Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing,  ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).

Cherishing Children

Children. Misunderstood and underrated.

This summer, I have realized how completely clueless adults are with children. So many teens and adults talk down to children as if they "can't possibly understand," leaving the kids believing that it's true. Kids are often shoved under the rug, or on the flip side, completely left to do whatever it is they want to do, without any protection or teaching.

I'm no parent, so I'm not really talking about raising children (and don't really have a right to). I'm mostly thinking of adults in general. Teachers, leaders, how adults treat random children in public, etc.

How often we forget that these children will one day be adults, and in their adulthood, they will carry with them the lessons that WE have taught them. They will remember the way they were treated and they will reflect it on the other people in their lives. People wonder why children fear adulthood and "never want to grow up"? It's because they fear us. They fear who they might become and what love for life they might lose. These little humans watch our every move, crave our affection and just want somebody to be proud of them. They want to look forward to adulthood, and that can only happen if they are given a reason to look forward. If they have seen adults who appreciate life and appreciate them, they have been given hope for their future.

You know all those discourteous and insensitive adults in your life? The ones who cut you in line and yell at their cashiers? They were children once, and something or someone in their life told them that acting like that was ok. Some may have suffered belittlement as children, and as a result, feel that it is their time to belittle others. Some may have never been taught to "do to others as you would have them do to you," and as a result, see the world as their throne. Whatever the reason, they were impacted in some way as a child, and now they have graduated from unruly child to unruly adult. From bitter child to bitter adult.

Think back to your childhood. For me, I longed for the affections of those that were older than me. I admired them, I mimicked them and I wanted them to be proud of me. Everything I did in public, I did for some sort of sense of approval.  I think of all the adults in my life growing up....

Parents. I was blessed to have parents who encouraged me in my endeavors and who disciplined me when I needed to be corrected. I wouldn't have believed in myself, understood right from wrong or learned to really see and love other people if it weren't for the instruction of my incredible parents.
Teachers. Oh the teachers I've had in my life. I've had good ones, I've had great ones and you can better believe I've had bad ones. In elementary, I had some teachers who so favored the "popular," "pretty" children that I found myself believing that I was worthless. Those same teachers made me dread school, hate learning and despise who I was and what I was not. Then, I had some fantastic teachers who taught me lessons I've never forgotten, encouraged me when no one else would and showed me who I could be if I allowed it. They saw me as more than "just a kid," corrected my negative traits so that I indeed recognize them as negative, and took the time to help cultivate the positive traits I did have. My teachers have been some of the most influential people in my life. The bad and the good. The horrible and the fantastic.
My friend's parents. This is sort of a weird one, but my friend's parents did in fact have an influence on me.  I had some friends whose parents appreciated my friendship in their child's life, which in turn, encouraged me to be a better friend and take responsibility for my actions. And then there were some parents who looked down on me, seeing me to be unworthy of befriending their child. When I was in 3rd grade, I was told once by my friend's parent that I "made her sick to her stomach when she saw me" because of my "bad attitude." I don't think adults understand the toll that takes on a child. "Am I really that disgusting?" I would ask myself. "Is her daughter really that superior to me?" I still fight to release any bitter feelings towards those type of parents, and sometimes I still ask those same questions. I'm not saying it's their fault, but I am saying that it has influenced the fact that those questions even creep into my mind.

Those are just a few adults that played key roles in my lives, but good and bad, they all have something in common. I remember them, and I think of them from time to time.

All I know is, I do NOT want to be one of "the horrible" adults in any child's life. I would much rather be that adult who, years later, they still positively remember and cherish. Even in the correction and discipline, what they should remember about us is that we CARED enough to correct them. That we LOVED them enough to build them up.

To Overthrow the "Entitlement" Mentality

See all those successful people who you admire and envy? Those individuals who have accomplished their dreams and contributed to society? Most aren't extra special nor do they have an incomprehensible IQ. Most just tried until they accomplished something. Failure did not stop them and neither did people's discouraging remarks.

