He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

The Ones Who Crossed: the beginning

Friends, I was thinking and laughing today about the fact that all my friends who get in relationships seem to fall off the face of the planet.. and so then this story happened. Please note that I do not dislike my couple friends, but I merely had the inspiration for this story and couldn't help myself but write it down. To all my couple friends, I do really love you ;].

It was not the worst of times, but not the best of times. But sometimes good times. Life seemed somewhat ordinary, and nothing too spectacular was happening. To most, the world seemed a regular shade of blue, but soon it would turn an unusual shade of pink and lilac to others.

As Uno arose from her slumber to what she thought would be a regular day, her eyes were glazed over, oblivious to what was to come. Over to the sink she went, washing away the sleep and awakening her soul to life. All preparation for the day began normally, until suddenly she heard a knock on her door. It was her friend, Solo.

"Something's terribly wrong," were the only words to proceed out of Solo's mouth, then silence. The type of silence that prompts awkward shifting of eyes and shuffling of feet. Finally Uno spoke. "What's wrong."
"Everything," Solo replied. "They're nowhere to be found."
"Who, Solo?"
"The most recent Couple. I think they've crossed over."

Uno's heart dropped into her chest as the words sunk in. "Crossed over." Every single's terror. She had heard of this before, but never had she witnessed first-hand. The nightmare had in an instant transformed into a dark reality.

It all started on February 14th-- a day that is not spoken of often among the singles, but every individual knows about. It's the day they say many singles are consumed by the One With the Arrow and devoured by his blood-stained teeth. Uno knew she was not to roam the streets or go into public places-- the elder singles had warned her of its results. Nonetheless, Uno did not listen, and to make matters worse, she dragged along friends as well. She wanted adventure, and what was she to do but bring company with her? Off she went through the square on the dark day, the sky a shade of blood red. The day interested her and she sought to know what it held. Little did she know how her life would change. Uno's friends, more apprehensive about the decision, followed behind her suspiciously, their eyes following every noise and shadow. As they walked through the hollow streets, the sound of their hearts beating violently, they realized the sound was actually not their own hearts. It was hearts of "the Others."

The Others were also singles, but Our Kind normally avoided them at all costs. Until, of course, they heard the sound of the heartbeats. The sound was known to beckon Our Kind when we least expected it, beginning the process which would result in the "crossing over" of which we speak. Uno had heard a heartbeat a few times, but she seemed to have some sort of immunity to its powers, constantly overcoming its mystical echoes. However, some were more inclined to the sound of the beats- especially when the beat seemed to parallel their own heartbeats. When the beats met in harmony, the plague would set in and the members would transform into what we call "New Couples." From this point on, the plague would spread into their veins, breathing in their beings and creating partially mindless creatures. The Couples would be so devoured by the plague that their focus could only be on each other, their mind clouding the rest of the world in a deep fog. Such was the process of the heartbeats.

As the sound of the beats grew louder, Uno feared to look behind her into the eyes of her friends. She dreaded what she would see. Rigidly her head turned, her neck aching in the struggle against herself. Hearts. No eyes left in her friends heads, but simply hearts where the eyes used to be. Now they were just some eyeballs that she used to know. Uno shrieked in terror at the sight of her heart-eyed friends, and suddenly she realized what had happened. Both of her friends heartbeats had harmonized with the beat of the Others, and from that moment on, they would be lost forever.
After that day, her friends' minds grew more and more numb to the rest of the world. Their brains were overtaken by another world-- one of oblivion. Eventually the numbness got worse, and eventually, her friends had disappeared all together. They had crossed over, never to be seen again. To where they go is a mystery that Uno has yet to discover.

And so Uno's adventure began in her journey among the blinded...

To be continued....

Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing,  ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.