Blog switch

Not sure if anyone follows this blog really, but I just wanted to inform you that I have transferred all of my blog posts to a new blog site and will be blogging there from now on!

Here it is!
http://thewrittenlena.wordpress.com/

I will be continuing to write from the heart, but I decided to be rid of my pen name and colored background and move on to something a little bit more professional looking.
So long, blogspot! It's been a fun 4 years with you!

He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Ones Who Crossed: the beginning

Friends, I was thinking and laughing today about the fact that all my friends who get in relationships seem to fall off the face of the planet.. and so then this story happened. Please note that I do not dislike my couple friends, but I merely had the inspiration for this story and couldn't help myself but write it down. To all my couple friends, I do really love you ;].

It was not the worst of times, but not the best of times. But sometimes good times. Life seemed somewhat ordinary, and nothing too spectacular was happening. To most, the world seemed a regular shade of blue, but soon it would turn an unusual shade of pink and lilac to others.

As Uno arose from her slumber to what she thought would be a regular day, her eyes were glazed over, oblivious to what was to come. Over to the sink she went, washing away the sleep and awakening her soul to life. All preparation for the day began normally, until suddenly she heard a knock on her door. It was her friend, Solo.

"Something's terribly wrong," were the only words to proceed out of Solo's mouth, then silence. The type of silence that prompts awkward shifting of eyes and shuffling of feet. Finally Uno spoke. "What's wrong."
"Everything," Solo replied. "They're nowhere to be found."
"Who, Solo?"
"The most recent Couple. I think they've crossed over."

Uno's heart dropped into her chest as the words sunk in. "Crossed over." Every single's terror. She had heard of this before, but never had she witnessed first-hand. The nightmare had in an instant transformed into a dark reality.

It all started on February 14th-- a day that is not spoken of often among the singles, but every individual knows about. It's the day they say many singles are consumed by the One With the Arrow and devoured by his blood-stained teeth. Uno knew she was not to roam the streets or go into public places-- the elder singles had warned her of its results. Nonetheless, Uno did not listen, and to make matters worse, she dragged along friends as well. She wanted adventure, and what was she to do but bring company with her? Off she went through the square on the dark day, the sky a shade of blood red. The day interested her and she sought to know what it held. Little did she know how her life would change. Uno's friends, more apprehensive about the decision, followed behind her suspiciously, their eyes following every noise and shadow. As they walked through the hollow streets, the sound of their hearts beating violently, they realized the sound was actually not their own hearts. It was hearts of "the Others."

The Others were also singles, but Our Kind normally avoided them at all costs. Until, of course, they heard the sound of the heartbeats. The sound was known to beckon Our Kind when we least expected it, beginning the process which would result in the "crossing over" of which we speak. Uno had heard a heartbeat a few times, but she seemed to have some sort of immunity to its powers, constantly overcoming its mystical echoes. However, some were more inclined to the sound of the beats- especially when the beat seemed to parallel their own heartbeats. When the beats met in harmony, the plague would set in and the members would transform into what we call "New Couples." From this point on, the plague would spread into their veins, breathing in their beings and creating partially mindless creatures. The Couples would be so devoured by the plague that their focus could only be on each other, their mind clouding the rest of the world in a deep fog. Such was the process of the heartbeats.

As the sound of the beats grew louder, Uno feared to look behind her into the eyes of her friends. She dreaded what she would see. Rigidly her head turned, her neck aching in the struggle against herself. Hearts. No eyes left in her friends heads, but simply hearts where the eyes used to be. Now they were just some eyeballs that she used to know. Uno shrieked in terror at the sight of her heart-eyed friends, and suddenly she realized what had happened. Both of her friends heartbeats had harmonized with the beat of the Others, and from that moment on, they would be lost forever.
After that day, her friends' minds grew more and more numb to the rest of the world. Their brains were overtaken by another world-- one of oblivion. Eventually the numbness got worse, and eventually, her friends had disappeared all together. They had crossed over, never to be seen again. To where they go is a mystery that Uno has yet to discover.

And so Uno's adventure began in her journey among the blinded...

To be continued....

Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing,  ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).

Cherishing Children

Children. Misunderstood and underrated.

This summer, I have realized how completely clueless adults are with children. So many teens and adults talk down to children as if they "can't possibly understand," leaving the kids believing that it's true. Kids are often shoved under the rug, or on the flip side, completely left to do whatever it is they want to do, without any protection or teaching.

