He knows me, He loves me, He never leaves me

Today, I applied for my first big-girl job. That's not to say that I'm going to get it, but it was a monumental moment in my life nonetheless. Why am I applying in September when I don't graduate until May? That's a good question... I'm not exactly sure. There was a job opening, so I figured, "Hey! Have to start sometime! I'm young and restless! YOLO," which was my literal thought process, minus the YOLO part.

Last week, I had a pre-life crisis, and this week I've had a burst of hope. While I thought about all of my friends moving on to serious romantic relationships and forgetting that I exist while I am forced to figure out what to do with my life, I started to panic just a little bit.
Just picture me saying, "I'm going to be all alone because all my friends are going to be gone and married & I'm going to be stuck in a job I hate far away from home in a land I don't understand or care about," a thousand times fast and in sweeping, anxious breaths.
Just kidding, but really. If we had to discuss being over-dramatic, last week would be a good example. So anyway, after I panicked over the imaginary harbinger to my future loneliness, I decided I should probably take it the LORD. And I was right.
I don't think I've ever been that honest with God before.

Something I realized last week- I FAIL at being open and honest with God. I often talk to Him like I'm fine and He doesn't need to hear about my problems, but that is quite the ridiculous notion (for more information on God's caring and loving nature being displayed to me, please see my last blog post). Thankfully, last weekend was filled with much open and honest communication with God, and while I struggled many times to fully express my feelings to the LORD, I know He heard me and I know He understood. How refreshing it is to have a Friend who understands me better than I understand myself. What a wonderful, mighty God I serve.

After having many wrestling conversations with the LORD, He provided me with a peace beyond explanation. Philippians 4 doesn't exaggerate when it calls God's peace one that "passes all understanding." I don't really know what I even felt at peace about exactly. Maybe just my life as a whole? Either way, Jesus provided me with a peace and assurance that He never leaves me alone. Verse after verse and lesson after lesson kept coming up in my life that declared that the LORD knows me, loves me and cares about me deeply.
One passage that I came across during the wrestling period was Psalm 139. The section typically focused on in that passage is verses 13-15, which is beautiful patch of verses, but they're actually not the verses that hit me last weekend. These are the verses which shattered me to pieces and left me in awe of my Savior:

Psalm 139:1-10
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.

I love these verses. I love them. I especially love the last three verses. No matter where I go or what happens in my life, God is THERE. Verses 9 and 10 give me chills.

No matter where I am, my Father's hand will lead me and hold me.

That means that I will have both His guidance AND His protection. 

My heart absolutely MELTED as I read those verses. As I struggled to understand what God was doing in my life, I realized that the "what" didn't matter. All that matters is the "Who." 

Whatever it is He does with my life, HE IS THERE. He is with me. What does it matter what I do as long as I have my God on my side and fighting for me?

This explains the burst of hope that happened this week. Despite the extreme busy-ness of this week, I know that the LORD is in control. No matter what job I apply for or get, who cares? 

The LORD is with me wherever I go, and I am never alone. 

I am never abandoned by Him. 

I am never forgotten.

Freedom in the Wanderings

"Wherever you are, be all there."
-Jim Elliot

The imagination can be a beautiful entertainer, but it also can be a destroyer of reality if not controlled. How often I find myself wishing away the present, dreaming my life away into some sort of "future alternate reality." How often I miss opportunities right now. How often I do not even realize how much I am currently being blessed. The adventures I'm on this very moment.

How much I'm learning.

What the LORD is teaching me.
Who He's making me.

How He's molding me.

Where He's taking me.

The past few weeks, I've been having a mini-meltdown over what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Ok, let's just be real- it's been more than a few weeks. If I had a penny for every time someone asked me my plans after graduation next year, I would be a lot richer than I currently am (and in a lot less school debt). 

Graduate school? I don't know.

What job? Good question.
Where will I live? If I was a prophet, you would know.

