He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

God is still God

Tragedy tends to either bring out the best or to bring out the worst in people. I like to think that most of the time, it brings out the best.

Sometimes I think I know. I think I know life and then something happens. Tragedy. And then I am reminded at how little I really know and how young I truly am. I'm not invincible, but I do believe I forget how fragile the human race truly is. In this fallen world, death and pain is inevitable.

Boston. My home. 

Tragedy happens every day, but when it's close to home, our invincibility factor tends to evaporate. What invincibility? My home-- threatened. My fellow Bostonians-- attacked.

In my own school, young adults facing death.
 
Last night, I went to Faith Helbig's memorial. 
I've never met Faith, and I don't even think I've seen her around really.
We never had a relationship, and she never knew my name.
We didn't have any deep conversations.
We never had a conversation at all.
Despite those minute details, my heart ached for my brothers and sisters in Christ who lost her.

Tragedy.

Whatever happened the day that she died changed my friends' lives forever, and I'll never really understand. I think I know life, but I don't.

As we stood with our unlit candles at the memorial, the wind sorrowfully blowing our hair into the mess that symbolized this situation, my eyes scanned the crowd of tearful college students and staff members who were mourning the death of this 18-year-old girl. Many were her friends, her family, her leadership and her acquaintances, and I am sure that many were like me.
Total strangers, witnessing tragedy.

As I stood there, I mourned for those people experiencing tragedy, and as I mourned, I realized that  
I think I know life, but I don't.
I also realized that despite tragedy and despite my ignorance to life, 
God is still God. He is still good. He is still in control.
He is still GOD.
The same God who parted the Red Sea.
The same God who allowed Job to experience intense trial so that God would be glorified.
The same God who used sinful people to serve Him.
The same God who is so completely holy that Moses had to hide in the cleft of a rock when He passed by and was only able to see the back of God.
The same God who sent His Son to die for the sin of mankind.
The same God who resurrected from the dead.
That's OUR GOD. He is Who He is, and He does not change.

The Lord gives and He takes away and beyond the depravity and feebleness of the human race,
He is GOD.

I don't understand tragedy... yet... but when I do, I strive to remember that GOD IS STILL GOD.

What Gets me Through the Day

The Lord is faithful.
Despite our failures, despite our flaws, He is good, and He dwells within us.

That's what gets me through the day.
Me? I don't get myself through anything. Ever.-- What gets me through is the fact that I belong to an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God.
The gospel. How easily, as Christians, we forget it. How much we take it for granted.
I was recently reminded of the beauty of the gospel while meeting with my "Big 4" for next year, and when I was reminded, I was convicted.
Details, details, details.
Important details, but often ones that mask the greater issue when not handled with care.
What greater issue? The gospel.
What gospel?

Jesus Christ. My undeserving self. His love and forgiveness. My failure.
I am in need. He is in abundance.
In need of love, and He is love & lavishes it freely.
In need of joy, and He is the source of joy.
In need of identity, and He tells me I am His.
In need of hope, and HE declares my future.
In need of saving, and HE redeems me. 
He is Everything.
The CREATOR, sacrificing for the creation?
Love. 

THE GOSPEL.

That's what get's me through the day.
The Lord is faithful.

We Call it Living

I haven't been doing a very good job of writing these days, but I haven't had much to write about. What is there to say in regards to the mass amounts of school work I have to do, the many SLD interviews I've had to go through for my next year as an RA and the sleeping I do (if I can).

The cycle-like times in life force me to reevaluate who I am and remind myself that there's more to life than just getting through. It's so terrifyingly simple to fall in that mundane pattern of living, where life is just what you do. And yes, life can be monotonous sometimes, but God is to be glorified in EVERYTHING we do.
Everything. 
Even what we eat.
Or what we think.
Or how we respond.
Or how much effort we put into our tasks.
Or what we say.
Or what attitude we have.
Or why we do what we do.

These little everythings... they make one big something.
These details seem to swallow up our attention and transform us into mindless zombies, our brains hanging out and our goal to remove of other people's brains (in a sense) as well.
Instead living life well, we just drone on with no life at all and bring everyone else down with us.
The big picture slides out of view and purpose on this earth rests in a fog.
A motionless, thick, ever-hovering fog.

Who we are, why we're here, Who we serve, how we're here. 

The big picture.

We forget. 

I'm talking to myself right now, in case you're wondering. I usually am in my blog posts, though.. so you probably figured.

Seriously though-- is this how God called us to live? Mediocre and mundane? False.
God called us to live life extraordinarily. We're not just people. We're GOD'S CHILDREN. We were bought with a price. We are here to glorify GOD. We are here to tell people about Jesus. We are alive because of JESUS!

1 Corinthians 10:31
"Therefore whether you eat or drink, or  

whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, 

whom you have from God, and you are not your own?  

For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s."

1 John 4:4

"You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, 

because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

Matthew 28:19-20

"Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; 

and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Amen."

