Tuesday, September 17, 2013

The Ones Who Crossed: the beginning

Friends, I was thinking and laughing today about the fact that all my friends who get in relationships seem to fall off the face of the planet.. and so then this story happened. Please note that I do not dislike my couple friends, but I merely had the inspiration for this story and couldn't help myself but write it down. To all my couple friends, I do really love you ;].

It was not the worst of times, but not the best of times. But sometimes good times. Life seemed somewhat ordinary, and nothing too spectacular was happening. To most, the world seemed a regular shade of blue, but soon it would turn an unusual shade of pink and lilac to others.

As Uno arose from her slumber to what she thought would be a regular day, her eyes were glazed over, oblivious to what was to come. Over to the sink she went, washing away the sleep and awakening her soul to life. All preparation for the day began normally, until suddenly she heard a knock on her door. It was her friend, Solo.

"Something's terribly wrong," were the only words to proceed out of Solo's mouth, then silence. The type of silence that prompts awkward shifting of eyes and shuffling of feet. Finally Uno spoke. "What's wrong."
"Everything," Solo replied. "They're nowhere to be found."
"Who, Solo?"
"The most recent Couple. I think they've crossed over."

Uno's heart dropped into her chest as the words sunk in. "Crossed over." Every single's terror. She had heard of this before, but never had she witnessed first-hand. The nightmare had in an instant transformed into a dark reality.

It all started on February 14th-- a day that is not spoken of often among the singles, but every individual knows about. It's the day they say many singles are consumed by the One With the Arrow and devoured by his blood-stained teeth. Uno knew she was not to roam the streets or go into public places-- the elder singles had warned her of its results. Nonetheless, Uno did not listen, and to make matters worse, she dragged along friends as well. She wanted adventure, and what was she to do but bring company with her? Off she went through the square on the dark day, the sky a shade of blood red. The day interested her and she sought to know what it held. Little did she know how her life would change. Uno's friends, more apprehensive about the decision, followed behind her suspiciously, their eyes following every noise and shadow. As they walked through the hollow streets, the sound of their hearts beating violently, they realized the sound was actually not their own hearts. It was hearts of "the Others."

The Others were also singles, but Our Kind normally avoided them at all costs. Until, of course, they heard the sound of the heartbeats. The sound was known to beckon Our Kind when we least expected it, beginning the process which would result in the "crossing over" of which we speak. Uno had heard a heartbeat a few times, but she seemed to have some sort of immunity to its powers, constantly overcoming its mystical echoes. However, some were more inclined to the sound of the beats- especially when the beat seemed to parallel their own heartbeats. When the beats met in harmony, the plague would set in and the members would transform into what we call "New Couples." From this point on, the plague would spread into their veins, breathing in their beings and creating partially mindless creatures. The Couples would be so devoured by the plague that their focus could only be on each other, their mind clouding the rest of the world in a deep fog. Such was the process of the heartbeats.

As the sound of the beats grew louder, Uno feared to look behind her into the eyes of her friends. She dreaded what she would see. Rigidly her head turned, her neck aching in the struggle against herself. Hearts. No eyes left in her friends heads, but simply hearts where the eyes used to be. Now they were just some eyeballs that she used to know. Uno shrieked in terror at the sight of her heart-eyed friends, and suddenly she realized what had happened. Both of her friends heartbeats had harmonized with the beat of the Others, and from that moment on, they would be lost forever.
After that day, her friends' minds grew more and more numb to the rest of the world. Their brains were overtaken by another world-- one of oblivion. Eventually the numbness got worse, and eventually, her friends had disappeared all together. They had crossed over, never to be seen again. To where they go is a mystery that Uno has yet to discover.

And so Uno's adventure began in her journey among the blinded...

To be continued....

Monday, September 16, 2013

Boldly Approach

As much as I'd like to think I have no problem expressing my feelings (which can be the case sometimes), I'm baffled by the junk that lies within my being sometimes. It's amazing what comes from the darkness of our hearts when we least expect it....
The things we don't like to admit we feel. 
The things we don't expect to feel.
The things we don't know we're feeling.
The things we don't think are ok to feel.
And as the depths of my heart came to the surface, I remembered why I need a Savior so desperately every day. Why I can't get through this life on my own.

