Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:

"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."

And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.

A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).