In all seriousness, it has been absolutely discouraging to hear all of these questions asked of me and to never have the answers to respond. Hours have been poured into researching grad school requirements, possible jobs in the New England area, possible jobs not in the New England area and just ideas of what I want to do in general. 

I'm stuck in between multiple passions and dreams. On one hand, I love my major and still want to do something media related. On the other, I'm dying to teach and work with children. And then there are a myriad of other passions thrown in there- working with orphans, ministering to the persecuted church in some way, writing books, working with my local home church and helping in ministry there, mentoring younger girls, ministering to my family right now, the arts and the way they point to Jesus, someday having a family and raising children... the list goes on.

And on and on.

And so I dwell on such things. And I harp. And then I get frustrated because I don't know. 

I have no answers. I don't know which of my dreams, if any, will happen how I want them to, and I don't know if they're supposed to. And then I'm frustrated because I want them all to happen. At once. And then I get mad and complain to God about how unhappy I am that none of it is happening yet. And then He reminds me of the truth I have once again forgotten....

This is my life. I am here, and I need to be all here. 

Every person I encounter. 

Every small way I serve Jesus. 

This is my mission field.

This is who I am right now, and I need to be it. All of it. Right now.

This week, as I mulled over everything that wasn't coming through in my life and how lost I am going to be next year, God sort of punched me in the face (which was much needed, so thanks for that, Jesus). My parents somehow volunteered me to help them with organizing games for a Vacation Bible School for a small Spanish church in a neighboring area, which I was sort of nervous about. Well, let me tell you, despite my selfish heart and constant failures, God has used this experience in my life to lift Himself higher in my life once again. This week has been the highlight of my summer, and that says a lot since this has been a fantastic summer. The LORD completely refreshed me through my involvement with these children, many of whom come from broken homes and have never even heard the name of Jesus.
My heart has been completely theirs this week, and my eyes have been opened to the mission field that is the next city over from my church's. A city which many people hold a negative feeling toward and will not even drive through. How foolish we are to think that they need Jesus any less. The children have been soaking up the gospel. They have heard it and have been shown the love of Jesus, and that's what matters.

Such opportunity in my freedom and "wandering," right now. I can just drop everything (because quite frankly, there isn't that much responsibility to drop) to minister in this way, and it's INCREDIBLE. 

I can minister to and spend time with people who, if I "had my life all together," I would not "have time" to pour into them in such a way. 

I can serve Jesus with my parents, and we are able to pour out love onto these children as a family. It's incredible how service bonds a family together.

The point is, despite my "lack of direction," I am here. And I ought to be ALL here. The LORD will do what He will, and He will use us how we are.

Grand Romance

I've been thinking about the church and the day that we will be brought to the side of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I've been thinking about how, on that day, we no longer will face the struggle of idolizing human beings because our eyes will finally be opened. This ridiculous fascination we have with flawed man will no longer exist, but rather we will be perfect and complete, face-to-face with our Savior. His glory will be all that we see, and we no longer will be blinded by darkness.

It's one giant, magnificent love story. You don't have to be a romantic to appreciate the fact that we were lost, Jesus Christ sacrificed everything because He loves the world, and though we must be separated for a time, we will one day be reunited with our True Love.

We're all part of a grand romance. 

Jesus is the hero. We are the damsels in distress.

The plot is filled with undeserving love, sacrifice, forgiveness,
loyalty, protection and life-long companionship.

All other romantic movies, books, plays, stories.. you name it..
they are all plagiarized. In fact, love itself is plagiarized. 

Jesus Christ is the original knight in shining armor. He is the first initiator of a relationship
and the only perfect relationship-participant. 

The Bible is the ideal romantic novel.
As we await the coming of our bridegroom, we must prepare ourselves, making the most of our time on earth. The wedding must not be missed, and our hearts must be ready.

A Pepto Bismol Kind of Day

Today I had my second encounter with an awkward couple as an RA (which I suppose should be expected since Valentine's Day is just around the corner... and we all know that couples' awkwardness goes up about 80% in February).