I'm no parent, so I'm not really talking about raising children (and don't really have a right to). I'm mostly thinking of adults in general. Teachers, leaders, how adults treat random children in public, etc.

How often we forget that these children will one day be adults, and in their adulthood, they will carry with them the lessons that WE have taught them. They will remember the way they were treated and they will reflect it on the other people in their lives. People wonder why children fear adulthood and "never want to grow up"? It's because they fear us. They fear who they might become and what love for life they might lose. These little humans watch our every move, crave our affection and just want somebody to be proud of them. They want to look forward to adulthood, and that can only happen if they are given a reason to look forward. If they have seen adults who appreciate life and appreciate them, they have been given hope for their future.

You know all those discourteous and insensitive adults in your life? The ones who cut you in line and yell at their cashiers? They were children once, and something or someone in their life told them that acting like that was ok. Some may have suffered belittlement as children, and as a result, feel that it is their time to belittle others. Some may have never been taught to "do to others as you would have them do to you," and as a result, see the world as their throne. Whatever the reason, they were impacted in some way as a child, and now they have graduated from unruly child to unruly adult. From bitter child to bitter adult.

Think back to your childhood. For me, I longed for the affections of those that were older than me. I admired them, I mimicked them and I wanted them to be proud of me. Everything I did in public, I did for some sort of sense of approval.  I think of all the adults in my life growing up....

Parents. I was blessed to have parents who encouraged me in my endeavors and who disciplined me when I needed to be corrected. I wouldn't have believed in myself, understood right from wrong or learned to really see and love other people if it weren't for the instruction of my incredible parents.
Teachers. Oh the teachers I've had in my life. I've had good ones, I've had great ones and you can better believe I've had bad ones. In elementary, I had some teachers who so favored the "popular," "pretty" children that I found myself believing that I was worthless. Those same teachers made me dread school, hate learning and despise who I was and what I was not. Then, I had some fantastic teachers who taught me lessons I've never forgotten, encouraged me when no one else would and showed me who I could be if I allowed it. They saw me as more than "just a kid," corrected my negative traits so that I indeed recognize them as negative, and took the time to help cultivate the positive traits I did have. My teachers have been some of the most influential people in my life. The bad and the good. The horrible and the fantastic.
My friend's parents. This is sort of a weird one, but my friend's parents did in fact have an influence on me.  I had some friends whose parents appreciated my friendship in their child's life, which in turn, encouraged me to be a better friend and take responsibility for my actions. And then there were some parents who looked down on me, seeing me to be unworthy of befriending their child. When I was in 3rd grade, I was told once by my friend's parent that I "made her sick to her stomach when she saw me" because of my "bad attitude." I don't think adults understand the toll that takes on a child. "Am I really that disgusting?" I would ask myself. "Is her daughter really that superior to me?" I still fight to release any bitter feelings towards those type of parents, and sometimes I still ask those same questions. I'm not saying it's their fault, but I am saying that it has influenced the fact that those questions even creep into my mind.

Those are just a few adults that played key roles in my lives, but good and bad, they all have something in common. I remember them, and I think of them from time to time.

All I know is, I do NOT want to be one of "the horrible" adults in any child's life. I would much rather be that adult who, years later, they still positively remember and cherish. Even in the correction and discipline, what they should remember about us is that we CARED enough to correct them. That we LOVED them enough to build them up.

Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

Me of Little Faith

Sometimes I don't write because there really isn't anything to say. Other times, I don't write because I have something to say but don't know if it's worth documenting- if I write, it means that I have to be vulnerable. Lately, the latter has been most applicable. Well, I think it's time to be vulnerable and document.

It is in that moment of doubt that you lose yourself. Doubting your purpose. Doubting your worth. It is when you take your eyes off of Jesus that you begin to sink to your watery grave. It's like I've been drowning in the salty water of decision making, gasping for the air that I hope will give me answers. But through it all, I've received no answers. No clarification. No miraculous sign from God to show me what I'm supposed to do with my life. Nothing. Just empty discouragement.

Yet, as I gazed longingly at the Savior, my eyes slowly descending beneath the water line, I realized what had happened. My faith had failed, and instead of keeping my eyes on the One who rules all, I looked at the size of the waves and the strength of the wind, and my focus on Jesus was shifted to my lack of strength. Who was I to walk on water? I wasn't anyone at all, and I didn't deserve to be defying any sort of laws of nature. I couldn't do it. I wasn't capable. Well, I was right. I wasn't capable. What I didn't and still don't always understand is that, that's the point. Jesus allowed Peter to sink for that brief moment because Peter pulled his eyes away from Jesus, even if just for a moment. That brief glance at the water represented Peter's reliance on himself. Peter was no longer trusting in Jesus for strength.