Probably one of my largest pet peeves is when people hate on the wealthy or successful, screaming at them to "give me some of that."Though I'm sure some have inherited the money, it was earned none-the-less. I'm obviously not talking about bootleggers or illegal money-making scheme, but as far as the honest money-maker, it takes work.

Whenever I walk around Boston or any city in general, I wonder to myself who the owners are of all of the successful businesses.
How did they begin? 
How did they excel? 
What does it take to accomplish something hard?
Work. Time. Dedication.
For the most part, nothing came to the developers easy, whoever they may be.
They sweat. They stressed. They endured. They probably failed many times.

It seems to me that my generation of Americans has lost their sense of pride in working and have fallen into a mindset of entitlement.
"I deserve this because....
I'm an American.
I'm a woman.
I'm a minority.
I'm a teenager.
I'm a cat (haha just kidding.. but really)...."
The list could go on and on.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but we don't deserve anything. We never have.
We all have dreams. We all have passions. We all have talents.
But alone, these things cannot be cultivated without work.
Hard, honest work.
I think about all of the different passions I have, all of the people who have helped train me to accomplish these passions and all of the different possibilities in them.
I don't know what I'm going to be or what difference I will make, but whatever it is,
I'm going to be it and make it well.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10

In this incredible country, we can pretty much choose to do anything. We can choose to be anything.
The sad truth is, many of us waste it.
The government just gives us things, we take it and it makes us lazy.
The hard-working, honest living is shriveling up into oblivion for many of my generation, and it breaks my heart.

"In all labor there is profit, But idle chatter leads only to poverty."
Proverbs 14:23

Don't just talk about it- DO IT. Get up, work and do what you were made to do.

Working was never a curse, even before the fall of man.
God worked (and He also rested). (Genesis 1 & 2)
God also created mankind to cultivate the earth we've been given, with whatever occupation.

²⁷ So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. ²⁸ Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:27-28

Work was created to glorify God and to minister to others (which also glorifies God).

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:32

I've been doing a study on Proverbs 31, which is specifically about what a virtuous woman looks like, but the concepts really are applicable to all human beings. She works with her hands willingly, she has integrity and ultimately she is looking out for the good of the people in her life (Proverbs 31:10-31). She is not lazy and because of her hard-work, her whole family benefits.

Hard work with the talents God has given us BREEDS success. Yes, this earth is not our permanent home, but God put us here, nonetheless, and He expects us to serve Him in all we do.

The Poem of Unrest

Miles and miles by car or flight,

The world seemed to have shrunk,

The Caribbean star, the Arabian night,

A filled, yet empty trunk.

To pasture grand with roaming horse,

Or eastern salty wave,

So far to learn, no past remorse,

I thought that I was brave.

And though the travels did entice,

My heart was left behind,

I found that though each place was nice,

My love was not that kind.

Romantic dreams of southern stage,

Made faulty thoughts unkempt,

And though the dreamer dreamt a page,

The words were still unmet.

Expectations, inspirations,

All but really fake,

Though I still have aspirations,

It’s not my time to take.

Willing attempt, decision and plan,

Each a noble cause,
Still fall short for every man,

They’re destination flaws.

Every place, experience galore,

Though rewarding in their way,

Leave its partakers wanting more,

Grown hunger every day.

One thing fulfills and does suffice,

Its mysteries unfailing,

Few prove willing to pay the price:

Surrender and exhaling. 

Gossip, Words & Speaking the Truth in Love

Gossip. 

The cliche posters in high schools saying "Gossip hurts."
The Christians who talk about how bad it is, but find time to tear people apart on a daily basis.
The idea that it doesn't even show up in Christian circles.

Unfortunately, despite people's recognition of how unbiblical it is, we still tend to shove it under the rug. Why? Why do we recognize other sins, yet find it justifiable to use words to rip people to shreds? What makes us think that it's ok?

I write this because I realize that this is one of my deepest and most real struggles. Let's be honest.
I am the first to blame. Right here, right now.

As Christians, our gossip may not involve a "Oh wow did you see her shoes? How hideous." (or maybe they do.. in which case, that's just sad).
Often our gossip entails sitting in our Christian circles and idly discussing others failures and mess-ups.
Does the fact that people sin or do something we don't approve of give us the right to go and talk to other people about them?