Ok, disclaimer- I DO NOT HATE COUPLES. or Valentines Day. I know it may seem like that because of my frequent anti-awkward couple posts, but honestly, it's not the holiday, it's the people who make the holiday an Awko Taco experience.

Now, those of you who know me know that I already hold a deep disdain for awkward couples. All shapes and sizes of awkward couples.. I can't handle it.
They make me want to take some Pepto Bismol.
Nausea. Heartburn. Indigestion. Upset stomach. You know it goes.

See the face that lady is making? 
That's the face I make. But amplified. 
So anyway, I had my second encounter... Maybe I should just tell the story.
I'm honestly building this up way more than I need to....

I walk into the Annex lobby (already a trap) to wait for the rest of my RA group so that we may soon enjoy a nice peaceful dinner. I sit down onto the seemingly comfy couch, when actually, much to my dismay, I am about to feel extreme discomfort.
As I sit down, I hear giggling. Already a bad sign. As I slowly turn my head to the right, my heart nervous for what I'm about to witness (especially in the Annex lobby), there I see it.
A boy sprawled out onto the lap of a girl. Oh wait, there's more? She is rubbing his head and lulling him to rest. What is this? Really now? Lulling?
The giggling intensified and so did the nauseous feeling. and heartburn. and indigestion. 
More rubbing of head. More giggling. More "Oh dear, sweety, I need to do homework, stop distracting me.. hehehehe," along with some uncomfortable arm caressing.

This picture is pretty relevant. And accurate.

And then it hits me. I am an RA. Oh yes! I can stop this madness! Actually, I'm supposed to stop this madness because it's my job! HIZZAH! #perksofbeinganRA <-- you can tell I'm a twitter person.
So, I find within me the courage to go up and talk to these people.
As you can imagine, this was difficult for me. For those of you who can't imagine...

1. Because it's awkward to confront people you don't know
2. Because I already have an awkward-couple-complex
3. These people were REALLY awkward.

Thankfully, I conquered these fears because.. well.. I didn't feel like going to dinner with a nauseous stomach (especially since I didn't have any Pepto with me). 

"Excuse me," I said. Panic in their eyes. I decided it was a good idea to make this short and sweet.
"I'm an RA," I said quickly, sort of mumbling the last word. "You probably shouldn't be lying on each other." (I even used the proper form of "lie" ... grammar win!)

Needless to say, there was an extremely awkward moment for a good few seconds, lots of shifty eyes and uncomfortable coughs. Then they dramatically (and, you guessed it, awkwardly) jumped away from each other and apologetically concluded their awkward actions.
Moral of the story? Just don't be an awkward couple. You're not only making everyone else feel extremely uncomfortable, but also yourselves. Just say no.

Only you can prevent awkward couple encounters!

Such is the story of my second awkward couple encounter as an RA.

Every engagement needs MARMALADE

So, I've blogged about awkward couples, but what about the non-awkward couples?
Don't they deserve a blog post? I say yes, yes they do.

However, this post is specifically directed towards ENGAGED couples. Oh yes. Don't think you'd get out that easily. ENGAGED. Not dating, but not married. An odd spot in life, but apparently a very popular one since 90% of my Facebook friends lie in this category.

(Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any skewed statistics; I am simply bad at math. Hence the journalism major).

So, to the 90%, the 10% have something to say. Don't worry, this is not a criticizing post-- mostly just an inquiring post. So in this case, I suppose we don't have something to say, but rather to ask....

HOW ARE THERE SO MANY OF YOU?
Really though. It seems that some sort of epidemic has taken over all social media
and the symptoms involve 

1. diamonds
2. cover photo close-ups involving such diamonds
3. and maybe a picnic basket. 

YES, the picnic basket is a symptom, and it's filled with roses and jars of marmalade and maybe some lemonade in a jug. Oh, and maybe some bread because you need something to put the marmalade on.

The question is, do you find the diamond ring in the picnic basket and then realize you've caught the engagement or do you just see the picnic basket and know? OR is the trick ACTUALLY just in the marmalade? I mean, that's an important factor. Who can get married without marmalade? ONLY NO ONE.