As I, metaphorically, walked on the water, I realized in just a moment that I didn't know where I would step next. I had no plan, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to complete it. Well, Jesus hasn't called me to know where I am going on the water. He has just called me to walk, my eyes fixed on Him. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You will call me." -Hillsong United

I know God has called me to serve Him, whether I know the specifics or not. The question isn't where I'm going, but whether I'm willing to go or not. Though I fight discouragement, confusion and lack of direction, I know that there's more to this story than meets the eye. An easy life is not an option in life of a Jesus follower, and I must realize that if I'm not willing to serve God while not knowing His calling, I won't be willing to serve God while knowing His calling. Knowing isn't the issue. It's the step of faith that defines the follower. No wind, no wave, no lack of footing can prevent me from accomplishing God's purpose for my life. May I keep my eyes on Jesus, no matter the storm.

Matthew 14:22-32 

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way[a] from the land,[b] beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea.26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” 28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[c] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out,“Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

#VBSlove

This week was Vacation Bible School at my home church, and it was a blast as always. I was the photographer & slideshow-maker this week, which was a great time.

I learned that there are three kinds of children in the world: 

1. ones that avoid being in pictures at all cost
2. ones that will not smile in pictures
3. ones that make extreme eye contact and smile endlessly, just in case you happen to snap their picture. 

All are fun experiences, because all provide a sense of challenge to the photographer's endeavors.
For the photo-haters, my goal is to see how many pictures I can get of them in which they do not refuse me angrily.
For the photo-frowners, the challenge is to get one, just one, happy picture of them. And cherish it.
For the photo-hoggers, I aim to see how many pictures I can get of them off-guard and unposed. This might be the most challenging of the three, but I think it can be accomplished if done with enough subtlety.

In all seriousness though, this week was such a blessing. The message of the gospel was preached, the kids had a great time and the volunteers all served God beautifully. Success! Now that the week is over, I really miss it. The squealing children, the catchy songs that never leave your head for the rest of your life (really, how does that even happen after one week?), the intense games, the cute crafts and the hilarious skits... but beyond all of that, the way children respond to the gospel. If there's one thing that makes my heart smile, it's children's innocence and ability to take God at His Word. I remember how easy it was as a child just to trust God, because He was God. Oh, how I long for the faith of a child again. To just take Jesus at His Word, because He is Jesus.
This week, I was reminded that children are a blessing.
They remind us of what life is really about- enjoying who God is and telling other people about it. They're so honest, fresh and free. No drama. No complications. Just simplicity and joy.
That's what I call beautiful.

Despite being exhausted and down this week (for no real reason), my heart was filled with love and joy because of everyone involved with VBS. You are all a blessing in my life! I am thankful to be a part of such an awesome church family, and hope to stay involved, God willing, for many years to come.

On another note, I was reading through #VBSprobs tweets on Twitter, and some of them are absolutely hysterical, so I just have to share some of these tweets:

‏@bellaiavarone 26 Jun

"Okay what else sounds like trinity?" "God" "Triangle" "Tranquilizer" #vbsprobs

@ElizabethErinn 20 Jun

Today, a 6 year old called me an "old maid" when she found out I was 21 and not married. #VBSprobs    <--- (this tweet is so relatable haha)

@youthgroupprobs 22 Mar

It's not VBS without the older men of the church attacking with their water guns when the kids go outside #VBSprobs

‏@build_a_BRIDGEE 24 Jul

Got attacked by these 3 kids for 10 minutes 😁 #VBSprobs 

‏@atbelcher27 19 Jul

Of course I'd be stuck with about 20 first graders when the power goes out. Oh, and did I mention they enjoy farting? #VBSprobs #stormprobs

@vmharris1995 18 Jul

"Can anyone tell me how God is in control of nature?" "I had three cats and they all got hit by cars and died." #VBSprobs

@KaciLeopold 27 Jun 12

Having VBS songs stuck in your head ALL THE TIME #vbsprobs

@jd_polk 6 Jun 12

"There is no dog heaven kids!!"-Me "Well where does my dog go?"-Little Girl "...........Hell"
#vbsprobs

