Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

Things I Learned Today

1. The highway is not as scary of a place as it seems.
   Beyond the high speeds and the obnoxious tolls, the highway has a soft spot to it. A soft spot that involves cruising to tunes, feeling like a winner and enjoying the scenery (which is always quite wonderful in New England). Despite my former assumptions, not all drivers are out to get me, 70 mph is really not that terrifying and I will not end up in Canada. Five years later, I have conquered an irrational fear! Laugh if you want, but we both know that you have an equally irrational fear. It's ok, we'll get through it together.
   
   
2. I'm not quite as directionally dysfunctional as previously believed.
   I didn't get lost today on the way to my internship... and I drove for almost an hour all alone! For those of you who know me, this is a big deal. I mean, I am still lower on the "I know how to get places" meter, but I learned today that I can read signs. When the GPS fell off the windshield and I was forced to just find my way via road signs, I made it. Well, I am positive that it was God giving me wisdom so I wouldn't, in fact, end up in Canada, but with God's help I CAN FIGURE IT OUT! I may be able to survive the transportation world after all.
   
   
3. I am learning things in school!
   Yay! The thousands of dollars that I have been spending (and my parent's have been spending) on an education haven't been a waste! For my internship, I will have to use the same audio program that I used during my practicum. Today, I realized how much I remembered. I wasn't as completely and utterly lost as I thought I would be! Hizzah for being able to keep up! Hip hip, hooray! I wonder how many other things I know and remember that I do not even realize? Thank you to the many professors who pour into us as students-- you are much appreciated. To be quite honest, I would be as clueless as it gets if it were not for the professor folks.
   
   
4. The LORD is faithful.
   Wait what? I didn't know that already? Well, I did... My faith just always seems to kind of burn down to a warm glow sometimes instead of the preferred blazing flame. That truth stinks, but it is the truth none-the-less. Despite my unbelief, God is GOOD, kind, merciful, and loving. He gives when I don't deserve, blesses when I don't believe and provides when I don't see it coming. I still have yet to find a job, but I trust that I will end up exactly where God wants me. Exactly where. I also know that, until He provides a job, I am, right now, exactly where He wants me to be. Exactly there. I am so thankful I have a God who I can trust, and I am thankful for the opportunities He has given me to serve Him, glorify Him and SHINE Him.
   
   
5. I'm in the right major.
   YES. Another indication that I have not wasted my (and my parent's) money. Even if I don't do exactly what it is I'm studying to do (that is, writing and journalism), it's helping me to get into different types of avenues and explore the gifts God has given me. I love what I'm learning, and it's been useful to so many unexpected aspects of my life.
   
   
6. I'm thankful for my school.
   I realized today that I complain an unnecessary amount about my school. So I don't agree with every little thing they do. So what? I am SO blessed to be there. The opportunities have been great. The lessons have been great. The education has been great. The professors have been great. The people I have been able to get to know are great. From my experiences and education at that school, I have learned and come to understand even MORE about how GREAT my God is. Also, I promise that I learned more words in journalism school than the word "great," but I also learned to only use big words when necessary, and "great" is the most fittingly simple word. I love that God has changed me through my time at school, and I love that He has been glorified through my experiences there.
   
   
7. My parent's are incredible.
   So supportive. So encouraging. So loving. I mean, my mom packed me a lunch on my first day today just to relieve my nerves and save me time-- if that's not love, I don't know what is. They are always showing me the love of God, and I couldn't be more overwhelmed by it. People have asked me, "Well, you grew up being taught about Jesus. How do you know you weren't just believing a lie your whole childhood?" I can tell you right now that my parent's HAVE LIVED the truth. They were my early glimpses of God's love. They were my brief explanations to hope and truth. For that, I am unbelievably grateful. They're not perfect, but they were perfect for me: they were the parents God provided me with. He knew I would be born to them, and He knew that I would need them to be the parents I had. My mind is sort of boggled now, so I'm going to move on to another point.
   
   
8. God is my strength.
   Again, something I already knew, but something I literally need to be reminded of EVERY day. Every action, every decision, every word-- everything-- can only be done by God's strength in me. Anything I do in my own attempts with result in a FAIL. Believe me, I've had many FAIL moments, and they're not fun. But I've also had many victorious moments when I gave up control to my Savior. The only reason I made it on the highway, did not get lost, followed what was going on today, understood the instructions, made it through the day in one piece and made it back home safely was that Jesus got me through. That's how. There's really no other method of success but to give up control to Jesus. So refreshing.

