Things I Learned Today

1. The highway is not as scary of a place as it seems.
   Beyond the high speeds and the obnoxious tolls, the highway has a soft spot to it. A soft spot that involves cruising to tunes, feeling like a winner and enjoying the scenery (which is always quite wonderful in New England). Despite my former assumptions, not all drivers are out to get me, 70 mph is really not that terrifying and I will not end up in Canada. Five years later, I have conquered an irrational fear! Laugh if you want, but we both know that you have an equally irrational fear. It's ok, we'll get through it together.
   
   
2. I'm not quite as directionally dysfunctional as previously believed.
   I didn't get lost today on the way to my internship... and I drove for almost an hour all alone! For those of you who know me, this is a big deal. I mean, I am still lower on the "I know how to get places" meter, but I learned today that I can read signs. When the GPS fell off the windshield and I was forced to just find my way via road signs, I made it. Well, I am positive that it was God giving me wisdom so I wouldn't, in fact, end up in Canada, but with God's help I CAN FIGURE IT OUT! I may be able to survive the transportation world after all.
   
   
3. I am learning things in school!
   Yay! The thousands of dollars that I have been spending (and my parent's have been spending) on an education haven't been a waste! For my internship, I will have to use the same audio program that I used during my practicum. Today, I realized how much I remembered. I wasn't as completely and utterly lost as I thought I would be! Hizzah for being able to keep up! Hip hip, hooray! I wonder how many other things I know and remember that I do not even realize? Thank you to the many professors who pour into us as students-- you are much appreciated. To be quite honest, I would be as clueless as it gets if it were not for the professor folks.
   
   
4. The LORD is faithful.
   Wait what? I didn't know that already? Well, I did... My faith just always seems to kind of burn down to a warm glow sometimes instead of the preferred blazing flame. That truth stinks, but it is the truth none-the-less. Despite my unbelief, God is GOOD, kind, merciful, and loving. He gives when I don't deserve, blesses when I don't believe and provides when I don't see it coming. I still have yet to find a job, but I trust that I will end up exactly where God wants me. Exactly where. I also know that, until He provides a job, I am, right now, exactly where He wants me to be. Exactly there. I am so thankful I have a God who I can trust, and I am thankful for the opportunities He has given me to serve Him, glorify Him and SHINE Him.
   
   
5. I'm in the right major.
   YES. Another indication that I have not wasted my (and my parent's) money. Even if I don't do exactly what it is I'm studying to do (that is, writing and journalism), it's helping me to get into different types of avenues and explore the gifts God has given me. I love what I'm learning, and it's been useful to so many unexpected aspects of my life.
   
   
6. I'm thankful for my school.
   I realized today that I complain an unnecessary amount about my school. So I don't agree with every little thing they do. So what? I am SO blessed to be there. The opportunities have been great. The lessons have been great. The education has been great. The professors have been great. The people I have been able to get to know are great. From my experiences and education at that school, I have learned and come to understand even MORE about how GREAT my God is. Also, I promise that I learned more words in journalism school than the word "great," but I also learned to only use big words when necessary, and "great" is the most fittingly simple word. I love that God has changed me through my time at school, and I love that He has been glorified through my experiences there.
   
   
7. My parent's are incredible.
   So supportive. So encouraging. So loving. I mean, my mom packed me a lunch on my first day today just to relieve my nerves and save me time-- if that's not love, I don't know what is. They are always showing me the love of God, and I couldn't be more overwhelmed by it. People have asked me, "Well, you grew up being taught about Jesus. How do you know you weren't just believing a lie your whole childhood?" I can tell you right now that my parent's HAVE LIVED the truth. They were my early glimpses of God's love. They were my brief explanations to hope and truth. For that, I am unbelievably grateful. They're not perfect, but they were perfect for me: they were the parents God provided me with. He knew I would be born to them, and He knew that I would need them to be the parents I had. My mind is sort of boggled now, so I'm going to move on to another point.
   
