Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

Baby Kyle, minus the full beard.

As of February 28th, I am an aunt (not pronounced like the insect).

Basically, I cannot contain my excitement and generally tell everyone I see. I don't know half of them (well.... I do now. Even the lady who works at the dining hall... We're friends now, and she asks to see pictures of the little tyke).

My sister, Grace, texted me every now and then on Wednesday, updating me on her current "situation." (I will avoid details for your own sake). As the afternoon approached, so did baby's arrival. Grace texted me with a "Pray for me. Kurt's taking me to the hospital." 
Of course, I was restless from that point on.
School work? Yeah whatever.

Around 9:30 p.m., text updates from my mom begin to filter in.
"Grace is doing breathing exercises."
"Grace is now walking a little bit in the hallway with Kurt upon the doctor's instructions."
"...We have to go to the waiting room now." (which was the cue that the time was approaching)

It was around this time that I started to get really sad that I couldn't be there with my sister. Her life is changing forever, and I'm here at school. Eating peanut butter and writing articles about the housing industry. I guess that's life sometimes.

The night went on, and my focus was officially wounded. It hasn't fully recovered since then.

I attempted to get to bed around 1:30 a.m. Thursday morning (to no avail). Prayers for my sister and the baby were all that were going through my mind... and for Kurt too. I mean, I can't imagine how traumatizing this must be for a husband... I don't really want to know right now.
Due to my restlessness, I decided I would scroll through my non-phone iPhone (I'll explain this to you sometime) and see if the social media world could distract me.
What happened next will probably go down in the history books of our family.
Here is the exact Facebook message from my cousin Simon (who is also away at college):
Simon: "GRACE HAD THE BABY!?!?!"
Me: "She's in labor right now!!"
Simon: "DETAILS."
Me: *details*
Simon: "I wonder if she's going crazy right now...."
Simon: "Get on skype! Let's share our excitement!"
Me: "hahah no I should be sleeping."
Simon: "SKYPE ME.
HOW OFTEN CAN WE SKYPE WHILE GRACE IS IN LABOR?
YOLO."

Yes. He said "YOLO."

So I gave in. And I'm so thankful I did.
Now Simon and I can tell little Kyle that though we could not see him in his first few hours of life, we did in fact have a 2 a.m. Skype conversation about his entrance into the world.
I also have the quotes saved to prove our subtle involvement in this situation....

Simon: "What's his name going to be?"
Me: "Kyle Alden ....."
Simon: "Kyle Alden ..... ? That's the whitest name I've ever heard."
Disclaimer: Simon is half German.

Me: BABYY! BABBBBBYYY!!!
Simon: "You're not even having the baby. Grace is, and you're crazier than she is."

Me: *typing really quickly to document all of Simon's hilarious quotes*
Simon: “All I can hear is you typing. It’s like you're giving birth through the keyboard.”

Me: *whispering into the webcam* “THE BABY IS COMING”

Simon: “Well now I’m going to have nightmares."

Simon: "What do you think the baby’s favorite food will be? Something white people like.. like cabbage or carrots or something gross."

Simon: “He’s born on my mom’s birthday!!! …. They should name him Stephanie. It's only fair.”

Me: "I'm glad we're Skyping during this so we can commiserate together about not being there."
Simon: “Well yeah.. how often does Grace give birth? What.. like maybe.. one more time?”

Simon: "It's going to be a gigantic baby... did you see how big Grace was?! He's going to come out like 30 years old and be like... *deep voice* 'Hey, mom.'"

Me: "Yeah... like 'Hey, mom. I have a beard.'"

Simon: "Instead of being one of those babies with a full head of hair, it's going to be one with a full beard."

Simon and me randomly in unison: "THE BABIES ARE COMING! THE BABIES ARE COMING!"
Disclaimer: this was unplanned
*Explanation: our own rendition of "the British are coming!" ... in case you couldn't figure that out 

Simon: *deep in thought* ".....What if baby Kyle grows up to be the next Michael Buble?"

....Such were the 2 a.m. conversations of Simon and I on the day of my nephew's birth.
Sleep finally happened.
Baby Kyle was born at 5:01 a.m.

A picture my dad sent me of the little one. His first day of life.

Happy emerging into the world, Kyle! I am glad that you don't actually have a full beard.

You have been born into an extremely strange (but incredibly awesome) family!
YOU ARE SO LOVED. You don't even know.
So, little nephew, I will meet you in exactly one week. Be prepared for an unlimited amount of love and affection. You also probably will get blogged about a lot. Sorry in advance.

Love, 

Your Auntie =)

The Love Root

Love.

So misconstrued and misused. Romance has a place in love, but it is the shallowest form.

LOVE.
The surface has yet to be touched for the majority of mankind.