So, I'm going to go and end there. One, because I'm out of points, and two, because 8 is my favorite number. Funny how that works out.
Thankful to the LORD for another day that He was give the glory!

The Room

As I sit in my bedroom at home, its history haunts me, reminding me of who I've been and how God has changed me. I remember when I moved into this room-- eight years old and completely unaware of the utterly different, yet curiously similar girl that would sleep in the room thirteen years later.
The pictures on the wall have hung there for about nine years, some for longer and some shorter.
On the wall to the left of my closet hangs the wolf poster I designed in 6th grade (that was the class project that sparked my love for the crazy beasts) and a variety of other wolf pictures. To some, it may be an odd fascination, but I love wolves, nonetheless. Another glimpse of the nerdy-self.

The figures on my dresser have collected there over the years, my 1st grade softball trophy being the oldest member of the collection. On one side of my mirror hangs my kindergarten graduation tassel, and on the other side hangs my high school graduation cap.
The miniature piano music box given to me by my piano teacher of eight years sits on the dresser as well, and I remember the many frustrating, yet absolutely incredible years of piano lessons. I think of how my piano teacher didn't just teach me how to play an instrument but how to live a song. She always reminded me of why I should play and Who I should play for, and I haven't forgotten.

Each poster and picture on the wall has a memory and a background. In high school, I hung the 1 Peter 3:3-4 poster above my mirror to daily remind myself of the beauty that lasts in life. Pictures of my family all around my room, because I am blessed by them. Pictures of childhood friends scattered here and there, whether I'm still friends with those folks or not. Why I do keep the pictures? To remind me that friends come and go, but the LORD remains. Posters of childhood fandom and adulthood realizations, Bible verses that have especially made a difference in crucial points in my life and things with memories. I hung John 14:27 at the end of my bed during the times of consecutive nightmares, and it reminds me every night of the peace in Jesus Christ.

The bookshelf that holds many of my favorite classics and even more of my unread, literature goals. I haven't conquered the whole mini-library yet, but someday it will happen (although the books constantly seem to multiply). Books from my childhood sit up there-- the ones that sparked my love for story-telling.

The memory chest is a newer addition to my room, but one of my favorite parts of it. When we found it in the attic, I knew it would be in my life for a while. No matter how unexciting or unenchanting it's outward appearance may be, it's inward contents are priceless. Old journals, even older pictures, little artifacts that remind me of the people that have come and gone through my life, glimpses of myself from the past and dreams for myself in the future. Few secrets, but many stories.

Such a little room, yet so much history of my small life.

This summer, I plan to move to my sister's old room.
Maybe it's for the extra space. Maybe it's for the change. Maybe it's for both.
Maybe it's to remind myself that a room with a past does not define me.
It will be hard to say goodbye to this room, but it will always be my room.
No one knows it like I do.

It's time to move on.

Summer Goals

I have a lot of goals this summer. 
Most of them involve continuing things I've always liked to do but don't have a lot of time to do at school (such as reading as many books as possible, playing the piano, exercising, etc.), but some involve things I haven't really had the chance to try (painting, getting into running, writing a book, interviewing people for my new single's blog).

And then there's the appendages to those goals. 
For example, with my piano playing, I don't want to just play piano, but I also want to really dig into music theory (dangerous, but possible) and learn how to play better by ear (I'm a hardcore sight reader).
Or, with reading, I don't want to just read, I want to analyze, soak in, and emerge myself.
With exercising... well, I want to actually exercise and not say that I will exercise.
With painting, I want to paint something I'm proud of and not give up after a bad painting.
With running, I want to be able to 5 miles like it's nothing (that may seem like nothing for you athletes out there, but for this girl, that's a pretty lofty goal).
With writing a book, I want to finish it. It doesn't have to be incredible, it just has to have an ending, unlike everything remotely book-like that I've begun. By "finish it," I mean at least know where it will go, whether it's actually finished by the end of the summer or not (I definitely doubt it will be done by then).
With the "Embrace the Single" blog, I really want to make the most of it and use it to minister to people. I want it to be a testimony of all of the single Christians that I can get in contact with who are willing to share a piece of themselves so that others may be encouraged. I don't exactly know where it will go, but I pray it will go somewhere useful.