When Jesus gave us life, He did not give us life to waste, but to LIVE. 

He gave us life so that the little things in our life would ultimately fulfill God's will. 

These little things? They're not meaningless. They belong to GOD. 

All of these little things, make up something big. 

So, friends, let us live our lives in love with Jesus, 
knowing that we are here to glorify God.
Knowing that we are God's, purchased by Him.
Knowing that He is in us and GREATER.
Knowing that He is with us always.

Grand Romance

I've been thinking about the church and the day that we will be brought to the side of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I've been thinking about how, on that day, we no longer will face the struggle of idolizing human beings because our eyes will finally be opened. This ridiculous fascination we have with flawed man will no longer exist, but rather we will be perfect and complete, face-to-face with our Savior. His glory will be all that we see, and we no longer will be blinded by darkness.

It's one giant, magnificent love story. You don't have to be a romantic to appreciate the fact that we were lost, Jesus Christ sacrificed everything because He loves the world, and though we must be separated for a time, we will one day be reunited with our True Love.

We're all part of a grand romance. 

Jesus is the hero. We are the damsels in distress.

The plot is filled with undeserving love, sacrifice, forgiveness,
loyalty, protection and life-long companionship.

All other romantic movies, books, plays, stories.. you name it..
they are all plagiarized. In fact, love itself is plagiarized. 

Jesus Christ is the original knight in shining armor. He is the first initiator of a relationship
and the only perfect relationship-participant. 

The Bible is the ideal romantic novel.
As we await the coming of our bridegroom, we must prepare ourselves, making the most of our time on earth. The wedding must not be missed, and our hearts must be ready.

Fresh Eyes

I met my nephew today, and it was more incredible than I anticipated.

I remember when my sister used to dream of the day she would find the man God wanted her to be with. I remember when she watched her friends getting married and having children, and I remember seeing that longing in her.
Now it's here.
God has blessed her with an awesome husband and a beautiful baby boy.

I don't think I've been happier for anyone in my entire life.
I don't think I have ever loved a baby this much in my entire life, either.

Today, I held Kyle, and he looked up at me in all of his innocence, soaking in the world around him.
I wonder what he sees when he sees the world?

I don't know what he's thinking, but I know that I'm thinking that I serve a powerful and beautiful God who forms the most incredible beings and creatures. I serve a God who hand-makes humans to be unique and individual. There is no other copy of this Kyle. There is no other me. There is no other you.

As he looked up at me, straining to keep his eyes open, my heart worshipped God. I don't think I really even knew it at the time fully, but it happened. I was in awe at this new human. It's not like I've never seen a baby before, but I don't know. This is different. It's my sister's son... and he's here.
Sometimes, the Lord's provision has nothing to do with finances, health or safety.
Sometimes, the Lord provides people. 

Sometimes, the Lord provides little people to tug at your heart and make you thankful for life.
Sometimes, the Lord provides innocence and beauty.
Fresh eyes.

Thankfulness for the past. Appreciation of the present.
Hope for the future.

How do newborns spark this sort of awakening?

All I know is that God is a good God and that amidst a world of chaos and darkness, He provides peace and light.

When I think "2012"

My life never seems that interesting, and honestly, it never really seems like anything that dramatic happens. However, my life is honestly a major adventure, and it's because of Jesus Christ. Seriously, a life of meaning and purpose sort of makes the whole "living" thing fun and exciting. People think Christianity is boring and "unfun," but honestly, nothing I do would have any sort of meaning without Jesus Christ. Think about it, we are constantly on a mission, living for Christ with a passion of reaching others for Him. That's pretty legit if you ask me.
So as I look back onto the year, I thank God for the things He has taught me, the places He has brought me and the people He has blessed me with.
I think about where I started in 2012, where I have gone and where I've been going. I think about what may happen in 2013-- who I may meet, what I may experience, how I may change, what I may learn-- and I thank God for a year that has changed me.
I believe that while God is constant and unchanging, we as human beings are made to change, to grow and to develop, and I thank God that development has taken place in my life this year.
It's important to remember where we've been and who we were so that we can get where we're going and become who we're supposed to be. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Basically, when I think "2012," I think,
"Oh hey, that year that I tried all sorts of weird and crazy things that I never thought I would ever try, let alone do and complete.
Oh hey, that year that God stretched me, and it hurt a lot because stretching is used as a technique of torture sometimes... but God wasn't torturing me, He was just molding me.
Oh hey, that year that I'm glad is over but am glad it happened.
Oh hey, that was 2012."

This year...
I led a small group of girls in Bible study (sophomore year), and God taught me how to study His Word in a way that I can teach it to others, how to pursue relationships that are hard to pursue, how to love people who are hard to love and how to love God more than people.
I learned what it's like to be called by God and to just do what He's asking without any ifs, ands or buts.
I saw God provide without any hesitation, and I realized what it means to have faith that God will come through.
God dragged me through dry spells to help me appreciate the rain and growth.