   
8. God is my strength.
   Again, something I already knew, but something I literally need to be reminded of EVERY day. Every action, every decision, every word-- everything-- can only be done by God's strength in me. Anything I do in my own attempts with result in a FAIL. Believe me, I've had many FAIL moments, and they're not fun. But I've also had many victorious moments when I gave up control to my Savior. The only reason I made it on the highway, did not get lost, followed what was going on today, understood the instructions, made it through the day in one piece and made it back home safely was that Jesus got me through. That's how. There's really no other method of success but to give up control to Jesus. So refreshing.

So, I'm going to go and end there. One, because I'm out of points, and two, because 8 is my favorite number. Funny how that works out.
Thankful to the LORD for another day that He was give the glory!

The Stuff of Summer

Despite the overcast, slightly chilly days, I love New England summers.
The thunderstorms are mild, but beautiful,
the rain is gloomy, but magnifies the greenery,
and the light breeze forces me to hold on tighter to the ones I love.

It's good to be home.

Home has a way of relaxing me, even when I'm stressed. I know that I am loved where I am, and that's all I really need to know. That I am loved. From that point on, I can face the rest of this world. That's probably why, in general, I am not really a stressed out person.
I know that, no matter what people's opinions of me, I am loved by the Creator of the world. That's definitely a mind-boggling relief.
I am thankful for the people he's placed in my life here at my official earthly home because through them, I see Him. Their love, to me, represents God's love, because I know that they love because He loves. Home reminds me of that.

So far, this summer has involved getting to know and love my nephew, catching up with cousins, seeing old friends who I grew up with, trying new things, sticking to old things and getting some work done.

I just love my nephew a lot. Everything about him. How is it possible to have so much love inside of me for this little human being who can't talk and who I barely know? I don't know how, but it's happened. Needless to say, that little one has my heart.
I've come to understand what God wants of me in certain areas of my life but only in glimpses. I sort of know what He wants, but I don't know when or how that's going to happen. Or maybe (probably) I don't actually understand, and I just think I do.
...And people think the Christian life is boring. Ha.

In other news, I sort of threw the majority of my reading list out the window and developed a whole new one.
Didn't read the Great Gatsby before I saw the movie, but may in fact read it anyway.
The movie reminded me of why I loved the book in the first place... depth, beautiful language, depiction of historical pains.
I picked up "To Kill a Mockingbird" off of my shelf tonight. It's been there for years, and I still have yet to read it. I'm sort of glad I didn't read it when I was young because I believe that now I can really appreciate it. So I begin that, along with two books that I have to read for RA for next year.
"Gospel Centered Discipleship" by Jonathan K. Dodson and
"Lady in Waiting" by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones.
I started Dodson's book and so far so good. We'll see.
I'm really excited to start on "Lady in Waiting," especially since I started my new blog, Embrace the Single. I'm praying that it gives me more to think about and to contribute.
I am, however, still reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray," but it's sort of turned into my "when I'm stuck somewhere, bored and just need to read" book since it's on my iPod.
Sometimes you just need one of those books.

I'm finally getting to watch some movies that I've been wanting to watch but haven't had time for during the semester, one of which was "One Day," a 2011 picture starring Anne Hathway and Jim Sturgess. This movie genuinely took my breath away (of course, not including inappropriate scenes and so on) .. it was creative, made my heart happy and sad all at the same time and attached me to the characters. Definitely a worth while film.

I painted on Wednesday and realized how completely unrealistic my mind is- or so depicts my art. Disorganized, colorful, flowery and... swirly. Those are the contents of my brain.
Confusing. Unfocused. Passionate. Hopelessly romantic.
I don't even understand my mind.
Does everyone think in different shapes? If that's the case, I'm pretty sure the shape I think in is swirls. Is that a shape?
This reminds me of a quote from a song by the Vespers:

"People come in circles and squares
Some are hearts but they're quite rare."
-Eyes Wide Open

I love that quote. It's such a truth of life. It's like the hearts in life are the kindred spirits.
That's how I paint.. with that in mind. That there are hearts out there somewhere, despite their rarity.
I don't paint well, but somehow there is still a method to the madness.

