Focus Failures

So, this semester has been significantly awesome, but it also has been a semester of inability to focus. I literally am having the hardest time staying focused on school work. I don't know what it is.

It's not senioritus.. and if it is, that's a problem, since I'm a sophomore.
For the most part I like my classes, except for Philosophy which makes me want to curse the day Thales was born.

 <-- Thales

Just kidding, I am sure he was a nice man, and I am sure that it is necessary to question "whether or not God can create a four-sided triangle." (Note the hint of sarcasm).

I guess every now and then I hit a point of "What am I going to do with my life?" which leads to panic, and we all know that panic usually is pretty distracting. Thankfully, I'm not too panicked at the moment, but mostly curious. However, my left knee has recently been often twitching uncontrollably, which I have been told means I am stressed. Uh oh. It's twitching right now.

So anyway- this entire blog post is living proof of my current inability to focus.

To be quite honest, there really has been a lot on my mind- a pretty extensive variety of thoughts, too. Maybe the more diverse one's thoughts are, the less they can focus. You know, like if you switch up the genre of music you listen to in one sitting, you just get really confused. Or maybe that's just me.

So, what's been on my mind?

Well, let me show you recent thought patterns:

Hopefully this clears things up.


Thankfully-- no matter how much I attempt to plan my life, I will fail, because ultimately I am not in control of my life. God is. *sigh of relief*

Undertones of Beauty

There's something so absolutely comforting and beautiful about the rain lightly falling on the roof, the thunder occasionally breaking up the lull. I just love rain so much.
What beauty it symbolizes.

The calm that lives beneath the surface of a storm melts my heart.

"Never once did I ever walk alone. Never once did you leave me on my own.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful."
                 -Matt Redman

God's faithfulness. At this point, I'm not even sure what to say about it.
Really all that comes to mind is that, just like the above quote, I have never walked alone in my life. Not once. I have never experienced true loneliness, because Jesus Christ has always been right there with me, even in the deepest pits of life.

Just like the rain, life often seems so dreary and dark, but the beautiful undertones of God's love and presence is overwhelming. His glory is overwhelming. HE is overwhelming.

So the next time you see the rain, think of the beauty it creates. The growth that occurs. The blessings of God's love that come as a result of seemingly dark times.

One big tangent

While snow and I would not label ourselves as friends, we can find things to agree upon sometimes. Like snow days. Snow wants to have a day, and I agree. It should have a day; it should have one quite frequently, in fact. So, in honor of snow and its wishes, my school had its first snow day of the year today.

So how did I spend this fantastic day that we should have had off in the first place (apparently my school doesn't care about the presidents' accomplishments in our nation)?

I ate a hearty steak with delicious potatoes wedges on the side. I then took part in a smashing Broadway performance, enchanting the entire crowd.
Actually that didn't happen. I ate leftovers from a diner and then I listened to showtunes while finishing not-so-enchanting homework.
Such is my life- which is why I watch shows like "Once Upon a Time."

I've realized something though. My life is not movie-worthy, but it is meaningful. It's amazing how much purpose one has when they have God. I think I often forget how much meaning I truly have in Him.
Every single little seemingly meaningless activity I involve myself in is necessary and useful, because it is all done to God's glory. Whether I eat or drink, it's ALL to God's glory.
If I do a homework assignment halfheartedly, why do it at all? God does not take pleasure in the homework assignment; He takes pleasure in my attitude and behaviors surrounding the assignment.

It is my goal to do everything with diligence, humility, dignity, cheerfulness and perseverance.
Anything I do will be successful (in terms of how I live out my life in relation to God's will) if I apply these factors, and joy will inevitably come.

So I guess my point is, I'm thankful for the life God has given me- the little details that make my life a blessing. The deep, beautiful talks with my friends and family. The interesting lessons I learn in class that may impact my future. The people I come in contact with on day to day basis. The flowers outside. A warm breeze. A smile from a stranger. A chocolate-dipped strawberry. A hug. Colorful pens and elegant stationery. The smell of rain on a summer day.
Even occasionally the snow (when it gives us snow days).

I'm thankful for it all.