I guess the more specific question is, Did Jesus ever say this?:
"To make yourself more holy, go ahead and talk trash about an individual, let everyone know exactly what they did wrong and make sure they know that you would never do something like that. Humiliate them if necessary."
NO.

In fact, He said quite the opposite.

In Matthew 8:1-12, Jesus is in the middle of teaching a crowd when some Pharisees bring a woman (who was caught in the act of adultery) to Jesus, telling him to stone her.
His response?

“He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”

Now, I don't believe Jesus was saying that sin shouldn't be punished.
No, not at all. Sin is sin.
Sin is the reason Jesus came to die for us. Sin is what put Him on that cross.
I believe that this was Jesus' point: the Pharisees sought to publicly display individuals sin so that they themselves would seem more holy. So that people would recognize their works.

Isn't this often the motivation behind our idle conversation? To glorify ourselves?
Is this Biblical?
Why is it so difficult for us to show grace to others when JESUS shows grace to us DAILY?

When sin issues need to be addressed (and are done with a humble, loving heart), sin won't be addressed in a method of gossip.
Matthew 18:15-20 clearly tells what one should do if someone sins:

¹⁵ Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

 It also addresses what to do when a believer won't listen to you, if you do talk to them about their sin:

¹⁶ But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ ¹⁷ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

There's a pattern to dealing with believer's sin issues, and gossip is not one of them. Yes, if they absolutely refuse to leave from a sinful lifestyle, we are to view them as any other unbeliever (that does not mean we should sit and gossip about unbelievers either).
Sin should be addressed, but it should be addressed directly to the person.
Jesus addressed sin, and he addressed abandoning ourselves and our fleshly desires to follow HIM:

Matthew 8:34-35

³⁴ When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. ³⁵ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. 

When talking about sin issues, he didn't drop names- he simply talked about the sin for what it was. Romans 3 is extremely up front with man's depravity. It talks about the human condition and one's need for a SAVIOR.
However, Paul (in Romans) does not sit and name every person, what they did and how wrong they were.
He says "THIS is sin. THIS is why we need a Savior. THIS is the type of forgiveness we can have from our sins."
Not: "Woah, look at Sally Sue's sin! Can you believe that!"
No.

Believer or unbeliever- gossip is unacceptable.
Whether just empty chatter or whether seemingly "holy" talk- if it's not uplifting, edifying, encouraging, if it's not building up the body of Christ, if it's not pointing people to Christ, if it's not righteous LOVE- don't do it.

Really, it all comes back to LOVE. 
1 Corinthians 13 says,

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing."

Words. How powerful they are, yet how freely we use them.
The same tongue that says loving words can also be brutal and evil. (James 3)
So many verses in the Bible about this topic.

It's difficult because people often don't even know what constitutes "gossip." 
Basically, this is how I can tell that I should not say something (though often times I say it anyway, sadly) and that
it fits into the "gossip" category:

• If I would not want it said about me, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something that, if the subject matter had been about me, I would have rather it said in private, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's untrue, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not furthering the kingdom of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not glorifying the name of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not bringing someone to Christ, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something I'd be embarrassed to have repeated to me later, I shouldn't say it.
• If I don't have all of the facts, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not the business of the person I'm telling it to, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's going to get spread unnecessarily, I shouldn't say it.
• If what I'm saying isn't done out of LOVE, I shouldn't say it.
  As one of my elementary teachers used to always say:
  "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary."

I borrowed this picture from a Pinterest user: "OMalls."

Gossip is detrimental. It destroys friendships, builds enemies, breaks trust, hurts everyone.
Eradicate the gossip, whatever form it may take. It's not worth it.

Things I Learned Today

1. The highway is not as scary of a place as it seems.
   Beyond the high speeds and the obnoxious tolls, the highway has a soft spot to it. A soft spot that involves cruising to tunes, feeling like a winner and enjoying the scenery (which is always quite wonderful in New England). Despite my former assumptions, not all drivers are out to get me, 70 mph is really not that terrifying and I will not end up in Canada. Five years later, I have conquered an irrational fear! Laugh if you want, but we both know that you have an equally irrational fear. It's ok, we'll get through it together.
   
