Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

Reminiscing the Ranch

I wrote this article on the train ride back from camp this summer, but as usual forgot to finish it. Thankfully, I stumbled upon it when looking through my documents.

Here's a little summary of my El Rancho de Paz experiences. Enjoy!

What were my feelings coming into camp? Extreme fear. With no idea of what to expect, no prior experience, and a rush of the unknown, my entire being told me that I wouldn’t be able to handle being a counselor at El Rancho de Paz. Yet, while the physical told me I would be unable, the spiritual assured me that God was bringing me here for a reason, and He wouldn’t leave me to face the summer alone (which would be a recurring theme in my life this summer).
            What are my feelings now that the summer has come to a close? Absolute awe. In the words of one of our favorite camp songs, “I stand to praise You as I fall on my knees.” God proves faithful over and over, and this summer God’s faithfulness exceeded my expectations beyond the imagination.
            As the summer began, staff training definitely broke off a lot of the initial fears of camp regarding staff unity and camp dynamics. I was immediately comforted by the fact that the rest of the staff was just as crazy and weird as I was, and that their passion for God and people went above and beyond my expectations. The summer continued, and I never ceased to learn, though much of the time I did not willingly volunteer the lessons upon myself. I was forced to try some camp activities that I would normally avoid in a day in the life of Lena (such as paintball, climbing the tower, and fire building), and by the end of the summer, I can venture to say, I even enjoyed these activities.

            Many of the occurrences that I assured myself would be the death of me ended up being the most outrageously fun experiences I have had since I was little tyke, or maybe even ever. Although many of my fellow staff members may have started off with the assumption that many of the activities weren’t a big deal for me, my family and friends from back home were shocked, and maybe even appalled at the fact that I would, God forbid, stomp through a pond of mud with middle school girls, or go on a “toad hike” in the woods with junior-aged campers, catching toads like warriors and singing to them like friends.

One of my favorite memories from LIT week was our “rebellious” attempt to sneak out after lights out and go for a late night swim, mysteriously sifting through the bunkhouse doors two at a time, crawling behind the bunkhouse like secret agents, and darting towards the pool like we were to have the last swim of our lives. Wonderfully enough, since my campers had no idea that I’m not a natural rule-breaker, I convinced the girls that if we were caught, I would most definitely, without-a-doubt get fired; this of course added an extra measure of fear and intensity to the situation. As Mr. Steve “caught” us in the pool, I will never forget the girls’ reactions which started out as expressions of fear and remorse, slowly transforming to laughter and the beauty of the fact that they had been “punk’d.” This was definitely an incident I will always remember, as I’m sure will all the LIT ladies.

            While I enjoyed most of the camp activities, the experiences which I will remember and re-tell for the rest of my life are the ones involving the spiritual growth in campers, staff, and myself, which I was blessed enough to witness and sometimes be used in. While at El Rancho de Paz, I saw campers open up their hearts to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I saw teenaged girls, broken in their insecurities and past experiences, pouring out their hearts and breaking through their self-built barriers (myself included). I witnessed the sanctuary that El Rancho acts as in the lives of many, and the impact one camp can have in the hearts and souls of children, teenagers, and young adults of all different backgrounds, experiences, personalities, and ages.  

            All throughout the summer, each week seemed to bring different trials and life-lessons to the table, growing both the campers and the staff as a whole. The last week in particular (junior-middle), I was blessed enough to experience first-hand three middle school girls in my group accepting Christ and two rededicating their lives to Christ. To the rest of the world, five exists as a minor number in comparison to the millions of teenagers in the world, or even to the hundreds of campers El Rancho de Paz receives every summer, but to me, these five girls’ decisions may very well have been the most incredible, beautiful experiences I have ever witnessed in my own personal life.

            I thank God for the people I got to know, the lessons I got to learn, and the situations I got to experience. El Rancho de Paz opened a new window in my mind, not only teaching me about God’s creation but also about life through the drastically diverse people I came in contact with. I do believe that The Ranch has left a permanent mark on my life, and I know that I will carry with me every moment experienced during the summer of 2011 at El Rancho. God is good, and that is all there is to it.

The array of happenings called life.

Well, I feel as though it's been quite a while since I've blogged, and I feel correctly.
I've begun about 4 or 5 blogs in the past week or so, but failed in actually writing something worth posting. So, what's been happening in my life lately.. let's see. 

Summer internship twenty minutes away from home, working with a magazine? Check.
Another possible internship for the summer after at a television station? Check.
God providing me with $75? Check. (No pun intended)
Reading the most incredible book by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love? Check.
Spending a week with the most incredible family ever? Check.
Christmas lights popping up all over campus? Check.
Two different sorts of roommate dates in one day? (previous and current). Check. 
An encouraging prayer group today? Check.
Crazy intense workout and growing muscles? Check.
Annihilating a paper until 2 a.m. and leaving in style, mulling through the rain in a light sweatshirt and sweatpants? Check.

Random thing that I love: getting mail from friends from back home and from my campers. That is love right there...
I also love hearing from my campers and their constant reminders at what an incredible summer we had together. I learned so much from all of the incredible people I worked with, staff and campers together.