Among all of the pent up emotions and hidden pains, I realized something that I wish I had realized a long time ago. Those feelings that we don't want the world to know we have.. the ones that we don't talk about because they're not pretty? The LORD can handle them.
Why this never occurred to me before, I don't actually know.

All this time, I've been telling myself that if I'm feeling something towards God, then I need to put it away because I have no right to talk to God about it. "He'll do what He wants either way, so why does it matter how I feel" was the perspective that somehow crept its way into my thinking.
While I do believe the LORD is sovereign, I also know that He is referred to as a "shelter" and a "strong tower" (Psalm 61:3) and the writers of the Psalms constantly go to the LORD for comfort in times of distress, not withholding their emotions by any means.
All this time, I've been holding in any sort of frustration I have with my life, failing to go to my God and Savior with these burdens. I have believed the lies that tell me that these burdens are for me to bear-- that Jesus has better things to do than to hear about my desires and my disappointments. Then I remember that Jesus Christ chose to come down to earth and leave His throne in order to save ME. To save YOU. He cares that much.
However irrational my fears, however ridiculous my frustrations, however pathetic my disappointments, Jesus cares, and He hears me when I cry out to Him.
However random my dreams, however miniscule my desires, however pathetic my wishes, Jesus cares, and He knows the depths of my soul. He gets me.

Despite not having any answers, I am amazed by how freeing it is to come to the LORD endlessly, even when it seems that I don't have the right to do so. However irrationally annoyed I am with what God is doing in my life, He is so gracious. He hears my cries and my criticisms with love. He allows me to boldly approach His throne to receive grace and help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16).
To Jesus, the things that bother me aren't ridiculous-- He cares and He hears.
I don't know the results, but I do know Who is in control of those results.
Thankful.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Simplicity of God's Will

God's Will. It often seems like some mystical concept-- like something that lingers in the sky somewhere, waiting for us to finally reach it. Vague and unattainable. 
Silly, but legitimately something I have felt before.

'How am I supposed to know God's will?' I ask on a daily basis.
'What if I make the wrong decision and I end up not in God's will?' is another common question.

Well, folks, a couple of nights ago, I stumbled upon a fairly familiar passage of the Bible which opened my eyes just a bit to the concept of "God's will."
1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18
16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing,  18 give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you
.
Pretty simple and to the point, yet not something I have ever noticed before when reading these verses. "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

Yes, God is sovereign and knows where each of our lives personally will go. He knows what decisions we will make. He knows what choices will change the path of our lives forever. He knows, and He is involved in our life. He has a will for us to individually live in and glorify Him through.
As far as God's will for our Christian life as a whole, it is simple.

God wills us to:
- Rejoice always
- Pray without ceasing
- Give thanks in all circumstances

That is His will for our life.
In my circumstances, I am to find joy, because He has redeemed me.
I am to come to Him with every situation, on my knees and willing to trust Him.
I am to be thankful for every circumstance.
That is His will.

The details of our lives as believers- what job to have, who to marry, where to live- are woven together with these three concepts of rejoicing, praying and giving thanks.
In my life, as I seek God's direction in my decisions,
I must live my life with joy, realizing who God is and how much He loves me. That doesn't mean I will never be sad, disappointed, angry or hurt. It does, however, mean that I must choose to look beyond the negative and into the eyes of my Jesus. I can't miss the point.
I must live my life in prayer, knowing that any decision I do make must be first be done while trusting the Lord with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding. I must in acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will direct my paths (Prov. 3:5-6). Constant prayer means constant reliance on God. Reliance on God means surrender.
I must live my live in thanksgiving, understanding that every good and perfect thing comes from the LORD (James 1:17). To be thankful is to live in the will of the LORD. So often we take Him for granted, but He has given us a life incomparable to the life we lived before. Or rather didn't live. We were dead, but thanks to Jesus, we now live! God's will is for us to be thankful to Him for this life, and in our thankfulness, He will reveal the rest. He is faithful.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Preparing, not planning

A planner's worst nightmare: senior year of college. It's begun- the time in life when I have no idea what I'm doing once I get out of this place- and it's driving me crazy.
I need to know. I NEED to. Or so I think.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever really trust God with my future. No matter how often I have seen God take care of me, I still doubt Him. No matter how much He has proven His provision, I still fear desolation.