In addition, I will be working as a Production Intern this summer at a local radio station.
I am so ridiculously excited, and I have already set some goals for myself in that internship.

1. Do the best that I know how to do so that be a good steward of the gifts God has provided me with.
2. Attempt to remember everything that I learned during my Radio Practicums..
3. Make friends in my area!
4. Share Jesus & show people God's love
5. Gain lots of experience and hopefully score a job through this internship! 

Other goals this summer?

• Go to local events and activities (be a part of the community)
• Spend lots of wonderful time with my family & nephew (BABY!!)
• Spend time with cousins!
• Be involved in my church.
• Dig into books of the Bible and meditate on them.
• Find a job.
• Spend time with my grandmothers <3
• Try to go play piano for those at the Assisted Living home in the town next door (I miss them!)
• Get rid of things I don't need.
• Make new friends =)
• Find people to minister to
• Try to cook more? (....we'll see...)
• Make the most of every moment!

I can't wait to see what the LORD does these next couple of months!

Fried Brain Tomatoes

It's been an intense year, but my classes have finally come to a close.
And by finally, I mean, "Wow, that one year of classes felt like about forty years in the wilderness."
No really. I read Exodus for half of this semester, and it all started to make sense.
(Please realize that this is all exaggeration.. it really was not that bad...)

I think back to last semester when I thought News Writing was a lot of work and then I laugh as I think about Investigative Reporting this semester. But it's over. And I nailed the class, so I'm ok.
I can tell you right now that I have never been more satisfied with or proud of an A in my entire life.

...I literally just stopped thinking for a few minutes. Just now. That's how exhausted my mind is. I'm not even sure how words are coming out of my mouth right now.. or out of my fingers. I don't even know right now.

Even beyond school, this has been one of those physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing years of my life. I haven't really even had time to process it all.
When I do though.. oh be ready. It will be written about.
I've already begun the documenting process of life as an RA. So far all I have is how I first got pulled up to RA while in Lebanon (those of you who have followed my blog got to be a part of all of that craziness).
I'm not sure where to begin, but I suppose that's my project for the 13 hour drive home on Sunday.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it when it's done.
Probably just keep it in the chest in my room with all of the rest of my million journals. And maybe I'll reference it when I need to know how to deal with interesting people or really bizarre situations that involve people in bathrobes.
That's another story for another time.

This year. My mind is just mush from it all.
I'm convinced that everyone and anyone who has met me within the last month of school thinks I'm an air-headed, mindless individual.
Sorry, folks. If only I could somehow explain to you how completely fried my being is, then I would.
Actually, let me try.
My being is so fried that walking to the bathroom takes mental motivation.
My being is so fried that I forget to chew my food and simply swallow (no, this is not a joke).
My being is so fried that I forgot my last name the other day.
My being is so fried that I become even more awkward that I already am.
My being is so fried that the South's chicken dishes would be put to shame.
My being is so fried that I could pass for dead. But I'm not dead, so that's good.

I long for the day when I can think abstractly again. I see that day soon, but it hides beneath a canopy shaped like New England. And once I am rejuvenated in all that is Northern, I will be able to face another year in the South with strength and swift movement.

I'm just going to stop typing...

Harbingers that bring on playlists and summer reading

Ah. Packing in May. The real harbinger of summer. The suitcase comes out and the summer music comes on. I may even wear sunglasses indoors for such an occasion.

Today, as I began the packing spree with 9 days left until I head home for the summer, reality actually set in. For a while there, I felt like I would be here forever and even then, it's always hard to imagine being anywhere other than where I am at that moment.

So anyway, as I packed, I thought to myself, "Self, you should make a Summer 2013 playlist."
And then I responded to myself and said, "Self, I think that is a brilliant idea."
I'm feeling the folk/indy/alternative scene this summer, with some other favorites thrown in there.
...I'm not a hipster-- I promise. They just have really good taste in music.

