Journalism Rollercoaster

So lately people have been inquiring as to why I ever even majored in Business for my first semester of college when I wanted to study Journalism from 7th grade-11th grade, and then suddenly realized I still wanted to second semester of freshman year. My answer for these people requires a pretty extensive explanation.. so, where else to explain such things other than a blog?

So, the question that hangs in the air is "why?" Why the sudden lack of interest in something that I had wanted to do since junior high? Why the sudden return of interest?

Well three main factors assisted in discouraging me from going for my long-time desire to be a writer:
1. Taking criticism too much to heart
2. Comparing myself to other people
3. Allowing myself to believe that I wasn't good enough

These three factors combined became an overwhelming force which completely morphed my view of myself, others, and to a point, even God. When you combine negative thoughts emerging from others and mix them with negative thoughts emerging from yourself, you find yourself in a heap of negativity. From this heap of negativity comes a mountain of illogical and slightly impulsive decisions. If these decisions are followed through with on a long term basis, the result is misery. This misery is a unique sort of misery, in that, it is a misery which hovers beneath an illusion of happiness created by lies of inadequacy and probable failure.

From this little slice of my mind you can probably see the overall situation which occurred in my life. Now for the details.

1. Taking criticism too much to heart
Let's keep this short and sweet with no hard feelings. I loved my English class in high school a lot and highly respected my teacher. He was by no means purposefully or vengefully discouraging, but his criticisms on my work left me distraught and ready to give up. I do not blame him, but rather realize that my insecurities and quickness to take such criticisms to heart played a part in the faulty decision-making.

2.Comparing myself to other people

Since my early childhood, one of my main insecurities has always been my lack of natural talents. I constantly struggled (and still struggle) with becoming inexpressibly frustrated when being unable to excel as far as others in many areas of my life. One example of this is my reading abilities. I have always taken extensive periods of time to finish reading books, not because I'm a bad reader, but because I take my time to read every detail. I constantly re-read paragraphs to get the full effect of what the writer is trying to say, and often times I get distracted and my mind goes on a tangent because of whatever the author wrote. I can recall one particular time in the fourth grade when my friend and I were reading the same book. She started the book after I had decided that I wanted to read it. I had always taken a much longer time to finish books than she, so I was relieved to know that I was ahead since I had started the book first. The first night I got it I read about eighty pages specifically to make sure I remained ahead. When I came back to school the next day I asked her confidently how many pages she had read (and of course made sure to add in that I had read eighty pages last night). She looked at me puzzled and said, "Pages? I finished the book in a couple of hours." Now that may seem like a simple, insignificant moment in my life, but to me it was a big deal. That moment would signify the many times in my life that I would feel like a failure because of my habit of basing my excellence on others level of skill. From that introduction I can now explain why that is significant in my life. This friend's achievements would become the cornerstone that I would compare all of my "failures" to and allow to awaken every previous insecurity in this area.
Writing had always been my thing. In third grade I wrote some ridiculous story about a haunted bathroom stall and for some reason everyone in my third grade class bought a copy, because who wouldn't want to read a story about two children, haunted by some seemingly dangerous ghost while harmlessly trying to use the restroom? Sounds fascinating right? (sarcasm..). Even before that, I believe in first or second grade, I would write skits for my friends and I to practice and act out for our parents. Anyway, the point is, writing was one thing I always felt confident about and really loved to do. I would write poetry and short stories throughout elementary school and junior high. Seventh grade was when I decided that I would want to write professionally someday; this dream continued on until junior year of high school. So what happened junior year? My friend (the same one who finished the book before me) began to receive higher grades than me on papers and written assignments. At first this wasn't a big deal, but when the teacher started recognizing her as "the best writer in the class," I couldn't take it. "Well," I told myself, "I'm not doing this anymore. There's no point at going for this if my friend will constantly find what it is I enjoy to do and then beat me at it." This was the mindset which hindered me from going for the major I really did want to be in.

3. Allowing myself to believe that I wasn't good enough

Based on the first two points I hit, I began to really question my abilities.
"My teacher likes my friend's work better than mine. What's even the point of me trying?" "If I can't do this in high school, how can I do this in college or for a career?"
Instead of basing my self-worth on Christ and what HE would help me do, I focused on myself and what I was unable to do. I have realized that this mindset is what causes laziness, depression, and lack of success in general


So how did I end up switching to Journalism? Well, simply, these three points kept coming up in my mind, I loved both of my English classes, I loved blogging (and still do), would journal constantly and love it, and I owned my two English classes ;]. Mainly, I realized (once again) that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13). I also learned this year that everybody is DIFFERENT and to compare myself to anyone else is to completely deny who God made me and strip myself of my unique and individual character. I am not my friend and I am not my teacher's ideal student. I am me, and I am who God created me to be. The talents I have can only be cultivated through my reliance on God, motivation, and hard work. Through these three reasons I saw three incredible failures on my part. Honestly, I still struggle with those three things daily (and that's even an understatement).
But, until then, I will continue to remind myself that God is my strength and to put myself down is to put down his creation.

There you go. Explanation.