Journalism Rollercoaster

So lately people have been inquiring as to why I ever even majored in Business for my first semester of college when I wanted to study Journalism from 7th grade-11th grade, and then suddenly realized I still wanted to second semester of freshman year. My answer for these people requires a pretty extensive explanation.. so, where else to explain such things other than a blog?

So, the question that hangs in the air is "why?" Why the sudden lack of interest in something that I had wanted to do since junior high? Why the sudden return of interest?

Well three main factors assisted in discouraging me from going for my long-time desire to be a writer:
1. Taking criticism too much to heart
2. Comparing myself to other people
3. Allowing myself to believe that I wasn't good enough

These three factors combined became an overwhelming force which completely morphed my view of myself, others, and to a point, even God. When you combine negative thoughts emerging from others and mix them with negative thoughts emerging from yourself, you find yourself in a heap of negativity. From this heap of negativity comes a mountain of illogical and slightly impulsive decisions. If these decisions are followed through with on a long term basis, the result is misery. This misery is a unique sort of misery, in that, it is a misery which hovers beneath an illusion of happiness created by lies of inadequacy and probable failure.

From this little slice of my mind you can probably see the overall situation which occurred in my life. Now for the details.

1. Taking criticism too much to heart
Let's keep this short and sweet with no hard feelings. I loved my English class in high school a lot and highly respected my teacher. He was by no means purposefully or vengefully discouraging, but his criticisms on my work left me distraught and ready to give up. I do not blame him, but rather realize that my insecurities and quickness to take such criticisms to heart played a part in the faulty decision-making.

2.Comparing myself to other people

Since my early childhood, one of my main insecurities has always been my lack of natural talents. I constantly struggled (and still struggle) with becoming inexpressibly frustrated when being unable to excel as far as others in many areas of my life. One example of this is my reading abilities. I have always taken extensive periods of time to finish reading books, not because I'm a bad reader, but because I take my time to read every detail. I constantly re-read paragraphs to get the full effect of what the writer is trying to say, and often times I get distracted and my mind goes on a tangent because of whatever the author wrote. I can recall one particular time in the fourth grade when my friend and I were reading the same book. She started the book after I had decided that I wanted to read it. I had always taken a much longer time to finish books than she, so I was relieved to know that I was ahead since I had started the book first. The first night I got it I read about eighty pages specifically to make sure I remained ahead. When I came back to school the next day I asked her confidently how many pages she had read (and of course made sure to add in that I had read eighty pages last night). She looked at me puzzled and said, "Pages? I finished the book in a couple of hours." Now that may seem like a simple, insignificant moment in my life, but to me it was a big deal. That moment would signify the many times in my life that I would feel like a failure because of my habit of basing my excellence on others level of skill. From that introduction I can now explain why that is significant in my life. This friend's achievements would become the cornerstone that I would compare all of my "failures" to and allow to awaken every previous insecurity in this area.
Writing had always been my thing. In third grade I wrote some ridiculous story about a haunted bathroom stall and for some reason everyone in my third grade class bought a copy, because who wouldn't want to read a story about two children, haunted by some seemingly dangerous ghost while harmlessly trying to use the restroom? Sounds fascinating right? (sarcasm..). Even before that, I believe in first or second grade, I would write skits for my friends and I to practice and act out for our parents. Anyway, the point is, writing was one thing I always felt confident about and really loved to do. I would write poetry and short stories throughout elementary school and junior high. Seventh grade was when I decided that I would want to write professionally someday; this dream continued on until junior year of high school. So what happened junior year? My friend (the same one who finished the book before me) began to receive higher grades than me on papers and written assignments. At first this wasn't a big deal, but when the teacher started recognizing her as "the best writer in the class," I couldn't take it. "Well," I told myself, "I'm not doing this anymore. There's no point at going for this if my friend will constantly find what it is I enjoy to do and then beat me at it." This was the mindset which hindered me from going for the major I really did want to be in.

3. Allowing myself to believe that I wasn't good enough

Based on the first two points I hit, I began to really question my abilities.
"My teacher likes my friend's work better than mine. What's even the point of me trying?" "If I can't do this in high school, how can I do this in college or for a career?"
Instead of basing my self-worth on Christ and what HE would help me do, I focused on myself and what I was unable to do. I have realized that this mindset is what causes laziness, depression, and lack of success in general


So how did I end up switching to Journalism? Well, simply, these three points kept coming up in my mind, I loved both of my English classes, I loved blogging (and still do), would journal constantly and love it, and I owned my two English classes ;]. Mainly, I realized (once again) that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I also learned this year that everybody is DIFFERENT and to compare myself to anyone else is to completely deny who God made me and strip myself of my unique and individual character. I am not my friend and I am not my teacher's ideal student. I am me, and I am who God created me to be. The talents I have can only be cultivated through my reliance on God, motivation, and hard work. Through these three reasons I saw three incredible failures on my part. Honestly, I still struggle with those three things daily (and that's even an understatement).
But, until then, I will continue to remind myself that God is my strength and to put myself down is to put down his creation.