I have yet to come up with the full playlist, but here's what I have in mind so far: 

1. "Flower Flower" The Vespers

 

2. "Ho Hey" The Lumineers
3. "Safe and Sound" The Capitals
4.  "Gold on the Ceiling" The Black Keys
5.  "Hello" The True Star
6. "On Top of the World" Imagine Dragons
7. "Jump Into the Fog" The Wombats
8. "Don't Wait for Me" Josh Garrels
9. "Between the Raindrops" Lifehouse & Natasha Bedingfield
10. "Home" Phillip Phillips
11. "Oceans" Hillsong United
12. "Better Now" The Vespers
13. "Charlie Brown" Coldplay
14. "After All (Holy)" David Crowder Band
15."Stars" Grace Potter

So that's all I've got for now, but I'm sure this playlist will grow extensively as the summer goes on. If you have any ideas, feel free to contribute. Or if you have any fantastic ideas for playlist names, list away.

So, then this morning I thought to myself, "Self, you should come up with a summer reading list."
And I responded to myself, "Self, that is such a brilliant idea."
So here's what I have so far (click the titles of the book to see a brief synopsis)...

1. Fatherless by: James Dobson

2. Blue Like Jazz by: Donald Miller
3. Great Expectations by: Charles Dickens
(I find it atrocious that I have not yet read this classic Dickens book, but I figure it's better now than never. I just found bought an antique copy for $3 the other day! Also, I need some more Dickens in my life).
4. The Great Gatsby (I want to reread it before I see the movie!)
5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by: Oscar Wilde (I'm currently about half-way through, but I never got the chance to finish it during school).
6. The Count of Monte Cristo by: Alexandre Dumas
7. At least two of the Agatha Christie collection of books I have on my bookshelf in my room. I have yet to read one entire book by her.

...Ok honestly, I'm looking through books online that I want to read, and there are just too many wonderfully written books in the world. And of course some not so wonderfully written.
Either way, there is no way I am reading all of them this summer.
So for now, this list will do.

Do you think I can read them all despite my snail's pace reading habits?

To the Talented and Planning Awkward Couple- Subco Edition

Oh, awkward couple who I saw while in line for a sub, I promised you a blog post because I did not just see you once, but twice in the span of three days being awkward (both times in the same place, might I add).
[In honor of you, I will scatter various pictures of awkward couples around this blog post].

Flower Power

Same awkwardness, same place, around the same time?
That, my awkward friends, takes talent to accomplish. Or maybe skillful planning.
Possibly a mixture of both.

Planned, talented awkward couple soup.

Adventure-seeking couple

Now, let's take a look at the planned and talent portions of the blog post:

PLANNED:
- Happening to somehow manage to be the exact amount of people in front of me in line (both times).
- Happening to be in line for the same meal both times at around the same time.
- Happening to partake of the same awkward actions both times:

• pinching each other and giggling (pain is so cute)
• rubbing each others sides (sometimes, if you rub their side just right, they might do a trick)
• poking noses (..they may as well throw in some baby talk too)
• stroking hair (I just have nothing to say about this)
• gazing into each others eyes (because what is more romantic than standing in line for a sandwich?)

World's Best Dad

TALENT:
- Happening to be equally awkward both times.
- Happening to be awkward enough to catch my attention both times.
- Happening to not let go of each others hands the entire time
(Seriously though, props to you, folks! That takes intense focus and extreme perseverance. It should be an Olympic sport...)
- Happening to be so awkward both times that you won yourself your very own blog post.

"Everything else is black and white, except for our bond."

So, couple, well done at achieving your own blog post!
You have accomplished both talent and excellent planning. Be proud. Be very proud.

Also, thank you for allowing me to take part in your special moments before I ate, and not after.

If you can't change it, let it go.

Despite the finals coming up, I have been extremely peaceful in regards to all of my school work these days. Thinking about this makes me realize how much God has changed me over the past few years of my life. During the high school days, if it was finals week my heart would be racing, the world would be ending and my nerves would almost be up to par with Mrs. Bennett's (and everyone would reply with a "I have the utmost respect for your nerves. They've been my constant companion these twenty years."). (Please tell me you caught my Pride and Prejudice reference..)

"Have you no consideration for my poor nerves!?"

But as life has passed and I realized how miniscule many of these "stress producers" were, my life has changed quite drastically for the better.

