Peace in the Sunrise

This morning, between 3 and 4am, I woke up to an intense feeling of fear. I wrote about it in my journal around 4am or so, so I will just copy to you what I wrote this morning, for there is no other way to describe the incredible two hours I have just had, except for exactly how I wrote about it as it happened.

"It's almost 4am and I've woken up due to overheating and nightmares. My dreams consisted of something like this: I was a mom with two children, living out of a suitcase, hiding from my husband, running from hotel to hotel. Every weekend he tries to come for them. The part I particularly remember is that I was putting away silverware and glass bowls in a china cabinet, fearing whatever was to happen that night, thinking about my brother's wife who was mentally unstable and I feared would come for me.

At this point, I had an almost overwhelming fear which woke me up to where I am now. I'm not saying my dream means anything, because it's no doubt that it is just the suppression of inner sinful fear and lack of trusting in God, because fear is not of God.

When I woke up, I was clutching the bedsheets and sweating, not bullets, but significantly. I looked up to see the time and as I reached for the lamp, I overpoweringly thought to myself, "So it's at night that I say God must speak to me in His word (but yet I haven't been reading), so then it's at night you will. You have some catching up to do." I switch tenses because I really feel that God wanted me to open His word for a reason.

As I opened my Bible, I felt that I should read in Isaiah where I left off a while ago. I read this verse:
Isaiah 35:4

"Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with a vengeance, with the recompense of God He will come and save you."

This verse, though probably taken out of direct context, gave me an incredible peace as I read it. In my life lies all these physical and spiritual, present and future fears: fears of the future, fears of spiritual warfare, fears of persecution, and fears of insecurity. I have come to realize that these fears MUST be dealt with and removed, because there is "NO fear in love."
1 John 4:17-19

"Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment, but he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us."

This is not to say that I have been visited by God, because God is always with me. This is to say that apparently within me lie these unknown fears which need to be addressed, because while in fear, my love in Christ is not shining to its full effect.
My current and most recent fears are those which deal with the camp that I'm going to in two days.
My fears consist of: not knowing the right words to say to the kids, not being fully equipped, and being alone and helpless. That's what it really boils down to.

1. The first fear: shows my lack of trust in God to GIVE me the words to speak, because they shouldn't be my words anyway.
2. The second: shows me my need to trust God to equip me. Christ promises never to leave us to fight any battles on our own, but rather He will be our guide, deliverer, friend, fortress, strength, help in time of trouble, and protector (as told by the Psalms).
3. The third: shows my need to LET GO of self-identity and firmly grasp onto my identity in Christ.

I am never "not part of something" in God's family. I am never helpless with God on my side. I am never alone in any battle that may come along, for God is GOOD. God does not break promises, nor does He lie. There is absolutely no reason to fear evil, because God is with me ALWAYS- whether I be home, at school, at camp, or on a mission field in the Middle East. I have no idea how God will use me in my life or what difficulties I may go through, but I know one thing:
No matter where I am, God is with me.
No matter what I may fear, God is BIGGEST.
God is HOLIEST.
God is MOST POWERFUL.
God is GOOD.
God protects His children and leaves them not alone.

In the spiritual realm, I have no idea what is currently taking place other than battle. I'm not the one to give specifics, but there is no doubt that God shows us in His Word of the constant fight between good and evil. I am thankful and at peace knowing that we know the ending to this story, and OUR GOD DOESN'T LOSE. Our God, who created all, knows all, and is in control of all, DOES NOT and CANNOT LOSE.

I find an incredible, unexplainable peace in this, knowing that there is nothing to fear, because my God will "come with a vengeance" to "come and save" ME. I love that God is not vague and distant, but PERSONAL. The pain people must be in, not in relationship with my personal, loving, all-powerful, holy God, but rather simply in relationship with themselves and themselves alone.

I am going to finish the chapter in Isaiah now....
....I have just finished Isaiah 35 and moved on to Psalm 37 which has awakened many truths to me.
I can tell you right now that there are no coincidences with God. Verses 7 and 8 pretty much sum up verses 1 through 8.
Psalm 37:7-8

"Rest in the Lord, wait patiently for Him. Cease from anger. Forsake wrath. Do not fret- it only causes harm."

There is really no other way to put this. No addition of words will express of these words as I go through life, seemingly going through unknown territory. To me, it may be unknown, but to God, nothing is unknown, and the LORD is with me.

I think I'm going to watch the sunrise.
Psalm 37:5-6

"Commit your way to the LORD, Trust in Him. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light."