Also, does Kay jewelers pay you for advertising your engagement on social networking sites? I mean, it doesn't really bother the rest of us, but I hope you are getting reimbursed for such a romantically dramatized expression on the world wide web. It would only be fair.
Is there glitter involved? In the proposal? Or buckets of confetti? Why has no one proposed via lite-brite?

I don't know about you, but I feel as though that would be a creative (and vintage) way to pop the question. Like "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" in this:

...There wouldn't have to be Mr. Potato Head there, but ya know. If there was some sort of significance about having the potato in the proposal, then by all means.... Mr. Potato away.

Anyway. Those are mostly my questions for you.
Please continue on, since you are probably busy smothering your bread with marmalade.

Another disclaimer: none of this is meant to be offensive. I'm sorry if your feelings are hurt because you really just love marmalade and Mr. Potato Head, and I will try to be more sensitive next time.



Keep being cute, engaged people! With all of your cover photos and picnic baskets!

A Jane Austen Ideal

Jane Austen will always be one of my favorite classic authors. I've only read two of her books, but I've watched almost all of her movies that are based on her books (I know, I know.. how could I..) and intend to soon read through all of her books (better?).
The characters in her novels are so passionate and intriguing that I can't help but love them, and the language is so profound and vibrant that I tend to linger over lines and soak them in.

Elizabeth Bennett is of course a favorite female heroine, her strong but wise personality admirable and fascinating. Emma is a hilarious, bold character, but I can't say that she's my favorite, while Anne Elliot (of "Persuasion".. a less popular one of Austen's but an absolutely fantastic story) just hits me as someone I would love to know.
The list of Austen's amazing female leads could go on and on, but the list of Austen's incredible male leads would just be endless.

So here's where this all gets tricky for me.
Sometimes I find myself so enamored by characters like Darcy and Wentworth that I place myself in this dream land of the "misunderstood men" who don't actually contain flaws but are rather perfect in every way once their women really get to know them.
I love literature, and I love the classic romances of famous authors like Austen, yet I realize how blinding it all can be.

Jane Austen, the woman who created these characters, built these men from her personal ideals, her female expectations forming an unattainable bar for all real, uninvented men. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for any man to hold themselves to the standards of  Mr. Darcy- wise, pondering, genuine, often taken as a harsh man when he is really ultra precious and attractively shy, his opinions revolving around his woman's preferences and wishes.
Don't forget extremely handsome, wealthy and possessing integrity levels reaching the Empire State Building. I mean, who doesn't want a man like that? But really, is there even a man that perfect?
Let's be real here.. there are great men, but there are no flawless men.

The irony of this all is that Austen remained unmarried. 
It's a wonder such standards were left unfulfilled.

Don't get me wrong, I swoon over Mr. Darcy as much as the next nerdy girl, but I do believe all of the "Darcy swooning" can be inexpressibly dangerous.

Ideals.
Dangerous ideals.

I think of Anne Shirley of L.M. Montgomery's "Anne of Green Gables" series. Anne mentions to her best friend Diana that she can't marry her childhood friend, Gilbert Blythe (who loves her to the moon and back), because he doesn't meet her "ideals."
Marilla, Anne's mother figure, tells her of Gilbert's love for Anne, to which Anne replies, "Marilla, he's hardly my idea of a romantic suitor." 

Marilla's response is one I will always love and remember:

"Anne, you have tricked something out of that imagination of yours that you call romance. Have you forgotten how he gave up the Avonlea school for you so that you could stay here with me? He picked you up everyday in his carriage so that you could study your courses together. Don't toss it away for some ridiculous ideal that doesn't exist. Hmm? Now, you come downstairs and see if a good cup of tea and some of those plum puffs I made today don't hearten you."

Anne almost misses out on her perfect match (and almost ends up with the most annoying man ever).
Gilbert Blythe is simple, frank and someone she's always known, but she doesn't know how perfect he is for her.