 

teaching
I tutored in a subject that was not my forte, learned to explain things in a way I never had before, had fun times with my student, grew confident in teaching and saw God blooming within me a love for teaching and making people realize their own intelligence.

adventure
I got to experience Boston during our nation's Independence Day-- taste the canolis of the North End, smell the ocean and the musky, city air, see the tall ships floating in the harbor, hear the Boston Pops and crowds of people and touch the soft grass of the Boston Commons.
I got to watch the fireworks above my hometown with the people I love, remembering the freedom of our country and being thankful to those who fight for it.

missions
I traveled to Lebanon on almost a whim, shared the gospel, learned about my family's culture, got to know incredible people, spent an amazing month with Teta (my grandmother), was pushed out of my comfort zone, experienced intense heat, tasted delicious food, spoke in depth with people very different than me, ministered to the most random people and saw God open my heart to His will.

leadership
I was pulled up to a leadership position I didn't expect to be in, spent less time at home than I had hoped, left earlier to school than I had anticipated and began my junior year of college in a way I never imagined.
God allowed me to minister to the girls on the hall that He placed in my life, taught me to love people I never expected to love, humbled me through difficult circumstances and melted my heart from pride, forced me to say things I never wanted to say, silenced me when it was not time to speak, stretched me to do hard things and loved me when no one else did.

friendship
I built friendships I will cherish forever, and God taught me to never question His will. I went on adventures with said friends, relaxed with them, worked hard with them, enjoyed life with them, shared hard times with them, grew with them, just talked with them, learned how to be a friend to them and finally was blessed to know what real friendship looks like by their actions.
I grew in past friendships, resolved past issues, grew apart from past friendships, made new friends, thanked God for old ones, learned how to be a friend to people I would not normally choose to be friends with, experienced people being my friend when I didn't deserve it.

Made life long memories with people who I hope will be in my life forever.

family

I saw my sister grow in her pregnancy, learned what it means to love someone you don't know, grew in anticipation for her child, got to spend a great amount of time with family over the holidays, and just APPRECIATED home.

God taught me what it means to love Him more than anything, how to love people, what love really means, more about who He is, the importance of prayer, the beauty of the Bible, the importance of friendship, the difference of a kind word, the meaning of trusting in Him, how to give up control, how to let go of anxiety, Who is in control, Where to turn for guidance, that my family is a blessing, that people will fail me, that life is unfair, that everybody is beautiful, that GOD IS GOOD.

Home is Wherever I'm With You

The high I get from coming home never really gets old. There's nothing really like it-- that feeling of anticipation as you travel home, eagerly awaiting the people who have seen you grow up, the town that has been the stage of your childhood and the houses that hold dear memories.

It's not that I dislike school or hate being away from home. Actually, I really like school (when it's not stressing me out), and traveling and trying new things is exciting for me. However, no matter where I go, who I meet or what new things I experience, I still resolve that there really is no place like home. Other than the U.S., I've been to (officially) five countries, and within the U.S. I've been to pretty much all of the East Coast states and 3-4 states in the midwest. I would say I've been to a variety of places in my short life (which I'm thankful for and LOVE), but the best lesson I learned from these trips is that home is wherever the people you love are. I honestly could live anywhere, in any country, in any climate, in any culture (for the most part), as long as my loved ones were with me. It's the people that make the place. I loved all those places I visited, but they were missing one thing- the PEOPLE who meant the most to me.

With that said, I absolutely love my friends at school, and they definitely had made my college experience incredible. When I'm home, I miss them so much. Honestly, they're my family away from my family. They make college another home.

I won't lie though- there's something special about the people who have known you as long as you've known yourself. Isn't that an interesting thought?
Now for the official mind-boggler:
God knew you and me before we knew ourselves.
Is your mind blown yet? If not, just wait.
He didn't just know us, He planned us.
That's right. PLANNED. As in, we have a purpose. We were created for a specific intent. We have worth. We were planned.

It's one thing for me to think about my parents knowing me since my first entrance into the world, but it's another thing to realize that God formed me before my mother even knew she was pregnant with me. Even before that, he knew that my parents would get married, and I would be the product of their union. Before that, he knew that my grandparents would have my parents. And it goes on and on and on.

God knew us before anyone did. He knew us before we knew ourselves. He knows us more than anyone still. He knows us more than we know ourselves.
He sees every inner thought, feeling, desire, wish and dream within us, whether pure or impure, and He still LOVES us.

That, my friends, is incredible.

All that to say, while it's amazing to be home with people who know and love me, it's even better to know that no matter where I am or who I'm with, God is always with me and knows me better than anyone. He never misunderstands me and never gives up on me.