There you go. Explanation.

Relationship Before Service

Tonight was the leadership dedication. RD's, RA's, SLD's, and Prayer Leaders all were prayed over, dedicated, and sent over to their new hall assignments. My initial thoughts going into it were, "Really? This is awful timing. I have two finals and white glove tonight. Awful awful timing." As I sat down and Chris Deitsch began to speak (and that other guy whose name I forget), I realized that while I'm unfocused on school work and cleaning duties, I have been even more unfocused on spiritual things- things that actually matter in my life.
Tonight I was definitely convicted as I listened to Chris Deitsch say that, "just like Esther, maybe we were brought to Liberty to be on leadership in 'such a time as this.'" I was even more convicted when that other guy who spoke reminded us of a message he gave in convocation a month or two ago when he said, "Your relationship with God must come BEFORE your service for God." 
Tonight was the night I realized how incredibly difficult it will be to put my quiet time with God and own personal relationship with God above my relationship with others and serving them in spiritual matters. If I cannot keep up in my own personal life regarding my relationship with God, how can I possibly serve and lead others in their walks with God?
Anyway, I have a feeling this will be something that I will be constantly having to remind myself about throughout the summer, next year, and well.. probably my whole life. I pray that I can dig deep into the Bible this summer and really stay focused on my walk with God so that I can be the best prayer leader I can be next year.

After the leadership dedication service, the leadership team that I'm going to be with next year walked back to the dorm, sat together in a circle, and grabbed hands as we prayed together. It was an incredible moment, to bond with these girls that I hardly know and already feel close to them. It's impossible to explain.. the connection you have with other believers. You already understand each other, because you already have the same God, faith, and ultimate life goals. Every believer is unique in personality, physical looks, ethnic backgrounds, family backgrounds, and life experiences, but can still be brought together in a family bond because of Christ and the same ultimate change He has made in our lives. It's amazing, and I am so excited to be a part of this leadership team next year. I have a feeling God will really be working on me this summer, and I'm pretty nervous to see what exactly will happen in my life to get me to where I need to be. It won't be easy, and it won't always be fun by any means, but the end result with be incredible. I know that God is working the bumps out of my life so that I may be a beautiful clay figure created by Him. It's going to be a long ride. Prayers appreciated :].

God bless!

To the Awkward Couples

(I wrote this last week but forgot to post it..so here you go)

Alright, so apparently couples do not know the difference between being cute and just plain awkward. Therefore, such people's ignorance requires me to inform them. This is my opinion of course, but I'm sure that by now you realize that stating opinions is the point of having a blog.. so yes. Here it goes.

Dear Awkward Couples,

I write this to you on behalf of the many singles and non-awkward couples who have been awkwardly impacted by your interesting form of affection for one another. Unfortunately, while you may be unsuspecting and oblivious to your awkward ways, everyone else around you is fully aware. Believe me, there is no way to escape the awareness.

The first point I would like to make is this: it is not required that you constantly are touching each other in order to enjoy each others company. While this may come as a surprise to you, it is possible to form your relationship based on your friendship with each other rather than your physical attraction to them. There is nothing wrong in particular with hand-holding and what not, but the line is crossed when you are unable to walk anywhere unless the other person is grasping your hand. You do not automatically become a granite statue when your significant other releases your hand, but on the contrary are still able to function as an individual human being.

In addition to that, please learn from your cute-couple friends who understand the friendship aspect of their relationship. Friendships consist of two individuals who enjoy being with each other, not two people who constantly depend on each other and cannot spend time apart. Please note the difference. Your cute-couple friends have gotten this down, so I suggest you take notes from them.

I would also like to state a Seabird concert is not the place, nor the time to smooch and dance awkwardly as everyone else is trying to enjoy the music. In fact, no public place is the place to smooch and dance awkwardly, especially in an environment where things like that aren't even allowed.. AKA a private Christian college. Everyone stares not because they think you are cute, but because you are obnoxious and because the discomfort which people feel due to your unusual caressing is slightly disturbing. It's times like those which make me proud of RA's in their free distribution of reps.. There's a time for reps, and I would consider that to be a very appropriate time. REP: Why? Inconsiderately making everyone else at a concert feel uncomfortable and awkward. (At least we all had a good laugh, right?)