I honestly trace this whole attitude change back to freshman year (of college). I attribute the whole mindset alteration to my lovely roommate at the time, Kaytee. (Yeah, I was that freshman who freaked out about English 101). Every time I would have a meltdown over one of my two page papers (hahah.. now I laugh..), Kaytee would tell me to calm down, get over it and just do it. And she was right. When I would stress about a grade I got and be extremely disappointed, she would tell me that if I couldn't change it, it was time to move on. And she was right. Somewhere along the way, her words clicked in my mind.

"If you can't change it or can't do anything about it, why stress out?"
"All you can do is your best, but don't let this ruin your life."

Back then, I always felt like she was being insensitive and didn't really understand.
Now, I am so thankful for the lesson she taught me and the way it helped me to grow. The Lord has put so many people in my life to teach me seemingly simple lessons and grow me in seemingly simple ways. I do believe that this lesson, however miniscule it seems, changed my perspective on life forever.

Honestly, this year has probably been the most intense year of my college career.. and maybe in my life in general, in regards to my walk with God. Yet, despite the intensity of this year, I was probably the most at peace I have ever been in my life. I owe that all to the Lord for allowing me to let go of that stressful perspective I once had and hold on to His truths and focus on eternity.
The Lord has stretched me in ways I never expected, pushed me in ways I never wanted and used me in ways I never deserved.
I am so thankful to the Lord for every lesson He has put in my life thus far, and I am looking forward to (and to be honest, extremely terrified of) whatever God will bring my way in the future. I am so incredibly encouraged by my sisters and brothers in Christ and the way they challenge my walk with God.

So anyway, I guess the point is, if you're stressed over whatever, ask yourself these things:
1. Can you change it? If so, how? If not, then let it go.
2. Are you in control of this situation? If so, take responsibility and just get it done. If not, give it up.
3. Will this impact eternity? Either way, why are you stressing? God is in control. (which is honestly the answer to everything...)
4. Will this matter one year from now? If not, chill out.

God is still God

Tragedy tends to either bring out the best or to bring out the worst in people. I like to think that most of the time, it brings out the best.

Sometimes I think I know. I think I know life and then something happens. Tragedy. And then I am reminded at how little I really know and how young I truly am. I'm not invincible, but I do believe I forget how fragile the human race truly is. In this fallen world, death and pain is inevitable.

Boston. My home. 

Tragedy happens every day, but when it's close to home, our invincibility factor tends to evaporate. What invincibility? My home-- threatened. My fellow Bostonians-- attacked.

In my own school, young adults facing death.
 
Last night, I went to Faith Helbig's memorial. 
I've never met Faith, and I don't even think I've seen her around really.
We never had a relationship, and she never knew my name.
We didn't have any deep conversations.
We never had a conversation at all.
Despite those minute details, my heart ached for my brothers and sisters in Christ who lost her.

Tragedy.

Whatever happened the day that she died changed my friends' lives forever, and I'll never really understand. I think I know life, but I don't.

As we stood with our unlit candles at the memorial, the wind sorrowfully blowing our hair into the mess that symbolized this situation, my eyes scanned the crowd of tearful college students and staff members who were mourning the death of this 18-year-old girl. Many were her friends, her family, her leadership and her acquaintances, and I am sure that many were like me.
Total strangers, witnessing tragedy.

As I stood there, I mourned for those people experiencing tragedy, and as I mourned, I realized that  
I think I know life, but I don't.
I also realized that despite tragedy and despite my ignorance to life, 
God is still God. He is still good. He is still in control.
He is still GOD.
The same God who parted the Red Sea.
The same God who allowed Job to experience intense trial so that God would be glorified.
The same God who used sinful people to serve Him.
The same God who is so completely holy that Moses had to hide in the cleft of a rock when He passed by and was only able to see the back of God.
The same God who sent His Son to die for the sin of mankind.
The same God who resurrected from the dead.
That's OUR GOD. He is Who He is, and He does not change.

The Lord gives and He takes away and beyond the depravity and feebleness of the human race,
He is GOD.

I don't understand tragedy... yet... but when I do, I strive to remember that GOD IS STILL GOD.

Baby Kyle, minus the full beard.

As of February 28th, I am an aunt (not pronounced like the insect).

Basically, I cannot contain my excitement and generally tell everyone I see. I don't know half of them (well.... I do now. Even the lady who works at the dining hall... We're friends now, and she asks to see pictures of the little tyke).