On a different note, despite every single place I've applied to either telling me they won't hire for the summer or not getting back to me at all (even though I harrass them frequently), God has still provided me a method of work this week (and exercise).
House cleaning. Nothing crazy, but something.
And a something that helps me build my muscle index as well.
I can't complain.
Honestly, cleaning is extremely relaxing for me (unless it's my own room.. then it makes me want to procrastinate). It was enjoyable for me in general, and it was exciting that I was doing something and working hard. I've loved the opportunities of relaxation, but I really do love to work and earn.

 In my time in the Word, I have been reading Judges and I just love everything about the book (even though I have been struggling to read it daily, especially with its heavy topics). The repetitiveness of Israel's sin can sort of be disheartening at times, reminding me of my perpetual disobedience to God as a human being, but at the same time, it reminds me of God's mercy and constant forgiveness of the people of Israel.
From the book of Judges, I learn who I want to be like, who I don't want to be like, how I want to live my life and how I don't want to live my life.
I see more about the character of my God, what He expects of those who follow Him and how He interacts. Most importantly, I see my need for Him.
The Bible has a trivial way of somehow relaying that same message, despite the actual topic.

I start my internship on Wednesday, and it would probably be an understatement to say that I'm terrified. Terrified to mess up, terrified to forget what I've learned, terrified to let people down, terrified to not display Jesus to people. In addition, I'm terrified to get lost. Really though, I am the most directionally dysfunctional human being (probably on this planet), and I can't get lost. I really need to figure out where this place is...

So that's what's been happening.
Summer. Life. Love. Bliss. Home.

The Room

As I sit in my bedroom at home, its history haunts me, reminding me of who I've been and how God has changed me. I remember when I moved into this room-- eight years old and completely unaware of the utterly different, yet curiously similar girl that would sleep in the room thirteen years later.
The pictures on the wall have hung there for about nine years, some for longer and some shorter.
On the wall to the left of my closet hangs the wolf poster I designed in 6th grade (that was the class project that sparked my love for the crazy beasts) and a variety of other wolf pictures. To some, it may be an odd fascination, but I love wolves, nonetheless. Another glimpse of the nerdy-self.

The figures on my dresser have collected there over the years, my 1st grade softball trophy being the oldest member of the collection. On one side of my mirror hangs my kindergarten graduation tassel, and on the other side hangs my high school graduation cap.
The miniature piano music box given to me by my piano teacher of eight years sits on the dresser as well, and I remember the many frustrating, yet absolutely incredible years of piano lessons. I think of how my piano teacher didn't just teach me how to play an instrument but how to live a song. She always reminded me of why I should play and Who I should play for, and I haven't forgotten.

Each poster and picture on the wall has a memory and a background. In high school, I hung the 1 Peter 3:3-4 poster above my mirror to daily remind myself of the beauty that lasts in life. Pictures of my family all around my room, because I am blessed by them. Pictures of childhood friends scattered here and there, whether I'm still friends with those folks or not. Why I do keep the pictures? To remind me that friends come and go, but the LORD remains. Posters of childhood fandom and adulthood realizations, Bible verses that have especially made a difference in crucial points in my life and things with memories. I hung John 14:27 at the end of my bed during the times of consecutive nightmares, and it reminds me every night of the peace in Jesus Christ.

The bookshelf that holds many of my favorite classics and even more of my unread, literature goals. I haven't conquered the whole mini-library yet, but someday it will happen (although the books constantly seem to multiply). Books from my childhood sit up there-- the ones that sparked my love for story-telling.

The memory chest is a newer addition to my room, but one of my favorite parts of it. When we found it in the attic, I knew it would be in my life for a while. No matter how unexciting or unenchanting it's outward appearance may be, it's inward contents are priceless. Old journals, even older pictures, little artifacts that remind me of the people that have come and gone through my life, glimpses of myself from the past and dreams for myself in the future. Few secrets, but many stories.