Spiritual lesson of late: God's infinite love.
No matter how unloved I feel, I AM loved.. by the ultimate lover. The CREATOR of the universe. The MAKER of time.
It's amazing how many times I can learn about God's love and still stand in awe each time. In fact, the awestruck factor grows significantly during every moment that He shows me His love, which is frequent. What really boggles my mind is the fact that God's love is even greater for me than even my closest family members. I'm not sure why I feel so "out of love" when I'm not with my family. I think I forget how much Jesus Christ loves me.. and I fail to thank Him for it.
God has definitely been showing me how much I rely on the love of people. Well, people will fail me. God will not. People may not forgive me. Jesus Christ already has. People may not always be around. God is infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. 

Another topic: it's amazing how God works things out. Situations I thought would brew and stew and eat me alive somehow evaporated... but I know that "somehow" really is not a "somehow" at all. "Somehow" implies that it was a coincidence, when I know pretty confidently that there are no coincidences with God. One quote someone posted on facebook recently was, "Coincidences are just God choosing to remain anonymous." I like that.

God is good and that's all there is to it. He takes me as I am, cleanses me from pains I cannot cleanse myself from, and restores me into a new person daily. How absolutely refreshing it is to be renewed into who God shapes me to be, rather than shaping myself. We all know I have no artistic skills. (God created the universe.. so I think it's safe to say He's pretty artistic).

God bless, and goodnight!

Camp: Memories and Lessons.

So it's definitely been a while since I last posted.. which is expected due to the craziness of camp counselor life (and craziness is slightly an understatement). I definitely love it here and know that God sent me here for the purpose of not only encouraging campers spiritually, but also for my own growth and maturing.

This summer I have been learning (dramatically) what it means to humble myself in my weaknesses in order to encourage others to develop their strengths. While I'm not, by any means, a "campy" person, I have learned that through my need for help and strength, God's grace is shown in my life.

While here at camp I have tried things I probably would never have tried had I not been forced by my job description (camp counselor, aka, one who will do every activity in order to encourage campers to do every activity, even if it involves intense humiliation and ego-smashing). I've been able to attempt to play paintball, climb the tower (kind of like a rock-wall, for those of you who don't know what it is) even though I haven't made it to the top (yet), practice my swimming skills (or lack thereof), and bring out my wild side which sings and dances like a maniac in order to get kids to have some fun and be a little weird.
"There was a great big moooose and he drank a lot of juice!"

Fun highlights of my time here so far?
Doing a late-night swim with my LIT girls, convincing them that if anyone found out I would get fired, and then freaking the living daylights out of them when the program director, Mr. Steve "caught" us.

Going on a "toad hike" with my junior girls. Picture this: me with a group of 8-11 year olds, marching through the woods while holding shoulders, capturing toads in paper cups, and then releasing them while chanting "FROGGIES! FROGGIES! FROGGIES, WE LOVE YOU! NOW WE SET YOU FREE!" over and over again, all while wearing some war paint (which we got from the coals from our campfire). That is what I call an amazing time. I definitely will always remember it.

Waking up in the middle of the night due to an intense thunderstorm, finding two of my campers scared in their beds, and then during it getting to tell them about how Jesus calmed an intense storm and showed His incredible power. There's a reason God brings storms.


There are a ton of other amazing memories that I will have to post later, but for now I must say goodbye.
Hope you all are enjoying your summer!
God bless <3.

Peace in the Sunrise

This morning, between 3 and 4am, I woke up to an intense feeling of fear. I wrote about it in my journal around 4am or so, so I will just copy to you what I wrote this morning, for there is no other way to describe the incredible two hours I have just had, except for exactly how I wrote about it as it happened.

"It's almost 4am and I've woken up due to overheating and nightmares. My dreams consisted of something like this: I was a mom with two children, living out of a suitcase, hiding from my husband, running from hotel to hotel. Every weekend he tries to come for them. The part I particularly remember is that I was putting away silverware and glass bowls in a china cabinet, fearing whatever was to happen that night, thinking about my brother's wife who was mentally unstable and I feared would come for me.

At this point, I had an almost overwhelming fear which woke me up to where I am now. I'm not saying my dream means anything, because it's no doubt that it is just the suppression of inner sinful fear and lack of trusting in God, because fear is not of God.

When I woke up, I was clutching the bedsheets and sweating, not bullets, but significantly. I looked up to see the time and as I reached for the lamp, I overpoweringly thought to myself, "So it's at night that I say God must speak to me in His word (but yet I haven't been reading), so then it's at night you will. You have some catching up to do." I switch tenses because I really feel that God wanted me to open His word for a reason.

As I opened my Bible, I felt that I should read in Isaiah where I left off a while ago. I read this verse:
Isaiah 35:4

"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with a vengeance, with the recompense of God He will come and save you."

This verse, though probably taken out of direct context, gave me an incredible peace as I read it. In my life lies all these physical and spiritual, present and future fears: fears of the future, fears of spiritual warfare, fears of persecution, and fears of insecurity. I have come to realize that these fears MUST be dealt with and removed, because there is "NO fear in love."
1 John 4:17-19

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."