Now for a little message to all the cute-couples:

Thank you. Thank you for not making people uncomfortable, and thank you for being considerate of those around you. Also, thank you for giving photographers precious photo opportunities. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we appreciate it. Please teach our awkward-couple friends not to scar everyone's eyes, but to rather bless everyone's eyes with joy..

Thank you.

Two Finals Away

Where did this year even go? Freshman year of college.. finished?

It seems like yesterday I was a freshman in high school, yet now I'm two finals away from being a sophomore in college. It's a crazy feeling, hovering between excitement and sadness. Moving on in life, growing up, getting older. It's all so bittersweet.

In terms of the present, summer is fun and exciting, and no school work is fabulous, but spending three months away from these people whom I have become best friends with and have grown so much with this year is incredibly hard and slightly depressing. I'm glad to be going home to see my family and the friends I've grown up with, but it's weird going from a new chapter in life partially back to the old one.
In terms of the future, growing up and having more freedom is one of the best feelings ever, yet letting go of the past is one of the worst feelings ever.

Next year is going to be so different rooming with new people and being on a completely different hall with completely different leadership. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to meet new people, be part of a seemingly incredible leadership team, and grow close to another circle of people, but this year and right now is what I know of college. College is this part of campus, this dorm, this room, with these roommates. Or so I think. I'll say it right now- change is frightening. Change is also fascinating and unusual, and I will never understand my feelings towards it. It's probably better that way.

..Now to go clean out my closet and desk. Sad day.

God bless :]

Updates&Things

These last few weeks of school have been incredible. It's crazy how much things change in a month, don't you think? My weeks have been filled with so many end-of-the-year shenanigans, and I know that these memories I've made will last forever. Easter break was probably the most amazing weekend of my college career. It began sort of on the sad side, with the inability to be home for Easter and such. As the week progressed, I was able to spend time with some ladies whom I have been friends with all year, but somehow got much closer to over the weekend. I am definitely blessed with awesome friends, and Easter weekend made that obvious!

Easter day was definitely like no other this year. A roadtrip to a lake with friends and tunes definitely is something new for Easter Sunday.. a good new though. The drive was awesome, the sun brighter than ever and the wind obnoxiously throwing around my curly hair (which were mostly just tangles by the end of the day). When we arrived, we had almost the entire beach to ourselves. The four of us set out our towels and just enjoyed the sun and the sounds of nature (until we got some more tunes going eventually). The water was freezing, but something about it was so crisp and refreshing that it didn't even matter. Things always seem warmer and more enjoyable with good friends. Question: Why are sandwiches some how the most delicious food on earth when at a beach-like environment? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to this, but that's fine with me. Sometimes the most simple mysteries create comforts in the most random situations. Anyway, in general the time was awesome and we achieved some pretty great tans. Yes, tans are an achievement.
In addition to that, I saw Easter in a completely new light this year. My perspective on Easter will probably never be the same, and I know I needed to be away from family, good food, and my home church in order to find that out. Within the comforts of home and my church, the incredible meaning of the cross and it's power seem to become fuzzy. I wrote a blog about what I learned this Easter a few days ago, so please see.. whatever day it is I wrote that.

This past week consisted of classes, speeches, and the usual randomness of college life. Tuesday night began the our hall's challenge of "no junk food for a week," which has been way more difficult than I expected. I accomplished the no junk food on Wednesday and Thursday, but Friday and Saturday failed. Today I've done well with it, but we'll see how tomorrow and Tuesday go. Why is junk food so difficult to give up? On top of that, what is even considered junk food? I feel like most of what American's eat is junk anyway, so what are we to do? Stop eating in general? I'm thinking a change in diet is in order pretty soon. We'll see what happens. Last Wednesday night's Campus Church involved over 50 baptisms (proclaimed professions of Christ) which is always awesome to witness and brings on tons of celebration here at my school. I've been going the gym a lot this week. I went Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and it was fabulous. Painful, but fabulous. I really hope I keep fit this summer the month I'm home. I know that I'll be constantly active at camp, but if I don't keep it up the month I'm home, I'm going to be a panting, out-of-shape mess as I attempt to keep up with insane 12 year olds at camp.
I feel like I write anymore I may burn out you guys eyes.. so I will stop now.
So, those are the happenings.