I awoke in a state of fear in the darkness of the night, and left in a state of peace, love, and hope in Christ as I watched the sun  rise in the midst of the dawn. God is beauty in all its essence, and to describe it is impossible, yet it is utter worship to try. Worship is attempting to express God's beauty and perfection while knowing we will never reach understanding of any of it.

Tonight, I saw God working through His Word in a way I never have seen before. As I unintentionally jumped from Isaiah to 1 John to Psalms, and all these passages "somehow" related to fit perfectly together, I realized that this is of God and God alone.

The Bucket List

So, I've always wanted to write a bucket list out, but never really have, so I think as I approach a new experience in life (being a camp counselor), now is the time to create goals for my life in the future.
Here it goes... (in no particular order)...

1. Learn Arabic to the absolute utmost (learn how to speak it much better and understand different dialects, learn to read and write the formal language fluently, and be able to hold detailed, Biblical conversations).
2. Backpack through Europe and share the gospel with others as I go.
3. Lead as many people to Christ as God allows
4. Get married to a godly guy who fits me... and who will be my best friend. And then have a family with him :P
5. Reach the Muslim world
6. Be able to run 10 miles and not die..
7. Swim with dolphins
8. Be able to ride horses well
9. Pet a wolf
10. Own a husky
11. Never take a sip of alcohol in my life (so far so good)
12. Be able to swim a long distance (and not drown)
13. Learn to dive
14. Learn to do a cartwheel
15. Write a novel that touches lives
16. Write articles that make a difference
17. Climb a really tall tree
18. Read a Jane Austen novel while sitting under a weeping willow tree
19. Go on a missions trip to the Middle East
20. Play the piano regularly in church
21. Run through a corn field while singing random country songs
22. Become so fit that I have a six pack
23. Live in Boston.. even if it's for a short period of time
24. Whale watch
25. Go fishing all day
26. Hike up Mt. Washington
27. Actually learn to ski (and actually know what's going on)
28. Visit Hawaii and watch the surfers
29. Become so good at the piano that I am able to hear pieces on the radio, pick up the chords, and figure out the song on my own.
30. Love in a way that allows people to only see Jesus Christ in me.
31. Spend the Fourth of July and New Years in Boston

Those are just a few, but I'm sure I'll add in some here and there when I think of them.
What are some goals you have before you die?

OneWeek

This week has been a pretty good one filled with a pretty even balance of relaxation and family/friend time. I think I go back and forth pretty frequently over whether I'm disappointed to not be home the rest of the summer or whether I'm just extremely ready.

Part of me wishes that I would be able to be part of all of the "College&Career" activities, see my friends from church and school, spend time with my parents and sister/brother-in-law, or hang out on weekends up north with the cousins, while the other part of me is dying to get out and serve God, grow closer to Him away from the typical comforts of life, meet new people, be a mentor to kids, adapt to rising with the sun, and be forced to try new activities.
...that about sums up my feelings in one paragraph, to be honest.

The previous paragraph describes the inner battle I currently am facing between comfort and service (because to be honest, service is definitely not comfortable, and I am slowly coming to realize that). It's a strange feeling.. battling with oneself. Thankfully, I am not the only one involved in this "battle," but I have my God by my side, leading me to do His will one step at a time, and thankfully, I am going to camp whether I fully want to or not.

So, here I go. One week left. I won't lie, I will miss the sleeping in, the lazy days, the great talks with my parents, the down-time with my sister and brother-in-law, the random hang outs with long-time friends, and the freedom to read books for fun.
However, I cannot wait for the craziness, the laughing/screaming children, the opportunity to minister to these children, the responsibilities I have which force me to stay focused in my walk with God, the hikes, the cabins, the horses, the people I will meet, the staff that I will grow close to, the campfires, the nature, and the new experiences.

One quote I just found online that I really like:

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."
~Neil Postman

My main prayer is that through us, children will come to know God. I pray that our lives would be a testimony of His love, grace, and holiness, and that they would see Jesus Christ in us.

Provision and Prayer

This past week I have really been made aware of two main factors in the Christian life which I unfortunately take for granted and often overlook: God's constant provision and answering of prayer.
I believe that if I stopped to think about these two aspects of God more often, I would stumble in my faith a lot less.