What do we as women miss out on while we place such ideals upon men?
Of course, other factors rule into make a decision about a man (faith, family, personality, compatibility, attraction, etc.), but if the only thing holding us back is our "ideals," then what are we doing?

I love Jane Austen and the passion of her characters. I love the Bronte sisters and their deep melancholy romances. I love Elizabeth Gaskell and her complicated plots.

I love them all, but I don't want their ideals.

To the Awkward Couples: Junior Year Edition

As we begin a new year in college, I feel as though it is duly owed to every individual in the "young adult" population that I, once again, address the "awkward couples," as I like to call them.
So here it is. The first (and probably not last) awkward couple blog post of junior year. I actually don't think I posted one sophomore year, so this is ok.

I'm just going to share some tips for all of you who just radiate awkwardness in your relationships:

1. It's ok to hand-hold, but when hand-holding must be done to get to places like, say, the bathroom, there's an issue. I think you can let go for a second. Just a second. You'll be ok.
2. I wonder if you know that church is a place of worship, not cuddling. Yeah, that's right. I went there. Cuddling. Don't act like you don't know.. you know. When the Bible talks about "fellowship amongst believers," I guarantee that's not what it meant. 
3.  Specifically to the "first week of school couple" out there (you know who you are): make sure not to start naming your future children yet. 
4. Gazing into each others eyes is romantic in chick flicks, but when you switch the setting to reality and in a cafeteria, the romantic vibe just.. flees. I'm sorry, but meatloaf from the dining hall is just not "candle-light dinner" worthy.
5. Feeding each other. Just don't do it.
6. Always remember, there are other people in the room, too.. and you're making them uncomfortable. I'm glad you're happy, but it's not always about you and how happy you are. There are other people who exist in this world, and they too must breathe the same air and enjoy the same earth.
7. It's ok to not have a class together. I know you won't be able to pass cutesy notes back and forth while the teacher lectures on single celled organisms, but you will survive. Maybe you won't get to have thrilling study dates in the library (where you can continue to make more students feel awkward), but it will be ok. I promise it will. 
8. The longer you say goodbye before your class, the harder it will be. Just let go of those hands, bid adieu and learn about things other than your significant other's favorite type of taco.
9. Twitter is not the place to have extensive conversations back and forth about how much you love each other. It's good to love each other, just not over twitter.. for everyone to see.. and to be spammed by. It's just not fun to be spammed by other people's cupid-shot conversations.
10. As you loom awkwardly in the darkness, just remember, that I am an RA now.. and I'm gonna find you. Just kidding. But seriously. This post should express the extreme lack of appreciation I have for awkward couples... so don't go asking for trouble. I believe this warning was given fairly in advance.

That is all. For now.

It Comes, It Happens, It Goes

Pinterest. The place where women pick their fantasy home, clothes, food and wedding. I have so many boards focused on dreams- dreaming of places I want to go or things I want to accomplish. Dreaming of what my wedding will one day look like.

So yeah. Here's the thing. We, as women, dream and dream and dream of our wedding until it's so dreamed up, we can't remember if it has happened or not. Thanks to chick flicks and romantic novels (yes, even the Christian ones), we have been brainwashed into believing that our wedding will be our ultimate day. THE wedding. The day that we "become happy." Maybe you ladies don't think that way, but I feel like after a good enough "bonnet movie" (the Jane Austen version of a chick flick), I find myself somehow believing that. Pretty lame, I know, but I'm being honest.
I was thinking about this other day though and thinking about all of my married friends/relatives. At one point in their lives, they dreamed of marriage.. dreamed of "finding the one." And then they had their little fairy tale as it led up to the wedding day.. then the wedding day came, happened and ended. And now they're married. No, I am not saying marriage isn't awesome, but hear me out.