Love between parent and child.
Love between spouses.
Love between family.
Love between friends.
Love for a stranger.
All glimpses of The LOVE from which it all stems.
All we see are the tips of the branches when the roots extend deep within the ground, leaving the most essential and foundational part unseen. If only the "Love Root" were understood, the "love surface" would be more easily tapped into, its accessibility utilized and relayed.

"God does not love us because He created us; He created us because He loves us."

This quote was shared with me once, and it has always intrigued me.
God does not love us because He created us. He created us because He loves us.

A love that initiated life.

Because of the "Love Root," we are existent.
We are given:
breath, life, movement, depth, thought, soul, emotion, pleasure, care, appreciation, beauty

Such things stem from Love.

How can one even attain such a love for others?
Can we truly even enjoy this life without it?

God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, the initiator of all things, including LOVE, is the demonstrator of such love. He is LOVE.

1 John 4:8
"He who does not love does not know God, for God is love."

Romans 5:7-8
"For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

 While we were yet sinners.

In our worst, God loves, and He has given us LIFE. It did not stop at the "emotion of love," but continued into the "action of love." While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Death. The ultimate sacrifice. The ultimate expression of love.

1 John 4:19
"We love, because He first loved us."

Love does not come from us; it comes from Jesus Christ's initiation.
Any love we know, any love we give is a mirror image of the love we've received.

LOVE. The depths are unfathomable.
If we understood the length of God's love, we would cease to attempt to love others or love God with the shallow love of humanity but would instead dispose of such loves in exchange for TRUE LOVE: God's LOVE.

If we loved with the love of Jesus Christ, imagine the power.
Imagine the roots that would be reached. Imagine the hearts that would be touched.

LOVE. God's love covers a multitude of sins.
It forgives. It cares.
It is the Love Root. The initiator for meaningful branches.
The key to removal of fear (1 John 4:18).
 
If only we knew the depths of such LOVE.

Let's Remember

The 4th of July.

A time when our country is actually unified about something: our common love for this land. All politics aside, we are Americans, and I am thankful for days like Independence Day that remind us of that. It's how our founding fathers wanted it.. and they warned us of political parties, didn't they? Good ol' George Washington. He knew what he was talking about.

Once upon a time, our country just wanted freedom. Freedom to believe openly, freedom to speak, freedom to live under God. God was not a name that was prohibited in formal education, but rather was common, because it was understood that it was God who had given them these freedoms.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,---That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
- The Declaration of Independence

"Freedom is not the right to do as you please, but the liberty to do as you ought."
- Author Unknown

America, let us not forget. Those who fought for our freedoms since the birth of our country did not fight for us to be able to sin as we please. They fought to give us the right to be the better men and women in the world. We have the ability to live. If only we remembered the meaning of living.

Living is not gaining the most money.
Living is not building the biggest house.
Living is not about our toys.
Living is not about any of that.
Living involves God's presence. Living involves the people God has placed in our lives. Living involves LIFE- not stationery, immovable objects that will cease to live on in eternity.
When we're gone, what will last?

Let's remember who we are.
Let's remember why we're here and how we got here.
Let's remember Who ultimately gave us this liberty.
Let's remember what our founding fathers so ardently fought for.

Lewis Quotes

I always have loved C.S. Lewis as an author and fellow Christian, but I've especially been on a Lewis kick the past few days. So, here is a post dedicated solely to some of my favorite quotes via the man who brought us the world of Narnia.



"We are what we believe we are."

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward."

"If you want religion to make you comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity."

"Don't let your happiness depend on something you may lose."

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

"I believe in Christ like I believe in the sun- not because I can see it, but because by it I can see everything else."

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."

"You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream."

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."

 "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither."

 "If God had granted all the silly prayers I've made in my life, where should I be now?"

 "He who has God and everything else has no more than he who has God only."

"Heaven is that greater glory of which Nature is only the first sketch."

 Those are just a few, but I just love them.

Mission Freshman Year: Accomplished

A school year has come and gone, and I cannot believe it. As my parents drive me the thirteen hour trip back home, I can’t help but remember each significant memory from my first year of college that has aided in making me who I am right now. We drove the same route, with a car just as packed as it is now, to arrive for the first time to college. I was so lost on campus, and so oblivious to what would happen the coming year and how much God would teach me and grow me. My roommates were strangers and my room was just a place to put my mounds of stuff. Everyone seemed way older than I, and my significance seemed to be nonexistent on such a large campus with so many college students from all over the world. Terror overcame me as I thought of being on my own, away from the comfort of my family and home.

College classes? “Well, I guess I should stock up on tissue boxes in order to dry the many tears I will shed due to my future pains of school work. If I was overwhelmed in high school at times, I can’t imagine how mind-boggled I will be due to the amount of work.” 

