month instead. All I can say is, THANK YOU, LORD. (...I know there will be a next time, but we won't think about that right now).
So there you have it, folks. Wasted stress.

Instance #2:
Financial confusion.. and running around campus attempting to mend problems that I didn't even understand. In fact, I probably would not have known they were problems had not my dad inspired me with a "...if you want to stay in college," line. Just kidding; he didn't do that. But you know.

Instance #3:
These classes are hard. Why am I in college again? To be educated or to be humiliated? Maybe humiliation is part of education. I mean, hey, I usually remember exactly what I learn from embarrassing situations. Let's just say I prayed that my pride would be kept down, and God is following through. In a design class full of creative people, I have no pride. I have confusion. Confusion drizzled with a little bit of frustration and a lot of embarrassment. In a Philosophy class, confusion also is a prominent emotion. I feel as though that is one of my most felt emotions in my life... I'm not sure what that means for me regarding the rest of my life, but whoever is going to be my future husband better have some patience on him.


So what occurred this Friday night to create such a relaxing, joyful day?

God and all of the amazing people He has put in my life.

After class today, I ate lunch with a group of hilarious friends, picked up the gigantic camera and met up with my RA/friend. We talked. And by "talk," I mean crammed about eight different in-depth conversations into about an hour and a half. That's skill right there.

After that (and freaking out some more about the television practicum), I headed over to the gym with a couple of friends where I finally hit the 3 mile mark in 35 min. on the elliptical, which, no matter how hard I have tried, I have not accomplished yet (until today)! So that was exciting. I realize that for the rest of the world, this is not that exciting, but for a girl who hates running, this is a phenomena.

Came back to the dorm and had a 30 minute conversation with my sister on the phone, solely spoken in broken Arabic. Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do when it comes to having a private conversation while on a campus where it is impossible to be alone. So that was fun.

Went to my school's hockey game with some friends, where my friend Ashley and I danced to every single song that came on. Yeah, we're those people.
Went and saw "Courageous" at the dollar theater which was absolutely amazing. Go watch it.


So there it is.

First Week Back

So.. what has been new in my life? Well, God is faithful, but that's not really new. He always is.
The first week of classes has almost been completed.

What has occurred/is occurring during this momentous time in my life?
1. I am twenty. Crazy happening on my birthday? The girl I "happened" to sit next to in my Desktop Publishing class not only "happens" to have the same birthday as me, but she too turned twenty. But wait, there's more! Not only does she "happen" to share the exact same birthday with me, but we came to find out that we both are Journalism majors and BOTH from the same state (the state that no one knows exists). That's not all. She lives in the dorm next door to me, and she too is a prayer leader. Coincidence? I think not, hence all of the quotation marks. God is cool, but that's an understatement.

2. I have realized that I am Mac illiterate. Thankfully, this will soon change due to my forced use of them in my Copy Editing and Desktop Publishing classes. I suppose I must learn the Apple jargon sooner or later, or I may be the only Journalism major on the planet who remains totally clueless to such shenanigans.

 3. I may be in love with Gatorade. Is that normal? I hope so, because it is a reality in my life right now. Who needs a man? (That was a joke.)

4. Two interviews for two different writing-related work studies. As my dad said after I told him about the interviews, "When it rains, it pours." Whether I get either of these jobs or not, I am thankful to have been given the opportunities either way. It sparks a tab of hope within my heart, which of course, God knows I needed.

5. Stuck on The Hunger Games. Yes, I am one of those people (and quite proud of it). Some say they are the new Twilight, but I beg to differ. This trilogy has substance, plot and style. I'm only on the second book of the trilogy, but so far I highly recommend the series, especially if you are a fan of fantasy/action books (with a little romance thrown in there). Readers, get to it!

6. I am going to be involved as a script-writer for a short television segment that is shown weekly at my school's chapel service. I am pretty excited about this. Not much else to say about this except that I hope they don't throw me into videography.. or there may be much commotion.

7. Surprisingly, I am enjoying Philosophy class so far. Wow. All things are possible indeed. We shall see how long this lasts. Give it two weeks. Maybe less.

8. I realize daily that I love my major and feel completely at peace with it. I suppose that means, as far as the will of God is concerned, I am where I should be. Cannot wait to see where God leads me with all of this. My life is but an enigma.