My point is, it's a day. A day representing a commitment, but not fulfilling your life. Life continues. The day ends and you move on into different trials than in single life. Ya know, like living with someone of the opposite gender (a.k.a. asking for disagreements- sorry to break it to you, but men and women do think very differently), or just living with another human being (one sinful human being + another sinful human being = two sinful human beings.. together.. wanting their own way). And you know, there are bills, house decisions, extended family dramas, every day life issues like food and chores, eventually children to raise (and to agree on how to raise them), etc.

Life doesn't end at marriage; it just continues to the sequel. 
Life doesn't begin at marriage either; the scene just changes.
A wedding day is not life, just an act within the scene which is within the play which is part of a performance company... you know what I mean.

Marriage is not the end all of end all. The wedding day isn't IT. Don't get me wrong, I whole-heatedly support dreaming, but we cannot allow our "happy ending dreams" to consume us.


...Thankfully, the wedding, in a way, does last "forever," in that it will always remind of us when Christ will return for his bride (the church). That's another story for another day.

Overbearing Women and Wimpy Men

I apologize in advance for another post about relationships. When you go to a university with lots of fresh and perfect examples of what not to be like if you want a healthy relationship, to overlook addressing them would be a waste and sort of foolish. So now that I've got that apology introduction out of the way, let's chat.

Overbearing women and wimpy men. What is the deal with this?
Today, the common relationship consists of a manipulative, whiney woman who argues about everything and wants everything her way and a wimpy, push-over man who lets her.

Ok, let me just clear this up- I am not saying that women should be silent mice just rolling over and dying with no say in anything and that men should be controlling jerks. All of these scenarios are extremes.
I am saying that the key is balance.

To the feminist-crazed woman running around with a Type-A agenda- calm down.
To the trained-to-be-timid man cowering in a corner, letting every one else lead- man up!

Women, technically the Bible does not say you need to submit to a man until he is your husband, but if you're planning on marrying him, by being a controlling, manipulative jerk, you are forming those habits for your future marriage. And if you're dating him and not planning on marrying him- I have a whole nother (I realize that "nother" is not a word, and it's all right) post that I will someday write to you. Formed habits do not simply evaporate the moment you say "I do." If you do not know how to respect your signifcant other now, you never will. If you are constantly weaving your web of manipulation, looking to control everyone and everything- you will drive people away your entire life. I'm pretty tired of seeing women who boss people around, especially "their men." Not that men should boss around women either, but women of the Bible are called to be meek, nurturing, encouraging and HELPERS. Not hinderers.

Men, MAN UP. Seriously? Why are you with women who take advantage of you and refuse to respect you? Yes, you are called to love your wife (same thing as I said to the women above about forming habits before your married) and to care for her like Christ loves and cares for the church. You are also called to be a leader. A spiritual leader, a family leader, an emotional leader... a LEADER. Stop being a weasle (just ask Gianna Jessen)! If a woman's playing the victim now before you're married, she's going to do it throughout your entire life. When she wimpers and shoves your hand away, insisting upon pouting in her little corner until you give her what she wants (especially if it's something selfish), that's probably a red flag.

If only people lived the roles that God CREATED them for....

To Be Pursued

Every woman wishes for a man who will fight for her. A man who will chase after her. Who will love her. Who will pursue her.

Now let us take a trip into Webster's mind to see how he defines the word "pursue." Well, actually dictionary.com .. but in the same extended family as Webster.
One definition given is "to strive to gain; seek to attain or accomplish (an end, object, purpose, etc.)" and another given is "to carry on or continue (a course of action, a train of thought, an inquiry, studies, etc.)." To pursue is to take action in winning over or completing a goal. It is a continual process of determination and dedication. Every woman dreams of a man who truly seeks after her heart; a man who simply wants to win her heart will not do- he must capture and treasure it.I wonder if men know that, and if with this knowledge they manipulate the hearts of women intentionally. This may be naive, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

The word "pursue" has been on my mind a lot lately. I've been thinking about the typical dream of a woman to be sought after by a man and I've been thinking about God's design of man and wife. They are partners and friends, but above that they take on different roles. The man is a protector, provider and refuge. The woman is the nurturer, encourager and helper. Each role different but each so important.