Faith? I was lacking it. I had no idea that while God would not only get me through my school work and give me the strength to get over whatever fears I had, He would also get me through everything else and more. 

I didn’t know that being independent and on my own would be the best thing I would ever experience and exactly what I would need to begin to grow up. It also was beyond my knowledge that my stranger roommates would become my sisters. My dorm room would be come my second home, and many of the girls on my hall and in my building would become lifelong friends. Instead of constantly wishing to be home, my dorm would become another home and my college would become the community I've always wanted.

There were good times and bad times, but mostly great times. Here's a few memories I recorded throughout the year:

~Jazz concerts.. snap snap snap

First week of school with my new roommates:

“I have a confession- I’m Carla and I look like Miley Cyrus.” -Carla
“Well Miley Cyrus sings.” –Kaytee
“If that’s what you call it.” -Carla
“I said she sings, that doesn’t mean it’s a joyful noise.” -Kaytee
“Guys... I have a confession. I like ‘The Climb’.” -Lena

Interesting late night talks..

“There’s jocks, there’s musicians, and then there’s cowboys.”

College students tend to yell out of car windows.. a lot..

“Walking’s good for your legsss!” *all the guys turn and look*

We know our school's anthem.. we really do. (Football Games)
“Flan the fames!! Flan the fames of Liberly!!” -Carla

108 <3

“We haven’t named our room..” “LET’S NAME IT PHILIPPA!”

~Webcamming Carla while sitting next to her

Long nights of studying result in typing random things without knowing...

“ilovepi” –Kaytee

“SHE HAD THOSE BOOTS! I coveted.” –Kaytee

“Is that real?!” “no.” “Carla, I’m so glad you don’t have a moustache!” –Kaytee

~cramming seven girls in Carla's little car

“I want a guy with a little spazz.. I mean snazz.” –Lena
“..Well, Lena wants a skitzo..” –Carla

Such adventures while doing laundry...
“A PENNY! 149 more and YOU CAN DO YOUR LAUNDRY! Don’t use that dryer.. that would be stupid.. and you are noooot stupid!” –some random man at the Laundromat.

Roommate love..

Lena: This is weird. I don’t like it. I don’t want to look at it anymore.
Carla: You’re weird. I don’t like you. I don’t want to look at you anymore.

Our brother dorm singing to us and doing synchronized dance moves

All night of prayer <3

“You can talk about life, you can talk about liberty….. and the pursuit of happiness.”
-Carla

“I did never know you.” –Me. Late nights. Enough said.

The things we put on the room white board..

“They’re climbin in our windows snatchin our people up (Kaytee), so I guess I better hide my kids (Carla).”

“WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING LIKE YOU’RE GIVING BIRTH  TO A HEIFFER.” –Kaytee

~Emily R. getting locked out of her room & us breaking into her room through the window.

~Being in Humble Tip’s music video

~Gold Sequin Hat Guy.. Need I say more?

~SWITCHFOOT CONCERT: touching Jon Foreman’s hand and being way up in the front with awesome friends.

~ROOMMATE DATES <3

~“I hate English I want to beat it up!” to Life in Technicolor

~Rosemother!

~The big red exercise ball. Otherwise known as Bally.

I almost choke to death and Carla says...

~"I feel like I almost died just now, BUT THAT WAS YOU!"

More late night talks with the roommates..

"I would like to put in a work order to remove the maintenance man from my room."

"Guys, I don't mean a juvenile delinquent!" "...you're gonna have to help me spell that." –Late nights with the roommates

"It's people like them that make people believe in evolution.. they look like they came from monkeys!" –Kaytee.. enough said.

"I don't like driving then. The deer come out.. the drunks come out.." –Carla

According to my roommates, I talk in my sleep..

“IT’S 2:07! IT’S 2:07!” “Yes, Lena, it is 2:07." "NO, BUT IT'S 2:07!" "Lena, you won’t remember this tomorrow will you?” “Hm.. *mumble* * fall back asleep*”

CONCERTS: Bluetree, The Almost, Switchfoot, Addison Road, Matt Maher, Tenth Avenue North, Rush of Fools, Downhere, Seabird

~Hall activites & Special Hallmeeting

“Ok, my last story of the night. So, I had a pair of pants…” -Carla

~Intramural Volleyball!! Go Mutants :] 

 

While registering for classes (Beavers is the last name of the teacher I got stuck with next semester)..
“This is no time for singing.. I HAVE BEAVERS!!” –Me

*banging on the wall* (“hiding” on Carla’s bed)

Easter weekend with amazing friends

The list goes on, but those are just a few. <3 forever memories.