Because I Love You

So these past few weeks I've been learning a lot of about relationships.. and my lack of readiness for a romantic one. Lately I've been finding myself not interested in any sort of relationship (other than friendships, of course) and often not even caring about whether I get married or not. If you know me personally, you know that that is absolutely the opposite of me and how I've always been.
By nature, I am a hopeless romantic. I'm the girl who basks in cute romantic movies and seeks out the story behind how every couple first met. So, for me to have turned into the girl who believes she could be entirely content being single for the rest of her life, something drastic must have taken place.

Honestly, for the longest time I wasn't sure what this so-called "drastic occurrence" might have been, since my life seemed pretty uneventful as I started feeling more and more disinterested.
This past Wednesday in Campus Church, Clayton King and his wife Charie King spoke on relationships and God's will for a marriage. I found myself becoming extremely emotional during this service and at first I didn't know why. As church continued, God also continued. Somewhere during the message God showed me that the reason I had been feeling this apathy towards relationships was because I prayed for it. No, I did not specifically pray, "Oh hey, can you make me think every guy is lame? Thanks." No, not at all. I prayed, "If I'm not ready, don't make me want it yet so I don't waste my time," and that is exactly what God did.

I think the reason I was so emotional was that I wasn't sure whether to be excited that God was answering my prayer or disappointed that I wasn't ready for a relationship. We could call this an "emotional tornado," because that's what I imagine when I describe that emotion within me.
Now that the "tornado" has calmed, I am so incredibly thankful that God has been working in my life. Now to simply wait for a guy worth waiting for.

That was another thing that made me emotional during church- seeing Clayton and Charie's love for each other, bound through their mutual love for God. At first I envied them. I envied what they had and wondered how they got it and why most marriages don't have their marriage's qualities. Then I simply admired them. I admire their passion and drive to make it work, their focus on God, and their willingness to share it all with others.
While this gives me hope for the future, it also makes the present difficult, constantly wondering whether God will bring "that guy" into my life.. you know- the one who loves God more than anything, who will love me the way God has intended for me to be loved, and who just is right for me.
So I ask myself, why do I wonder? Why am I so concerned about this? Whatever happens in my life, God knows and God cares, and nothing that God allows will be too much for me to handle. Also, I firmly believe that God does not give us desires and then leave us hanging (which I definitely appreciate).


Here's a poem I wrote on Wednesday night after the service .. hope you enjoy it:

Because I Love You

My mind screams "confusion"
My heart whispers "contentment"
The world states "abandoned"
The Lord proclaims "purchased"
Who I was convinces me "you want this"
Who I am reminds me "you have better"
My mind says "find"
My soul says "seek"
Culture expresses "go now"
God's love says "wait"
I ask "when?"
God states "soon."
My heart wonders "why?"
Jesus Christ replies "because I love you."



God Bless & Goodnight!
Daisy Wolf