This is not to say that I have been visited by God, because God is always with me. This is to say that apparently within me lie these unknown fears which need to be addressed, because while in fear, my love in Christ is not shining to its full effect.
My current and most recent fears are those which deal with the camp that I'm going to in two days.
My fears consist of: not knowing the right words to say to the kids, not being fully equipped, and being alone and helpless. That's what it really boils down to.

1. The first fear: shows my lack of trust in God to GIVE me the words to speak, because they shouldn't be my words anyway.
2. The second: shows me my need to trust God to equip me. Christ promises never to leave us to fight any battles on our own, but rather He will be our guide, deliverer, friend, fortress, strength, help in time of trouble, and protector (as told by the Psalms).
3. The third: shows my need to LET GO of self-identity and firmly grasp onto my identity in Christ.

I am never "not part of something" in God's family. I am never helpless with God on my side. I am never alone in any battle that may come along, for God is GOOD. God does not break promises, nor does He lie. There is absolutely no reason to fear evil, because God is with me ALWAYS- whether I be home, at school, at camp, or on a mission field in the Middle East. I have no idea how God will use me in my life or what difficulties I may go through, but I know one thing:
No matter where I am, God is with me.
No matter what I may fear, God is BIGGEST.
God is HOLIEST.
God is MOST POWERFUL.
God is GOOD.
God protects His children and leaves them not alone.

In the spiritual realm, I have no idea what is currently taking place other than battle. I'm not the one to give specifics, but there is no doubt that God shows us in His Word of the constant fight between good and evil. I am thankful and at peace knowing that we know the ending to this story, and OUR GOD DOESN'T LOSE. Our God, who created all, knows all, and is in control of all, DOES NOT and CANNOT LOSE.

I find an incredible, unexplainable peace in this, knowing that there is nothing to fear, because my God will "come with a vengeance" to "come and save" ME. I love that God is not vague and distant, but PERSONAL. The pain people must be in, not in relationship with my personal, loving, all-powerful, holy God, but rather simply in relationship with themselves and themselves alone.

I am going to finish the chapter in Isaiah now....
....I have just finished Isaiah 35 and moved on to Psalm 37 which has awakened many truths to me.
I can tell you right now that there are no coincidences with God. Verses 7 and 8 pretty much sum up verses 1 through 8.
Psalm 37:7-8

"Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him. Cease from anger. Forsake wrath. Do not fret- it only causes harm."

There is really no other way to put this. No addition of words will express of these words as I go through life, seemingly going through unknown territory. To me, it may be unknown, but to God, nothing is unknown, and the LORD is with me.

I think I'm going to watch the sunrise.
Psalm 37:5-6

"Commit your way to the LORD, Trust in Him. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light."

I awoke in a state of fear in the darkness of the night, and left in a state of peace, love, and hope in Christ as I watched the sun  rise in the midst of the dawn. God is beauty in all its essence, and to describe it is impossible, yet it is utter worship to try. Worship is attempting to express God's beauty and perfection while knowing we will never reach understanding of any of it.

Tonight, I saw God working through His Word in a way I never have seen before. As I unintentionally jumped from Isaiah to 1 John to Psalms, and all these passages "somehow" related to fit perfectly together, I realized that this is of God and God alone.

OneWeek

This week has been a pretty good one filled with a pretty even balance of relaxation and family/friend time. I think I go back and forth pretty frequently over whether I'm disappointed to not be home the rest of the summer or whether I'm just extremely ready.

Part of me wishes that I would be able to be part of all of the "College&Career" activities, see my friends from church and school, spend time with my parents and sister/brother-in-law, or hang out on weekends up north with the cousins, while the other part of me is dying to get out and serve God, grow closer to Him away from the typical comforts of life, meet new people, be a mentor to kids, adapt to rising with the sun, and be forced to try new activities.
...that about sums up my feelings in one paragraph, to be honest.

The previous paragraph describes the inner battle I currently am facing between comfort and service (because to be honest, service is definitely not comfortable, and I am slowly coming to realize that). It's a strange feeling.. battling with oneself. Thankfully, I am not the only one involved in this "battle," but I have my God by my side, leading me to do His will one step at a time, and thankfully, I am going to camp whether I fully want to or not.

So, here I go. One week left. I won't lie, I will miss the sleeping in, the lazy days, the great talks with my parents, the down-time with my sister and brother-in-law, the random hang outs with long-time friends, and the freedom to read books for fun.
However, I cannot wait for the craziness, the laughing/screaming children, the opportunity to minister to these children, the responsibilities I have which force me to stay focused in my walk with God, the hikes, the cabins, the horses, the people I will meet, the staff that I will grow close to, the campfires, the nature, and the new experiences.

One quote I just found online that I really like:

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."
~Neil Postman

My main prayer is that through us, children will come to know God. I pray that our lives would be a testimony of His love, grace, and holiness, and that they would see Jesus Christ in us.