   
2. I'm not quite as directionally dysfunctional as previously believed.
   I didn't get lost today on the way to my internship... and I drove for almost an hour all alone! For those of you who know me, this is a big deal. I mean, I am still lower on the "I know how to get places" meter, but I learned today that I can read signs. When the GPS fell off the windshield and I was forced to just find my way via road signs, I made it. Well, I am positive that it was God giving me wisdom so I wouldn't, in fact, end up in Canada, but with God's help I CAN FIGURE IT OUT! I may be able to survive the transportation world after all.
   
   
3. I am learning things in school!
   Yay! The thousands of dollars that I have been spending (and my parent's have been spending) on an education haven't been a waste! For my internship, I will have to use the same audio program that I used during my practicum. Today, I realized how much I remembered. I wasn't as completely and utterly lost as I thought I would be! Hizzah for being able to keep up! Hip hip, hooray! I wonder how many other things I know and remember that I do not even realize? Thank you to the many professors who pour into us as students-- you are much appreciated. To be quite honest, I would be as clueless as it gets if it were not for the professor folks.
   
   
4. The LORD is faithful.
   Wait what? I didn't know that already? Well, I did... My faith just always seems to kind of burn down to a warm glow sometimes instead of the preferred blazing flame. That truth stinks, but it is the truth none-the-less. Despite my unbelief, God is GOOD, kind, merciful, and loving. He gives when I don't deserve, blesses when I don't believe and provides when I don't see it coming. I still have yet to find a job, but I trust that I will end up exactly where God wants me. Exactly where. I also know that, until He provides a job, I am, right now, exactly where He wants me to be. Exactly there. I am so thankful I have a God who I can trust, and I am thankful for the opportunities He has given me to serve Him, glorify Him and SHINE Him.
   
   
5. I'm in the right major.
   YES. Another indication that I have not wasted my (and my parent's) money. Even if I don't do exactly what it is I'm studying to do (that is, writing and journalism), it's helping me to get into different types of avenues and explore the gifts God has given me. I love what I'm learning, and it's been useful to so many unexpected aspects of my life.
   
   
6. I'm thankful for my school.
   I realized today that I complain an unnecessary amount about my school. So I don't agree with every little thing they do. So what? I am SO blessed to be there. The opportunities have been great. The lessons have been great. The education has been great. The professors have been great. The people I have been able to get to know are great. From my experiences and education at that school, I have learned and come to understand even MORE about how GREAT my God is. Also, I promise that I learned more words in journalism school than the word "great," but I also learned to only use big words when necessary, and "great" is the most fittingly simple word. I love that God has changed me through my time at school, and I love that He has been glorified through my experiences there.
   
   
7. My parent's are incredible.
   So supportive. So encouraging. So loving. I mean, my mom packed me a lunch on my first day today just to relieve my nerves and save me time-- if that's not love, I don't know what is. They are always showing me the love of God, and I couldn't be more overwhelmed by it. People have asked me, "Well, you grew up being taught about Jesus. How do you know you weren't just believing a lie your whole childhood?" I can tell you right now that my parent's HAVE LIVED the truth. They were my early glimpses of God's love. They were my brief explanations to hope and truth. For that, I am unbelievably grateful. They're not perfect, but they were perfect for me: they were the parents God provided me with. He knew I would be born to them, and He knew that I would need them to be the parents I had. My mind is sort of boggled now, so I'm going to move on to another point.
   
   
8. God is my strength.
   Again, something I already knew, but something I literally need to be reminded of EVERY day. Every action, every decision, every word-- everything-- can only be done by God's strength in me. Anything I do in my own attempts with result in a FAIL. Believe me, I've had many FAIL moments, and they're not fun. But I've also had many victorious moments when I gave up control to my Savior. The only reason I made it on the highway, did not get lost, followed what was going on today, understood the instructions, made it through the day in one piece and made it back home safely was that Jesus got me through. That's how. There's really no other method of success but to give up control to Jesus. So refreshing.