And that was one big tangent... but this is my blog so I can do what I want. (I'm thankful for that too).
(Also.. I just missed writing. So that's what happened).

"You are faithful, God."

This semester is incomparably surpassing last semester. While looking out from normal-people-lenses, one would see my last semester to have been messy, depressing, crazy and lonely.
From Jesus-knows-all-lenses, one can see that while that semester was all of those things, they have framed this semester, so far, to probably be the best semester of my life.

Last semester's lessons on loneliness formed this semester's need for alone time with God.
Last semester's pains with people created this semester's growth of friendships.
Last semester's stresses over schoolwork generated this semester's patterns of taking one assignment at a time patiently and calmly.
Last semester's intense homesickness produced this semester's extreme appreciation for my family.
Last semester's struggle with romantic relationships (or lack there of) molded this semester's intense love for the gift of singleness. (This most definitely has not be a curse, but one of the biggest blessings of my current stage in life- please see..well.. the majority of my blog posts within the last month).
Last semester's discouragements of leadership provided this semester's better understanding of the people God has put in my life and how to minister to them.

So really, in a nutshell, my seemingly negative experiences from last semester allowed this semester to bloom into one beautiful rose.

The semester isn't over yet though.. so that's not to say that God will put more adversities in my path, but because of the past adversities' overall positive effects in my life (specifically having to do with my relationship with God), I say, bring it on!

(I hope I'm not speaking too soon....)

Laughter is Good Medicine

One of my favorite things ever? Having the giggles.
There is something absolutely wonderful about laughing till you cry.
Or till you feel nauseous. Or till you "feel full." (haha an explanation will be given later in this post).
Why is that? I suppose that's one of the unsolved mysteries of life..

Well, within the past two weeks, I have had many of these hearty, genuine laughing moments with a variety of friends. I feel as though this is worth blogging about.
Well, first, let me warm you up with this video...




All right.. now that we've set the tone, I think I'm good to go with my stories.

Saturday, January 28th with Sarah.
Picture this: two slightly lonely single girls who love Jesus and want to hang out for the night after a stressful week. Keep in mind these ladies are not only single and love Jesus, but also are extremely quirky, pretty awkward and love each other like sisters. Now give them Chinese food. Continue warming them up to the Saturday night by giving them a few hours to shop and a cup full of frozen yogurt.
Now that these two ladies have had delicious food, cute clothing, plenty of good talks and on top of all of that, SUGAR, unleash them in Walmart. [[By now I'm sure an image has formed in your head.. I hope not one too dramatically terrifying.. but you're probably on the right track.]]
What do you get when this happens? A lot of laughing and a ton of strange dancing.
Now zoom in, if you will, into the toy aisle. Yes, you are correct. You will find us there. With hulahoops. Wearing superhero costumes. Hiding from creepy baby dolls.
You may now zoom back out. If you're really zoomed out, you will see little people that resemble gummy bears. If this happens, zoom in a little bit more. Now that you can see properly, you will find two 20-year-olds hugging giant bears (that match their skin color, might I add). Now one of them (one of the girls, not the teddy bears) are climbing on display couches on top of shelves.
Now within all these scenes, throw in some clips of us pressing every single singing item's "play" button and dancing to them: dancing stuffed animals, CD samplers- you name it.
To finish off the night , while driving back to the dorm, these two girls drive around campus screaming "WHO DA MAN!? Je-sussss!" at fellow colleagues.

Yes. This happened to be one great night.

Gym dates with Ashley & Rachel
While this doesn't have quite as detailed of a story- I can really just sum it up with this:
What do you get when you have a theater major, a politics major, and a communications major? Legitimately the best conversations EVER.. leading to much stomach aching (from laughter) and tear shedding (also from laughter).

Chic-fil-A with Carla, Andrew, Heather and Max
This one also lacks a legitimate story, except for the fact that our conversations are hilarious. I don't know about everybody else I was with, but for me, when you place a delicious chicken sandwich, waffle fries and lemonade into the hands of a hungry, angry student (I can't believe the Patriots lost the Superbowl...), you get one crazy senorita.
Conversation topics?
Imaginary friends.
Play rooms in fast food restaurants.
Adventures in Odyssey.
Creepers during swing dancing.
Swing dancing the wrong way.
"Your face is doing it wrong. Your mom did it wrong."
Getting full from laughing so hard.
Not understanding how this is possible.
Finding out that it's not fullness from laughter, but quite possibly nausea from laughter.
Still not sure why that is.
I'm not really sure what was laughed about.. but there were tears of laughter involved.