9. The Patriots play the Ravens on Sunday. Pats, if you do not win, my many social media outlets will spammed with obnoxious comments which make me sad, therefore, please win. Also, I do not feel like watching other teams play in the Superbowl. Boring, lame and forcing me to solely watch the game for the commercials and Super Bowl parties.

10. My room has a rug! and curtains! While this may seem like a simple and slightly ridiculous truth to be excited about, one cannot imagine how much homier a dorm room becomes with such luxuries as these. The floor is no longer a pasty white color with blotchy marks that resemble the stains from chalk used for pool sticks. It has abandoned it's cold, uncomfortable feel when in bare feet. We now may sit on the floor comfortably. The window is no longer covered by simply awkward plastic shades which get stuck in strange positions. Color. Life. Comfort. Home. You name it.


So there you have it. My week.

The array of happenings called life.

Well, I feel as though it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and I feel correctly.
I've begun about 4 or 5 blogs in the past week or so, but failed in actually writing something worth posting. So, what's been happening in my life lately.. let's see. 

Summer internship twenty minutes away from home, working with a magazine? Check.
Another possible internship for the summer after at a television station? Check.
God providing me with $75? Check. (No pun intended)
Reading the most incredible book by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love? Check.
Spending a week with the most incredible family ever? Check.
Christmas lights popping up all over campus? Check.
Two different sorts of roommate dates in one day? (previous and current). Check. 
An encouraging prayer group today? Check.
Crazy intense workout and growing muscles? Check.
Annihilating a paper until 2 a.m. and leaving in style, mulling through the rain in a light sweatshirt and sweatpants? Check.

Random thing that I love: getting mail from friends from back home and from my campers. That is love right there...
I also love hearing from my campers and their constant reminders at what an incredible summer we had together. I learned so much from all of the incredible people I worked with, staff and campers together.

Spiritual lesson of late: God's infinite love.
No matter how unloved I feel, I AM loved.. by the ultimate lover. The CREATOR of the universe. The MAKER of time.
It's amazing how many times I can learn about God's love and still stand in awe each time. In fact, the awestruck factor grows significantly during every moment that He shows me His love, which is frequent. What really boggles my mind is the fact that God's love is even greater for me than even my closest family members. I'm not sure why I feel so "out of love" when I'm not with my family. I think I forget how much Jesus Christ loves me.. and I fail to thank Him for it.
God has definitely been showing me how much I rely on the love of people. Well, people will fail me. God will not. People may not forgive me. Jesus Christ already has. People may not always be around. God is infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. 

Another topic: it's amazing how God works things out. Situations I thought would brew and stew and eat me alive somehow evaporated... but I know that "somehow" really is not a "somehow" at all. "Somehow" implies that it was a coincidence, when I know pretty confidently that there are no coincidences with God. One quote someone posted on facebook recently was, "Coincidences are just God choosing to remain anonymous." I like that.

God is good and that's all there is to it. He takes me as I am, cleanses me from pains I cannot cleanse myself from, and restores me into a new person daily. How absolutely refreshing it is to be renewed into who God shapes me to be, rather than shaping myself. We all know I have no artistic skills. (God created the universe.. so I think it's safe to say He's pretty artistic).

God bless, and goodnight!

Maybe I should read the dictionary....

It seems that the more I hear about the future and what I must do to prepare for a successful one, the more absolutely terrified I am of growing up. No, I'm not lazy, and no, I am not failing to equip myself, but yes I still feel inadequate. This could be because I'm allowing myself to believe the lies of the world (and myself) that I'm not good enough, or it could be because I simply am overwhelmed by the extreme requirements in this little story we called "life." (Or it could be both).

Have you ever felt like you are the only one incapable of doing what it is that you and whatever other million people in the world want to do? You know- that whole, "Wow. They even ask questions better than me."
Yeah. I feel it. I feel it often. Especially in a field of study such as Communications.. where everyone births eloquence and strategically places their words in precisely the right spot at exactly the right moment (whether spoken or written). Then I think to myself, "Maybe I should read the dictionary more often."