So, I'm going to go and end there. One, because I'm out of points, and two, because 8 is my favorite number. Funny how that works out.
Thankful to the LORD for another day that He was give the glory!

If you can't change it, let it go.

Despite the finals coming up, I have been extremely peaceful in regards to all of my school work these days. Thinking about this makes me realize how much God has changed me over the past few years of my life. During the high school days, if it was finals week my heart would be racing, the world would be ending and my nerves would almost be up to par with Mrs. Bennett's (and everyone would reply with a "I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."). (Please tell me you caught my Pride and Prejudice reference..)

"Have you no consideration for my poor nerves!?"

But as life has passed and I realized how miniscule many of these "stress producers" were, my life has changed quite drastically for the better.

I honestly trace this whole attitude change back to freshman year (of college). I attribute the whole mindset alteration to my lovely roommate at the time, Kaytee. (Yeah, I was that freshman who freaked out about English 101). Every time I would have a meltdown over one of my two page papers (hahah.. now I laugh..), Kaytee would tell me to calm down, get over it and just do it. And she was right. When I would stress about a grade I got and be extremely disappointed, she would tell me that if I couldn't change it, it was time to move on. And she was right. Somewhere along the way, her words clicked in my mind.

"If you can't change it or can't do anything about it, why stress out?"
"All you can do is your best, but don't let this ruin your life."

Back then, I always felt like she was being insensitive and didn't really understand.
Now, I am so thankful for the lesson she taught me and the way it helped me to grow. The Lord has put so many people in my life to teach me seemingly simple lessons and grow me in seemingly simple ways. I do believe that this lesson, however miniscule it seems, changed my perspective on life forever.

Honestly, this year has probably been the most intense year of my college career.. and maybe in my life in general, in regards to my walk with God. Yet, despite the intensity of this year, I was probably the most at peace I have ever been in my life. I owe that all to the Lord for allowing me to let go of that stressful perspective I once had and hold on to His truths and focus on eternity.
The Lord has stretched me in ways I never expected, pushed me in ways I never wanted and used me in ways I never deserved.
I am so thankful to the Lord for every lesson He has put in my life thus far, and I am looking forward to (and to be honest, extremely terrified of) whatever God will bring my way in the future. I am so incredibly encouraged by my sisters and brothers in Christ and the way they challenge my walk with God.

So anyway, I guess the point is, if you're stressed over whatever, ask yourself these things:
1. Can you change it? If so, how? If not, then let it go.
2. Are you in control of this situation? If so, take responsibility and just get it done. If not, give it up.
3. Will this impact eternity? Either way, why are you stressing? God is in control. (which is honestly the answer to everything...)
4. Will this matter one year from now? If not, chill out.

God is still God

Tragedy tends to either bring out the best or to bring out the worst in people. I like to think that most of the time, it brings out the best.

Sometimes I think I know. I think I know life and then something happens. Tragedy. And then I am reminded at how little I really know and how young I truly am. I'm not invincible, but I do believe I forget how fragile the human race truly is. In this fallen world, death and pain is inevitable.

Boston. My home. 

Tragedy happens every day, but when it's close to home, our invincibility factor tends to evaporate. What invincibility? My home-- threatened. My fellow Bostonians-- attacked.

In my own school, young adults facing death.
 
Last night, I went to Faith Helbig's memorial. 
I've never met Faith, and I don't even think I've seen her around really.
We never had a relationship, and she never knew my name.
We didn't have any deep conversations.
We never had a conversation at all.
Despite those minute details, my heart ached for my brothers and sisters in Christ who lost her.

Tragedy.

Whatever happened the day that she died changed my friends' lives forever, and I'll never really understand. I think I know life, but I don't.

As we stood with our unlit candles at the memorial, the wind sorrowfully blowing our hair into the mess that symbolized this situation, my eyes scanned the crowd of tearful college students and staff members who were mourning the death of this 18-year-old girl. Many were her friends, her family, her leadership and her acquaintances, and I am sure that many were like me.
Total strangers, witnessing tragedy.