My sister, Grace, texted me every now and then on Wednesday, updating me on her current "situation." (I will avoid details for your own sake). As the afternoon approached, so did baby's arrival. Grace texted me with a "Pray for me. Kurt's taking me to the hospital." 
Of course, I was restless from that point on.
School work? Yeah whatever.

Around 9:30 p.m., text updates from my mom begin to filter in.
"Grace is doing breathing exercises."
"Grace is now walking a little bit in the hallway with Kurt upon the doctor's instructions."
"...We have to go to the waiting room now." (which was the cue that the time was approaching)

It was around this time that I started to get really sad that I couldn't be there with my sister. Her life is changing forever, and I'm here at school. Eating peanut butter and writing articles about the housing industry. I guess that's life sometimes.

The night went on, and my focus was officially wounded. It hasn't fully recovered since then.

I attempted to get to bed around 1:30 a.m. Thursday morning (to no avail). Prayers for my sister and the baby were all that were going through my mind... and for Kurt too. I mean, I can't imagine how traumatizing this must be for a husband... I don't really want to know right now.
Due to my restlessness, I decided I would scroll through my non-phone iPhone (I'll explain this to you sometime) and see if the social media world could distract me.
What happened next will probably go down in the history books of our family.
Here is the exact Facebook message from my cousin Simon (who is also away at college):
Simon: "GRACE HAD THE BABY!?!?!"
Me: "She's in labor right now!!"
Simon: "DETAILS."
Me: *details*
Simon: "I wonder if she's going crazy right now...."
Simon: "Get on skype! Let's share our excitement!"
Me: "hahah no I should be sleeping."
Simon: "SKYPE ME.
HOW OFTEN CAN WE SKYPE WHILE GRACE IS IN LABOR?
YOLO."

Yes. He said "YOLO."

So I gave in. And I'm so thankful I did.
Now Simon and I can tell little Kyle that though we could not see him in his first few hours of life, we did in fact have a 2 a.m. Skype conversation about his entrance into the world.
I also have the quotes saved to prove our subtle involvement in this situation....

Simon: "What's his name going to be?"
Me: "Kyle Alden ....."
Simon: "Kyle Alden ..... ? That's the whitest name I've ever heard."
Disclaimer: Simon is half German.

Me: BABYY! BABBBBBYYY!!!
Simon: "You're not even having the baby. Grace is, and you're crazier than she is."

Me: *typing really quickly to document all of Simon's hilarious quotes*
Simon: “All I can hear is you typing. It’s like you're giving birth through the keyboard.”

Me: *whispering into the webcam* “THE BABY IS COMING”

Simon: “Well now I’m going to have nightmares."

Simon: "What do you think the baby’s favorite food will be? Something white people like.. like cabbage or carrots or something gross."

Simon: “He’s born on my mom’s birthday!!! …. They should name him Stephanie. It's only fair.”

Me: "I'm glad we're Skyping during this so we can commiserate together about not being there."
Simon: “Well yeah.. how often does Grace give birth? What.. like maybe.. one more time?”

Simon: "It's going to be a gigantic baby... did you see how big Grace was?! He's going to come out like 30 years old and be like... *deep voice* 'Hey, mom.'"

Me: "Yeah... like 'Hey, mom. I have a beard.'"

Simon: "Instead of being one of those babies with a full head of hair, it's going to be one with a full beard."

Simon and me randomly in unison: "THE BABIES ARE COMING! THE BABIES ARE COMING!"
Disclaimer: this was unplanned
*Explanation: our own rendition of "the British are coming!" ... in case you couldn't figure that out 

Simon: *deep in thought* ".....What if baby Kyle grows up to be the next Michael Buble?"

....Such were the 2 a.m. conversations of Simon and I on the day of my nephew's birth.
Sleep finally happened.
Baby Kyle was born at 5:01 a.m.

A picture my dad sent me of the little one. His first day of life.

Happy emerging into the world, Kyle! I am glad that you don't actually have a full beard.

You have been born into an extremely strange (but incredibly awesome) family!
YOU ARE SO LOVED. You don't even know.
So, little nephew, I will meet you in exactly one week. Be prepared for an unlimited amount of love and affection. You also probably will get blogged about a lot. Sorry in advance.

Love, 

Your Auntie =)