Princess Heather and the Swinging Suitor

Last night, my best friend Heather couldn't sleep, so I decided to tell her a bedtime story via Facebook chat.
Below is the result. Enjoy!

"Princess Heather and the Swinging Suitor."

Once upon a time (cause every story has to start with that if it's going to end well) there was a beautiful princess named Heather.

Now Heather liked lots of things like flowers and pumpkin munchkins and anything that did not contain dairy products.

She loved music and dancing, and when she was alone she loved PR.

So one day, Heather decided to gather up all of her favorite things and make a song about it.

She decided it would also be useful to sing the song to a multitude of children during a thunderstorm.. and then eventually use the drapes to make them clothing. ("Sound of Music" reference).

While this seemed illogical, Heather decided it was worth the joy that she would bring these children.. and maybe it would bring her a wonderful prince, because everyone knows that princesses all eventually marry a prince... they don't marry anyone less noble. Unless it was Hugh Jackman. Who is a Duke. ("Kate and Leopold" reference).

So anyway, off Heather went, drape-clothed children, favorite things and all...

into the woods they roamed. Dancing and singing and playing with gnomes, until a giant possum emerged from the depths of the darkness.

 The giant possum made its way towards Princess Heather and the children as they stood frozen in their tracks, frightened and confused.

"Why is there a giant possum in the woods!" yelled one child. 

"And why is it dark? It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon!" yelled another.

 "Hush children," said the princess. "The louder you are the more likely the possum will eat you. Also, it's always dark in the forest." ("Anne of Green Gables" reference)

The children all held each others mouths shut since we all know children can't be quiet ever.

So... the possum approached... it's long, fanciful fangs dripping blood and it's eyes seeking satisfaction (for the possum was hungry and trees and bark just aren't satisfying).

Just when the children thought that they would be the solution to this possum's discontentment, Princess Heather saw a light. It was the light bulb above her head. 

She had a plan.

"I shall do my bird call and it shall emerge the birds into the woods!" "You have a bird call?" asked one of the lads. "Not yet," she replied, "But Snow White does this all the time. I know it will work."

"Question," said one of the frightened girls. 

"Why aren't the birds already in the woods? Why do they have to emerge?"

"Stop asking questions," Princess Heather replied, very irritated at the children's ignorance. "You're all nonsensical. I made you clothing out of drapes-- don't you trust me!"

This silenced the children, for she was right. She had never let them down before, and if Princess Heather wanted to emerge the birds, she would emerge them, especially since Snow White was her support in this matter.

The bird call she made was like none other... almost like a shrieking of sorts.

No movement.

"Why didn't it work!?" yelled little Alfred. "Hush. No nonsense," she replied.

And again she shrieked.. er, I mean called.

What happened next was not exactly what Heather expected.

Though birds did not emerge, something else did. Thump, thump, thump. 

Heather couldn't believe her eyes.

Not one, but two bears plopped themselves merrily towards the possum.

"We're saved!!!" yelled the children.

The two bears took quite a while to destroy the possum, not because they were incapable, but only because they could not agree on which would get the head and which would get the bottom.

Once a compromise was finally reached, the bears soon devoured the possum leaving only its tale, because no one likes cartilage.

"HOORAY!" yelled the children. But Heather stood speechless.

She knew there was more to this situation than met the eye. Actually, it was quite evident to the eye, but at this moment everyone was blinded by the fact that the two larger bears just devoured their smaller enemy.

"Stop! There's a bigger problem here, children! Grab your drapes... these bears are still hungry."

This comment caused all of the children to shriek... bringing more bears. Goldilocks was relieved.

So, everyone was surrounded.

There was no hope.

But what's this? A gentleman swinging from trees? This confused Princess Heather, because normally gentlemen don't swing from trees, especially when they're wearing suit coats with tales.

The bears recklessly strained their necks to see what all the commotion was about above them, causing some of their heads to snap off of their bodies.

This resolved some of the bear-problem, but yet some of the smarter bears simply tilted their heads carefully and remained alive.

The gentleman swung and he swung.. and yet he swung more until he reached a high branch, unreachable to the ferocious beasts.

There were only four bears left at this point, leaving the suited man with a few more options than before.

Princess Heather knew she had to do something to divert the attention from the man, so... she did the first thing that came to her mind.

She danced.

She danced and she danced, the draperies swinging about merrily.

Then something magical happened:

Not only did the children begin to dance, but so did the bears.

Not only did the bears begin to dance, but so did the possum (and the possum was dead, so this was magical indeed).

Not only did the possum begin to dance, but so did the birds (who had refused to come because they don't respond to shrieking).

Not only did the birds begin to dance, but so did the trees and the rivers and the ants and even some of the skunks (who like to frighten women who stick their heads in their cages). (Youtube video, "Killer Karaoke" reference).

Princess Heather paused a moment in her dancing endeavors and watched the motions of the forest.

The entire forest had erupted into dance. Bears dancing with children and children dancing with skunks. The Creator would be pleased to see his creation as He intended it.

The gentleman looked from above, his suit coat swaying in the breeze, the sweat dripping from his dark brow and his eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

"This woman. She is ravishing."

As he peered from the trees, admiring her beauty and elegant dance, he decided he would marry her if it was the last thing he did.

But first, he must not miss out on this dance, because no gentleman misses a ball.

Arms spread majestically, he dove into the dancing forest and landed into a pile of leaves doing a jig as well.

It tickled a bit so he was forced to giggle but then he composed himself, because we all know that gentlemen don't giggle.

(except for Andrew)

The man quickly brought himself to his feet and pushed through the dancing crowd of forest friend, struggling to find the dancing queen, young and sweet only 17. But he was mistaken because she was 20.

Finally he reached her.. the woman of his dreams.. her light brown hair blowing in the wind and her big blue eyes sparkling with relief. "Miss! May I have this dance!"

She was astonished. She couldn't believe her ears. Who was this suited stranger who had come to rescue her? Why was he now seeking a dance? She shrugged. "Oh well," she thought, "He's charming and handsome, and I'm young, beautiful and can make clothing quite creatively."

So they danced.

And danced.

The bears still dancing, the children still dancing, the skunk still dancing... the forest dancing.

But all of this seemed to be nonexistent as the two shared their dance. All they saw was the trees, hanging like a canopy above their heads.

Amidst the dance, however, Princess Heather, the PR in her arising, remembered that once the dancing ended, so would their lives (for the bears were still hungry and their appetite would only increase due to intense dance).

"Stop," she whispered to the man. "We must take the children and leave. I am hungry, and if I am hungry the bears are hungry and if the bears are hungry we will no longer be hungry because we will no longer be."

The man was slightly lost, but decided that Heather was too beautiful to argue with. So he grabbed her hand along with all of the children's hands (I'm not sure how managed to hold all of their hands at once, but gentlemen find ways) and they sneaked out of the dancing gang, past the bears, through the woods and up to a mountain.

"Let's get married!" he shouted victoriously. "OK!" she yelled, staring into his dark, melancholy eyes.

"Wait! But what about the children?!"

She stopped abruptly.

"The children? Well they have drapes, isn't that enough?"

She was offended by this comment and he knew it, so he quickly came up with a solution.

"Let's send them to a convent and they can all become nuns!"

"But the majority of them are boys," she said logically.

"They can become monks then!"

This seemed reasonable to Princess Heather.

So off they sent the children, each to their convent and monastery.

And the gentleman, whose name is unknown to the public, and Princess Heather lived happily ever after as they skipped through the mountains singing joyous melodies about climbing mountains and yodeling peddlers.

The End.