God has constructed relationships so intricately, intertwining each role and naturally creating the necessity for a man to be the pursuer and not the woman.
As I was thinking about this, I related the topic of relationships to the topic of Christ and the church (pretty typical, but still striking me pretty hard). Just as the husband-wife relationship exemplifies Christ's deep and passionate love for His church, so does a man's pursuit of a woman demonstrate Jesus Christ's intense and fervent pursuit of His people.

So, women who are struggling, waiting for a godly man (who is compatible with you) to pursue you  with passion, strength and love and to treasure your heart after capturing it, remember that the God of the universe and of creation has, is, and continues to pursue you.

Personally, this is something I have had to repeat to myself daily, reminding myself that I AM pursued and that someday, God will bring a man to pursue me as well, displaying a tangible expression of Jesus Christ's pursuit of my heart.

As JJ Heller's song "What Love Really Means" states, Jesus Christ tells us that "I will love you for you, not for what you have done or what you will be come. I will love you for you, I will give you the love that you never knew."

I'd rather be single then settle

So, it's happened. I have made a list of what I must have in a future spouse. What have I realized from this list? I am picky. Will I find a guy that will fulfill my "must-haves?" Probably not. Just kidding.. I think.

At a university that pushes getting married at a young age and finding "God's choice for you," I feel as though it's so easy to convince myself that "anyone will do." I then must slap myself brutally in the face to remind myself that this viewpoint will result in a miserable marriage filled with an "if-only" mentality. I don't want to settle. I don't want to find myself married to someone I don't want to be married to. I want who God wants for me, but somehow I don't believe that God wills for me to simply marry because it's what is expected of me.

I know what you're thinking.. "Marriage? You're not even dating."
Why would I date someone who didn't possess the qualities of someone I would consider marrying?
I know some people find this ridiculous, but that's ok. I don't make decisions based on other people's view of "the norm." Sometimes the norm isn't effective. Sometimes the norm is a broken system.

So I have come to the conclusion that although I may never end up getting married because of my standards, I am okay with that... because I would most definitely rather be single than settle.

Will this be an easy mentality to maintain? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

I know that God will take care of me, whether I am single or married. If God wants me to get married, He will bring someone into my life who will be right for me. I trust Him. When it all comes down to it, people don't suffice. All that matters in my life is having Christ, and well, I have Him. So, I'm all set, whether He provides a man for me or not.

There ya go.. a little bit of insight into my soul.

P.S. I figured something out:
To share your feelings to the fullest, pray. After that, blog.

Knit Together

First of all, I began writing this at 11:11 pm, which I think is pretty nifty. Yes, I have just revealed one of my little girly inclinations that I often try to hide from the world. What am I saying? I'm an open book. Moving on.

I don't know if you've experienced this in your life, but I seem to always have these recurring thoughts and phrases that randomly pop into my head at random moments in my life.. usually a time when I am unable to write about it, thus being immediately robbed of my realizations as they fly away into oblivion. Where do those thoughts go and how do they come back? Wow, total rabbit trail. Anyway, even though it would be fascinating to analyze the occurrence of thoughts, I'm going to actually get to my point this time. I promise.

One of these random thoughts that I've caught coming and going through my mind all throughout my life came back to me today as we discussed how beauty is portrayed in modern advertising.
So many times I find myself picking apart who I am, how I look, what people think of me, and what people want me to be. Than I think to myself, if I change myself, who am I disappointing (that may be a higher priority on my list)?
Fact: I will never make everyone happy.
Fact: I will never be whatever everyone specifically wants me to be.
Fact: I am who God created me to be.

Throughout my life, I've realized that the moment I change something about myself to please someone else, I have lost connection with someone else who would have liked me for the very aspect of myself that I abandoned. God has created us uniquely, perfectly designed to be just as He intended us to be. Personality, flaws, and all. Do not get me wrong- by flaws I do not mean sin. Sin is a completely different issue that is definitely that should be changed and worked on. By flaws I mostly mean quirks. Get me? Ok good.