Such a little room, yet so much history of my small life.

This summer, I plan to move to my sister's old room.
Maybe it's for the extra space. Maybe it's for the change. Maybe it's for both.
Maybe it's to remind myself that a room with a past does not define me.
It will be hard to say goodbye to this room, but it will always be my room.
No one knows it like I do.

It's time to move on.

Summer Goals

I have a lot of goals this summer. 
Most of them involve continuing things I've always liked to do but don't have a lot of time to do at school (such as reading as many books as possible, playing the piano, exercising, etc.), but some involve things I haven't really had the chance to try (painting, getting into running, writing a book, interviewing people for my new single's blog).

And then there's the appendages to those goals. 
For example, with my piano playing, I don't want to just play piano, but I also want to really dig into music theory (dangerous, but possible) and learn how to play better by ear (I'm a hardcore sight reader).
Or, with reading, I don't want to just read, I want to analyze, soak in, and emerge myself.
With exercising... well, I want to actually exercise and not say that I will exercise.
With painting, I want to paint something I'm proud of and not give up after a bad painting.
With running, I want to be able to 5 miles like it's nothing (that may seem like nothing for you athletes out there, but for this girl, that's a pretty lofty goal).
With writing a book, I want to finish it. It doesn't have to be incredible, it just has to have an ending, unlike everything remotely book-like that I've begun. By "finish it," I mean at least know where it will go, whether it's actually finished by the end of the summer or not (I definitely doubt it will be done by then).
With the "Embrace the Single" blog, I really want to make the most of it and use it to minister to people. I want it to be a testimony of all of the single Christians that I can get in contact with who are willing to share a piece of themselves so that others may be encouraged. I don't exactly know where it will go, but I pray it will go somewhere useful.

In addition, I will be working as a Production Intern this summer at a local radio station.
I am so ridiculously excited, and I have already set some goals for myself in that internship.

1. Do the best that I know how to do so that be a good steward of the gifts God has provided me with.
2. Attempt to remember everything that I learned during my Radio Practicums..
3. Make friends in my area!
4. Share Jesus & show people God's love
5. Gain lots of experience and hopefully score a job through this internship! 

Other goals this summer?

• Go to local events and activities (be a part of the community)
• Spend lots of wonderful time with my family & nephew (BABY!!)
• Spend time with cousins!
• Be involved in my church.
• Dig into books of the Bible and meditate on them.
• Find a job.
• Spend time with my grandmothers <3
• Try to go play piano for those at the Assisted Living home in the town next door (I miss them!)
• Get rid of things I don't need.
• Make new friends =)
• Find people to minister to
• Try to cook more? (....we'll see...)
• Make the most of every moment!

I can't wait to see what the LORD does these next couple of months!

Fried Brain Tomatoes

It's been an intense year, but my classes have finally come to a close.
And by finally, I mean, "Wow, that one year of classes felt like about forty years in the wilderness."
No really. I read Exodus for half of this semester, and it all started to make sense.
(Please realize that this is all exaggeration.. it really was not that bad...)

I think back to last semester when I thought News Writing was a lot of work and then I laugh as I think about Investigative Reporting this semester. But it's over. And I nailed the class, so I'm ok.
I can tell you right now that I have never been more satisfied with or proud of an A in my entire life.

...I literally just stopped thinking for a few minutes. Just now. That's how exhausted my mind is. I'm not even sure how words are coming out of my mouth right now.. or out of my fingers. I don't even know right now.