So in a way, everywhere is home because God is with me no matter where I go.
GOD is home.
What a GOD I serve. So thankful.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros sing a song called "Home is Wherever I'm With You," which is a very valid and creative phrase. In their song, however they state that even Jesus Christ isn't home compared to their "loved one." When I first heard it, I sort of gasped in shock. You know, that self-righteous "Oh dear, I can't believe someone just said that out loud," gasp. After thinking about it though, I think that's often what I do. I love my family so much, and I love being home so much, that I idolize it in a way, even above my Savior Jesus Christ. I forget that GOD is home. JESUS CHRIST is my home. Unfortunately, Sharpe and the Zeros have yet to find that out, but there's still hope. The song is a beautiful one though and a favorite of mine, but I do hope that someday they do find Jesus (sorry for the Jesus jukeness of this all, but ya know... some things just relate).

Sometimes I ignore the part I disagree with and sing the song to Jesus.
Jesus, Home is wherever I'm with YOU (everywhere). <3

The Love Root

Love.

So misconstrued and misused. Romance has a place in love, but it is the shallowest form.

LOVE.
The surface has yet to be touched for the majority of mankind.

Love between parent and child.
Love between spouses.
Love between family.
Love between friends.
Love for a stranger.
All glimpses of The LOVE from which it all stems.
All we see are the tips of the branches when the roots extend deep within the ground, leaving the most essential and foundational part unseen. If only the "Love Root" were understood, the "love surface" would be more easily tapped into, its accessibility utilized and relayed.

"God does not love us because He created us; He created us because He loves us."

This quote was shared with me once, and it has always intrigued me.
God does not love us because He created us. He created us because He loves us.

A love that initiated life.

Because of the "Love Root," we are existent.
We are given:
breath, life, movement, depth, thought, soul, emotion, pleasure, care, appreciation, beauty

Such things stem from Love.

How can one even attain such a love for others?
Can we truly even enjoy this life without it?

God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, the initiator of all things, including LOVE, is the demonstrator of such love. He is LOVE.

1 John 4:8
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

Romans 5:7-8
"For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

 While we were yet sinners.

In our worst, God loves, and He has given us LIFE. It did not stop at the "emotion of love," but continued into the "action of love." While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Death. The ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate expression of love.

1 John 4:19
"We love, because He first loved us."

Love does not come from us; it comes from Jesus Christ's initiation.
Any love we know, any love we give is a mirror image of the love we've received.

LOVE. The depths are unfathomable.
If we understood the length of God's love, we would cease to attempt to love others or love God with the shallow love of humanity but would instead dispose of such loves in exchange for TRUE LOVE: God's LOVE.

If we loved with the love of Jesus Christ, imagine the power.
Imagine the roots that would be reached. Imagine the hearts that would be touched.

LOVE. God's love covers a multitude of sins.
It forgives. It cares.
It is the Love Root. The initiator for meaningful branches.
The key to removal of fear (1 John 4:18).
 
If only we knew the depths of such LOVE.

Peace that Passes Understanding

It's amazing that sometimes in the most desperate, frustrating times, God is most present and rest most attainable. When we relent to God's plan, whether extremely uncomfortable or not, God blesses.

It's a rare occasion when I find myself letting myself go to God and trusting Him wholly, but when I do, it's incredible. The Bible is spot on when it names God's peace as one that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Oh, don't worry, I had my panic/shock moment last week, but honestly, the fact that I'm not in panic/shock right now and am at peace in Jesus is absolutely divine. There is no other explanation except GOD.

I shared a post a few weeks ago and mentioned Joshua 1's reference to being able to rest in God when we follow His will, and I still fully stand by that. To add to that thought from Joshua, Joshua 4 talks about the importance of passing on to the next generation the lessons God has taught us and the experiences that He has gotten us through.

In order to get through the difficult times in the present, it is essential to REMEMBER what God has gotten us through in the past. We have to remember.

Joshua 4:4-7
⁴ Then Joshua called the twelve men whom he had appointed from the children of Israel, one man from every tribe; ⁵ and Joshua said to them: “Cross over before the ark of the Lord your God into the midst of the Jordan, and each one of you take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the children of Israel, ⁶ that this may be a sign among you when your children ask in time to come, saying, ‘What do these stones mean to you?’ ⁷ Then you shall answer them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord; when it crossed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. And these stones shall be for a memorial to the children of Israel forever.”

It is crucial that we take action and leave physical reminders for ourselves and for those who come after us, burning into our beings the memories of past hardships and the phases God has taken us through in order to learn and to grow, remembering that it was (and is) HE who gave (and gives) us victory in this situation and brought (and brings) us into another stage.

Maybe that's why I like to journal so much (and always have). It's funny, awkward and extremely humiliating to see some of my past thoughts, writings and perspectives, but it also opens my eyes to what God has taught me and how He's grown me so far. It also gives me hope that He will continue to do so and reminds me that this is what's going on right.

This hard stuff? That's growth in the making.
These humiliating situations? That's the knee-dropping necessities.
The discomfort? That's the molding of my heart.