If I felt this throughout the beginning of college, I'm feeling it much worse right now.
Confusion. Anxiety. Nervousness.
Where is my life going? So maybe I'm doing stuff this year that's worth while, but what about after I get out of here? What do I do when my ministry as an RA has passed, and I am no longer pouring into a hall of girls? What happens when I have nothing left to study?
What then? Nothing? Does it end there?

These are the questions that have flooded my mind this summer specifically, and these are the questions that have crept into my mind this week.
Wednesday morning, when talking about an assignment where we have to write out what we want to do once we graduate, the professor said something like this:
"If you don't know what you're doing after you graduate and you're in this 400 level class, then I don't know what else to tell you. You shouldn't even be here."
And then panic swept over me. I have no idea what I'm doing after I graduate. Why am I here then? How have I possibly reached a 400 level class with no prospects for the future? Utter panic.

But I realized something today--
if I could plan out every detail of my life, I "wouldn't need" God. And if I did plan out every detail of my life, my future would surely be grim because I would undoubtedly fail myself and everyone else.
God's plans don't fail, whether I know them or not.
The Lord wants me to NEED Him, and I can tell you right now that I do.
I do so very desperately. Always.
On top of that, whether I have a plan for my future or not isn't the point. Even if I had every single piece of my life perfectly planned, picket fence and all, it still wouldn't be my life, because my life is right now.
I wrote a post a few weeks ago that quoted Elliot saying, "Wherever you are, be all there," and that still is the lesson God is teaching me.

After getting to share the gospel in depth with a girl on my hall, and after watching the concept develop in her mind, I was reminded of why I am here.
To share the gospel. To glorify Jesus' name.
Right now. Right here.
With these girls that God has placed in my life. On this hall. At my school.
This is my life, and I refuse to miss it because of a desire to be in control.
After coping with the death of a friend last week, I was reminded of what God wants me to do.
God wants me to never take any human life for granted.
He wants me to appreciate the time I have with every single individual He places in my life.
He wants me to display to every person in my life that they are loved. He wants me, in His strength, to love them like Jesus and to point them to His face.
This is my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
These are the people He wants me to love.

The Lord doesn't want me to stop preparing, but He does want me to stop over-planning.
Right now, in the context of my life, I need to continue preparing myself for who God wants me to be, not what He wants me to do. When my focus is "who God wants me to be," then "what He wants me to do" will happen on its own, in His time.

In the book of Isaiah, God declares,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord." Isaiah 55:8



Monday, August 5, 2013

To Be Myself

"Be yourself." --a phrase we're often told by our parents on our first day of school, or what we are told when we are worried what people will think of us.

On the long, but wonderful drive back to school (for my last year of college!), I was thinking about this phrase for some reason. I guess as I pondered a new year with new people, I automatically gave myself that pre-return pep-talk of "Don't be nervous! Just be yourself!"
Then emerged the "thinker" in me.  
What does that even mean? What does it mean to "be myself?"
Who am I?... and is it worth being? Who should I be?

As these questions flooded my mind, I started to tense up. As I asked these questions, the answers were not what I had hoped. I remembered who I was, who I have been and who I can be at times, and fear swept over me.

If I were to look at myself  for all that I am, what would I see?
An outgoing girl who pretends to be confident but is eaten by insecurity too often.
A selfish girl whose even seemingly selfless deeds can really be done for personal gain.
A clueless girl who thinks she knows what's best for her life but never actually knows.
A sinful girl.
A girl who needs a Savior daily. Hourly. All the time.

If I were to look at myself for all that I am, I would see a depressing portrait.
But, when I look at myself for who I am in Christ, the picture changes dramatically.

The characteristics I am most "proud of" and the times I most fondly remember are the ones that did not actually involve myself at all.
"My" good characters are only the ones that come out when I am living for the glory of God, the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life and through my life. My redeemed self, the self that has been crucified with Christ and has carried my cross as a disciple of Jesus, that is the best self I can be.

The best side of me is the side that shines Jesus. 
The best side of me IS Jesus.

I don't want to be myself. I want to be like Christ.
I want to be the world's taste of Jesus- the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13).
I want to be the world's glimpse of the Light in a world of darkness (Matthew 5:14-16).
When I act as the hands and feet of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:27), when I shine the light of JESUS through this world, it is then that I have reached my fullest self, because I have found myself in Christ.

It is then that I am who I want to be: Christ in me, the hope of glory (Colossians 1).