Even beyond school, this has been one of those physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually taxing years of my life. I haven't really even had time to process it all.
When I do though.. oh be ready. It will be written about.
I've already begun the documenting process of life as an RA. So far all I have is how I first got pulled up to RA while in Lebanon (those of you who have followed my blog got to be a part of all of that craziness).
I'm not sure where to begin, but I suppose that's my project for the 13 hour drive home on Sunday.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it when it's done.
Probably just keep it in the chest in my room with all of the rest of my million journals. And maybe I'll reference it when I need to know how to deal with interesting people or really bizarre situations that involve people in bathrobes.
That's another story for another time.

This year. My mind is just mush from it all.
I'm convinced that everyone and anyone who has met me within the last month of school thinks I'm an air-headed, mindless individual.
Sorry, folks. If only I could somehow explain to you how completely fried my being is, then I would.
Actually, let me try.
My being is so fried that walking to the bathroom takes mental motivation.
My being is so fried that I forget to chew my food and simply swallow (no, this is not a joke).
My being is so fried that I forgot my last name the other day.
My being is so fried that I become even more awkward that I already am.
My being is so fried that the South's chicken dishes would be put to shame.
My being is so fried that I could pass for dead. But I'm not dead, so that's good.

I long for the day when I can think abstractly again. I see that day soon, but it hides beneath a canopy shaped like New England. And once I am rejuvenated in all that is Northern, I will be able to face another year in the South with strength and swift movement.

I'm just going to stop typing...

Harbingers that bring on playlists and summer reading

Ah. Packing in May. The real harbinger of summer. The suitcase comes out and the summer music comes on. I may even wear sunglasses indoors for such an occasion.

Today, as I began the packing spree with 9 days left until I head home for the summer, reality actually set in. For a while there, I felt like I would be here forever and even then, it's always hard to imagine being anywhere other than where I am at that moment.

So anyway, as I packed, I thought to myself, "Self, you should make a Summer 2013 playlist."
And then I responded to myself and said, "Self, I think that is a brilliant idea."
I'm feeling the folk/indy/alternative scene this summer, with some other favorites thrown in there.
...I'm not a hipster-- I promise. They just have really good taste in music.

I have yet to come up with the full playlist, but here's what I have in mind so far: 

1. "Flower Flower" The Vespers

 

2. "Ho Hey" The Lumineers
3. "Safe and Sound" The Capitals
4.  "Gold on the Ceiling" The Black Keys
5.  "Hello" The True Star
6. "On Top of the World" Imagine Dragons
7. "Jump Into the Fog" The Wombats
8. "Don't Wait for Me" Josh Garrels
9. "Between the Raindrops" Lifehouse & Natasha Bedingfield
10. "Home" Phillip Phillips
11. "Oceans" Hillsong United
12. "Better Now" The Vespers
13. "Charlie Brown" Coldplay
14. "After All (Holy)" David Crowder Band
15."Stars" Grace Potter

So that's all I've got for now, but I'm sure this playlist will grow extensively as the summer goes on. If you have any ideas, feel free to contribute. Or if you have any fantastic ideas for playlist names, list away.

So, then this morning I thought to myself, "Self, you should come up with a summer reading list."
And I responded to myself, "Self, that is such a brilliant idea."
So here's what I have so far (click the titles of the book to see a brief synopsis)...

1. Fatherless by: James Dobson

2. Blue Like Jazz by: Donald Miller
3. Great Expectations by: Charles Dickens
(I find it atrocious that I have not yet read this classic Dickens book, but I figure it's better now than never. I just found bought an antique copy for $3 the other day! Also, I need some more Dickens in my life).
4. The Great Gatsby (I want to reread it before I see the movie!)
5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by: Oscar Wilde (I'm currently about half-way through, but I never got the chance to finish it during school).
6. The Count of Monte Cristo by: Alexandre Dumas
7. At least two of the Agatha Christie collection of books I have on my bookshelf in my room. I have yet to read one entire book by her.

...Ok honestly, I'm looking through books online that I want to read, and there are just too many wonderfully written books in the world. And of course some not so wonderfully written.
Either way, there is no way I am reading all of them this summer.
So for now, this list will do.

Do you think I can read them all despite my snail's pace reading habits?