For the past few years, money matters have been a constant issue which persistently prod at my family's mind. Budgets have been tight for most families that I know as well, especially families with college kids. A few days ago I received an email showing the amount of federal aid I would receive this coming year, and I can tell you that I was blown out of the water when I saw it. Not only did God provide, but He abundantly lavished. Yes, there are still payments to be done, but it's doable. God is good. He is good no matter what, but the fact that He chooses to bless me with the most random and incredible blessings expresses His complete goodness and MERCY, simply blowing me away.
Sometimes I find myself struggling to understand why God would allow my father, a hard-working, experienced, brilliant, friendly, godly man to be unable to find suitable work for over three years. While this question looms in my head, my eyes are blinded from the truth of it all. Job or not, God has provided. I have found that through this seemingly negative job situation, my dad has not only made a difference in my life through his determined mind-set and humble spirit, but he has also impacted the lives of an innumerable amount of people. Through the extra time he has been given, he has been able to truly invest himself in the lives of our family and those in our church, and instead of letting the difficulties bring him down, he always finds hope in God's provision. My father is truly an incredible role model, and I strive to love God and people the way he does.

In the realms of prayer, I seem to go through this every few months, where I see how INCREDIBLE God is in His love for me as He hears me, an insignificant nothing, and then answers.
This past week I found my old prayer journal from 2008 and 2009. The encouragement I received from reading through it, seeing all of the answered prayers (definitely not how I imagined they would be answered), reminiscing on these past situations, and meditating on God's goodness, is unable to truly be described in words. As I look back to December 2008, I remember the pain I had over some of these situations, the total helplessness I felt, and the desperation with which I prayed these prayers to God.
Some of these prayer requests:
-"That Chantal would be able to get a VISA and be able to come to the U.S. soon." Dec. 2008
        Chantal not only was able to come the U.S. safely without any problems, but her and Jean-Paul are now married and have an incredibly beautiful little girl.
-"That one of my friends would stop doing drugs and to get saved." Dec 2008
        One of my high school friends not only stopped doing drugs, but accepted Christ as His Savior.
-"That I would find work" Dec 2008
        I not only found work, but I was able to witness to people during the job as well.
-"That my sister would get the funds for college." Dec 2008
       My sister, Grace not only was able to afford college, but is now graduated with her Master's in Nursing and is now a Nurse Practitioner.
-"That my sister would find a good godly guy." Dec 2008
      Not only did she "find a good godly guy" but she found the best, godly guy for her and they are now married.
-"That this year I would grow spiritually." Jan 2009
      Well, this year has definitely been a growing experience, and I am thankful to God for every situation He placed in my life this year to grow closer to Him and be forced to seek His face and find my identity in Him alone.
-"That I would progress in writing." Jan 2009
      I definitely feel as though I've really been able to learn more about writing and become more motivated to chase after my Journalism dreams ;]. So much more work to do, but when compared to 2009, I definitely grew in my writing abilities.
-"That my relative would quit smoking and grow spiritually." Feb 2009
     He quit that smoking. And he's still going strong (it's been about a year and a half or more). In these two years he also has grown spiritually as well.
-"For my friend to find work." Feb 2009
       She has had work for quite a while, and now has an interview for even better full-time position at another job.
-"For my cousin Marc to find an internship." Feb 2009
       He now has an incredible internship. It may have taken a while, but God still answered in His time.
-"SATs." Mar 2009
       Well I'm in college and finished my freshman year, so I must have passed those SATs.


The lists go on and on, from friends finding work after months of searching, to friends and family being healed without many complications of injuries and illnesses, God has been working. Many of my requests consisted of struggles in my own spiritual life, and while I have by no means conquered many of these, God has grown me through them and allowed Himself to be glorified through these weaknesses.

This is not to say that every request I pray for I expect to get "my way", because really God owes me NOTHING, nor do I even know what is truly best for myself the way my Savior does. This is just to show God's grace in these situations, allowing me and my friends or family to get through these situations, bringing the circumstances to conclude in ways which would glorify Him, even though done in methods I would not expect nor typically choose for myself. Thankfully, other than the choices I make, I am not in control of what happens to me, but rather God, the Creator of the Universe holds me and my situations in His hands always.

The Adventures of a Swollen Face

As I sit here, tired, swollen, and having watched way too many movies in one day, I think to myself, "Self, this is probably a good time to write a blog about my fat-faced, delirious experiences this long day!" So here I am, ready to unleash the not-so-fascinating life of a swollen visage (yes, my entire face has experiences of its own. Don't mock me).