Jesus, I trust You.

Your Society

Here's something I wrote after hearing the song "Selling the News," by Switchfoot. 

"Your Society." 

They tell us our minds are twisted and society has spun us into a web, when in reality, the true spiders are "they."

"You're telling us who to love and how to love," they complain, their minds collapsing and their hearts consuming their sense of right versus wrong.

God meant it when He called the heart deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 29:11).
It seems that the world has had a Freaky Friday moment with right and wrong, right frightened by wrong's manipulation and scheming. Forgetting the ruth and devouring the lies that the Liar so wishes us to believe, masking our failures and sins with "freedom" and swimming in the false perception of love and meaning- this is the condition of our world.

They ask us who we are to "define" love, when the true question is, who are we to defy the One named Love, skewing His character and warping His creation.

The media, with their strings, dance their marionettes to the song of money, self-defeating lust and flesh-eating policies. "Society blinds us and defines us,' they say. This is a clue to their scheme- they silently declare their agenda, spilling out their secret motivations to pollute the minds of individuals through modern mechanisms. The internet and television hold the blackened keys to mesmerizing the minds of the currently innocent, telling them these Liar-spun lies of misplaced worth. Well, our response will always remain: We WILL not be consumed by your society.

They have mindlessly abandoned the Father, and they cling to the fathers they've created to fulfill their lack of love and sense of meaningless existence. If only they knew existence holds more and the truth is before their eyes... Instead they reign in their misery, wishing for the world to submit to their throne of pain and evil. If only their eyes knew Love and their hearts would not eat up their mind with deceit.

"Lost" is the name of their land, and they hold their country with an iron fist, containing their members in a tyrannical dungeon of sin. "Alone in our dark world we will not remain," they yell in shame. "We drag others into our pit of hell and devour the vulnerable in their weaknesses. Join us!" they selfishly exclaim.

The pathway is wide and destructive, but it can be avoided by way of the Savior. Grab hold of this Savior, confused members of society, and eat not of the poison fruit which leads to eternal death. A moment of temporal pleasure or a lifetime of pure and undefiled joy? The choice is yours, but the clocks drain quickly.

Unrequited Love

To be completely honest, the position of RA has quickly (and easily) sunk me into a place of loneliness. To constantly pour love and care into everyone else but not be loved and cared for in return can become extremely draining, especially when that is expected to be the norm for you. I think I understand now what it's like to be a mom.

I know I'm not a mom and don't truly know what it all consists of, but I have been thinking about how amazing mothers are- mine in particular. Just like the position I'm in now, mothers are expected to love and to give. As a child, I always just assumed my mother would cook meals for me, help me with whatever it is I needed help with at the exact moment I needed help, love me when I needed to be loved and listen to all of my problems. Even throughout my teenager years and early adulthood I've had this sort of mindset- until this week. It's a painful thing to be put under those expectations and yet not receive any of those same luxuries in return. Maybe this is overly sentimental, but I truly appreciate my mother now. Mom, thank you for loving me and taking care of me even when you were the one who needed to be loved and taken care of. You are genuinely a priceless jewel.
On a grander scale, I think I've been starting to hit the surface of understanding God's love for us. How hurt he must be when He unconditionally loves us and ultimately sacrificed everything so that we could be set free for something we didn't deserve and don't appreciate.

Salvation. So incredibly under-appreciated.

Jesus, thank you for loving me even when I don't live my life in a way that loves you. I can't even fully comprehend the love that Jesus Christ has for us, but I think He's teaching me the basics of His love. Unrequited love. One-sided sacrifice. Care that is given and not received.

So to actually get to my point...  
Jesus Christ did not love expecting something in return.
Jesus Christ came to love and save because He is GOOD.
Jesus Christ healed, but didn't expect anyone to dab his gruesome, bloody wounds after He was beaten and nailed to a cross.
Jesus Christ just LOVED. He just did, because that's who He is.
Jesus ministered to people because He felt compassion, not because He expected them to care when He was hanging on a tree for their sins and abandoned by all of his friends.
He knew how He would be treated in the end. He knew, and yet He still LOVED and CARED.

As believers, we are not called to love with expectations. We are just called to LOVE.
We are not called to care for others so that maybe in some alternative universe others would also care for us. We are just called to CARE. We're not called to expect, but to pour out. I am not responsible for the way anyone else loves (or lacks love), but I am, however, responsible to fulfill what Christ calls me to do.
Love won't always be reciprocated and care won't always be requited, but that's ok.
The only one who can truly fill us up is Jesus Christ, and that's thing- He always does. We are never in it alone. Ever. We never have to love out of our own strength, because HE is our strength. Without Him, we know no love.

Jesus Christ is our endless supply of love.

Stranger's Impact

Today was one of those days, but it also was one of those days. I don't know if you know what I mean, but, if you don't, no fear. I will explain.