If you have ever felt this way, you understand. Well, here's what I've realized recently: Success is not about big words. It's not about prestige. It's not even about landing the ever-so-dreamed-of "job of the century" which pays wages more than you knew existed and gives you a name you never knew you could have.
Really, it's not about names at all (except for One name).
Success is diligence. Diligence to do what you can do, do it in the best possible way that you can do it, and do it with the motive of glorifying the God who is greater than you and greater than I.
Success is being intentional. Intentional to learn what you can learn, put this learning into practice, and be humble enough to admit it's not simply your human intelligence and "profound capabilities" that have allowed you to learn, but the fact that God has created you with an incredible, unique, and highly complicated mind and body, allowing you to learn and excel in whatever path you have decided to follow.

[Keep in mind that there is a difference between spiritual and worldly success; however, I do believe that in many cases they do intertwine]. [Another topic for another time].

So, from a girl who constantly argues with herself (literally- sometimes even out loud) over whether I am capable or incapable, whether I will be successful or unsuccessful, or whether I am worth anything- in Jesus Christ, there is no question of worth. I cannot think of any other way to put it, really. Your or my worth cannot even be debated or questioned when we have Jesus Christ as our Lord. 
He has created us. He has formed us. He has given us the intelligence, strength, and purpose to complete whatever it is He has called us to do for His ultimate purpose. There is no question of our worth. No doubts, no excuses, no alternatives.-

So that's just a tidbit from my life. Hope this encouraged somebody out there.

One last word:
I am not defined by what I achieve, but rather Who I achieve it for.

God bless and have a good Friday!

A blog about something.. or nothing.

There exists no particular reason as to why I am writing right now, since there is nothing specifically on my mind (but who knows what may subconsciously come out through my fingertips into the world wide web), except that I had a major test and refuse to do homework until I absolutely am required to.
I currently have nothing specifically due tomorrow, so when I do decide to begin an assignment, I will feel extra productive since it's not required. Until that moment, I am dawdling. Why? Because it is these precious moments of brief freedom which we college students must grasp hold of to simply step back and enjoy life for one slight moment. So here I am... just stepping back and enjoying. Rare moment in life indeed.
So what should I write about in my moment of freedom? Whatever I feel like writing about, fiddly snap! Oh the beauty of a personal blog.. the one place you can just ramble and no one can complain, because no one is forcing them to read (or listen, in some situations).

I don't think I shared my embarrassing moments as of late, now have I? Well, unfortunately one is slightly too awkward for the internet (but I will probably tell you if you ask me in private, so go for it). Other awkward moments? Ok well, let me give a brief background first....

So you know those pesky 8:50 a.m. classes, specifically the ones that have tests in them? Well, say I were to, oh I don't know, unknowingly sleep through my alarm for about an hour and wake up at 8:45 a.m.? Yes. It's true. This happened to me a few days ago. You're probably wondering what happened. That's funny, because I can tell you. After waking up abruptly, gasping for air as I realized I just woke up five minutes before a big test, I literally threw on clothing that weren't pajamas (since unfortunately, pajamas are simply frowned upon in a classroom environment these days), and ran, yes, literally RAN, to class (backpack flopping around and all). What time did I arrive at class? 8:52. I have no clue how this possibly happened other than maybe God stopped time or just made it go by obnoxiously slowly, but it did. The teacher hadn't even passed out the tests yet. It was fantastic.

However, when you wake up that way, your entire day is thrown out of whack and thrown into a twilight zone that you didn't know actually existed on earth. Well, I'm here to tell you that it does exist. While in this twilight zone, magical, strange experiences happen. Just kidding, they're not magical.. but I'm not exaggerating about them being strange... because they are. Somehow one trips extensively in front of everyone around, but mostly in front of those of the male species (because that's usually how it happens). One's filter also is completely stripped away, allowing your mouth to run before your brain has time to function. For instance, when a teacher asks a question, one's first response in a college classroom would not normally be, "Because she peed herself." Yes, indeed. I did say that in public, and then immediately was horrified (my eyes probably opening so wide they would soon fall out of my head). Good times. Good times, indeed. Don't worry, I received many bewildered expressions from my classmates.

So that's just a tidbit about my life and my skill of being an embarrassing person.

Until another day.
(God bless)