So what occurred pre-surgery this morning?
I woke up (that's always a good sign). My mom drove me to the oral surgeon, myself unwillingly riding in the passenger seat. Just kidding.. I chose to come, but only because I had to (explain that one).
We arrived, awkwardly sat down in the waiting room, finished the extra paperwork, and off I went into the chair of death (...dentist chair). As I watched the nurses attach strange things to my arms and fingers, I decided that I didn't like this as much I thought I wouldn't like it. Then came the needle, which just about did it for me. As I was contemplating throwing off the awkward clamps on my arms and fingers and rampaging through the hospital yelling, "YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST," I decided that wouldn't be a good idea, but instead turned away and closed my eyes (not quite as fulfilling). The nurse placed some weird mask thing on my nose and the last thing I heard her say was, "Take a deep breath in. You're going to feel a little weird in a minute." Weird was definitely an understatement. My body almost seemed to tingle and as I dosed off I remember thinking, "So this is what it feels like to get high. This is definitely not fun."

The next thing I know, I am dreaming (or at least I think I am). The world seems to be spinning in all sorts of directions, and my mom and the nurse seem to be talking very slowly and quietly. The only thing I could really make out in the conversation was the nurse telling my mom to keep talking to me so I would eventually wake up and be able to leave. At this point, I was really confused, wondering why the surgery hadn't started yet and why I felt so tired. While it all began to spin less, the lack of feeling in my face began to be more evident. I blinked my eyes a few times, realizing I could not see due to my near-blindness (the sadness of needing contacts/glasses). I recognized my mom sitting across from me asking me if I could hear her, as she touched my leg a little bit to awaken me. For some reason my legs felt extremely numb and uncomfortable, causing me to angrily pull my leg away and grunt at her (yes I remember all of this, and when I look back I don't understand the reasoning behind my actions... but it happens when you're high on anesthetics). During this unidentified period of time (I really cannot remember how long it took for me to actually get up), I recall a few random attempted "conversations" that my mom and I exchanged.

Remembered Conversation One:
Mom: How are you feeling?
Me: *swollen-mouthed grumbling*...I feel high.
Mom: What? High?
Me: I hate drugs. I'm never taking them.
Mom: God forbid. (except she said that in Arabic..)

Remembered Conversation Two:

Me: *still awkwardly groaning through the swollen-ness and gauze* ...What's this? (pointing to my lips which I have no feeling in). Gauze?
Mom: No. Your lips.
Me: NOOoooo! NO! IT'S GAUZE!
Mom: No. It's definitely your lips.
Me: ..Oh. What's this? (point to my chin). Gauze?
Mom: No. That's your chin.
Me: Noooo!! GAUZE!
                     --> I'm not really sure why I was so frustrated by the fact that it wasn't gauze, but for some reason this whole little issue really bothered me. And I remember it all, but don't get any of it.

Remembered Conversation Three:

Me: *...still very difficult to understand* I'm dizzy.
Mom: ...What are you saying?
Me: Dizzy.
Mom: Are you feeling sick?
Me: NO. DIZZY. *spinning my hand around in circles angrily*
Mom: Ohh. You're dizzy?
Me: *sobbing* Yes. Dizzy. I can't see.
Mom: Are you blacking out? Are you ok?
Me: No. Because I'm dizzy. *still sobbing*

...hahaha my poor mother.
Then, the nurse came in.
At this point, my mom gave me my glasses so I could finally see things in the room, which actually just made everything begin to spin even more and hurt my head all the more. Of course, this is when the nurse decides to walk in.

Nurse: How are you feeling?
Me: *staring at a painting on the wall of three little girls* ....The girls are creepy.
Nurse: What girls?
Me: The ones on the wall.
Nurse: *looks up at the wall* ...hahahahaha. THOSE GIRLS ARE CREEPY! Don't tell the doctor I said that though!
Me: *tries to laugh but is in pain every time I break a smile*

So, the rest my time in the office consisted of odd conversations like these along with my attempt to stand up and move around. All of this was in "dream-mode".. you know, that mode where you're there, but everything is far away and awkward. The only word that kept coming to mind throughout all of this was "groggy," which was pretty appropriate. A few nasty things occurred, which I won't go into detail about, for all your sakes, but it was all pretty unpleasant at this point.

When I arrived home I walked into the bathroom to wash my hands, noticed my swollen face, attempted to laugh at myself, but instead found myself in pain (how awful it is to be in pain during laughter.. such an oxymoron). The rest of the day consisted of mashed potatoes, smashed popsicles, gatorade, meds, about 5 hours of girly movies on the couch, and another two hour movie with my cousin Simon who came to keep me company. And now I am here, typing away.