"One of those days." You know- that day where you just want to go home and cuddle with someone who loves you.. and get hugs and lots of them. That day when you wish responsibilities didn't exist and you could just enjoy your life when and how you wanted. That day when all you want to do is stay in your pajamas all day, watch movies and sip your favorite drink. That day when you can't do any of those things. That day when you feel so alone. One of those days.

And then something happened that made it "one of THOSE days." You know- that day when you can't help but see God moving in your life. That day when you're completely encouraged and immersed by the love of God. That day when you feel cared for by a complete stranger.

So, I had been having "one of those days" and was evidently (and embarrassingly) emotional as I walked through the main hallway of our biggest academic building on campus. Worst feeling ever. Everyone sees that your eyes are awkwardly puffy, and it usually just results in people avoiding eye contact with you because it's awkward to see someone cry (especially if you don't know them). I already hate crying in front of people, mind you, so this was just not a fun experience.
As I walked through the hallway, avoiding all individuals, I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Are you ok?" A total stranger who I happened to awkwardly  make eye contact with earlier had turned around to make sure I was ok. Me. I don't know him, and he cared.

I was really confused at first because I was trying to figure out if I knew him or something, but I didn't. I was already over-thinking life, so a total stranger asking me about my feelings kind of threw me off a little bit. I responded with an uncomfortable, "Uh.. oh yeah, I'm alright. Just a little stressed," and threw in a little forced smile. "Is it school? Or something back home?" He asked some other things but I definitely was not all with it, so I can't exactly remember. "I can't really talk about it," I told him, "but just stuff. Thanks though." "Well, can I pray for you?" ...How do you even say no to that? So, of course I told him that he could. "Can I pray with you right now?" So, you guessed it, he pulled me to the side in the middle of the building, during the the rush hour of the hallways, placed his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me right there. Then he walked away, and we went on with our days.

It was legitimately the most awesome act of kindness I have ever experienced from any stranger in my entire life. I know it seems miniscule, but it mattered to me. In that moment of despair, I remembered that God is with me. I bet this guy didn't know how much that encouraged me, but it did. It reminded me that I am not alone and that God places people in our path who care about us, even if it's just for a moment. When that guy put his hand on my shoulder and started to pray, it was as if Jesus himself had his hand on my shoulder telling me that it would be all right.

I thank God for Christians like him who show the love that they claim to believe, and I pray that I will be that random encourager in a stranger's day. The stranger they will remember, just as I will always remember this stranger. If only we knew what a kind word means to someone and acted on this knowledge. If only we cared enough. If only we remember how Christ loves us. If only we reverberated that love to others.

Live the Gospel

Do you know how many posts I've started that I haven't finished yet? A lot. I'll get to them eventually- I promise. For now, I'm going to write what God taught me tonight during my Jesus time (which was the best part of my day, by the way. EXACTLY what I needed, as always).

I have been reading in 1 Corinthians, which has been absolutely incredible. Chapter 3 speaks powerfully on God's work vs. man's work and the necessity for us to rely on Him to grow people (not us). In chapter 4, Paul talks about being faithful stewards of whatever opportunities and talents God has given us (everything we are and have is from Him and for Him). Chapter 5-7 focus a lot on purity, dealing with issues between other believers (brethren in the church) and marriage, while chapter 8 goes into the whole "stumbling block" topic (a favorite topic in churches).

Tonight, I read in 1 Corinthians 9, and it was beautiful. The first part involves not being a hypocrite (vs. 1-18). Basically, verse 14 sums it all up:

"Even so the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should live the gospel."

Am I practicing what I preach? Am I living the gospel? What does it mean to LIVE the gospel?
The gospel: the good news that, although we are sinners and deserve hell, Jesus Christ made a way for us to be with him in heaven. He voluntarily came to earth (leaving His throne) in the form of a human being to die on a cross in humiliation and then rise from the dead three days later, triumphing from the grave. GRACE and MERCY.
Am I living GRACE, MERCY and LOVE?
Am I living SACRIFICE?
Am I living HOPE?
Am I living the gospel?

Verse 19 then basically defines the entire Christian life:

"For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a SERVANT to ALL, that I might win the more..."

True beauty and sacrifice. In my freedom, am I being a servant to others, showing them Christ & winning them into His love?
Verse 27- Live above reproach and as an example.

My prayer is that Jesus Christ will do these things in me. My prayer is that Jesus Christ will teach me to live the gospel, to serve in my freedom and to be above reproach.

Lebanon Trip- Part 3

Week Three:

Sunday, July 22nd, 2012

"Church was good today, but I have a hard time understanding sometimes. It's interesting to be in Saida during Ramadan. They fast from sun up to sun down, but from like 7 p.m. till around 4 a.m. they feast. Interesting. I sort of like the fact that it's so easy to creep on everyone here, but I also don't like it because that means everyone creeps on me, too. I wonder if the word "privacy" can be translated into the Arabic language? Somehow I doubt it." 