@blairblckburn14 4 Jun 12

I officially have a boyfriend! His name is Wyatt and he asked me at 11 today! He's three...... #vbsprobs

@MaryEllaRogers 2 Jun 12

Having to make a grand canyon with just orange paper and paint #VBSprobs 

@KelsiHope_18 31 Mar 12

Having glue all over your hands so much that it peels off your nail polish and only comes off your hands with paint thinner... #VBSprobs

...Yup. All of these sound pretty legitimate. #VBSprobs

To Overthrow the "Entitlement" Mentality

See all those successful people who you admire and envy? Those individuals who have accomplished their dreams and contributed to society? Most aren't extra special nor do they have an incomprehensible IQ. Most just tried until they accomplished something. Failure did not stop them and neither did people's discouraging remarks.

Probably one of my largest pet peeves is when people hate on the wealthy or successful, screaming at them to "give me some of that."Though I'm sure some have inherited the money, it was earned none-the-less. I'm obviously not talking about bootleggers or illegal money-making scheme, but as far as the honest money-maker, it takes work.

Whenever I walk around Boston or any city in general, I wonder to myself who the owners are of all of the successful businesses.
How did they begin? 
How did they excel? 
What does it take to accomplish something hard?
Work. Time. Dedication.
For the most part, nothing came to the developers easy, whoever they may be.
They sweat. They stressed. They endured. They probably failed many times.

It seems to me that my generation of Americans has lost their sense of pride in working and have fallen into a mindset of entitlement.
"I deserve this because....
I'm an American.
I'm a woman.
I'm a minority.
I'm a teenager.
I'm a cat (haha just kidding.. but really)...."
The list could go on and on.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but we don't deserve anything. We never have.
We all have dreams. We all have passions. We all have talents.
But alone, these things cannot be cultivated without work.
Hard, honest work.
I think about all of the different passions I have, all of the people who have helped train me to accomplish these passions and all of the different possibilities in them.
I don't know what I'm going to be or what difference I will make, but whatever it is,
I'm going to be it and make it well.

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might; for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going." Ecclesiastes 9:10

In this incredible country, we can pretty much choose to do anything. We can choose to be anything.
The sad truth is, many of us waste it.
The government just gives us things, we take it and it makes us lazy.
The hard-working, honest living is shriveling up into oblivion for many of my generation, and it breaks my heart.

"In all labor there is profit, But idle chatter leads only to poverty."
Proverbs 14:23

Don't just talk about it- DO IT. Get up, work and do what you were made to do.

Working was never a curse, even before the fall of man.
God worked (and He also rested). (Genesis 1 & 2)
God also created mankind to cultivate the earth we've been given, with whatever occupation.

²⁷ So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. ²⁸ Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
Genesis 1:27-28

Work was created to glorify God and to minister to others (which also glorifies God).

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:32

I've been doing a study on Proverbs 31, which is specifically about what a virtuous woman looks like, but the concepts really are applicable to all human beings. She works with her hands willingly, she has integrity and ultimately she is looking out for the good of the people in her life (Proverbs 31:10-31). She is not lazy and because of her hard-work, her whole family benefits.

Hard work with the talents God has given us BREEDS success. Yes, this earth is not our permanent home, but God put us here, nonetheless, and He expects us to serve Him in all we do.

The Poem of Unrest

Miles and miles by car or flight,

The world seemed to have shrunk,

The Caribbean star, the Arabian night,

A filled, yet empty trunk.

To pasture grand with roaming horse,

Or eastern salty wave,

So far to learn, no past remorse,

I thought that I was brave.

And though the travels did entice,

My heart was left behind,

I found that though each place was nice,

My love was not that kind.

Romantic dreams of southern stage,

Made faulty thoughts unkempt,

And though the dreamer dreamt a page,

The words were still unmet.

Expectations, inspirations,

All but really fake,

Though I still have aspirations,

It’s not my time to take.

Willing attempt, decision and plan,

Each a noble cause,
Still fall short for every man,

They’re destination flaws.

Every place, experience galore,

Though rewarding in their way,

Leave its partakers wanting more,

Grown hunger every day.

One thing fulfills and does suffice,

Its mysteries unfailing,

Few prove willing to pay the price:

Surrender and exhaling. 

Gossip, Words & Speaking the Truth in Love

Gossip. 

The cliche posters in high schools saying "Gossip hurts."
The Christians who talk about how bad it is, but find time to tear people apart on a daily basis.
The idea that it doesn't even show up in Christian circles.