All in all, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The pain isn't nearly as bad as I expected (yet), I can finally feel my lips and tongue, and I love mashed potatoes, so it's all good. There isn't much to complain about when I am allowed to watch chick flicks all day with my mom. So, to any of you who prayed for me, thank you! It definitely helped!

Anddd let the sleeping begin. I'm definitely ready for a good nights sleep.
Goodnight, and God bless!

Oh, yes.. and two pictures to humor you...

 Swollen. Sad. Unable to feel my face...

                       ....but my Mama acts as a good nurse :].
So thankful for her. I love you, Mama!!

Change, Wise Teeth, and Lessons

Change occurs, you adapt, then life goes on.

It's an interesting feeling.. having a married sister. I didn't know what it would be like, but now I do. I haven't had that dramatic relapse of sobbing that I thought I maybe would have once my sister left, but rather just a weird empty spot. It's a curious feeling- the feeling you get when you come home, subconsciously wait for your sister to come home, wonder what is taking her so long, then realize it's because she's not living here anymore. Weird. I think one of those "lonely moments" hit me the other night when I had no one to watch a girly movie with.

One fact that I always realize in these times of change that occur in life is: Life goes on. Though it may not feel like it at times, I've already begun adjusting to this change.

I seriously cannot believe I leave for camp in two and a half weeks.
I also can't believe that I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Friday. I try not to think about it, because to be quite honest, surgery and anesthetics terrify me. I'm not exactly sure why. It could be because the thought of random people cutting me open generally just sounds pretty uncomfortable, or maybe it's because the after pain may be excruciating and I won't even be able yell angrily about it (due to a swollen mouth). Well, it looks like I will be eating a lot of very random foods that don't compliment each other whatsoever and that I probably will get sick of by the first day. Ice cream and mashed potatoes just don't sound like an appetizing duo. Or who doesn't love applesauce and spaghettios.. Oh, let's throw some custard pudding there too. YUMMAY. Actually, I could go for some custard pudding right now (I will have my fair share of it for the next week I suppose).

So what have I been learning in my spiritual life lately? Well, my previous blogs have sort of been scattered descriptions as to what I've been learning and what I've been experiencing so far this summer. Let's just say, God knows exactly what I need in order to change before being in any sort of leadership position. From keeping my mouth shut to humbling myself to confess heart sins, God never fails to remind me of His love throughout it all.
Christianity is not about perfection. It's about understanding our lack of perfection, recognizing when it's time to let go of ourselves, and bowing before the Almighty God in humility and brokenness.
Sometimes I find myself frustrated by my sins, rightfully so, but not because of the fact that I sinned. This frustration over sin comes from a selfish motive of wishing to be the epitome of perfection for all the world to see. The thing is, it's not about the world seeing us. It's about the world seeing Christ. It's not about our personal triumphs. It's about our failures, bringing us to our renewal through Christ. We will never be the epitome of perfection, but rather Christ must be the perfection in us. Anything good that comes out of us is not of ourselves. I think that's where I often go wrong, leading me into pride and apathy.

"I'm fine just where I am. I don't do any big sins." This is the attitude which introduces a dramatic falling away from Christ. Self-satisfaction and contentment.
In the gospels, pride is one of the main sins which Jesus addresses, expressing his extreme hatred for hypocrisy, pride, and self-righteousness. I think we often overlook people like the Pharisees whom Jesus intensely scolds, stating that their pride and apathy made them to be like vipers, poisoning all who surround them. Are we Christians who bask in our own holiness, ignoring our inward sins and covering up the deep, core sins which will eat slowly away at us in secret? Are we Christians who place ourselves up on this pedestal of perfection, wishing for others to look at us in awe and admiration?
Or... Are we Christians who give up ourselves, allowing Christ to be the center of who we are and the first thing people see when they look at us. Are we Christians who wish only for people to see Christ's perfections in our failures and His love in the midst of our natural hate?

That is one of the main things I have been learning, intertwining with all the other little things that Jesus Christ has been teaching me day to day (forgiveness, self-control, patience, sacrifice, service).

So to close this all, I would just like to say that I am terrified of this surgery tomorrow. Just a little thought that popped into my mind. So, if any of you happen to remember me tomorrow, a prayer for as little pain as possible, no complications, and a quick recovery would be MUCH appreciated.

God Bless <3.