Thank you, Jesus, for laughter! So good for the soul.

Wednesdays and Poetry

This Wednesday will go down in history. "Why?" you may ask.
Today was the first Wednesday of the semester that I was not:
1. Completely stressed out
2. Ridiculously hungry
3. Way overloaded

Philosophy class was not horrible. My practicum wasn't that stressful (I'm getting the hang of this stuff). My crazy design class was really not that bad. I got out about a half an hour early allowing me to eat a little snack to hold me over until dinner (I normally never get to eat all day until dinner). Prayer leader class was fantastic. Hearing God's Word is always good, and sitting with friends during it is even better. Dinner with my previous roommates always makes my day. There is not much else to add to that except that these girls literally light up my life. I have learned so much from them the past year and a half, and I continue to learn from they each day. Campus church was awesome.

God is so faithful- and not just because I had a good day. He truly blesses me with refreshing moments just when I need them. God strategically places people in my life at exactly the right moments to remind me of Him and His glory. Daily I am reminded that Jesus Christ is why I live, and to let the troubles of this world bog me down is to ignore the beauty in Him. The weather has been beautiful, bringing out the sound of spring (yeah, in February), with the birds chirping melodiously and the leaves softly blowing in the wind.
I don't how I can possibly overlook God's power and beauty so quickly when I am surrounded with complete and utter majesty.

Tonight I found a journal of poems I wrote from the age of 13 to 16. I absolutely loved to write poetry, especially in that specific season of my life. Oh, adolescence. Some of the poems were absolutely ridiculous (and hilarious), while others brought back crazy memories of intense emotions and heart-felt cries to God. Being a teenaged girl comes with so many dreams, wishes, and insecurities. For a 13-year-old girl, the main quest is to love and be loved. Oh, how I much I learned about love. While I still have a ways to go, I'm thankful for where I am now in that search for love. In fact, it's not really much of a search anymore. Jesus Christ IS my love. He always will be.


Anyway, I'm going to share a few of these poems with you, so enjoy :].

Soften this Heart (10/25/05)

Lord, You hold time right in Your hand,
The future is Yours, You've got it all planned.
No need for the worries I hold in my head,
You helped Your people when Egypt they fled.

I count it all joy to live for You, 
but I find myself worrying about how I'll get through.
Trials come often, along with sorrow and pain,
Lord, this heart will You soften, my hope please sustain.

A blanket of mercy You never fail to bring,
Your praises I'll forever sing.

Road Map to You

I could be lonely,
but You are always by my side,
I could be hurting,
You just held me as I cried;
I might have been looking,
I was fervently searching
And You've given me the road map to You,
and You told me:

[Chorus]
"It only takes a little faith,
A lot of mercy, a lot of grace.
No other roads to take,
Just the road of grace,
So throw away all the works;
They won't, they can't
Do you any good."

I could choose the wide path,
but the narrow is my choice.
I could have followed worldly pleasures,
but then I heard Your voice-
Soft and sweet, You called me,
Drew me to see the truth,
and You've given me the Road Map to You.

Known (09/06/08)

How can I miss someone I don't even know?
Who can I trust? Where can I go?
Filled with these questions, my mind spins about,
"What are the answers!" is the cry that I shout.

Why am I like this and how can I change?
When I've finally been loved, the feeling is strange.
As I sit in my corner, confused and awe-struck,
I come to realize that this gift's not just luck.

You see me, You love me, You know me by name.
Through all of my failures, I'm Yours just the same.
Fallen to my knees, I'm blinded by Your grace,
When will I finally finish this race?

Your hands lead me through,
Your wings keep me warm,
Through all of life's trials
I'm carried through the storm.

I will fail people, and they will fail me,
but You, Oh Lord, are why I'm finally FREE.