"I have a skype interview with the RD tonight at 9 p.m. and I'm sort of nervous. I wonder what type of questions she'll ask me. There's really no way to prepare, so let's just pray that God gives me wisdom."

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

 "Most people's trips here are drawing to an end, and mine is so tentative. I had the interview last night, but I'm not sure what's going to happen. There's a lot of waiting going on right now. Last night, after the interview we met everyone at the jnanee (as usual), and we talked, chilled and played this card game called 400. Then I slept over Maha's, and we watched "Despicable Me," (not to be mistaken by "Indespicable Me" .. *cough cough* Matthew *cough cough*). Today I went to the pool with Maha, Matthew and Roger and then everyone in the "group" happened to go, too, and it was awesome. Sirena, Bob, Patrick, Maria and a bunch of others. It was a ton of fun. We swam, played water basketball, talked, chilled, etc. It was like the whole town was there. Now, time to just chill. I hung out with Manwella a bit after, too. I am legitimately a little bit nervous to see what happens with the RA thing. I want it, but I also really want to go to the Mutamar (Bible Conference). I'm not sure what to do or what will happen. Dear Lord, help me to be the woman You want me to be and a woman that's worthy of a man who's worth it. Help me not to be moody or emotional, but stable-minded. I'm almost done this journal! Well, Antoinette (yes, I name my journals), it's been a fun six months, but our time here has concluded. I hope you've enjoyed my thoughts and prayers. I hope nothing I said will embarrass me in the future, but I guess either way, this is me. Right now. In this point in my life. 20 years old and so much to learn. Oh God, You are my God. In earnest will I seek YOU."

 Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

"So, I'm in Lebanon and I'm done my other journal. So this little purple journal will have to do. So, right now I'm waiting awkwardly to see what will happen for next semester at school- whether I'm going to have to leave early to be an RA or what. Taunt Farida said, "Wherever God plants us, we must learn to bloom somehow." I thought that was an awesome quote. So far, I would consider this to be a really fruitful trip. God has been working, but in a lot more subtle ways than I expected. I have been able to build a ton of relationships and talk about God and the gospel a ton. I have built friendships with girls from all over the U.S. & world and younger girls from the church. I have been able to be here for Teta and help her when I can. I am learning so much more Arabic, though it's still broken and embarrassing. I'm learning a lot about the people, the culture and the country."

"So, I just found out I got the RA position. Whatttt. Looks like I'm leaving early. And going to be an RA. Lord, I'm not sure what exactly it is that You are doing, but I'm cool with whatever it is. I'm amazed by You, Jesus. The song "White Flag" keeps going on in my head, and I don't think that's a coincidence. "I raise my white flag, I surrender all to You, all for You." However, I'm getting sad that I can't go to the Mutamar. As of now anyway. I'm ready to go, but this has been an awesome trip."

"Today, I spent some time with Manwella. Then I went with Maha to this guy Elie's house who is an atheist. Such interesting conversations with him. I got to talk to him about what I believe a lot. We mostly just argued, but it was interesting. It turns out his brother is an evangelical Christian. Lord, use his brother in his life. Open his heart. After that we hung out at Matthew's house for a bit. Then I came back home and stressed about my ticket change and all that, which is all up in the air. You know, I find that my refusals to drink alcohol, smoke, swear or dress immodestly have been some of the most interesting witnessing opportunities ever. =P. Sirena, Manwella and I got to watch the Christmas special of Downton Abbey and it was fantastic! At night, a huge group of us went to a restaurant in Saida, and it was a good time. I got to call Baba! Then the jnanee of course. I hope it's ok that I'm cutting my trip short, and that it's what God wants. I guess I will find out. Lord, show me Your ways."

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

"I've been thinking a lot about what RA is going to entail, and I realize I must prepare myself mentally for difficulties and immense responsibility. Loneliness will be a part of life I must grasp and accept, and standing alone will probably happen. I'm not sure exactly what will happen, but I guess it will be like being a camp counselor on a completely different level. I'm learning to just take each moment by faith and not always need a plan. Ultimately, it's not about my plan. I wonder if God's even ok with me missing the Mutamar.. or if He doesn't care either way."

"I love Moses. So much. I relate to him a lot. Even though I still stink at speaking Arabic, He's grown my Arabic a ton. Dear Lord, keep helping me become fluent in Arabic. Help me to be a light wherever I go. I feel as though my perspective on Lebanon and Lebanese culture has really developed and changed. I appreciate a lot more about the culture, and I dislike a lot more about the culture as well. I love the beauty of the mountains, but I hate the heat of the sun. When it all comes down to it, people are people. Life is life. Culture is culture. No matter where in the world, sinful people exist and abide. We're all wrong in our methods (according to one another). Lebanese scoff at American culture and American's scoff at the Middle East. Being a Lebanese-American, I find beauty and brokenness in both."