Unfortunately, despite people's recognition of how unbiblical it is, we still tend to shove it under the rug. Why? Why do we recognize other sins, yet find it justifiable to use words to rip people to shreds? What makes us think that it's ok?

I write this because I realize that this is one of my deepest and most real struggles. Let's be honest.
I am the first to blame. Right here, right now.

As Christians, our gossip may not involve a "Oh wow did you see her shoes? How hideous." (or maybe they do.. in which case, that's just sad).
Often our gossip entails sitting in our Christian circles and idly discussing others failures and mess-ups.
Does the fact that people sin or do something we don't approve of give us the right to go and talk to other people about them?

I guess the more specific question is, Did Jesus ever say this?:
"To make yourself more holy, go ahead and talk trash about an individual, let everyone know exactly what they did wrong and make sure they know that you would never do something like that. Humiliate them if necessary."
NO.

In fact, He said quite the opposite.

In Matthew 8:1-12, Jesus is in the middle of teaching a crowd when some Pharisees bring a woman (who was caught in the act of adultery) to Jesus, telling him to stone her.
His response?

“He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”

Now, I don't believe Jesus was saying that sin shouldn't be punished.
No, not at all. Sin is sin.
Sin is the reason Jesus came to die for us. Sin is what put Him on that cross.
I believe that this was Jesus' point: the Pharisees sought to publicly display individuals sin so that they themselves would seem more holy. So that people would recognize their works.

Isn't this often the motivation behind our idle conversation? To glorify ourselves?
Is this Biblical?
Why is it so difficult for us to show grace to others when JESUS shows grace to us DAILY?

When sin issues need to be addressed (and are done with a humble, loving heart), sin won't be addressed in a method of gossip.
Matthew 18:15-20 clearly tells what one should do if someone sins:

¹⁵ Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

 It also addresses what to do when a believer won't listen to you, if you do talk to them about their sin:

¹⁶ But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ ¹⁷ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

There's a pattern to dealing with believer's sin issues, and gossip is not one of them. Yes, if they absolutely refuse to leave from a sinful lifestyle, we are to view them as any other unbeliever (that does not mean we should sit and gossip about unbelievers either).
Sin should be addressed, but it should be addressed directly to the person.
Jesus addressed sin, and he addressed abandoning ourselves and our fleshly desires to follow HIM:

Matthew 8:34-35

³⁴ When He had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. ³⁵ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. 

When talking about sin issues, he didn't drop names- he simply talked about the sin for what it was. Romans 3 is extremely up front with man's depravity. It talks about the human condition and one's need for a SAVIOR.
However, Paul (in Romans) does not sit and name every person, what they did and how wrong they were.
He says "THIS is sin. THIS is why we need a Savior. THIS is the type of forgiveness we can have from our sins."
Not: "Woah, look at Sally Sue's sin! Can you believe that!"
No.

Believer or unbeliever- gossip is unacceptable.
Whether just empty chatter or whether seemingly "holy" talk- if it's not uplifting, edifying, encouraging, if it's not building up the body of Christ, if it's not pointing people to Christ, if it's not righteous LOVE- don't do it.

Really, it all comes back to LOVE. 
1 Corinthians 13 says,

"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. ² And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³ And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing."

Words. How powerful they are, yet how freely we use them.
The same tongue that says loving words can also be brutal and evil. (James 3)
So many verses in the Bible about this topic.

It's difficult because people often don't even know what constitutes "gossip." 
Basically, this is how I can tell that I should not say something (though often times I say it anyway, sadly) and that
it fits into the "gossip" category:

• If I would not want it said about me, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something that, if the subject matter had been about me, I would have rather it said in private, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's untrue, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not furthering the kingdom of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not glorifying the name of God, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not bringing someone to Christ, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's something I'd be embarrassed to have repeated to me later, I shouldn't say it.
• If I don't have all of the facts, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's not the business of the person I'm telling it to, I shouldn't say it.
• If it's going to get spread unnecessarily, I shouldn't say it.
• If what I'm saying isn't done out of LOVE, I shouldn't say it.
  As one of my elementary teachers used to always say:
  "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary."

I borrowed this picture from a Pinterest user: "OMalls."

Gossip is detrimental. It destroys friendships, builds enemies, breaks trust, hurts everyone.
Eradicate the gossip, whatever form it may take. It's not worth it.