As I stood there, I mourned for those people experiencing tragedy, and as I mourned, I realized that  
I think I know life, but I don't.
I also realized that despite tragedy and despite my ignorance to life, 
God is still God. He is still good. He is still in control.
He is still GOD.
The same God who parted the Red Sea.
The same God who allowed Job to experience intense trial so that God would be glorified.
The same God who used sinful people to serve Him.
The same God who is so completely holy that Moses had to hide in the cleft of a rock when He passed by and was only able to see the back of God.
The same God who sent His Son to die for the sin of mankind.
The same God who resurrected from the dead.
That's OUR GOD. He is Who He is, and He does not change.

The Lord gives and He takes away and beyond the depravity and feebleness of the human race,
He is GOD.

I don't understand tragedy... yet... but when I do, I strive to remember that GOD IS STILL GOD.

What Gets me Through the Day

The Lord is faithful.
Despite our failures, despite our flaws, He is good, and He dwells within us.

That's what gets me through the day.
Me? I don't get myself through anything. Ever.-- What gets me through is the fact that I belong to an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God.
The gospel. How easily, as Christians, we forget it. How much we take it for granted.
I was recently reminded of the beauty of the gospel while meeting with my "Big 4" for next year, and when I was reminded, I was convicted.
Details, details, details.
Important details, but often ones that mask the greater issue when not handled with care.
What greater issue? The gospel.
What gospel?

Jesus Christ. My undeserving self. His love and forgiveness. My failure.
I am in need. He is in abundance.
In need of love, and He is love & lavishes it freely.
In need of joy, and He is the source of joy.
In need of identity, and He tells me I am His.
In need of hope, and HE declares my future.
In need of saving, and HE redeems me. 
He is Everything.
The CREATOR, sacrificing for the creation?
Love. 

THE GOSPEL.

That's what get's me through the day.
The Lord is faithful.

We Call it Living

I haven't been doing a very good job of writing these days, but I haven't had much to write about. What is there to say in regards to the mass amounts of school work I have to do, the many SLD interviews I've had to go through for my next year as an RA and the sleeping I do (if I can).

The cycle-like times in life force me to reevaluate who I am and remind myself that there's more to life than just getting through. It's so terrifyingly simple to fall in that mundane pattern of living, where life is just what you do. And yes, life can be monotonous sometimes, but God is to be glorified in EVERYTHING we do.
Everything. 
Even what we eat.
Or what we think.
Or how we respond.
Or how much effort we put into our tasks.
Or what we say.
Or what attitude we have.
Or why we do what we do.

These little everythings... they make one big something.
These details seem to swallow up our attention and transform us into mindless zombies, our brains hanging out and our goal to remove of other people's brains (in a sense) as well.
Instead living life well, we just drone on with no life at all and bring everyone else down with us.
The big picture slides out of view and purpose on this earth rests in a fog.
A motionless, thick, ever-hovering fog.

Who we are, why we're here, Who we serve, how we're here. 

The big picture.

We forget. 

I'm talking to myself right now, in case you're wondering. I usually am in my blog posts, though.. so you probably figured.

Seriously though-- is this how God called us to live? Mediocre and mundane? False.
God called us to live life extraordinarily. We're not just people. We're GOD'S CHILDREN. We were bought with a price. We are here to glorify GOD. We are here to tell people about Jesus. We are alive because of JESUS!

1 Corinthians 10:31
"Therefore whether you eat or drink, or  

whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, 

whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  

For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s."

1 John 4:4

"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, 

because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

Matthew 28:19-20

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; 

and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen."

When Jesus gave us life, He did not give us life to waste, but to LIVE. 

He gave us life so that the little things in our life would ultimately fulfill God's will. 

These little things? They're not meaningless. They belong to GOD. 

All of these little things, make up something big. 

So, friends, let us live our lives in love with Jesus, 
knowing that we are here to glorify God.
Knowing that we are God's, purchased by Him.
Knowing that He is in us and GREATER.
Knowing that He is with us always.