"As of now, there are no open tickets for tomorrow, Friday, Saturday Sunday and so on. Maybe God wants me to go to the Mutamar after all. Right now, I'm just waiting on God. Lord, work it out. I have no power in this situation, whatsoever."

"I'm in church right now and Pastor Pierre is speaking on the sower (Mark 4). I am trying to not worry about any uncertainties in life right now and just enjoy being here. I know that God has me right where He wants me at precisely the time He wants me there. I love being in this church because it reminds me of Baba and makes me feel like I'm getting to know Gidoo (grandpa) just a little bit. What an incredible man he must have been to have raised such an incredible son as Baba. I'm proud of my family and my heritage, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's kind of fun not knowing which country I'm going to be in within the next week. I have a pretty interesting life.. I'm not going to lie. I think Pastor Pierre is talking about planting cherries right now, but I'm not really sure. I'm usually a little lost when they speak in the more formal Arabic. Oh well. He's talking about babies now? I think. Oh, he's talking about growing in the faith past a child- moving on from "baby food," and the necessity of reading the Bible and spending time with believers. SO true. It's essential to survival. I feel like Christians often can relate to those endangered species on the discovery channel: we have to stick together to survive and people often stare at us, totally weirded-out by our unique characteristics and sort of intimidated by our originality from the rest of the animal kingdom. I even feel like I live in a zoo sometimes- everyone always watching and commenting, as if they know the ins and outs of our life."

"I'm not going to lie, my dad is the best man I have ever known in my life. Good luck to all men, because Baba has set the bar HIGH. Thanks, Lord, for my family!"

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

 "Today I put my feet in the Mediterranean Sea and got seashells from the beach. I went with two women from the church and Maha to an all-woman's beach/pool. It was really nice, but now I'm super burnt. So I'm pretty exhausted, so I gotta write pretty fast. After the beach, went to Maha's and got a really sweet message from Simon which made my day. I just heard a terrifying noise outside that sounded like a wild cat shriek.. or sneeze. Anyway, I was at Maha's for a while until Matthew came. As he came, I received a message from the RD, Hillary, saying it was fine for me to come August 9th! Praise God! So, I get to go to the Mutamar AND be an RA this year! Oh snap!"

"I ate McDonald's in Lebanon today, and it was delivered to us! The sandwich was HUGE.. like the size of my face. Joanne (from Australia) is leaving tomorrow, so we hung out with her for a while and all that."

Friday, July 27th, 2012

"So, I didn't get to read the Bible today yet which stinks, but the night is still young. I woke up and went straight to Taunt Jacko's to see Charlie, Celine and Sabine (my second cousins) who are here from the States as well. We hung out, caught up on all that we missed since Thanksgiving (we get together on holidays a lot), played a card game called Likha (same as Hearts) and 400, and we watched the Three Stooges. Then I came back and had some alone time in the house, which was nice. Right now I'm at church for prayer meeting. I like this church a lot. The power just went out. Haha."

"Megan, my future RA partner and roommate emailed a sweet email, and it made me smile. I'm looking forward to this, but man do I have no idea what I'm doing. It's going to be a humbling experience to say the least, but God is good (all the time). I pray that the speaker at the Mutamar speaks in a way that I understand. I hope I make friends. Jesus, help me to be an example, a leader, a servant, a friend and a mentor. Give me strength. Help Megan and I to work together awesomely. Build an awesome partnership and friendship =). Be with our SLDs and be with our prayer leaders. Use the hall and the team in each girl's lives. All 30ish of them- it's going to be a cozy group, but it's going to be awesome! Jesus, I pray that You give us wisdom. Good thing this is a small hall. I don't think I could handle 70 girls this year. Good thing God KNOWS. Wow. He is way sovereign. The fact that He would put me on that hall and not allow me to go anywhere else. He just KNOWS. And the fact that there were no flights to go home early makes me all the more excited to go to the Mutamar because it means that God wants me to go for a reason. What do I know? What do we know? Only He knows. Jesus Christ just wins my heart everyday. This is random, but Lord, teach me someday how to raise my kids to love You and be honoring to You."

"Aww I miss Grace and Kurt. And Mama and Baba. And Simon. Jesus, take care of us as You always do. Keep using me while I'm here and help everything I do to be for Your glory. Help me to be courageous, but also wise. Help me to make a difference in the lives of everyone You put in my path. Help me to be a LIGHT. Help me to live up to my name forever. I just made the correlation between my name and the desire You've given me (my name mean's Light). Hahaha. You're funny, Jesus. You rock at the English language.. since of course you created it. HAHA Yes!! You're the best."

"Tonight was fun. After church, hung out at the jnanee with Maha, Youssef, Charlie, Chris (from FL), Roger, Matthew etc. We hung out, chilled, walked people home, etc."

"Your actions are what define you, but from the heart, thoughts and speech, actions are produced. 'We are forms of everything we love.' -(Good Monsters)."