In the words of Johnny Diaz, "You were meant to fill a purpose that only you could do. There could never be a more beautiful you."

When we change ourselves to please others, we are removing ourselves from who God created us to be. We are warping ourselves into plastic people.
I fully believe that if I remembered that this life is not about pleasing others but about pleasing the God who gave me breath and created me just as I am, my self esteem would no longer be catapulted into depths of despair. Instead, I would realize my self worth in Christ. I would know that somewhere out there is a man who has also been uniquely created by God, his temperaments, quirks, beliefs, and standards fully complementing mine and his heart appreciating who I am for who I am. He's out there, and I know it. Until then, I will continue to be me- who God formed me to be when He personally knit me in my mother's womb. 

This goes for you, too. To every person who feels that they must change themselves to fit someone else- there's someone better for you. Not better, just better for you.
Cliche? Maybe. True? Absolutely.

Don't disappoint the wrong person.

Finally. That thought is written down and finally out of my heart for the world to see. Hope you enjoyed it. Here's the music video to the Johnny Diaz song which I earlier quoted.. enjoy!

Goodnight & God Bless!

Because I Love You

So these past few weeks I've been learning a lot of about relationships.. and my lack of readiness for a romantic one. Lately I've been finding myself not interested in any sort of relationship (other than friendships, of course) and often not even caring about whether I get married or not. If you know me personally, you know that that is absolutely the opposite of me and how I've always been.
By nature, I am a hopeless romantic. I'm the girl who basks in cute romantic movies and seeks out the story behind how every couple first met. So, for me to have turned into the girl who believes she could be entirely content being single for the rest of her life, something drastic must have taken place.

Honestly, for the longest time I wasn't sure what this so-called "drastic occurrence" might have been, since my life seemed pretty uneventful as I started feeling more and more disinterested.
This past Wednesday in Campus Church, Clayton King and his wife Charie King spoke on relationships and God's will for a marriage. I found myself becoming extremely emotional during this service and at first I didn't know why. As church continued, God also continued. Somewhere during the message God showed me that the reason I had been feeling this apathy towards relationships was because I prayed for it. No, I did not specifically pray, "Oh hey, can you make me think every guy is lame? Thanks." No, not at all. I prayed, "If I'm not ready, don't make me want it yet so I don't waste my time," and that is exactly what God did.

I think the reason I was so emotional was that I wasn't sure whether to be excited that God was answering my prayer or disappointed that I wasn't ready for a relationship. We could call this an "emotional tornado," because that's what I imagine when I describe that emotion within me.
Now that the "tornado" has calmed, I am so incredibly thankful that God has been working in my life. Now to simply wait for a guy worth waiting for.

That was another thing that made me emotional during church- seeing Clayton and Charie's love for each other, bound through their mutual love for God. At first I envied them. I envied what they had and wondered how they got it and why most marriages don't have their marriage's qualities. Then I simply admired them. I admire their passion and drive to make it work, their focus on God, and their willingness to share it all with others.
While this gives me hope for the future, it also makes the present difficult, constantly wondering whether God will bring "that guy" into my life.. you know- the one who loves God more than anything, who will love me the way God has intended for me to be loved, and who just is right for me.
So I ask myself, why do I wonder? Why am I so concerned about this? Whatever happens in my life, God knows and God cares, and nothing that God allows will be too much for me to handle. Also, I firmly believe that God does not give us desires and then leave us hanging (which I definitely appreciate).


Here's a poem I wrote on Wednesday night after the service .. hope you enjoy it:

Because I Love You

My mind screams "confusion"
My heart whispers "contentment"
The world states "abandoned"
The Lord proclaims "purchased"
Who I was convinces me "you want this"
Who I am reminds me "you have better"
My mind says "find"
My soul says "seek"
Culture expresses "go now"
God's love says "wait"
I ask "when?"
God states "soon."
My heart wonders "why?"
Jesus Christ replies "because I love you."



God Bless & Goodnight!
Daisy Wolf