Faith of Abraham

I watched the two episodes of the new "The Bible" TV series this week. I know, I was a couple weeks late, but better late than never. Honestly, I'm pretty impressed how accurate it was (despite its few inaccuracies.. which was expected).

I am really encouraged by this show. The fact that God's Word is being spread (and that it is the number one show on television right now) is incredible. Though people are constantly seeking to disprove the Bible and are continually tearing it down, they still display a HUNGER for it's truths. They know, but they won't admit. That's another tangent though...

I really loved the parts with Abraham and Sarah. I can't even imagine the struggles they faced and the tests they overcame, proving their faith in God. Is it bad that I'm encouraged by their failures? Well, I'll admit that I am. These giants of faith, God's beloved people, still failed to trust God.

Sarah laughed when God told her that she would have a child in her old age (Genesis 18:12), and Abraham took matters into his own hands and had sexual relations with his handmaiden to have a son, when God clearly told him that a great nation would come from him and Sarah.
 
Yet, despite their lack of faith, God used Abraham and Sarah. God loved them, and He showed that He loved them through testing them. I know that sounds weird, and to our finite minds, yeah, it's pretty weird. However, through these tests, God gave them second chances to show their faith in Him.

The scene in "The Bible" (the TV show.. and the actual Book) where God calls Abraham to sacrifice His son gets me every time. Imagine the amount of faith that would take to sacrifice your son (especially when they had waited to so long for God to provide him). Wow.

Do I have that much faith?
If God asked me to do that, would I?

My prayer is that my faith would be like the faith of Abraham and Sarah, even if that means I'm going to fail sometimes and even if that means God will ask me to do strange and difficult things.

My life in a disney analogy

I feel like my entire life has been me struggling with God, telling Him I trust Him but not actually letting go of my desires. I don't think I've even really passed this point, and I wonder sometimes if I ever will. I pray that God will give me enough faith to take Him at His word and just go with His will or wait on Him when His will has yet to be revealed. Why is it so hard? The moment I give something up to God, I refuse to let go of something else.
It's like this crazy cycle of  Peter-syndrome: [[when Jesus called Peter to walk on the water, Peter did at first, until he saw the intensity of the waves. So maybe we've never actually physically attempted to walk on water, but in reality, God calls us to walk out on the waters of faith daily. Like Peter, I more than often sink as my eyes shift away from Jesus and towards the waves.]]

I don't normally like to compare my relationship with God to Disney movies, but what immediately comes to mind in this situation is the phrase, "Do you trust me?"

"Do you trust me?"

Ok, before I get a bunch of angry-mob-comments about me comparing Aladdin to God, I obviously do not think Aladdin is even on the same spectrum as God.
This is simply an analogy, so keep your Jesus jukes on the shelf for next time.

Anyway, sometimes I feel like Jasmin (not just because of our common Middle Eastern ethnicity.. but that's also a reason) (...also, I do not support her clothing choices.. sorry, I'm not about that).
It's like God is telling me to go on a magic carpet ride (ok, I can't help but laugh out loud while writing this... this analogy is ridiculous...), but I'm often hesitant and sometimes miss out on the wonders of His glory (I'm still laughing at the nerdiness that is this analogy...)
("Take you wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride... a whole newwww worlddddd...").
Disclaimer: let's also just ignore the fact that Aladdin lies a lot, and God NEVER lies or lets us down.. but that's not the point I'm trying to make.

Bet you won't be able to watch Aladdin without thinking about this now, right?
Mission accomplished.

Really though, if there's one thing I've learned from all of this, it's that when I give God complete control of my life and decisions, I never have regrets. I may not immediately be "happy" by the world's standards (such misconceptions of happiness), but I am never sitting in regret. Ever. The only time I ever have regrets or that "unsettled" feeling is when I am fighting God's will.

I don't want to live in the regret of lacking in faith, wondering what my life would be like if I just went out onto the magic carpet (haha) or walked out onto the water.
Lord, give me the faith to take risks in Your will and to wait, even if it means being uncomfortable.